Black Cat's Jokes Page
Page Maintained by
Jeff Finlay |
Black Cat's Chuckles section
I have always been a big fan of humor, it is one of my favorite things. From now on, any good jokes that float by me will be posted here (if they are appropriate). Most of the jokes that will go up here come from various sources, and by the time they make it here, I will probably not remember them. If I do, I will post it at the end of the joke, otherwise, the real author will not get credit. This is not an attempt on my part to rob the author of his creation, simply a lack of knowledge error on my part.
Be patient, I have quite a few images on this page and they
may take a while to load if you don't have a high speed internet connection (the
little meter I have at the bottom of my HTML editors says it will take about 4
minutes for a 56.6 Kbps modem—so all you dial-up web surfers are going to have
to be patient to enjoy my funny pictures and demotivational statements.
Use the links below to jump to different sections of the
jokes page:
Funny Pictures
A lot of these came from T-Shirt websites like
tshirthell.com,
snorgtees.com, and
bustedtees.com.
The following T-shirt graphics are a tribute to Will Ferrell.
I wouldn't say that he's necessarily my favorite actor, but he does star in a
lot of my favorite movies. These quotes come from movies or TV shows he was in:
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Demotivational Statements
Many of these can be found at
despair.com, and are probably copyrighted.
I decided these were funnier with the pictures, so I went to the website and
downloaded the ones I could find. If you can't read the text on the graphic, I
also typed it out below the image.
Change:
When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most
trivial of things can become deadly projectiles. |
Incompetence:
When you earnestly believe you can compensate
for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't
do. |
Mediocrity:
It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the
difference until it's too late. |
Quality:
The race for quality has no finish line—so technically, it's more like
a death march. |
Regret:
It hurts to admit when you make mistakes—but when they're big
enough, the pain only lasts a second. |
Teamwork:
A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an
avalanche of destruction. |
|
There are many more of these at despair.com. |
Cluelessness:
There are no stupid questions, but
there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots. |
Discovery:
A company that will go to the ends of the Earth for its
people will find it can hire them for about 10% of the cost of
Americans. |
Get to Work:
You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your
dreams. |
Idiocy:
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in
large groups. |
Ignorance:
It's amazing how much easier it is for a team to work together when no
one has any idea where they're going.
|
Ineptitude:
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly. |
|
In case you've forgotten, that was
despair.com. |
Inspiration:
Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration,
which is why engineers sometimes smell really bad. |
Leaders:
Leaders are like eagles. We don't have either of them here. |
Limitations:
Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea
how far you can walk. |
Meetings:
None of us is as dumb as all of us. |
Mistakes:
It could be that the purpose of your life is
only to serve as a warning to others. |
Pressure:
It can turn a lump of coal into a flawless diamond,
or an average person into a perfect basketcase. |
|
Another reminder:
despair.com. |
Motivation:
If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to
motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be
doing soon. |
Potential:
Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up. |
Problems:
No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem
now, remember, you've probably only seen the tip of them. |
Retirement:
Because you've given so much of yourself to the company that
you don't have anything left we can use. |
Sacrifice:
Your role may be thankless, but if you're willing to give it
your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you. |
Success:
Some people dream of success, while other people live to crush
those dreams. |
Tradition:
Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's
not incredibly stupid. |
Underachievement:
The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut
by the lawnmower. |
Worth:
Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important.
|
|
One last note, in case you just haven't gotten it yet; go to
despair.com to see more
demotivators. |
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Light a man a fire, and you'll keep him warm for a day. Light a man on fire, and you'll keep him warm
until he dies.
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Bumper Stickers and T-Shirts
A list of some bumper stickers I've seen that I thought were good.
My Border Collie is smarter than your honor student.
If the world didn't SUCK, we'd all fall off.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Visualize getting off your hippie ass and getting a job.
Peace had a chance.
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Famous Last Words
(this list will get longer as I find new quotes)
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist…"
—General John Sedgwick (Union Commander), the Battle of Spotsylvania (American Civil War), d. 1864. Immediately before being shot in the head by a Confederate
musket ball.
I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.
—François Rabelais, writer, d. 1553
Go away. I'm all right.
—H. G. Wells, novelist, d. 1946
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
—Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900
I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record…
—Dylan Thomas, poet, d. 1953
Go on, get out—last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so she could write them down for posterity.
Quotations
"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a
contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended
to be."
"It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'as pretty as an airport'
exist."
—Douglas Adams
"Things should be described as simply as possible, but no simpler."
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former."
—Albert Einstein
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
"I wish I had an answer to that, because I'm tired of
answering that question."
"If you don't know where you're going, you'll wind up
somewhere else."
"It ain't over 'til it's over."
"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
"We're lost but we're making good time."
Yogi's teacher, "You don't know anything, do you
Berra?"
Yogi, "I don't even suspect anything, sir."
—Yogi Berra
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A list of short little jokes I thought were funny
I have ADOS…Attention Deficit–Oh, Shiny!
The single greatest labor saving device of today…tomorrow.
Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
Q: What did Bob Dole reply when asked if he preferred boxers or briefs?
A: It "Depends"...
Hackers: We're explorers, not criminals.
In the realm of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
When men talk sex to women, its sexual harassment but when women talk sex to men it's
$3.95 per minute.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone else have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghoul's best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Meat is murder! Tasty, tasty murder.
A man in a suede jacket was stopped on the street by an angry
woman. "Do you know a cow was murdered to make that jacket?" she shouted. "Yeah,
but I didn't know there were any witnesses," he replied. "Now I'm gonna have to
kill you too."
Insults
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
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Words of Wisdom from the Battlefield (derived from Murphy's Law)
—Author Unknown
- If the enemy is in range, so are you.
- Incoming fire has right of way.
- Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
- The easy way is always mined.
- Try not to look important, they may be low on ammo.
- Professionals are predicable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.
- The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
- When you're ready for them.
- When you're not ready for them.
- Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
- If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
- If your attack is going well, you've walked into an ambush.
- Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
- The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
- When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
- If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
- When in doubt, empty the magazine.
- Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
- Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
- Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
- Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
- A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
- Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer for anything.
- The quartermaster only has two sizes: too large and too small.
- Five second fuses only last three seconds.
- It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
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