By Cheryl McCreary
Copyright 1999
When Buck and Isaac returned to Rachel's, dinner had just been placed on the table. And so they all sat down to dinner, Rachel, Isaac, Teaspoon and Buck. Rachel filled Buck in on all the events of Rock Creek while he was gone. Teaspoon was still the marshal and Rachel still taught school. Isaac had just started last fall and was excited to finally be in school. Buck was glad to hear that his son liked learning. It was good to find out how things were going in Rock Creek. He realized that life had gone on much the same without him for the last six years.
Teaspoon who had sat and listened while Rachel talked finally spoke, "Where have you been all these years, son?"
Buck knew that both Rachel and Teaspoon were curious about that. He'd been gone for a long time. They deserved on answer. Buck knew this. He also wondered if they really wanted to hear his answer. Did they really want to know what kind of man Buck had become, what demons haunted his soul.
Teaspoon gave Buck a long look. He was going to sit there until he got an answer from Buck. Buck couldn't escape.
"I wandered around for awhile," Buck said. It was only the beginning of the tale. He wondered if Teaspoon would let it end with that. He knew the old marshal too well though. Teaspoon expected an answer, and all of it to.
"And then?" the ex-station master asked. Buck wasn't getting off that easy. Teaspoon knew that Buck's tale since he left Rock Creek six years ago was a sad one. But Rachel and Isaac had a right to know it.
"I was living with the Kiowa," Buck stated. He hoped the marshal would let it rest at that. Neither Rachel nor Isaac needed to know that he'd fought with the Indians. Against the cavalry and against Cody and Jimmy we had served as scouts. Buck was a good Indian warrior, but it was not something that he wanted his Pony Express family to know. Besides he was done with that. The soldier at the fort was the last man Buck had killed and he intended it to stay that way.
"Did you fight with them against the cavalry?" Isaac asked curiously.
The child had no idea what problems that question gave Buck. If Teaspoon or Rachel had asked that question he would have not answered. He might have told them part of the answer later, but he would not have answered them now. Buck couldn't not tell Isaac the answer though. He had to answer his son. Isaac, however, was the one person in the room that Buck didn't want to truly know the truth.
Once again Buck looked into those pale blue eyes that stared from that small face. Ike had always understood Buck. They had shared a common bond and with that bond they knew each other well. Buck had never met someone that understood him better than Ike. Even Clara hadn't known him that well. But Buck couldn't help but feel that Isaac already understood him better than even Ike.
Buck had been able to tell Morning Dawn everything. He had told her his desires, his wants, how him missed Ike and Clara, his pain of living between two worlds, how his heart had grown cold with blood shed. He had told her all of this and more. But Morning Dawn didn't understand him. She knew that he needed to have someone listen to his soul and as his wife she did this. Buck realized that Morning Dawn had dearly loved him. Morning Dawn had known what dwelled in Buck's soul even if she didn't understand it. Ike had understood him even though he never truly knew Buck's soul. Clara knew his heart and even in death still held it close. But Isaac, this small child before him, knew his soul, understood it, and given time would probably love it also. Buck felt like anything he told Isaac would already be known, at least in Isaac's heart.
Isaac was still patiently waiting for an answer. "Yes, I did," Buck answered quietly. Teaspoon and Rachel stared at him. Did they know the man he had become? Did they know he could kill men in cold blood without a thought? He felt like he had let them down. They had tried to teach them all how to be good men. But he had instead become a savage Indian warrior.
"How long you plannin' on stayin', Buck?" Teaspoon's words broke through the silence that had fallen over the room.
Buck lightly shrugged his shoulders, but didn't say a word. He didn't know how long he wanted to stay. He didn't know how long he could live in the white world. He belonged nowhere now. He couldn't go back to the red world. He didn't want to stay in the white world. The Pony Express was gone. His friends had all made lives for themselves.
"You can stay here for as long as you want," Rachel said to Buck. She knew how much little Ike would enjoy that. And she would like to have him home. He needed to know that there was a place that he belonged and people that loved him.
Buck still remanded quiet. Rachel wanted to have him home. But Buck could never go home. Rachel and Teaspoon were the same. They always would be. It was a comfort. But Buck was different. He wished he could go back. He wished that he could cross the yard and enter the bunkhouse. He wished that he would greet the young, fresh faces of all his friends. Hear their laughter. See their smiles. And Ike would be there and Noah. And they would be a family again. It would be like old times. But that could never be. They had grown up. Moved on. Had made lives for themselves in the world. Buck was a changed man. He wished he could be innocent and kind again. He wished he had never taken a life. Had never fought with the Kiowa. He wished he didn't know how to kill a man. He wished his heart wasn't so cold. He wished he could feel pain again. He hated being numb.
Buck knew that he should stay for awhile. Isaac needed him. Ike had told him that. He wasn't going to let Ike down. Buck wondered though if it was Isaac that needed him, or him that needed Isaac. Buck never answered Rachel or Teaspoon. Silence had fallen on the table. Both Teaspoon and Rachel wondered what had happened to Buck. He had left this house six years ago a heart-broken and lost young man, but a good man. They wondered if the goodness in him was totally gone. They wondered if he would ever be able to live with whatever demons his life now possessed.
On to Chapter Seven
