Emily Spencer stood on the deck of her home, her eyes frozen on the night sky and shadowed trees in front of her. If she closes her eyes, she can hear him.

“You won’t lose me ever. I swear it.”
“I’ll be there for you every step of the way.”
“You are my life.”
“I love you.”

She watches the wind move gently through the trees. It has started to drizzle and she can feel the cool air but it doesn’t penetrate the layer of fog that has settled around her.

They want her to believe that he is dead. She doesn’t. He isn’t dead. She doesn’t know how she knows it, but she does. Maybe its a belief somewhere inside her that if he was really dead than she would have died also. To live without Lucky is incomprehensible to her.

He wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be dead. He wouldn’t leave her. He wouldn’t.

God, was this what Lucky had gone through when Liz had died? How had he managed to survive it? How had he ever found the strength to love again?

She comes back to that one thought that has been pounding in and out of her head for hours. “He isn’t dead.”

“Then where is he?” Jason asks from behind. “If he survived that explosion, then where he is?” Jason looked at his sister with concern.

“I don’t know. Maybe he’s hurt. Maybe Helena has him. But he’s not dead.”

“Emily, I know you want to believe that. I understand. The two of you loved each other. I know that. But you can’t stay out here and pretend that everything is okay when it’s not. You can’t hide from this.”

“Did they send you out here?”

“They’re worried about you. Monica. Alan. Even Edward. Remember what you told me when you left Mexico. They might drive you crazy but they are your family.”

Emily smiles half-heartedly but doesn’t move.

Jason sighs. He’s torn. He wants to go after Helena himself and strangle the bitch with his own two hands. But he can’t leave Emily like this. So incredibly shut down. He hadn’t lied. The family was frantic. Lucky’s accident had occurred six hours ago and except for her initial reaction on the dock, Emily had been too stoic. Too quiet. It wasn’t fair dammit. She’d been through so much. They’d been through so much. How could she be expected to continue without Lucky? Was this the straw that would finally break his sister once and for all?

“Emily, come on. Come in. It’s getting cold out here.” No response. He tries again. “Jonathan is worried sick about you. He needs you to help him through this.”

Something in Emily stirs, but the pain is too great, and so it settles down again. “I can’t go in there.”

“Emily?”

“Don’t you see? I can’t do it. I can’t walk into that house and accept their condolences for the loss of my husband. I can’t listen to everybody tell me how sorry they are. What a good person he was. I can’t do it.”

“Why not?”

“Because it would be the first step in admitting that he’s gone. It would be the first step in living my life without him. I can’t give up on him. I can’t believe that he’s dead.”

“Emily no one could have survived that explosion.”

Emily shakes her head. “Lucky could have. If anyone could have found a way, he would have.”

“Emily, it was too quick. He wasn’t expecting it. It just happened.”

“He’s not dead. He’s not. Dammit Jason you know Helena as well as I do. She could have done anything with him. Or he could be somewhere hurt.”

“They searched for hours. You know Mac had his best men searching. They didn’t find anything.”

“They didn’t find a body either.”

“Emily there wouldn’t be a body to find.”

“He’s not dead!” Emily took a deep breath and tried to calm down. “Jason, you have to believe me. He needs somebody to look for him. He needs our help.”

“Emily it will be okay. You’re not alone. There are a house full of people in there who want to help you through this if you will just let them.” Jason tried to sooth her, to placate her, to calm her.

“The only person I need right now is Lucky.” Emily shivered. “He’s the only one who can help me. All these last few weeks I’ve been worrying about how Lucky would cope if something happened to me. I never stopped to think about how I would cope if something happened to Lucky. I don’t know what a life without Lucky is like. When we were kids he was my best friend. When we fell in love he was still my best friend but he was so much more. Now you tell me that I have to learn to live without him? How do I do it? How did you do it after Robin died?”

“I did it because I had to. Because too many people were counting on me. You don’t think I wanted to die when she did? I watched her die in my arms and god help me I didn’t care what happened to me after that point. I thought I lost the best thing that would ever happen to me that morning in Paris. I’d lost everything. Michael was happy with AJ. You were gone....none of us knew if you were dead or alive. I kept imagining you lying broken in some alley. And Robin, I didn’t have to imagine Robin dead, I saw it for myself.”

Jason pauses. “But I went through the motions, you know? I kept getting up each morning and going to bed each night. I saw Michael on the weekends. I talked to Sonny or Mike or anyone else. And gradually, the pain didn’t go away it just kind of faded a little as I moved further and further away from it. Life went on. I didn’t want it too. And somedays I fought like hell against it. I didn’t have a choice because it goes on whether you want it to or not.”

“What if he’s not dead? Just what if Jason? Just think about it for a moment because we both know that its possible. How many people do we know who have managed to come back from the dead? They didn’t find a body. They found the pilot, right? Or at least parts of him.” Emily makes a face. “You can’t stand here and till me with any degree of a certainty that he is dead. You can’t.”

“The probability is that he is.”

“Probability. Not certainty. Jason please. Just promise me you won’t give up on him.”

Jason sighs. At this point he will agree to anything if it means that she will come inside and let people take care of her. “I’ll make you a deal,” He reaches out and strokes the side of her face to wipe away a tear. “I won’t give up. Tomorrow as soon as it is light I will have my men out in boats searching every inch of that river. I’ll use every contact I have to make sure Helena doesn’t have him. But you have to do something for me.”

“Anything.”

“Take care of yourself. Take care of your baby. And take care of that boy in there who needs you right now more than anything. You know its what Lucky would have wanted. He would want you to be safe above all else. I know it hurts Em. I know it does. But staying out here and pretending that everything is okay when it isn’t, that’s not what Lucky would have wanted. He would have expected you to be strong. Just like you’ve always been.”

Emily looks down and away from her brother. Her voice is soft and quiet in the cool night air. “He was my strength. He held me up when I thought I would fall to pieces. We went to hell and back for each other, you know what I mean. The thought of standing on my own, of waking up tomorrow without him, of going through this pregnancy on my own, of not having him with me, of never feeling his touch again.....” Emily pauses, for the first time since the boat exploded she lets herself think for just a moment that Lucky might really be dead. “How do I go on without him?” Determined not to let him see her tears, Emily turns away from him and back to the night sky. Jason comes up from behind her and places his arms gently around her to support her.

“You do it because that’s who you are. Because that baby you are carrying needs you to hold it together. Because you’ve got a young son in there who just lost his dad and needs his mother more than ever. You do it because it’s not in you to give up and to quit. You give up now, you run and hide now, and she wins Emily. You can’t let her win.”

Emily swallows hard and looks out at the midnight black sky and the twinkling lights, cold and distant. She closes her eyes against the pain and locks it away some place until she can take it out and let herself feel it. She can’t feel anything now. It’s too dangerous and Jason is right. There is too much she needs to do.

“You’ll remember your promise?” she asks softly as she turns away from him and heads back into the house.

“I’ll remember.”

Emily looks at her brother and nods once, before heading back into the house to take the first step towards living without the man she loved.

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

Emily shuts the sliding door to the deck and steps into the house and the conversation, what little there had been , stilled. Emily looked around, her eyes meeting Luke and Laura’s. She immediately walks over to them and Luke folds her in an embrace while Laura gently stands close by.

“I’m sorry,” Emily whispers shakily. “I’m so sorry.”

“For what sweetheart?” Luke asks quietly, marveling at the quiet strength of this young woman he has known for so long.

“She killed him because of me.” Emily whispers the words quietly, not wanting her family to over hear and be concerned. “If he hadn’t been with me he would still be alive. It’s my fault he’s gone.”

“No,” Laura shook her head. “No, Emily no. Lucky loved you. Of that I have no doubt whatsoever. You and this baby and Jonathan were the greatest source of joy in his life. You were his life. Whatever sacrifices he made to be with you he made willingly. Whatever happened this afternoon, I know that the last thing Lucky would want you to feel was guilt.”

Emily nodded. “I loved him so much.” She said to Laura. “I don’t know how to be without him.”

Laura gently pulled Emily close to her. “We will always be here for you and for the baby and for Jonathan. Not just because he loved you, but because we love you also.”

Emily nodded and after a moment pulled away. She looked over and saw her mother and father standing to the side, Edward in his wheelchair looking lost.

She walked over to her grandfather and kneeled in front of his wheelchair. “Tell me it gets better,” she pleaded with him, feeling her mother and father standing beside her.

Edward looked at his granddaughter and wished again that Lila was here. Lila would know what to say. What to do. For all that he had never wanted his granddaughter involved with a Spencer, even Edward had to admit that he had never seen Emily happier in her life than she was with Lucky these last few weeks. “I wish I could child,” he reached a trembling hand out to touch her hair. “I wish I could.” He said helplessly.

The doorbell rang and Laura, wiping away her tears, went to answer it. A minute later she returned followed by Mac Scorpio and to everyone’s surprise, Maxie carrying a casserole dish.

“My mom sent this,” Maxie explained hesitantly as Jason came forward and took the plate from her. “She would have come herself but the boys are sick. She wanted you to know how special Lucky was to her. To all of us.” Maxie feels her eyes tear up and bites her tongue.

Emily stands up and approaches Maxie. “I’ve never gotten the chance to thank you for what you did for my son in El Paso. Lucky told me you helped to save Jonathan’s life. I owe you a debt that I can never repay.”

Maxie looked away uncomfortable. “It was my job. I’m just sorry that we didn’t get Helena Cassadine before this. If we had......” She lets her voice trail off, not sure of what else to say.

Jason looks at Maxie. “I’m going to put this in the kitchen. You want to help me?” Maxie nods, grateful to be out of the emotionally charged atmosphere.

Mac looks at Emily. “I know this might not be the best time but I have to ask you some questions about the accident.”

Emily looks at Mac and shakes her head. “It wasn’t an accident.”

Mac nods. “No. It wasn’t. My men found traces of a bomb.”

Emily doesn’t flinch. She’s known from the moment the launch exploded who was responsible for this. “What do you want to know?” she asks softly.

“What were you and Lucky doing on the launch?”

“Just a moment.” Emily turns to Laura and Monica. “Where is Jonathan?”

“He and Ruby went for a walk. Nikolas went with them.”

Emily nods. “Good. He doesn’t need to hear this.” She turns back to Mac. “I guess you know about my son Jonathan and Nikolas being his father.”

Mac grunted. “I read about.”

Emily half smiled. “I guess we’ve given the media something to talk about lately. Anyway, Nikolas has had custody of Jonathan for the last three weeks. This morning, Lucky and I were...(she pauses heavily) fixing up the nursery for the new baby when Nikolas called unexpectedly. He was inviting me to visit Jonathan at Wyndemere this afternoon.”

“This was the first time you’ve seen Jonathan since he moved to Wynderemere.”

“Yes.”

“And the invitation was only for you.”

Emily nodded. “At first I wasn’t going to accept, but Lucky convinced me to. He knew how much I missed Jonathan. Lucky was like that, he always knew what I was feeling. Sometimes he knew it before I did and.....” Monica gently puts her arm around her daughter as Emily continues. “Anyway, I was really excited but Lucky was worried.”

“Why? Was he afraid that Nikolas would try something?”

“No! Or if he was he didn’t say anything to me. He was worried about me. I’ve been having dizzy spells off and on for a week or so. Lucky didn’t want me taking the ride across the water on the launch by myself so he came with me. He was being really overprotective, but I didn’t care. I was so excited that we got to the dock about ten or fifteen minutes early. But it was okay because the launch captain was waiting. So we got to Spoon Island early. Nikolas was waiting. Nikolas and Lucky, well they weren’t exactly friendly but they were mostly civil. I....I...told Lucky goodbye...and watched him leave...and then Nikolas and I turned around to walk back to Wyndemere and there was this explosion....”

When Emily finished quietly, Luke looked up at Mac. “You thinking what I’m thinking Bubba?”

Mac nodded. “There was a timing mechanism set on the bomb.”

Emily looked up. Lucky had taught her enough that she knew what that meant. She closed her eyes and opened them. They were cold and dead and flat, like her voice. “We were excited so we got there ten or fifteen minutes early. If...If we had gone through with the plans Nikolas and I made, than that would have been me on that launch instead of Lucky. That bomb was meant for me. Lucky died in an explosion that was rigged for me.”

“I’m afraid so. You know anyone who might want you dead? Or do I need to ask?” Mac questioned.

“It was Helena.I know it.” Emily replied quietly. “She killed Lucky and now all I have to do is kill her.” The last was said silently, but her eyes met Luke’s and she knows they are both thinking the same thing.

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

The Kitchen

Jason puts the casserole in the refrigerator, closes the door, and leans back against the counter. Maxie watches him and sees the grief and concern and fear mingled in his eyes. Without saying a word she steps into his arms and he holds her tight, grateful for her warmth and solidness. A shaky hand reaches out to touch a tendril of blond hair that he pulls back from her face. Their eyes meet.

“Thank you,” he whispers softly. “I know its just for this moment, but God I need you right now. I need to hold you and touch you and hear you....” His voice breaks and her eyes glisten with tears.

“Shhh,” she tells him as she gently presses her body weight against his. “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not fair you know? Emily doesn’t deserve this. Any of this. Neither does Jonathan or the baby. Or Luke and Laura. Or Ruby or Lulu. None of them deserve this. Lucky was loved by so many people. Needed by so many people. How the hell does God justify this?”

“I don’t know,” Maxie says simply. “I just know that we have to be there for each other. Your sister needs you. So does your nephew. And you will be there for them because you are an incredibly strong person Jason Morgan.”

“I’m going to kill Helena Cassadine.” Jason makes the vow softly. “I’m going to make her pay for what she did to Emily and to Lucky just like I made Katherine pay for what she did to you.”

Maxie draws back, looks in Jason’s steel blue eyes, and then shakes her head. “I’m not going to ask. Not tonight.” She reaches up to touch a clenched jaw. “Tell me what I can do for you.”

He can’t resist. Gently he grabs her hand and pulls it close to his mouth and gently kisses the tips of her fingers. At her soft moan, his hand reaches around her waist and pulls him still closer until the length of his body is molded to the length of hers. He reaches forward until his mouth is inches from her.

“You should stop me,” he whispers, his breath warm on her. “This isn’t a good idea for either one of us. It doesn’t change a thing.”

“Tell me to leave,” she counters. “Tell me you don’t need me at this moment.”

“I can’t,” he confesses. “Maybe in a few minutes when I’m stronger. But it hurts too much at this moment. And something tells me that you are the only one who can make it feel better.”

“Just for this moment,” she nods, her heart beating fast .

“Just this once,” he agrees as he closes the distance between them and gently places his lips on hers. The kiss is at first tentative, but when she responds he deepens it until he has complete control of her thoughts, her mind, her body. She can feel the desperation and the pain in his kiss but she returns it anyway, determined for this one moment out of time to let the man she loves know how she feels. She had never imagined that a simple kiss could shatter her soul but this one does.

Jason is the first to pull away, visibly shaken.

“I....” he begins unsure of what to say next.

“Don’t,” Maxie gently places a finger on his lips. “The moment is over.” She smiles tremulously. “I should go see how my father is doing.”

He nods and watches her head to the kitchen door.

“Maxie?” He calls her back, not sure what to say but aware that he needs to say something.

“Yes?”

She turns around and he looks at her. She is still beautiful. She is still out of his reach. He was right. For all that kiss meant, it didn’t change a thing. They still lived in separate worlds. He had to be strong for her sake. She deserved better.

“Thank you.” He says simply.

She smiles, turns, and leaves.