Emily turned in Nikolas arms as they sat in the waiting room of the hospital, his jacket draped around her shoulders, her eyes half closed with exhaustion. “What time is it?” she asked him as she tried to sit up.

“Almost midnight.” Nikolas replied softly. He was exhausted himself and torn between worrying over Emily’s quiet devastation and Will’s frozen stoicism. God what a nightmare this Christmas Eve had turned out to be.

“It’s almost time for Midnight Mass,” Emily whispered shivering despite the warmth of Nikolas next to her. “Has the doctor.....”

Nikolas shook his head. “Mrs. Buchanan, Joey, and Kevin are still in there with her.” He brushed a hair out of her face. “I’m sure they’d let you see her if you asked.”

Emily hesitated. “I know. It’s just....”

“Just what Em?”

“I don’t want to say goodbye to her. I don’t want to let her go.”

Nikolas sighed softly, praying that he would find the right words to help her. “I know this is hard. I know how much she means to you. I won’t pressure you or force you but....” His voice trailed off. “The hardest thing about losing Lucky was that we never got to say goodbye.” He wiped a tear from her cheek. “I think it would help you if you said good-bye to Jessica. I think if you don’t you’ll regret it after.....”

“Come with me.”

“Always.”

Emily turned towards Will, who’s hard gaze was focused on the scene outside the window. Emily started to say something, bit her lip when she realized there was nothing she could say, and turned to walk softly towards the door to Jessica’s room.

With Nikolas standing behind her, she gently knocked on the door and opened it. She almost turned and ran when she saw Jess’s body lying on the bed, pale and lifeless and hooked up to so many machines that Emily wondered where the machines stopped and Jessica began. By her side, holding her hand, sat Jessica’s mother in a silent, prayer filled vigil

If Emily closed her eyes and imagined she could see herself sitting by her mother’s bedside as her mother slipped away.

She started to shake when she felt Nikolas’s arms go around her, holding her up and giving her his strength.

“I’m sorry to intrude,” Emily began but Vicki stopped her.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Vicki said softly. “You know that as far as we are concerned you are family and I know how much you loved, love, Jessica. My daughter’s life, our lives, are richer in so many ways because of your friendship Emily. Whatever happens, I will always be grateful that Jessica had a friend like you.”

Emily bit back her tears and nodded. Vicki stood and gestured for Emily to take her place. Emily shook her head in silent protest. “Please, “ Vicki’s voice was tremulous. “Kevin, Joey, and I are going to light a candle for Jessica at mass. It would make me feel so much better to know that she wasn’t alone while we were gone.”

Emily looked up at Kevin and Joey, who nodded.

“I...” Emily gave in to her tears and found herself wrapped in Vicki’s embrace for a moment before she backed away. “I would be glad to stay with Jess.”

“Thank you.” Vicki Buchanan whispered.

Emily turned to Joey. “Keep the faith little one.” Joey reached over to hug her.

“I will.” Emily said. She turned to Kevin. “Of all nights, this is the one where miracles happen.”

“I hope so Em.” Kevin Buchanan looked at the young girl who had been his sister’s best friend for years. He tried to share her faith, but he knew that some prayers were never answered.

Emily sat heavily in the chair next to Jessica as she watched the Buchanan clan leave the room. “What will they do if she dies?”

“The same thing all families do, pull together and be there for each other.” Nikolas said softly. He put his hands on her shoulders. “Do you want to be alone with Jessica?”

Emily shook her head. “It’s okay. She knows I love you. She knew it before I did.” Emily reached over and picked up Jessica’s hand. “I could fool myself but I never could fool you. You always saw right through me and with just one look you made me see what I was doing. Every time I needed you, you were there. When I was stupid enough to get hooked on drugs, you never judged me or made me feel worse, but you never let me off the hook either. Every time I started to blame Matt or Dorman or the Quartermaines for my addiction you reminded me that I was the one taking the drugs. Not them. God, Jess...if you hadn’t been there for me to talk to at 3 AM in the morning, I would have been lost. I had no one else. Everybody else was too busy with their own lives to notice how badly I was screwing up my own. But you noticed. You were all the way here in Llanview but you knew something was wrong. I never thanked you for that.”

“And then remember when I found Nikolas with Katherine.” Standing behind her, Nikolas winced. Some things he had a feeling he would be paying for until the day he died. Katherine was one of them. “I wanted to die or disappear. I just wanted to vanish, to stop feeling anything forever. But you wouldn’t let me. You kept bugging me to come to Llanfair and when I didn’t, you had Joey and Kevin show up in Port Charles and kidnap me. You know you were lucky Jason didn’t shoot first and ask questions later. Who knew that Jason and Kevin would bond over sharing stories about how much trouble little sisters could be? I don’t know, maybe you did. You always knew everything.”

“I’m supposed to say goodbye to you, but I don’t know how to do that. We never did before. Remember the last day of camp when we first met, I started to say goodbye but you wouldn’t let me because you insisted that best friends never said goodbye and that we were going to be best friends forever. I’m going to hold you to that Jessica. I’m not going to say goodbye and you are going to be my best friend forever.”

Emily reached over and softly kissed Jessica on the forehead. “I love you Jess. Please come back to us. We need you.” Tears blinding her, Emily turned to find Nikolas right where she needed him to be and let herself collapse against his strength.

They were sitting in silence by Jess’s bedside when Will entered a few minutes later. Emily immediately stood up and relinquished her spot by Jess to Will, briefly reaching out to hug him as she did so.

Will looked at Jessica, beautiful despite the unnatural pallor to her skin and the eerie stillness of her form beneath the tubes and machines. He touched her cheek with the palm of his hand and winced at the coldness of her skin to his touch.

It was like she was already gone.

His mind recoiled from that thought as a shudder passed through him. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up at Nikolas.

“It will be okay.” Nikolas said simply, wondering if the words sounded as hollow to Will as they did to him.

“She’s so pale.”

“But she’s alive Will,” Emily spoke up from beside him. “She’s alive. If you listen you can hear her heart beat and you can feel her breathe. She’s there. Under all those machines and gadgets the Jess we both love is there and fighting to return to us. You have to believe that for your sake and for Jessica’s.”

“Emily...” Nikolas began but Emily stopped him.

“No.” She took a deep breath and started again. “You have to talk to her Will. You have to convince her to keep fighting. You have to tell her how much you love her, how badly you need her. She has to have a reason to push against that pain and you are her reason. Don’t say goodbye to her yet. Don’t give up on her yet. She’s not dead. Don’t give her permission to die.”

“Emily...” Nikolas’s soothing voice said her name softly as he pulled her close to him, letting her lean against his solid strength. “Let’s you and I get out of here for a few moments and give Will some privacy.”

Emily stared silently into Nikolas’s eyes, saw the concern for her reflected in his eyes, and nodded, taking a deep breath to steady herself. She turned to Will and gave him a soft kiss on his cheek, before touching her hands to her lips, and then to Jessica’s forehead. “Best friends forever Jess, remember that, okay?”

Nikolas stopped and looked at Will. “We’ll be back in a little while. Is there anything I can do for you?”

Will started to say no and then nodded. “Keep my dad out, okay? I know he’s worried about me but I really want to be alone with Jessica.”

Nikolas nodded, the look in his friend’s eyes made him tighten his grip on Emily even further.

Without another word, Nikolas and Emily left the room.

Will waited until they had left and the room was quiet, before reaching over and picking up Jessica’s lifeless hand. “I pray to God that Emily is right. That you are here underneath all of this, fighting as hard to get back to us as we are to keep you. “ He expelled a slow breath. “I keep thinking back to what I said to you today. I was so hurt that all I wanted to do was hurt you. And I did. I lashed out at you, said things that I didn’t mean. It kills me to think that those might be the last words you hear me say. So I hope you can hear me now.”

“I love you Jessica Buchanan. You are the most important thing in my life. Hell, you are my life. What I feel for you, I don’t know if I can describe it. It seems like all I can do is feel it. I feel it when you walk into a room and your smile suddenly makes everything a little bit brighter. I feel it when I touch you and the electricity sends this shock wave through me. I know its kind of pathetic, but God Jess I love you so much that just thinking of you gives my world this foundation that makes everything else in my life possible.”

“I used to think I fell in love with you when you were pregnant. Sitting here with the possibility of losing you staring me right in the face I know I was wrong. It’s been love all along, from the moment I first saw the sweetness in your smile. I just didn’t want to admit it for the longest time because I knew that I wasn’t good enough for you. I was too jaded and too cynical. I’d played the role of the Playboy for so long that I didn’t know how to react to someone, something, as real and genuine as my feelings for you. So I hid behind a facade and I played at being your friend. But that night, beneath the alcohol and the pain, there was love too. There was love in the way I touched you and I know, I know, there was love in the way you responded to my touch.”

“You could have hated me for that night. Maybe you should have hated me for that night. But you never did. All along all you did was offer me unconditional friendship. And all I wanted was your love. But you said your heart belonged to Christian so I waited. I waited for you to look at me with love in your eyes. I waited for you to say my name with the same kind of desire that was in my voice when I whispered yours in my dream. I waited for you to know what I knew, that we are and always were part of each other. It never occurred to me, not really, that I could be this deeply in love alone.”

“And I’m not. I know that now just like I knew it all along. You can’t back out on me now Jessica. You can’t take the words back or pretend you never said them. You love me. Not Christian. Never Christian. Okay once Christian but that was a kind of puppy love that died a long time ago. If you wake up,” he hesitated. “When you wake up. I’m going to remind you of what you told me and you and I are going to finally sit down and talk. I’m going to tell you how I feel and then I’m going to listen to you tell me how you feel. And while we are at it, we are going to talk about Megan. I can’t forgive you for killing our daughter because you didn’t. It was an accident. A horrible tragic accident. You were the one who told me that when I wanted nothing more than to hurt Dorian like I was hurting. Accidents happen. All we can do is cope with them, we can’t control them.”

He watched the pattern of her monitors for a while, listened to the rhythm of the machines beeping. “If you wake up, I promise that I won’t let anything, not Christian or your fears or your misplaced guilt or my stupid pride, keep us apart. I love you. Whatever happens tonight, I will always love you. Always. Just like you will always love me.”

He knows that his voice is breaking and he can feel the tears overwhelming him. Can she hear him? “If I lose you, then I lose everything. Don’t leave me. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Not ever.”

There is no answer to his pleas except the continuing stillness of the night mingling with the steady beat of the machines keeping Jessica Buchanan alive.

Outside the hospital

“You’re cold,” Nikolas says as he watches Emily shiver in the midnight air.

“I need the cold,” she says softly as she stops to stare at a display of Christmas decorations in a darkened store window. “It keeps me from feeling numb. From going numb.”

“Em...”

“Why is this happening? Why Jess?” She gestures towards the Christmas lights adorning each shop window, the greenery hanging from the street lamps, and the sound of midnight carolers from a nearby church. “How can the world be celebrating Christmas? Doesn’t it know that its losing so much? That I’m losing so much? Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating love and peace and family. Jessica is dying. Lucky is dead. AJ and Jason are at war with each other. Alan and Monica might be divorced by the time I get back to Port Charles. What is there to celebrate? “ She walks briskly down the street, lost in the darkness of her own thoughts. “Give me one good reason to be happy.”

“Easy,” Nikolas said as he reached out and stopped her, pulling her into his embrace, and placing his lips firmly on hers. After a moment he pulled back. “Are you sure you want me to stop at just one reason,” he murmured huskily.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered softly from the safety of his embrace. “I didn’t mean that I wasn’t happy that we were together or anything like that.”

“I know. But don’t you see? Jessica’s accident should teach us that we shouldn’t wait until Christmas to celebrate things like love and family. Everyday we are with the people we love we should celebrate that day because God alone knows how many of those days we have left.”

As they walked down the city sidewalks, Emily grew silent as she relaxed in the tranquil beauty of the city at midnight and the quiet company of the young man beside her. They found a small but well lit grassy park Nikolas led Emily to a bench at the edge of the park.

Sighing softly, Emily leaned back against Nik’s chest and stared at the crystalline sky.

“Nikolas do you believe in heaven?”

“I have you in my arms, don’t I?”

“Nikolas! I’m serious.”

“I am too. When I’m with you, I believe in all kinds of things again.”

“Oh.....”

“Em?”

“Do you think Lucky is in heaven watching us?”

“If he’s not watching over Liz and Lulu, yeah. He’s probably wondering what took me so long to realize how important you are to me.” A pause. “Why?”

“I was just hoping....”

“Hoping what?”

“That when Jessica shows up in heaven Lucky will send her back.”

Nikolas’s heart broke at the pain in her voice. He said not a word though, because there was not a word that he could say. All he could do was hold her and pray to God that that was enough.

There was a light, a bright light that beckoned her like a jewel in the sunlight. Jessica paused, feeling a tug on her that slowed her feet down even as she made her way to the light, to its warmth that was somehow cleansing and warming at the same time.

She turned to look behind her, but all she could see was darkened shadows. All she could feel was pain. It was like all there was waiting for her back there was pain.

She knew that the light would take away her pain. She took a step further away from the shadows determined to reach the light that beckoned.

“There’s more back there than pain.” A voice said softly beside her and Jessica turned around to see a small child with dark hair and bright blue eyes looking up at her. “Why do you only see the pain?” There was real puzzlement in the child’s voice and Jessica frowned, trying to form the words so that she herself would understand.

“Because its what you feel the deepest. What lasts the longest.” She paused, in this place even thinking of the past seemed somehow wrong.

“Please,” The little girl said softly. “Help me to understand.”

“I don’t know if I understand myself. I just know that pain is what we remember the most about our lives. And that makes us afraid of feeling more pain.”

“Is that what you remember the most about me? The pain?”

Jessica looked down at the child, then bent softly so that she was eye to eye with the small figure. Tears glimmered in the child’s eyes. Funny, she had never realized before that angels could cry. “Megan?” She asked softly even as she knew deep inside that this little soul, this child, was hers.

The child stared up at her with a look that was so much like Will’s that Jessica flinched. “I thought you loved me. I remember you saying that to me over and over.”

“I did. I do.”

“Then why do I bring you so much pain? Why can’t you remember the love I brought you?”

Jessica hesitated. How do you explain grief to a child? “I did love you. But then I lost you and all I could feel was the pain of losing you, not the joy of loving you.”

“You didn’t lose me. Not forever. Not really. No one is ever lost that was once loved. I’ve been with you always and I will always be with you. But all I seem to do is bring you pain.”

“No. Oh no Megan. You brought me love. So much love. I loved you in ways I never knew I was capable of. You brought me joy and laughter and happiness. In a strange way you brought me Will.” Jessica’s eyes lowered. “And its my fault that you are dead.”

“It isn’t. It isn’t your fault or Dorian’s fault or anybody’s fault. It just is. That’s all. It is as it should be.”

“You’re right. It is at it should be. We are together now, just like we should have been the day you were born.” Jessica turned towards the light. “We can be together always.”

“Will you still feel so much pain?”

“Not when I’m with you.”

Megan nodded. “Then come with me.”

As Megan led her mother to the light, Jessica could feel an ache inside her that seemed to flow through her and into her. She paused. “Will?”

“Daddy’s in pain too,” Megan said softly.

“I have to help him.”

“The only way to help him is to face your own pain. If you go back, the pain will return. All of it.”

“I....” Jessica hesitated as she felt Will’s pain. “I love him.”

“I know. Your love made me.”

“I can’t leave him alone. But I can’t leave you again either.”

“You won’t. I’m never ever going to really leave you. As long as you keep me in your heart I’ll be there. Always.”

“I’m scared.”

“Don’t be. Life can be painful but love makes up for many things.” Megan’s eyes shone. “If you shut yourself off from the pain you also shut yourself off from the love that can help you make it past the pain.”

“How did you get so wise?”

“Genetics?”

Jessica knelt before her daughter once more. “I’m sorry I never got the chance to know you.”

“You will. Someday when the time is right.” Megan smiled. “I told them that you would want to stay with Daddy. I told them how much you loved him. But they said it had to be your choice.”

Jessica sighed. “It won’t be easy.”

“Daddy will make it worth it.” She turned as if in response to a voice only she could hear. “If you want to go back, it has to be now. Your body is dying without your spirit to keep it going.”

Jessica turned to look back at the light one more time.

“It will be here when you come back. I will be here when you come back.”

Jessica nodded as she found herself taking a few steps away from the light.

“Mommy!”

Jessica turned, her eyes filling with tears as she heard her child call her Mommy.

The little girl looked solemn as she stood there. “The joy and laughter and happiness I brought you? It’s still there. All you have to do is let go of the guilt and the pain and it will come back to you. I promise.” She smiled. “The love remains long after the pain is forgotten.”

And with her daughter’s smile burning bright in her consciousness, Jessica turned back to that shadowy world once again.

It was past one in the morning when Nikolas and Emily returned to the hospital. Emily was more than half asleep on her feet and the half that was awake was only awake due to a combination of grief, fear, and three cups of coffee from an all night diner they had found.

As they reached the corridor outside of Jessica’s room, they noticed that the family was back en masse. Sam Rappaport looked up as the two of them approached.

“Will is still in there,” he ran his hands nervously through his white hair. “There’s been no change and I’m worried sick over Will...”

“It’s okay,” Nikolas said softly. “Emily and I will go see if he’s okay.”

“Thank you.” Sam said with a relieved sigh, knowing that if anyone could get Will to take a break from his vigil for at least a short while it would be Nikolas.

Emily and Nikolas entered Jessica’s room quietly although Will seemed to be lost in his very own world as he sat there in silence.

“Will?” Nikolas approached him softly. “You look like hell old friend. Why don’t the two of us go see if we can find something half way edible in one of those snack machines I saw down the hall? I’ll even splurge and buy you something.”

Will shook his head. “I can’t leave her. I have this feeling that if I leave her she’ll slip away from me.”

“I’ll stay with her. Her family is in the hallway. She’s surrounded by people who love her. Individually none of us love her as much as you do, but collectively we come pretty close.” Emily said softly.

Will hesitated.

“Please. When Jessica wakes up she’s going to need you there, not collapsed from exhaustion.”

“I...” Whatever arguments Will might have offered were lost as the figure on the bed stirred, her eyes fluttering back and forth. Immediately, Nikolas left to get a doctor leaving Emily and Will to stare at each other in fear and disbelief. Was Jessica coming back to them or leaving them for good?

Will reached for her hand and held it as he leaned close to her.

“Jessica? Jess?” He entreated, but while her eyes flickered for a moment, she didn’t show any other response.

Emily sat on the other side of Jessica. “Come on Buchanan. Wake up.”

A flicker again.

“Jess? I love you. We love you. Open your eyes please. For me Jess? Please?”

Jessica’s eyes fluttered again but this time they remained open long enough to focus. She smiled weakly at her best friend and the man she loved.

“That’s it Buchanan.” Emily smiled in relief as the rest of Jessica’s family entered. “I was afraid you were going to make me return all those Christmas presents.”

“I got the one Christmas present I wanted already,” Jessica said weakly, the words labored as she struggled to stay awake. She looked up at Will. “A second chance with you.” Jessica’s words slurred as her body’s need to sleep overcame her. “And I got to meet our daughter.”

“Our daughter?” Will asked puzzled but Jessica had fallen asleep. He’d ask her later what she meant, he decided. His eyes met Emily’s across the bed. “She’s going to be all right.”

Emily’s smile reflected the pure joy of the moment. “She’s going to be more than all right. She’s going to be deliriously happy.” She felt Nikolas’s arms circle around her waist and saw the beaming faces on a family she held close to her heart. “Merry Christmas.” She whispered to everyone and no one in particular.

Nikolas heard her though and bent forward to whisper in her ear. “And the happiest of New Year’s.”

Looking at Jessica sleeping peacefully, the color already returning to her cheeks, Will parked solidly by her side like he belonged there, which he did, and feeling the love and protectiveness emanating from Nikolas, Emily knew without a doubt that that was exactly what it would be.

Coming next: The final chapter--New Year’s Eve.