I was 19 when I got married, which I must admit was a big mistake. But I was young and in love and nothing could stop me.
It was so unexpected. All of a sudden she was pregnant and I didn't know what to do, so I bought a ring. It was a beautiful white gold ring with our names inscribed on the inside. I was proud of myself for picking out such a nice ring, I remember. I took it home and popped the question, and she said yes. I thought that that was it. I would marry her, start my little family and be happy and content for the rest of my life.
I told my family the news. They took it a little worse than I thought, but it was like I didn't care. I would tell Carly at night that no matter what, we would be together. Even if we had to take off and get away from everyone, we would be together. I thought it would be like that too; every waking moment would be spent with Carly.
In all the craziness I guess I started to forget and disregard my band. I would miss practices and forget gigs. And when my brothers would ask me about it, I felt bad. I wanted so bad to be able to have a family and a career at the same time, that I got married right away. A month after we were engaged, we were married. Then, a month after that, I was on the road with my band.
I was advised by my record company and my family to not go public with my marriage. They said that we would lose record sales and a fan base. I understood and never said anything. And just like every other interview we had done, we were asked about girlfriends. Once again, I put on my best smile and told everyone, even my wife, that I wasn't in a relationship. It hurt Carly. I think she felt like she didn't exist in my eyes. Which was entirely untrue! I thought about her every waking moment. I longed to be in her embrace when I was on the road. And every time I could, I called her and told her how much I missed her. I did that for four months. From March to June I didn't get to see her. When we finally got a break, it was only for a week.
By that time, Carly was really pregnant. I felt so bad that I didn't get to be there with her, so I bought her a puppy. I cute little golden retriever that she named Ben. Seeing her with that dog made me feel good. I felt that since she was home all the time, she needed a friend and Ben was perfect.
The week passed quickly and I was back on the road. We were kicking off the tour in our home state of Oklahoma and it was going to last a long time. I was never quite sure how long it would be because we were constantly adding dates to the end. I could see the sadness in Carly's eyes when I kissed her goodbye. I can still remember everything about that kiss. I wiped her tears with my thumbs and gently touched my lips to hers. She put her arms around my neck and pulled me in for a kiss. We kept kissing, not wanting to say goodbye. It was maybe the moment I realized that this was the hardest thing. I couldn't have the career I have and then add a wife and a baby to that. I couldn't see how anybody else could have done it and not chosen one or the other. I love my music. I love Carly.
I left that day feeling helpless. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stay home and be with Carly and the unborn baby. And I couldn't miss the tour. I wanted so bad to just stop. Stop everything and leave. But I kept going. I got on the plane and took off. I tried my hardest to not look back.
The tour was awesome. All I looked forward to during the day was the night, because that was when we would perform. I loved the attention and the adoration we received on stage. I couldn't have asked for anything more. And at night, I would go back to the hotel and think of nothing else but the high I got onstage. I started to put off calling Carly some nights, so I could get some extra practice in. I thought she would understand. I knew she realized that music was my first love and nothing could change that. So Carly became something I tried to not think about because I wanted to concentrate solely on the music.
One hot night in August, I got a call from my frantic mother saying Carly had gone into labor. Following up on my promise, I caught the earliest flight I could back to Tulsa. I was worried. Carly wasn't due for another two months. Something had to be wrong. But all I could think about on the flight was how I would be missing a performance, and we would have to come up with some lame excuse to cover up the fact I had a pregnant wife. I remember being mad at her because she wasn't supposed to have the baby for another two months, and she was making me take time out of my busy schedual.
When I made it to the hospital my mom was all crying and walking back and forth in the lobby waiting for me. She told me that Carly had had troubles in child birth and she wasn't doing too well.
I ran as fast as I could to the maternity ward. I found Carly lying quietly with tubes sticking out of her. It was like a wake up call. What the hell had I been thinking? I had been mad at her when nothing was her fault. She looked so scared on that bed, even in her sleep.
A doctor came in and asked if I was her husband. Then he started to explain what had happened. I was devastated. My wife. The only person I had ever loved with all my heart was dying from massive blood loss and there was nothing the doctors could do about it but hope. I hadn't even thought about the baby. All I could think of was Carly. All thoughts of the tour and my band had vanished.
When they brought in the baby I started crying. How could I be so happy and yet so sad at the same time? How could it be possible. I held the baby girl in my arms and sobbed. She was beautiful. What was worse was that she looked exactly like Carly. Even when my mother told me how much her eyes looked like mine, or how her smile reminded her of me, I saw Carly when I looked at her.
I called my brothers and told them I wouldn't be returning to the tour. I didn't tell them why, so they didn't understand. At the end of the conversation with Taylor, I remember hearing him say "What's more important than touring, Ike?" I didn't say anything. I figured he would soon find out on his own.
Carly died three days later on September first. And although I remember all the times we spent together and all the good times we had, I still remember the anger I felt on that plane ride. And the nights I wouldn't call her because I didn't feel like it. Looking back I could have done so many things different, like cared. I didn't care that she was home alone pregnant. All I cared about was how good I looked up on stage.
Today, my daughter is four years old. Every time I look at her I see Carly. Every time I hear her say "daddy," I hear Carly. There's nothing I can do now though, but try not to make the same mistake with my daughter that I made with Carly.
And when I say getting married at 19 was a mistake, I'm lying, because my only mistake was not being there.
