Leaping, leaping, leaping. Again, again, and again. I hated it, spit on the very word. And I was quitting. Job done, assignment closed. As easy as you close a book, just like that.
I had landed into a streetbum, finding myself lying underneath some cardboard boxes, cold and hungry. That’s what did it. Only minutes after I’d leaped in, I decided that this was the last leap. No matter why I was here, I wasn’t going to do it.
When my Observer showed up, I threw him an absent look, indifferent almost.
“Man, you sure know how to pick’em!” he said cheerfully. Then he slapped his forehead. “Ah, no you don’t.”
“Stop being so smart!” I growled. Silly jokes were the last thin g I needed.
“And give me the info,” he cut in. “Yes Sir!”
Defenite annoyance crept into my system. “Leave it,” I hissed. “I don’t need it.”
“You-don’t-need-it?”
The disbelief in his voice sparked something. Every ounce of frustration burst out, raging through me as I hurled those condemning words at him. “And I don’t need you either! GO!”
His face went white. He fumbled with the handlink, eyes casted down. “I’ll be back later,” he sighed.
“Don’t come back!” His eyes flew up to meet mine, d espair shining back at me. It had no effect whatsoever. “Dont’t ever come back!” I turned my back at him, rolling over on the cold, hard ground. Minutes passed, without a sound. Then a familair sound, the IC door closing. I heaved a deep sigh. There, I’d done it. Now everyone could go back to their lives. No more 24 hours on call, no more long working days. I grimaced at that thought. A little red devil inside my head was whispering teasingly that I wasn’t thinking of myself again. It was about time I did .
Yet, I couldn’t move. The anger was drained, all that was left was numbness. My eyes focused on the wall that was only inches away from my face. A brick wall. The one I hit today. I reached out my hand and touched it. It was cold, hard and moist, but real. My reality from now on.
Tears spilled over, sliding over my face. Warm, the first warm thing I felt. I rolled into a ball, trying to keep myself warm, and to keep my stomach from grumbling. I drifted in and out of sleep, restless and cold.
“S am?” I was dreaming, this couldn’t be real.
“Sam.” More insistent now.
I uncurled myself, stretching much abused muscles.
“I...eh...,” the voice started. My eyes went up and met the owner of the voice. Al.
“I told you, don’t come back,” I whis pered, not very convincing.
“I won’t, but I couldn’t leave you without saying goodbye.” His voice was soft, apologetic.
“Goodbye.” I turned my head. This was not as easy as I thought it would be.
“Sam, look at me.” A pause. “Please.”
Unable to ignore that pleading tone, I faced him again. He was sitting on his knees beside me.
“I can’t blame you for wanting out. You’ve done so much for so long. Too long. I understand, Sam. I hate it, but I do understand.”
I believed him, without a doubt. A shred of peace entered my soul.“Thank you.”
He shook his head vehemently. “Don’t thank me. I should thank you.” A raised hand forstalled my comment. “Remember me, at Starbright?”
Dark eyes settled on me, seeking for a touch of recognition. I nodd ed. “Yeah, I do.” The scene unfolded before my eyes like a movie. A man, filled with rage, anguish and grief. Just like I was feeling now.
“I was ready to pack it in, then. You told me not to, said I wasn’t as worthless as I thought I was. You saved my life, Sam.”
“And look what I’ve done to you!” I shrieked, the burden of guilt crashing down on me.
“I got promoted to Admiral, I run a Project, I’ve stopped drinking...”
I hung my head at his litany.
“Don’t you see, Sam? Without you....” His voice trailed off with a sob.
Emotions were running havoc inside me. I dared to glance up at his face. Twisted in pain, trying to hide it from me, yet failing.
NO! My mind cleared as though a hurricane had gone through it. This I couldn’t do. Then h is words sank in. “You are saying you’re alive because I asked you to?”
A nod.
“And you’re asking me to do the same?”
“No! I would never do that!” I had no doubt he meant it, yet he was unable to hide the grief that went with it. What would happe n to him if I turned my back on him now? Sure, he was stronger, more self confident then when I first met him, but I had a feeling it wasn’t enough. It sounded vain, even to my own ears, but we had become such a team. I had to admit it then, the only thin g that prevented me from giving up, was him. I cleared my troath, trying to get rid of the rock that was in there.
“You have every right to ask me that.” His eyes came up to me, hope flickering over his face. It nearly made me cry. “I’ll go on if you w ant me to.” Okay, that wasn’t exactly a fair thing to do, leaving the decision up to him, but I needed some kind of reassurance.
“That decision is yours, Sam, not mine.” His voice was steadier now. “I can’t make decisions about your life. Hell, you ca n’t even control it!”
“That’s why I need someone to keep me sane.” Emotions rose to the surface, emotions that I had been pushing away. Maybe that was the reason I was feeling so miserable now.
“I’ll be here, Sammy.”
Tell me!! I almost screamed. Tell me what really goes on in your mind!
“I know, “ I whispered instead. “So, why am I here?”
The flash of pure joy that crossed his features made my heart jump. With a smile he consulted the handlink and gave me the info I needed. I absorbed only half of it, the sight of him occupying most of my mind. When he finished talking, I rose to my knees and gave in to the irresisitable urge to hug him. A faint blush was on his cheeks when I let him go. I had been hugging thin air, but I had felt it, the r estoring of something I had forgotten I had.
“Couldn’t resist it,” I smiled.
“Felt good,” he said softly.
I nodded happily, the weight of the world lifting from my shoulders.
“Go now,” I urged, although I didn’t really wanted him to leave. “I ’ll be okay, thanks to you.”
“You’re strong, Sam. You can do it.” The words that always gave me the courage to go on. He scrambled to his feet and keyed up the IC door.
“Al?”
He turned to face me, questioning eyes focused on me.
“Love you.”
He gave me a soft smile. “That’s what keeps me going, Sam.” Then turning swiftly, he vanished through the door.
His image stayed with me for a moment. The eyes that had been overflowing with love. It was enough. For as long as it would take.
THE END
* "Possession" ......................Words and Music by Sarah McLachlan
