I am not doing this on purpose. It's not an accident either. I really meant for it to be this way and I know that it wasn't cool.
Who cares about cool though? I mean, we spend all our lives trying to fit in and be part of the crowd, to be cool. And when we finally make it to "cool" we find out that it isn't all that it's cracked up to be. It's mearly an illusion to make us want it; to lure us in. To be "cool."
I saw that same illusion and I tried everything to be a part of it. I wanted to be what everybody called "cool." I bought new, "cool" clothes. I met new, "cool" friends. I got rid of my old friends, just to be "cool." It wasn't worth any of it. I made those friends and I had some fun with them before everything started changing. I even got a girlfriend who was what everyone considered "cool." It was great. But like I said, it all changed. I'm still cool and people still like me, but I don't like me. I don't like the special attention I get and I miss my old friends. They won't even talk to me anymore anyway. I can understand that though. If I were them, I wouldn't talk to me either.
But I'm not doing this on purpose. I got that record deal and I made my albums. It was a lot of fun playing for all the girls who were just as excited as I was. But after each show, I would think of my old friends, the "un-cool" ones who were back in Tulsa watching me and wishing that I would just call them and say hi. I couldn't. I wouldn't. I wanted to, but as I said before, it wouldn't have been "cool." I guess maybe I felt too good for them by that time. I was the famous one and they were the ones stuck in biology class. But, I think my time is up. I haven't had a real homecooked meal in eight months. I haven't slept in my own bed or talked to my best freind in three months and my brothers won't speak to me. There is so much tension that I can't take it. So much hatred around me that I'm ready to quit.
I want what I had. I want out of "cool." Its so hard though. I wish that as soon as I stopped, that people would stop. That I could walk down the street and not be hounded for an autograph and an explanation for leaving. Reality...that will never happen. Who am I kidding anyway? I can't stop doing music. I just want out of for awhile. I'm 17...I need to live. I'm going to. This is my life and I am done for now. The only probelm is having to tell people. I wish I could leave and not have that, but if I want out this bad, it's something I'm ready to deal with...I guess. I pray that I won't break my family's hearts. I pray that they will understand and let me live my life. And most of all, I pray that the fans will be able to forgive me and let me have some time off. I get these letters from girls saying I changed their lives. I don't want those girls to feel cheated. I don't want them to feel like they wasted 3 years of their lives liking me and my brothers, and now it's all gone since I forced us to stop.
Fuck it....I'm being selfish. Of course they're gonna hate me. I hate me. But it all goes back to the "cool" thing. In the long run I'll hate myself if I don't do this, much like I hated myself for leaving my old friends. And the longer I wait, the more I begin to question my motives. I'm doing this for me...and everyone. Because if I don't get out, I'm going to explode at an interview, or walk off the stage at a concert.
So this is it. It's over. I'm doing this for me . . .
