Secrets, Lies, and Other Acts of Love
Chapter 20: Deciding Factors

Two months later
Luke’s Place, Port Charles

Lucky was drunk again. Or still. It depended on how
you looked at it and what your definition of sober was. The
fact was that he had pretty much spent the last two months
in a state of intoxication, his mind numbed with so much
alcohol that it made difficult to think or feel about anything.
He preferred it that way. Being sober meant that
thinking about Emily. Imagining where she was. If she was
safe. If she was hurt. If she was scared. If she missed him as
much as he missed her. Being sober meant that he would
start feeling again. He would remember what it had been
like to love her. To touch her. To fill her. To hold her. To
need her. And then to lose her. To miss her.
No, it was easier to not feel or think anything. And
to do that he had to get drunk and stay drunk as often and
as long as possible.
Because to face life without Emily sober was not
something that he was capable of. Not today. Not
tomorrow. Maybe not ever.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
Lucky sighed and took another shot from the bottle
of whiskey he was working on. Damn. The last person he
wanted to see and the person he had taken careful steps to
avoid for the last two months was his half-brother Nikolas.
The reasons were complicated and messy and something
else he wanted to avoid. He knew that part of it was guilt
for not telling Nikolas the truth- that he had a son. That his
grandmother was doing her damn best to kill the mother of
his son. That his brother wanted nothing more than to claim
both the woman and the child for his own. And Lucky knew
also, even if he only acknowledged it to himself in the
middle of the night in that rare second of sobriety, that he
also blamed Nikolas for getting Emily pregnant.
He looked at the shot of whiskey in his hand. There
was a certain irony in the fact that all of this had started
because Nikolas had dealt with his grief at losing Stefan by
drinking himself into a stupor. And now Lucky was dealing
with his grief at losing Emily by doing the same.
The thought chilled him. But he ignored it. For the
moment anyway.
“Where else would I be?” Lucky answered his
brother, pouring more whiskey into the empty glass.
“How about home? Or maybe at work? Or visiting
Mom? Or have you forgotten that you have a family? A
mother who is frantic about you? And two little sisters who
miss their big brother?” Nikolas replied caustically. “Oh,
and I’m sure Luke is concerned about you too. What the
hell is wrong with you?”
“Nothing. Or at least nothing I care to discuss with
you. And my relationship with our mother and our sisters is
my business. And as for my father, he understands more
than you think.”
“I’m sure he does since I’m pretty sure this
....whatever you want to call it...has something to do with
that trip the two of you took that neither one of you want to
talk about...the one you came home from with a bullet hole
in your arm..the one that had something to do with my
grandmother.”
Lucky turns on Nikolas with a cold and deadly stare.
“Do not mention that bitch to me again. I’m trying really
hard to forget that you share the same DNA.”
“Welcome to the club on that one little brother.”
“Have you heard from her?” Lucky tries to make the
question casual, his interest superficial.
“Not a word.” Nikolas says. “So are you going to
tell me what this is about? Or at least let me help.”
“Nothing you can do to help,” Lucky softens his
tone.
“I was afraid you’d say that. Man, you weren’t in
this bad of shape when you lost Liz.........” His voice trails
off. “Is this about some women? Lucky have you met
someone new?”
“Nope,” Lucky responds as someone he has known
most of his life Emily can’t be classified as “new”. “What
difference would it make if I had?”
“A world of difference. You have no idea how
worried I’ve been, we’ve all been, about you since Liz died.
It was like all the light and joy went out of your world when
she passed away. And I understood that because that’s
how I’d feel if something happened to Kimberly. But I also
know that sometimes the world gives you a second chance
at finding someone to love. Look at how I found Kimberly
after that fiasco with Katherine. And losing my father.”
Nikolas lowers his voice. “Love is not something that you
let go of because it comes your way when its inconvenient
or you think you’re not ready. It took a lot for Kimberly to
convince me that as much as I loved my father it wasn’t a
betrayal of his memory to be happy and to be in love. “
“What would you do if Kimberly left you?” Lucky
questioned holding the shot glass in midair.
“You mean besides quit breathing?” Nikolas asks.
Lucky nods. “I’d chase after her and beg her to come back.
And if she didn’t come back, I’d stay where she was,
wherever that was. I’d rather be with her than without her.
Whatever the circumstances.”
The two men are silent for a moment.
“Look, you can sit here and finish that bottle and
another and another. Whatever you’re hiding from in that
bottle is still going to be there when you are sober. Trust
me. I’ve been there. And I don’t ever want to go back. I’ve
got to get back to Wyndermere. I’ve got a little girl to read
a bedtime story and a pregnant wife whose probably in the
midst of another bizarre craving. Just do me a favor,”
Nikolas stopped on his way out. “Call mom and let her
know that if you aren’t alright now you soon will be. Even
if its a lie. Sometimes you got to tell a lie to protect the
people you love.”
Lucky sat at the bar after his brother left for another
few minutes. Then a few minutes later, he paid his tab, and
made his way into the night.

The Spencer home
The next day

Lucky walked slowly up the porch of his parent’s
house. He had been sober for almost twelve hours. Twelve
hours of thinking. Of feeling. Of remembering. And he knew
what he had to do. What he should have done two months
ago. He wasn’t going to live the rest of his life without
Emily. He couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t do it. He didn’t know
how he would find her. He might end up spending the rest
of his life looking for her. But somehow he was going to
hold her again in his arms. And damn Helena Cassadine to
hell if she thought she could stop them.
But first he had some good-byes to make.
“Lucky? Lucky!” Ruby bounced down the stairs
when she spotted him as she walked down the stairs. At
seven, she was the picture image of his mother. He
swallowed. He would miss seeing her grow up. He gave her
a great big hug. “And how’s my precious gem today?
Where’s mom? And Lu?”
“Mom’s baking in the kitchen. Lu’s upstairs on the
phone to some boy she likes.” Ruby made a face. “I’ll go go
get her.” Excited about the prospect of being able to bug
her suddenly boy crazy older sister, Ruby raced back up the
stairs.
Lucky smiled. He would miss them. But being
around Ruby made him think of Jonathan. He would have
Jonathan to take care of. And who knows....
“Lucky! What a pleasant surprise.” his mother came
into the living room. “I’m surprised to see you at this time
of day.” Laura hesitated. Are you...”
“Do you mean am I drunk? No, I’m not. I’m stone
cold sober. And I intend to stay that way.”
Laura smiled a smile of pure relief.
“Actually, I’ve come to say goodbye.” Lucky said
bluntly. Maybe he should have just left. He shook his head.
His mother deserved this conversation, no matter how hard
it was for him to sit here and give her half truths.
“Goodbye..Is Jax sending you away on business?”
“No, but I am moving away from Port Charles. I
need to start fresh someplace else.”
“Because of Liz?”
“Because of a lot of things. But I wanted you to
because I don’t know when I’ll be coming back. There are
things I need to take care of and then hopefully I’ll be
back.”
Laura looks at her son. Whatever it is that he faces,
he will face it like the man he has become. How can you feel
such intense grief and such intense pride at the same time?
“There’s no way to talk you out of this?”
Lucky shakes his head. “I’ll miss you. I’ll miss all of
you. But this is something I have to do.”
Laura is still for a moment. “When are you leaving?”
“Tonight.” Lucky ignores the look of shock on
Laura’s face. “I have a few people I need to see and some
loose ends to tie up. But the sooner I leave the sooner I will
get where I am going.” And the sooner I will find Emily he
says to himself.
His mother notices the sudden intensity of his gaze
but says nothing.
“Are you too old to hug?” she asks him.
“Never,” he replies as he hugs his mother for the
first time in years. For the last time.
“I am going to miss you so much.” Laura whispers.
“You’ll be too busy keeping the boys away from Lu
and stopping Ruby from adopting every stray animal in the
city. Plus you’ll have Nikolas, Kimberly, little Stephanie,
and the new baby to keep you busy.” Lucky says lightly, his
voice shaky.
“No one will ever replace you in my heart.”
“Or you in mine,” Lucky hesitates, unsure of how to
say what he needs to say but aware that he might not get
another chance. “I want to apologize.”
“For what?”
“For how I was when I was a kid. For all of the pain
I put you through when I found out about Nikolas. And the
rape. For being so judgmental. For not trying very hard to
understand that you might have had a reason for telling
those lies. That you might not have had a choice in keeping
the secrets you kept. Everything was so black and white,
right or wrong back then. And I’ve recently learned, or
recently been taught, that there are more shades of gray in
this world than I can imagine. I used to think that nothing
justified a lie. Now I know that sometimes love justifies a
lie. Sometimes lying is the ultimate act of love.” He thinks
of Emily and of the pain she has endured keeping her secret
for all of these years. “Sometimes you do what you need to
do to protect the people you love without stopping to think
of whether it is right or wrong. I’m sorry its taken me so
many years to figure that out.”
Laura is crying, soft, silent tears and Lucky finds
himself comforting her. “It’s okay Mom. I didn’t mean to
upset you.”
“You didn’t.” Laura looks up into her son’s face. “I
love you Lucky.”
Lucky smiles down at his mother. “I love you too
Mom. I always will”


An hour later Lucky makes a stop at the department
store. He picks out a beautiful bassinet set, lots of infant
toys and clothing, and the newest Blue’s Clues video game
for Stephanie. He chooses a bottle of Kimberly’s favorite
perfume and on the spur of the moment a black leather
jacket for his oh-so conservative brother. He has the clerk
box it all and have it shipped to Spoon Island. Before the
clerk seals the box, Lucky inserts a card. The card read
simply “Took your advice. Love, Lucky.”

Three more stops to go. The first is the hardest.
Saying goodbye to his father.
He walks into the club. It is almost empty. His father
is behind the counter. He looks up when he sees Lucky.
“You’re going after her.” He makes it a statement,
not a question.
“Yes I am.” Lucky replies.
“About time Cowboy,” Luke grins. “About time”
“You’re not surprised?”
“The only thing that surprises me is that it took you
this long to make a move. You forget- I’ve seen the three of
you together. If ever three people deserved to be together
it is you and Emily and Jonathan.”
“I may not find her. She’s pretty good at staying
hidden. Someone taught her really well.”
“You’ll find her.” Luke was confident. “She doesn’t
know anything I didn’t teach you. And a man in love can do
some surprising things. Just be careful that only you find
her.”
Lucky nods. “I’m not going to do anything to risk
their safety.”
There is silence for a moment.
“You know we might never be able to come back to
Port Charles.”
This time its Luke’s turn to nod. ‘I’ll miss you
cowboy. But I have a feeling you’ll figure out a way to stay
in touch. At least enough so that we can keep you abreast
of Helena’s movements. God knows Jason has put a high
enough bounty on Helena’s head. And the WSB is out for
blood since Helena’s pursuit of Emily and Jonathan cost
them one of their most valued agents. Someday Helena
Cassadine will get what she deserves and the three of you
can come home.”
Lucky nods. He hopes so. For Emily’s sake at least.
As for him, the last two months have convinced him that
home is where Emily and Jonathan are. Wherever they are.
He looks at his father, unsure of how to say
goodbye.
“Don’t say it,” Luke says simply. “This isn’t
goodbye. It’s see you later. Or till we meet again. Or
something else sappy like that they put on those greeting
cards.” Luke reached behind the counter. “I do have
something for you,” he said lifting out a large object.
Lucky stares. It is his backpack. From when he was
a kid. He finds himself speechless. “There’s money. I know
you don’t need it, but its kind of a Spencer family tradition
to give cash when a family member goes on the run. More
importantly I’ve put some passports in there for the three of
you. All authentic or at least authentic looking. New names.
New identities. Whenever you need them.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything. Just take care of Emily and my
grandson for me. And yourself.” Luke tries to be nonchalant
as he walks out from behind the counter to give Lucky the
backpack. He fails miserably. Father and son stare at each
other; the past, present, and future colliding in their
thoughts. Lucky takes the backpack from his father’s hands.
“Dad?”
“What cowboy?”
“Am I too old to get a hug?”
“Never.” Luke replies as he embraces his son. He
whispers a silent prayer to God to take care of his son and
makes a silent vow to himself that there will come a day
when the three of them will be able to come home to Port
Charles.

Two more stops. The drive to Jason’s estate takes
him 30 minutes. The guard reluctantly lets him.
He doesn’t stop until he gets to Jason’s office.
Jason is setting at his desk going over some paper
works. The guards offer to throw Lucky out, but Jason
shrugs and dismisses them. He looks at Lucky.
“What can I do for you?”
“I want to know where she is.”
“I haven’t a clue,” Jason replies coolly. “And if I did,
why would you want to know.”
“Don’t play games with me. Just tell me where they
are.”
Jason fixes him with a decidedly cold stare. “I don’t
play games with my sisters life.”
“Neither do I,” Lucky’s voice rises with his
desperation. “Just tell me where she is.”
“Why?”
“Because I love her dammit,” Lucky explodes. “I
need to know where she is.”
“Why so you can find her and bring her back?”
Jason shakes his head. “She’s better off where she is,
wherever that is. I won’t have you doing anything to risk
her life or my nephew’s”
“For God’s sake did you even hear what I said?”
Lucky tries to regain control. There is very little logic in
yelling and screaming at a notorious mobster. Especially a
mobster whose help you very much need. “I love her. I want
to be with her. If she has to be exiled and life this
underground life, then I am damn well going to live it with
her. I love her. That’s all that counts. All that matters.”
Jason is silent. “Do you know what you are saying?
What you will have to give up? What you will have to do?
You say that you love her, but are you willing to pay the
cost of that love? It won’t be a safe or an easy life. Not for
any of you.”
“I’ve had safe and I’ve had easy since we got back
from Mexico. And before Emily returned. Safe and easy is
okay as long as you don’t know what you are missing.
Emily showed me what I have been missing. If I have to
choose between life with her or life without her I choose life
with her. Whatever the cost I have to pay I will pay.
Whatever is demanded of me I will do. Whatever it is. I love
her. I will not lose her. And I will not live a life that is safe
and easy while she is enduring God knows what without
me.”
“You do love her”
Lucky says nothing.
Jason considers for a moment. Strangely the person
he is thinking of is not Emily but Robin. He is remembering
that morning in Paris when they watched the sunrise and he
gave her those pills. And held her while she died. He knew
what it was to be willing to do anything for the woman you
love.
His mind made up, Jason scribbled something on a
piece of paper and handed it to Lucky. “I don’t know where
she is. She wanted it that way. But these were the names on
the passports I gave her. I don’t know if she’s still using
them or ......” His voice trailed away. Lucky pocketed the
names.
“It’s a place to start.”
Jason nods. “Before you go, we need to talk. And I
have something I want you to give Emily when you find her.
Come with me to my private quarters.”
“If I find her.” Lucky cautions as he follows Jason.

One more stop to go. Lucky is feeling confident. He
has a name. And, thanks to Jason, he has a plan of sorts for
keeping her safe once he finds her. If he finds her. When he
finds her, he corrects himself as he turns his car into the
cemetery.
The cemetery is lit only by the moonlight, but Lucky
has been to this gravesite so many times he could find it in
the darkness.
The tombstone reads simply “Elizabeth Spencer-
Beloved”. His mother and Audrey picked it out. He had
been too devastated to care. Looking at it now, he realized
they had done a nice job. The rose engraved reminded him
of Liz.
“Hi,” he begins hesitantly. There is a gentleness and
a softness to his voice. He realizes that loving Emily has
freed him to remember Liz. To remember all that she
brought to his life. All that she meant to him. And for the
first time those memories didn’t come with a soul numbing
pain. Emily had taken the pain away so that only the love
and the memories remained. He bent down to lay the
flowers he had brought in front of the tombstone.
“I’ve come to say goodbye.” He whispers. “I guess
you already know why. You’ve probably been up there
watching and wondering why it took me so long to come to
my senses. I want you to know that loving Emily doesn’t
take anything away from the love I felt and feel for you. I
will always love you Elizabeth Webber Spencer. But I know
now that the heart is big enough for more than one love at
more than one time in your life. You were the love of my
yesterdays. You taught me how to love. You taught me
what love is. Now....now I’m going to try to teach Emily
what you taught me. I’m going to love her and keep her
safe. I think you would want me to do that To let you go
and at the same time to take a piece of you with me into my
new life. Like I will take a piece of you with me wherever I
go. Just like a piece of me is with you. Always.”
Lucky remains in silent thought as a gentle breeze
blows through the cemetery and silence settles in. After
some time has passed, he gets up and walks noiselessly to
his car to begin his search.