Journal

Do you ever notice that the relationships that you have throughout life are always repeated versions of each other. Just think about it. The girl beaten by her father, grows up to be the women beaten by her husband.

A not so extreme example of this phenomenon can be seen in the friends that I've had over the years. These friends ( or actually, "friends" is more appropriate) fit loosly into two groups of people. The first group are the "fair weather Charlies". They're your friend whenever they want to be, and when it most benefits themselves. This inherent selfishness inevitably leads to what I like to call "old friend abandonment". They are constantly seeking out other people for friends ("better friends"!), not because they are social, but because they need to find people who will make them look good.(I know, harsh words) Unfortunately, most of my "friends" have fit into this catagory.

The second group are the friends that are actually friends. Very few people in my life fit into this catagory (And I mean very few.)

So what is it exactly that drives me to want to be "friends" with group number one? I haven't quite figured that one out yet. Maybe I'm attracted to people who are confident, loud, and mostly sarcastic/funny.

However intriging my choice of friends may be, that's not really what prompted this look at cycles of relationships. No, I'm more disturbed by the pattern of guys that one has a propensity toward liking. I, for one, believe that you have no concious control over the kind of people that you are attracted to. But I'm wondering why I keep crushing on guys who are not only my friends, but extremely unlikely to reciprocate. Why!?! I'm killing myself here!

So I learned the key to being happy this weekend. From where? you ask. Why, from church, of course. (I can hear a certain someone cringing). But no, it's not really religious, just a good guide to follow. Heidi gave this lesson in Old Women's (don't ask) on Sunday. I think it was just something that she threw together at the last minute because she was told that our scheduled speaker had canceled. So anyway.....

The first thing you have to do to be happy is : Notice the small things. What? You don't know what small things are? Heidi, having recently spent time in Western Europe, stated that now that she's back in the States she really appreciates cold milk. ("That is GOOD stuff!") It's kind of like that saying, "Stop and smell the roses", but realistically most roses don't smell like anything...but anyway, I'm a big fan of small things. I love the way it smells after it rains (if you live in Oregon, you know what I'm talking about). And along with the small things, comes appreciation for what you have, and not resenting that you don't have everything that you want. Give thanks for what you have and don't dwell on the negative, which brings us to #2......

The second thing: Open your heart. How are you going to be happy if you carry around all of your pain, resentment, envy, sorrow, grudges.....well, you get the idea. All of those bad feelings crowd out all of the good feelings and that's no fun. You won't be able to enjoy yourself or others. And here comes #3.....

The third and final thing: Open your arms. Help others. Give service. I really hate to do this (sorry Anne), but I can't help but quote a scripture from the Book of Mormon (don't know what book it's from off the top of my head) "When we are in the service of our fellow beings, we are only in the service of our God."

So anyway, those are the three things that can make someone a happy person. I don't think that I could ever do all three of those things at one time, cuz I'm just not very friendly, or giving....but I notice the small things, so that's a start......

Okay, this is the second day in a row that I don't have anything to talk about, but I'm writing in my journal anyway...hmmmm.....for lack of something better to do? I probably should be sleeping, but that's just what they'd expect!! No, just kidding.

I think I'm starting to go insane from too much sleep. I keep sleeping in until noon, every day. However, that's not as long as you might think, cuz I go to bed at around 2, 3 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, so our wedding quintet had a wedding rehearsal today(Saturday) for a wedding that's tomorrow(or rather today because it is past midnight). While we were waiting for the wedding party, there were people setting up for a high school reunion (the class of '61 I believe). So we were practicing and the reunion people ask us if we will play for them after we are done with the wedding rehearsal. We're like "Sure!" (cuz they were gonna pay us). So we make 20 bucks each out of the whole experience (4 for just showing up to the wedding rehearsal, and 16 for playing for the reunion). We didn't even think that we were gonna be making money today, so it's all good.

My brother is coming home in three weeks, so I'm really excited. I haven't seen him in two years. He's been over in Russia, serving a mission for our church. Unfortunately, he will only be home a few days before he has to go back to Utah for school. That's kind of a bummer, cuz I won't get to see him again until Christmas.

....speaking of Christmas, my vacation from school is like an entire month! I couldn't believe it. I'm thinkin' that it's going to be a welcome break. I'm not really ready to jump back into a school schedule. Good thing I have until the end of September to get my act together.....

Okay.....so I still have nothing of depth to say so......yeah......

I think that this is the first time that I've set out to write a journal when I don't really have anything specific that I want to talk about. The world must be coming to end! No, just kidding.

So I've been spending a lot of time with people from my church lately. We do lots of stuff. We go boating and skiing and play different sports, and play somewhat violent games involving pillows and animal sounds(SSSSMOO!!!) Eh.....nevermind, you wouldn't understand. I'm kinda gonna miss 'em all when I go away to Portland (I just about wrote potland :P). Anyways..... but I guess I don't feel that bad. Afterall, most of them are going off to college too. Hopefully they will all be back next summer (though I wouldn't blame them if they didn't want to come back to this town). That Lamoni. A very VERY strange guy. He's like eccentric, weird, and cool at the same time. I don't think that I could handle being around him for long periods of time (I think we can all leave that to Kat or whoever). I didn't really explain that everyone in my church "ward" is 18-30 and single. It makes for a lot of good times.

Yeah....so I went to see Rush Hour 2 today. I like it very much. I'm a big Jackie Chan enthusiast(sp?). Chris Tucker is REALLY funny in this movie too.

So anyways, back to my church group....they went swimming in the river today (Illinois?)...well anyways, I had already decided that I was going to the movie so when Lamoni called to ask me if I was going I said no. (I don't even know why Lamoni is still calling people about activities, poor guy, he's not even the president of the activities committee anymore!) I figured Stacy would probably go, even though it would be right after getting back from being away for a week. I was right. So Kat arranged for Lamoni to pick her up (her car was still not operational cuz our dad had been working on it while she was gone). I was leaving for my movie pretty much the same time Lamoni pulled into our driveway, and he freakin' blocked me in! I knew he was just trying to rile me up cuz I wouldn't go to the river.....but anyways....his brother Aukai was sitting out in his car while Lamo was inside, and he kept harrassing me about not going to the river....he's all "You're gonna get in the car and go to the river" and I'm like "No, I'm going to a movie." and he's all "Get in the car...." and we just went on like that for five minutes....I was gonna be late for my movie, so I go back into the house to try and get Lamo to move the car and he's like "If you really want it moved then move it yourself." (he also did a quant enactment of the action, with sound effects) So I did, all the while Aukai was still harrassing me about not coming swimming. After that ordeal I went to my movie and quite enjoyed myself.

Ya know, the one time that I take my shower before nine o'clock Lamoni calls wanting everyone to come over and hang out. So I go, my hair dripping wet. There was quite a few of us there. Glen actually showed up! He hadn't come to anything for a while. Then there was Marinda, Bruce, Danielle, Kat, me, Stace, Aukai and Lamoni. Stephanie came too, but she came late and missed out on the fun (actually she probably wouldn't have thought it was all that "fun"). We played the afore mentioned game involving pillows and animal noises (MOOSSSE!!!). Actually it's called "Animal". Yeah, I know.....it's so profound.

So I guess I lied at the beginning. I kind of did have something to talk about, just nothing that actually involved depth. My brain must be atrophying. Yeah......so......SSSSMOO!!!!!!

Why is it that people insist on telling me things that I already know and can't really change? Like when people accuse me of insulting others just to make myself look better (i.e. people who don't understand sarcasm and can't take a joke). Yeah, so I'm sarcastic and you can't take it, get over it. But that's not what people have been saying to me lately.

No, now apparently, I'm just plain rude. Such a small word, yet some people think that it has power as some sort of insult. I definitely don't take it as an insult when it comes from my sister. Just a passive reprimand.

I'll admit it. There are times when I have no tact. Actually, most of the time I'm pretty tactless. I blame my friends for that. Not that that is a bad thing. I could be blunt, brutally honest, and sarcastic around them and it didn't phase them at all (maybe because they were choir people). But with normal people it's different. Their skin isn't as thick I guess. They can't handle a joking insult.

But ya know what? I don't think I can change. I'm a rude person. I don't try to be.

And it's not just a coincidence that all of the people that I'm "rude" to are guys. But that's not to say that I'm mean to all guys. Just the ones that challenge me verbally (if you know anyone who is really sarcastic, you know what I'm talking about). Not to mention any names *cough*steve,aukai*cough* , but I've really been getting a lot of flack from guys at my church. I seriously wish that they would just leave me alone and stop baiting me, cuz that doesn't make my mood any better. In fact, it makes me feel worse, cuz then they point out that I'm being "rude". Ya well they're a little rude, too. And chew on this one, I wouldn't burn you if you didn't burn me first. I hold grudges for a long time, so don't think for a minute that I'm mean just to be cruel and that I have no soul. I'm being rude for a reason.

What reason? you ask. It could be a number of things, things which are too numerous to list.

But ya know, sarcasm is also my biggest defense mechanism. I push people away, especially those that I think will threaten my emotional stability. So if I'm rude to you, you have somehow demonstrated that you are a threat to my personage or that I can't trust you. What's weird is that usually, I won't be rude to someone that I don't like.

Rude or not rude, I just want everyone to stop giving me shit about it and ask themselves why I might be treating them that way, instead of just perpetuating the cycle of offensiveness by being rude back. It's something in me that makes me act that way and I don't think that it is going to stop. I believe that there are deaper emotional issues/scars that need to be fixed before I can direct any attention to my outer personality. So there..... >:(

Please excuse my while I gag. It makes me sick. Everyone's suddenly got someone....except me, naturally. When have I ever had someone? Never.

Most people say that Lord Tennyson was right when he mused that "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." Well I'm sure he's probably right, but then again there would be no way for me to know, now would there. And how would he even know? Technically, you cannot make a real comparison between two things unless you've experienced them both. It's like when people ask me what it's like to be a twin. Well, I don't really know the answer to that. What's it like to not be a twin? Comparitively, wouldn't he have had to go through life never having been loved and loved and lost? What, was he reincarnated? Probably not.

So what exactly is so wrong with me that guys totally look the other direction? I'm not horrendously ugly or anything, but I've observed over the years that even the ugly people have boyfriends and girlfriends (I'm not trying to be mean, just brutally honest). I guess I'm just not "girlfriend material", whatever that means. What?, am I too independent? Guys must not be able to handle girls who have opinions and aren't afraid to express them. One would think that honesty and straightforwardness would be desirable qualities, but I guess guys just want a cute, little, nieve token girlfriend that they think will make them look good (but it doesn't, it just makes them look like shmucks).

But maybe it's my fault. My fault that I'm 18 and I've never been on a date. My fault that I don't know what love is or how to love someone else. My fault that the only emotions I know how to express are sorrow and fake happiness (that's all for show, I wouldn't want to upset everyone else's happy existences by actually telling people how I feel, after all, experience has shown that they don't care about what I feel anyways). And I just wish that all you damn people would STOP TELLING ME TO BE MORE POSITIVE. I'm cynical. DEAL WITH IT AND STOP GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT IT!!!

And I'm spent.

Oh, and thanks to my friend for saying that I'm cool. I kinda got the impression that someone said I was talkin' smack about you, but the truth is that I haven't talked shit about and anyone who says otherwise is totally lying out of their ass.

Okay, so why is it that all of the sudden all my friends hate each other? Did I totally miss something? I must have, because it all seemed to just come out of the blue. I don't even know what caused all this back-biting.

I feel kind of lost in the middle. The last thing I want is to take sides because I don't really know what happened, but it's hard to stay out of the conflict. Even hearing both sides of the story doesn't help. There's obviously been mis-interpretations and the like on both sides (actually on multiple sides...) because everyone's stories don't make sense to me.

I wish we were all still friends. Now it's just weird to be doing stuff with one group of friends while the other friends weren't even invited (but wouldn't have come if they had been invited). It feels like we're leaving someone out (but basically, we are) and there's a void.

I guess without the uniting element of being a choir member, we all no longer have a reason to hang out together. No common interests, bonds, loyalties. But if that's the case, why do I still hold on to those friendships? Probably because they are the only ones that I have. Maybe I'm fooling myself. Should I be letting go too? I don't want to, but should I? Are these friendships that I have forged over three years not worth anything? Should they be thrown away over petty differences and misunderstandings? Were they never meant to last? I thought they were. I thought the point of making good friends was to keep them.

I must just have a mixed up view of the world. Yeah, that must be it. Heavin forbid we make friendships that will last. I know that I won't be forgeting my friends any time soon (unless they do something really shitty to me...then there would be hell to pay). But in the mean time....

What's in a friend? Well, I've always thought that I valued honesty in a friend, but theory never works the same in practice. I don't think I have ever had an honest friend (with the exception of maybe one person). In fact, I think I have a predisposition for making friends who lie to me, manipulate me, and who eventually dump me altogether (in record breaking amounts of time too). So honesty is out the window.... Itegrity? Well we already discussed the lying, so integrity is gone too. I always seem to make friends who are sarcastic and patronizing (in other words, incredibly hilarious). I can't stand people who have no sense of humor (they're boring). no laughs=no friend....A person's level of "niceness" probably has some factor in a friendship. I say "some" because I'm almost sure that people are nice to me just to my face (the lying, remember?) so who knows what they're saying behind my back. What about their loyalty to you during the rough times? HA! Loyalty my ass...most of my friends think that if it's not about them it's of no importance. They see you as someone trying to steal their spotlight. Looks, money and popularity maybe? Well maybe for some people we know, but just cuz they make you look good to people who don't know you, doesn't mean they really make you look good. To those of us who actually know you, it makes you look like a shmuck.

So now that we've established all those traitsare expendable from a friendship (except humor), what's left? For me, the only thing left is that you have to be able to talk your friend. Without communication there are no real relationships. Talking can make and break friendships. I want a friend that I can tell things to and know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that they will keep it a secret. I want my friend to still be my friend after revelations, adventures and trials in the relationship.

Maybe I expect too much from my friends. Maybe that's why I sometimes feel really empty when I'm with them. But I can't really do anything about that right now. Because despite my friends, I'll always be honest, have integrity, provide comic relief, be nice when I have to.... and if you're patient and willing to listen, I can talk too.....

Okay...so I haven't been able to get on the internet for a while. A thunderstorm passed right over us and it somehow damaged the phone line connecting us all to the internet, but not our OTHER phone. How weird is that? I've been dying without the internet. I'm at home all day, so you can imagine what a large part of the day is spent surfing the web. I've been finding myself with absolutely nothing to do (imagine that).

My dependence on technology for something to do is pretty sad. I guess I could watch TV (and I do sometimes), but we have like 200 channels and there's almost never anything on. Playing tennis is an option, except that the people I play with all work and are never at home when I want to play. Grrrrr....

UUGGGHHHH!!!! I just can't get over the fact that I haven't had the internet for two days!(obviously I'm writing this while I still don't have internet access). It really bugs me. I can't update my site, I can't check my email, I can't check outthe lastest Star Wars news. I'm in a crisis here! This is important stuff that I should be doing on the web....but noooooo!... the thunderstorm had to take all of that away from me! Damn natural disasters (and trust me, this is a disaster). I guess this won't even be read until I get back online, so until then.....

So I was reading my friend's journal on her site and was kind of taken off guard by the fact that her mood says she's "in love". She didn't mention any names, but I'm pretty sure I know who she's talking about (I'm guessing a certain nice dressing, clueless would-be model, but I could be wrong). The fact is that she thought that she was over him, but now she realizes she never got over him. Gosh golly geez, can I relate....
At any rate, I was really thinking about it and I've come to the opinion that you never really get over liking anyone. I don't think it matters who they are or what they've done, you will never really get rid of your feelings. You can deny all you want (to yourself or your friends), but deep down it's still there.
What sucks is the fact that he is never going to like her back(that's not harsh, it's reality, she knows it too). But she doesn't think that she should tell him, which I totally don't agree with. Another friend of mine once told me that you shouldn't waste all your time having a crush on someone if you're not going to do anything about it. I had a crush on a guy for over a year and it was killing me because I was the only one that knew. I told a total of two friends before I got the nerve to tell him. It was, without a doubt, the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. There is no emotion that can describe the feeling of knowing that you have to tell a friend that you have feelings for them when you KNOW that they don't, won't, and couldn't like you back. But because this guy has been a good friend to me (despite how he's treated others) he wasn't weirded out by my confession. He told me that he respects me more for telling him and that he's not a good person to have a crush on (in other words, his subtle way of telling me he didn't feel the same way). But I was cool with that, 'cuz I had it off my back that I liked him (it wasn't a secret anymore). And in my own way it was a first step in getting over him ( as much as one can, considering the theory on crushes above).
And maybe, just maybe, when this guy (i think my sister said it best) "realizes he's not going to marry a supermodel" he will have a thought of me in the back of his mind and know that I was into him, and maybe give me a chance (yeah right).
It could be the same way for my friend. I'm still friends (better friends even) with my former crush and I think your guy (if it is who I think it is) would understand and not look down on you for liking him. That's why he's such a good friend (one I've had for a long time).
And that's my two cents...

I really start to wonder about my friends sometimes. Especially when they start talkin s*** about other friends behind their backs. And I'm not talkin about the "girl-friends stabbing girl-friends in the back." No, this doesn't involve any b****-fights. I'm talkin about guy friends talkin smack about people who I (and other friends of mine) thought that these guys were friends with, too. What's up with that? They even knew that I was friends with the girl they were talkin about and they said all this s*** in front of my face about how they thought that she was dirty and that she was the biggest mistake that another friend(we'll call him *Bob) had ever made (she and *Bob have been dating for a while now).

So I'm left to wonder, do they talk like that about me behind my back? Can I really take anything that they say seriously? Are they actually my friends or are they just frontin to get somethin from me?

I have this sinking feeling that most of the friendships that I've made throughout my four years of high school don't mean anything. I don't trust hardly anyone. They(my "friends") have all showed signs of hypocracy and have, on numerous occasions, stabbed each other in the back. And once again, I have to think about what they really think of me.

I have been deceived, stepped on, and broken by my friendships in the past. I look into some of my friends faces and eyes and can't read them. I'm a terrible judge of character now and I blame it on my friends in the past. They seemed so nice, but then something went wrong and overnight they wanted nothing to do with me. I'm bitter now. Hardened into a sarcastic and often patronizing person, I'm now perceived by new people that I meet to be a snob. And I use my sarcasm as a defensive shield, a mask to cover my shattered, emotional interior. A mask that I want to get rid of, but can't.

Maybe my new surroundings in Portland will allow me to take it off and be me. And maybe I'll make some genuine friends that actually give a damn about me....