Chapter 22: When a door shuts......

London, England

One week later

Elizabeth Webber Stanton stood outside the London townhouse and took a deep breath, expelling it slowly as she tried to gather her courage for whatever was going to come next.

"You okay?" The gentle voice, tinged with concern for her, made her smile even as she reached out her hand to hold his. She loved this man. No matter what happened in that townhouse, nothing could change that. Nothing.

"I'm fine as long as you're here."

"Then you'll always be fine because I don't plan on going anywhere," Drew Stanton whispered huskily as the open desire in his eyes brought a blush to his bride's cheeks.

"Okay, then. Let's go." Elizabeth whispered as she began to take the stairs to the door.

It opened before she got there and she smiled.

"Emily." Briefly stepping away from Drew, Liz hugged her friend. "I've missed you."

"You're on your honeymoon," Emily admonished with a smile. "You're not supposed to miss anyone."

Liz studied her friend carefully. They hadn't always been close over the years as their lives had veered into different directions, Liz's towards an art degree from NYU and Emily's towards..... Liz didn't want to think about what Emily's life had led her to since high school. "You look ...like hell."

"I've been better," Emily replied running her fingers through her hair distractedly. She didn't bother to tell Liz that she'd spent the better part of the last week nursing a very malnourished and feverish Lucky. "I've also been worse."

Liz hesitated. "I was sorry to hear about..."

Emily cut her off. "Yeah. I know."

She opened the door and Liz and her husband entered cautiously. Emily paused, nervously. "I guess I'll go let them know you're here. You can wait here, the housekeeper will bring you something to eat if you're hungry."

"Thanks but ..." Liz began but Em had disappeared through an oak doorway at the same time that another door opened.

"Emily do you know where...." Lucky stopped as he realized that someone other than Emily was in the room. Almost automatically he paled and he felt a little unsteady as he reached for the back of a chair to steady himself.

Liz moved forward. "Emily told me you were alive when she called but I still don't believe it." Her finger traced the line of his cheek. "You're alive."

Lucky stared back at her, remembering a time when he had loved her more than life itself.

"More or less." His voice was husky and uneven.

Liz stepped back to look him over, her artist's eye noting the extreme pallor of his skin and the skin stretched taut over the too thin body. Five years. According to what little Emily had told her on the phone, Lucky had been held a prisoner for five years. What had those five years done to him?

"I'm going to go find the housekeeper," Drew spoke up as he caught Liz's eye. "I'll be right back."

Liz nodded.

"He seems like a nice guy," Lucky said.

"The best," Liz smiled.

"Emily told me the wedding was beautiful." Lucky paused. "I wish I could have been there. I would have wanted to have been a part of something that made you so happy."

"You were there, Lucky. Just like you were there when I graduated high school and there when I got accepted to NYU. You were there when I had my first showing in the student gallery. You are in my heart Lucky and there hasn't been a moment in the last five years when you haven't been a part of my life." Liz finished softly. "I just wish....that things had been different. Maybe if we had looked harder into the fire then...."

"Don't," Lucky cut her off. "Don't play that game. Don't start thinking "what if" because it will drive you crazy. All we can do is play the cards as we're dealt them. Looking back, living in the past that doesn't work." Lucky's voice dropped a little. "I'm not the boy you fell in love with anymore and you're not that girl anymore. We can't go back and we probably really wouldn't want to if we could. Look at you. You're still as beautiful, that hasn't changed, but you're more confident, more self-assured. You're not afraid of the dark anymore. He's done that for you. He's made you happy."

"I love him."

"I'm glad." Lucky smiled. "All I ever wanted was for you to be happy."

Liz blinked back the tears. "I loved you so much Lucky. I still do."

"I know. Just as I will always love you. But the difference is that you're not in love with me anymore." A pause. "And I'm not in love with you. Five years is a long time Elizabeth."

She nodded. "I guess I should see if they're ready for me." She turned to go and then stopped, turning back to Lucky. "I want you to know that it wasn't easy. I didn't let go of you, of us, of the dreams that we had without a fight. After you....left, I fell apart you know. There was so much pain and it went so deep that for a long time I thought that the pain would be all I ever had. All I would ever know." She blinked back the tears that threatened. "The funny thing is that even when you don't want it to, life has a way of going on regardless. Each day it got not easier but more bearable, until one day I looked around and realized that the sun was still warm and the breeze was still cool and I was still alive. You were gone, "we" were gone, but I was still there so I had to figure out how to make it without you."

"Then you met Drew?"

"No." Liz looked up at Lucky, her words soft. "Then I met me. Elizabeth Webber. I got to know her real well after you were gone and I learned that I liked her. I liked her a lot. She had dreams and goals and things she wanted." She hesitated. "Please don't take this wrong, but when we were together we were so young.....it was like some kind of fantasy. Our love was so intense, it burned like this huge fire and what I realized after you were gone was that somehow that fire had consumed me. I had no identity of my own, I was just the second half of the couple we were. When you were gone, that changed. It was quite a revelation." Another pause. "After a while I went to NYU to study art and I met Drew. I never thought I would fall in love with him. Never thought I could love anyone besides you. But I did. It didn't happen overnight. At first we were just friends. He made me smile. And then he made me laugh. And one day I looked at him and realized that I didn't want to ever be apart from him." She smiled at Lucky. "Crazy, huh?"

"Not at all." A half-smile. "It sounds blessedly normal."

"Normal." Another pause. "That's one thing we never were. There was the rape and then your parents and then deciding to go to New York. We were living this intense and serious relationship when most kids our age were going to dances and double dating at the movies." A sigh. "We were so young. Maybe too young. I mean neither of us had a high school diploma and we were going to go live in New York on our own? The fantasy was nice but I guess I'll always wonder how well it would have stacked up against reality." A glance. "Do you think that if there hadn't been the fire, that we would have made it?"

"Maybe. Or maybe after a few years we would have ended up driving each other crazy. Even people as much in love as we were grow apart sometimes. Look at my mom and dad, they were in love, maybe are still in love, but what they want out of life now almost puts them in two different worlds sometimes. I don't know." He finished softly.

"I guess we'll never know."

Her words hung gently on the air for a moment. Then she turned and walked a few feet towards the door.

"Lucky?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry about Nikolas."

"So am I Elizabeth. So am I."

Lucky heard the door softly close as he walked over to the window overlooking the garden behind the town home. They'd been here a week and he still hadn't grown accustomed to his freedom. The idea that he could walk out of this room without being stopped. The soft cushions of the chair instead of the cold cement floor. Eating real food instead of scraps.

Five years. The first few with Faison hadn't been that bad in comparison to what he had had to endure in that damned compound. It had been bad enough to live in that cell with only that small window for light but Dimitri Kosokov had been a bastard through and through. Lucky's fist clenched as he thought of the times that he had been dragged from his cell to Kosokov's quarters and....

He stopped himself. It was done. It was over. He glanced at his watch. 30 minutes before his next session with Kevin. Funny how things had played out over the last week. Their escape from the compound had been a narrow one, if it hadn't been for those other men showing up as they drove the jeep to the rendezvous point....Lucky didn't want to think about that too closely. Still, he'd been shocked when their helicopter had made it to Switzerland and they'd met up with Mac Scorpio. A very different Mac Scorpio than the mostly ineffective Police Commissioner that Lucky remembered. He'd arrange for them to stay in this safe house in London. He'd flown Kevin Collins to England to help with Lucky's readjustment. He'd spoken to Luke and Laura to let them know that Lucky had been found, but that they needed to give him some time to readjust. How Mac had managed to convince his parents to stay away, he wasn't sure. He was just glad that they had. He loved them, but he didn't think he could cope with them at this moment.

Lucky hadn't wanted to see Kevin. The first few days Kevin was here he'd ignored him and

considering that he had spent most of those days in bed and hooked up to IV's that hadn't been easy.

Then one night Lucky had had another nightmare, he'd woken up screaming and Emily had been there, just like she had been there every other time. Only this time she had been crying. And that was when Lucky knew that he had to at least let Kevin try to help him because Emily was beginning to own his pain too and she had too much pain in her life already between her getting addicted again, losing AJ, her suicide attempt, and then Nikolas....

Lucky felt the sharp stab of grief return. Nikolas was dead. The brother he was just beginning to know was gone. There were so many things he wished he could have said to Nikolas. So many things they should have had the chance to do together.

His brother was dead.

Lucky glanced back at the door that Elizabeth had walked through. Everything he'd said to her was true. Somehow in the course of everything that he had had to endure, he'd let go of Elizabeth. He thought seeing her again would hurt, and in a small way it had, but in a larger way it had been a relief to see that she was happy. Their talk had been good. It had been good to close the door on that chapter of his life and to start to think about the future.

He smiled. The future. For the first time in too damned long he had a future.

The thought scared him. The thought thrilled him.

He watched through the window as Emily made her way through the garden and he began to wonder what and who that future would include.

The garden

Emily walked to the gazebo, enjoying the fragrant scent of the roses that reminded her of home and the Quartermaine mansion. She sighed. She was going to have to start thinking about what she would do next. The gatehouse was out of the question...she couldn't walk up that path every day and not see Nikolas lying there with the blood seeping out of him....she shivered, the warmth of the day momentarily gone.

She hoped his memorial service had been all that he deserved. She imagined Stefan had talked about how Nikolas had been the Cassadine. The prince. She wished that she could have been there to tell the world about the Nikolas who had just been her lover and then her friend. The Nikolas who had hurt her so badly but then had saved her life in the end. Just as she had gotten her friend back, he had been taken from her.

All because a madman saw her picture in a magazine.

Still....the strangest twist of all was that Nikolas's death, her kidnapping, had led them to Lucky. God had taken Nikolas but he had given them back Lucky. She knew it was wrong, to think of it like that. She knew that you couldn't exchange people like that. Lucky couldn't replace Nikolas. Still, was it so terrible of her to take such fierce pleasure in Lucky's return at the same time as she was mourning Nikolas.

Maybe she should be the one seeing Kevin. She knew she would have to see someone at some point. Her nightmares, although not as bad as Lucky's, were still enough to keep her awake most of the night and leave her with dark circles under her eyes.

And she hadn't even began to deal with the reason her life was in turmoil.

She stopped as she saw him in the Gazebo.

His gaze fed on her hungrily for a brief second before he tore it away.

She hesitated. "I guess I'll go back in the house..."

"No." He almost seemed to need to steady himself. "I mean I'll go back. Scorpio wants to talk to me anyway."

He started to brush past her.

"Jagger wait."

He stopped and Emily found herself staring straight into his beautiful eyes.

"Emily this isn't a good idea...." Jagger began even as he found himself moving closer to her.

Emily ignored his last statement. "Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not..."he began but she cut him off.

"You are. Every time I go into a room you go out. When we are together you barely talk to

me."

"I've been busy. There have been a lot of loose ends to tie up. And then with Sarah..."he broke off. "It hasn't been easy."

"I know."

"And you've had your hands full helping Spencer." He couldn't keep the jealousy out of his voice.

"Lucky's my friend and he needed me."

He isn't the only one, Jagger thought. "Like I said, we've both been busy."

"I love you," Emily blurted out and then stopped, shocked to hear the words come out of her mouth that way.

Jagger stood frozen.

"I didn't mean to say it like that. Actually I didn't mean to say it all." Doe like eyes locked with his. "I don't expect anything from you. I really don't. It's just, what happened at the compound and then Nikolas..... I could have been killed, you know."

Jagger paled. He knew. She would never know how many times he played that scene in his head, how many times he imagined what would have happened if he had been a second slower.

Emily didn't seem to notice his reaction as she continued. "It just made me realize that life really is too short. I could have died and you would never have known how I felt. I don't want that to happen. I don't expect you to return my feelings or anything like that, but I wanted you to know. I love you Jagger. There I said it twice so it must be real."

"Emily..." Jagger was torn between the need to push her away and the need to kiss her senseless, so he settled for staying where he was. "I'm not the right man for you. You deserve someone better."

"Maybe. I mean you are pretty stubborn and I have a feeling that your overprotective streak is even bigger than Jason's, but still...." Her voice trailed off. "All I really know is that as scared as I was in that compound, I knew you'd come for me. When I'm with you, I feel safe and protected and alive and real and loved and desired and a thousand other things that I can't even begin to name."

"Spencer rescued you. If he hadn't of gotten you out of that damned cell there is no way I would have been able to get to you." His voice lowered with bitterness. "And you're forgetting, if it wasn't for our damned mission you would never have been involved in this mess in the first place."

"You're wrong Jagger. None of what happened was your fault. I was the one Kosokov was after in the end. If you and Sarah hadn't come along with your mission, there would have been no one to stop him and God alone knows what would have happened to me."

"Emily....."

"No Jagger. You want me to be afraid of you. You want me to see you as some kind of monster that destroys lives. You want me to stop loving you. And I can't. I'm sorry if I'm a complication and you have my permission to go back to your life and forget about me..."

"I can't." The words escaped Jagger with a heavy sigh. "I can't forget about you. Every detail of you is somehow burned into me. I see you when I close my eyes. I hear your voice when I'm alone. I make love to you in my dreams." Jagger took a step back. "But I can't let myself love you. I won't. You deserve better than what I can give you. My life belongs to the Consortium. I don't know if I can get it back. I don't know if I want to get it back." He stared at her, willing her to understand. "The world I live in is a dark place filled with death and destruction. It isn't where you belong."

"I belong with you."

"No. You belong someplace where your light can shine."

"Jagger..." Emily placed a soft hand on his shoulder. "You make it sound like my life before you has been nothing but sunshine and roses."

"It should have been."

"But it wasn't. I'm not afraid of the dark and I grew up in a mine field so I'm not afraid of a little destruction." Gathering her courage, she reached up and kissed him gently on the cheek and then softly on his lips, smiling at his sharply drawn breath. "What you are forgetting is that even the coldest darkness falls away when you light a single candle. You are that candle for me. You are my light. You are my warmth. And if you leave me everything will go be dark."

"Emily," Almost against his will Jagger reached out and gently massaged her cheek. "You know I'm right. I kill people Em. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at. Sometimes they deserve to die but sometimes they're just innocent people caught up in things they don't understand. There is so much blood on my hands."

"You can leave them. We'll go someplace where they can't find you."

"Do you really think such a place exists? If it did, what kind of life would that be for you away from your family and friends."

"I wouldn't care."

"I would." Jagger hesitated. "Plus I'm not sure I could walk away from this even if I wanted to. I spent so much time as a cop watching the bad guys win and the good guys lose. Drug dealers out on technicalities. Mobsters released because the witnesses set to testify suddenly turned up dead. Child molesters allowed back on the street to hurt more children. Our system of justice...sometimes it works but most of the time it stinks. I joined the Consortium for so many reasons but one of those reasons was because I wanted to try to even the scales a little. I wanted the good guys to win once in a while, even if they had to bend the rules or even break them for that happen. I don't know if I can turn my back on it now."

"I'm not asking you to."

"But you would."

"No I wouldn't."

"You would. You'd have to. I'd be gone for weeks or even months at a time and you'd start to wonder. Is he coming back? And then when I returned you'd begin to wonder- how many people did he kill this time?" He shook his head. "It wouldn't work."

"You're creating problems before they exist."

"And you're ignoring the ones that do." His jaw clenched. "Just let it go Em. It's better this way."

"Better for who?"

"Better for both of us."

"Not for me. I don't want to lose you."

"I can't love you the way you deserve to be loved."

"No, but you can love me the way I need to be loved." Emily's words had barely revealed themselves when she reached forward and pulled Jagger into a fierce kiss, a kiss that was full of hunger and need and everything else she felt.

For one brief, glorious moment Jagger kissed her back and they were both lost in the maelstrom they created until Jagger pushed her away.

"This is wrong Em. You should leave."

"Jagger please."

"Emily...."

Emily closed her eyes briefly and then opened them again. She nodded sadly. "All right. I'm not going to beg you to love me." She took a step away from him before she turned. "I won't stop loving you."

"I know that."

"You do love me don't you?"

Jagger reached for her and then stopped himself, his hand dropping to his side. "It's only because I love you so damned much that I can watch you walk away."

Emily laughed shakily. "The scary thing is that I understood all that."

"Jagger?"

"Yeah."

"Take care of yourself please."

"You too." Jagger whispered as he watched her head back to the house.

When he was sure that she was gone, Jagger turned and slammed his closed fist against the

wooden wall of the gazebo.

"You let her go." Mac's voice carried softly on the cool breeze as he emerged from the shadows. "You love her and you let her go."

"I want her to be happy."

"She seems to think that you make her happy."

"I could also get her killed."

"You could. The work we do, sometimes it puts those we love in the center of a hurricane."

"Which is not what I want for Emily. This way she'll be free to find somebody who can give her a normal life."

"Someone like Lucky Spencer."

Jagger ignored the pain that pierced him. "Maybe."

Mac shrugged, "Somehow I think normal life and Lucky Spencer is an oxymoron." Mac lit up the cigarette he'd nimbly produced. "What if I told you there was a way out of the Consortium? Would you take it?"

Would he? Jagger stared at the path Emily had taken and let the wave of loneliness that he was feeling momentarily engulf him. The words he'd just said to Emily flashed through his mind and he knew that they hadn't been true. Faced with the pain of losing her, he knew the choice he would make if he could. "Yes."

"Good, because if you're willing to risk it all, I may have a solution for you."

Fifteen minutes later Jagger walked back to the house, his heart racing at the offer Mac had made him. One last mission. A solo mission. No back-up. No last minute rescues. A man possibly more dangerous than Kosokov and a jungle that was nearly impossible to penetrate. Odds of surviving- more than a thousand to one.

One last mission and the Consortium would release him free and clear. He'd be free to pursue the kind of life he wanted, whatever that was. And most importantly, he would be free to claim Emily. They'd have a real shot at their happily-ever-after.

That is if he lived long enough.

He contemplated for a minute running and telling Emily what Mac had offered and asking her to wait. He hesitated when he thought to himself what if I don't come back. I've already hurt Emily enough today. I can't get her hopes up about a future that might never happen.

First the mission. Then Emily.

With that decision in mind, Jagger's steps felt incredibly lighter as he made his way through the garden.

Emily shut the door behind her as she entered the townhouse. Her mind was still whirling from the scene in the gazebo.

In the space of only a few short minutes she had found love and lost it again.

What was she supposed to do now? She'd practically thrown her pride to the wind and begged Jagger to give them a chance. And he had said no. He'd let her walk away when all she wanted was to

stay.

Now what?

So caught up in her thoughts was she, that she didn't see the person waiting for her until she ran into him.

"Oh. Lucky. I'm sorry." Her voice was shaky. She took a deep breath, trying to find something to focus on other than the pain. "How was your conversation with Elizabeth?"

"It was good," Lucky began and then stopped when he caught sight of her dried tears and pale skin. "Em? Are you okay?"

Emily started to make up some kind of story and then stopped. "No. I'm not. I'm not okay."

Gently Lucky pulled her into the tight circle of his arms and as she leaned her head against him, Emily began to cry.

"Shhhh. It's okay. Whatever it is, I'll help you through it. Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it"

Her mother. Lucky. AJ. Nikolas. Now Jagger. Emily was tired of saying good-bye to the people she loved. "Don't leave me." The words were the barest of whispers but Lucky heard them clearly.

"I won't. I won't ever leave you." He vowed softly as he continued to hold her while she cried.

A room upstairs

Elizabeth closed the door gently behind her, her footsteps slowing as she entered the room. The first thing she saw was Jason, not the cool focused Jason she was used to, but a Jason who looked as if his life was falling apart and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"Jason?" Her voice was soft, hesitant.

"Liz." Jason half-smiled as he looked up. "I'm glad you're here."

"There was no place else I could be once Emily called." She took a few steps further into the room. Her gaze fell on the silent figure lying on the bed and to the row of machines hooked up to her.

"I can't believe this. Any of this." She pressed the back of her hand gently to the pale cheek. "What happened? Emily didn't give me any details. She just said Sarah was hurt and that I should be here."

"She was shot."

"Shot? How? Where are my parents?"

"Liz I think you should wait until Sarah comes out of her coma and the two of you can talk."

"You know though don't you. Come on Jason this is my sister we're talking about. My family. If something's wrong, I deserve to know." She hesitated. "Besides what if she never wakes up?"

"She will," Jason's voice is low and fierce. "She will." He finishes softly.

"I still deserve to know the truth and you know it."

Jason paused, the magnitude of Sarah's lies becoming clearer as he saw the concern and fear in Liz's eyes. Would Liz understand why Sarah had done what she had done? He hoped so because Jason knew for a fact that when Sarah came out of this coma he was going to make sure that no one hurt her again- not even Liz.

Slowly, very very slowly, he told Liz of all of it, the events in the Balkans all those years ago. He told her about her father's murder, her mother dying in the prison camp, and the brutalization of Sarah at the hands of Kosokov and his troops. As he told her about the events of the last few weeks, he was careful to keep out of it any mention of Sarah's involvement with the Consortium or what Sarah had spent the years since her parent's death doing.

There were, after all, some things Liz didn't need to know.

Afterwards, Liz sat back staggered. "My parents are dead." Strangely she didn't feel as much sadness as she did regret, she had never been that close to her parents and now she never would be. "I can't believe this. All these years. The postcards I got. The letters. They weren't real."

"She didn't want you to know."

"They were my parents. I should have been told." Jason said nothing as she continued. "And Sarah, I can't believe what she went through. I should have been there to help her through it like she was there to help me." She shook her head. "I can't believe that she did this."

"Do you hate her?"

"What?" Liz replied sharply. "Of course I don't hate her. I wish she had told me. I think she should have told me. But I don't hate her. I'm just ....confused."

Jason nodded. "She is too."

"Oh God Jason think of how much pain she was in all this time. There I was going to NYU, falling in love, living out my fantasies and Sarah was.... She must really hate me."

"No. She loves you. That was why it was so important to her that you be happy." He paused. "She was at your wedding."

Elizabeth looked at him wide-eyed. "She was?"

"Yeah."

Elizabeth took a deep breath and expelled it slowly. "I'm glad." She looked at Sarah. "What are her chances?"

"They don't know. The bullet did a lot of damage and she lost a lot of blood. They almost lost her several times." He shifted. "They don't know what caused her to slip into a coma, but they do know that the longer she's in the coma the less likely she'll come out of it."

Elizabeth nodded, staring at her sister. "Maybe she's hiding."

"Hiding?"

"Yeah. Maybe she's afraid to wake up and face the pain all over again." Elizabeth shrugged. "But then again, what do I know." She stood up. "Look, I'm feeling this intense need right now to be held by my husband so I'm going to go find Drew and let him know what's happening. I will be back."

She stopped. "And Jason."

"Yeah."

"I'm glad my sister has you."

Jason watched as Elizabeth departed before turning back to the comatose Sarah with a rueful grin. "It's that obvious huh?" He supposed his feelings weren't a secret to anyone in the house since he had barely left Sarah's bedside since they had arrived, except for the few times that the doctors had kicked him out and the one time Jagger had managed to knock him out with a small tranquilizer so that he would finally break down and get some sleep. He sighed. With Jagger's help, he'd had Michael released and the boy was staying with the Quartermaines for the moment. Jason had talked to him on the phone and the boy had sounded happy, although Jason had winced when he'd asked for his mother. Michael didn't seem to remember Carly's murder or his own abduction and Jason wasn't sure whether to be worried about that or grateful for it. Jagger had offered to return Carly's body but Jason had delayed that believing he should tell Bobbie and Sonny the truth about what happened to Carly in person. When he knew Sarah was going to be all right, he would fly back to Port Charles and deal with the rest. As for letting Michael stay with the Quartermaines, the last few weeks had shown Jason that he had a lot to make amends for. The way he had turned his back on Emily when she had needed him the most. His treatment of Carly. And what he had done to AJ. Carly and AJ were both dead, but he could begin to make up for the past by making sure the future was better. The Quartermaines were as screwed up as ever, but they were Michael's family.

And in a strange twisted way, his too.

His eyes focused on Sarah. He didn't know what would happen when she woke up, he only knew that he wasn't going to lose her. If she stayed with the Consortium, he could handle that considering what he did for a living himself. If she wanted to leave, he'd help her do that no matter what the cost to himself. In Jason's opinion the Consortium had manipulated a young girl's grief and anger to turn her into a killing machine. He didn't like Sarah's connection to them, but he could handle it if she could.

He just wanted her with him.

He watched her again. Could Elizabeth have been right? Could she be hiding? He leaned over and kissed her forehead gently. "There's nothing to be afraid of Sarah. I'm here."

Somewhere

Sarah sat by the stream the frolicked gently through the sunlit clearing, listening to the soothing rhythm of the water as it traveled.

She smiled as the warmth of the day made her muscles feel relaxed and her body at peace.

Here in this moment there was just this moment. No future. No past. Just now.

And she was content.

She ignored the teeny nagging at the back of her mind that reminded her that she wasn't happy. She didn't need happiness. She had peace and contentment. It was all that she wanted.

"You don't believe that do you sweetheart?" A gentle voice whispered and Sarah looked up.

"Mom?"

"Yes, Sarah. But I'm not alone. Look around you."

Sarah did and she noticed for the first time that she wasn't alone in the meadow. "Dad? Granddad? Grandma? You're all here."

"We've always been here Sarah." Her mother moved closer. Her hair was soft and clean, her face happy. She looked like the mother Sarah remembered from her childhood, not the woman who had been in that prison with her. "We've always been with you."

"Am I dead?"

Her father laughed and Sarah smiled. "Do you feel dead?"

"No...but I feel different. Buoyant. Like I could fly or at least float."

Her grandfather sat next to her. "Do you know why you feel different, Sarah? What's missing?" Steve Hardy asked softly as he looked at his granddaughter.

Sarah closed her eyes and thought. When she opened her eyes, they shone. "It's gone. All of its gone."

"What's gone?"

"The pain. The guilt. All of it. I can remember what happened. I remember your dying. I remember what Kosokov did to me. But it doesn't hurt." She smiled. "I'm free."

"Oh no, Sarah you're not free." Her mother looked sad and Sarah frowned. "You should be happy for me." Sarah remarked confused.

"Oh, I am." Her mother reached over and took Sarah in her arms as if she was still a small child. "I am. If this is what you want," her hands gestured towards the beautiful meadow "if this where you want to stay than I'm happy for you."

"Why wouldn't I want to stay?"

"Sarah," Her mother brushed the hair back from her forehead. "What else is missing? What else are you not feeling?"

Sarah began to shake her head in confusion and then stopped. "I don't know what you mean."

"Yes you do." Her mother sighed. "Do you remember how happy you were when we got you that puppy for Christmas when you were four?"

Sarah nodded. "His name was Snowball and....." She stopped. "No, I don't remember. I mean I remember finding him under the tree, but I don't remember what it felt like and I know I loved him but I don't remember how that felt and..." She stared at her mother in shock.

"It's simple, sweetheart. Here in this place you've cut yourself off from all of the pain and the guilt and the fear and all of the bad feelings but you've also cut yourself off from the good feelings- the love, the joy, the laughter, the happiness."

"I'm tired of hurting."

"I know. But sometimes you have to accept the bad if you want the good to happen."

"I don't need to feel anything. I'm okay just staying here."

"Sarah Webber I never thought that I'd say this but you're a coward." Audrey Hardy word's rang in the meadow.

"I'm not." Sarah exclaimed. "I'm not afraid of anything or anyone."

"Except being happy." Audrey said softly. "You're afraid of being happy because you have some foolish notion in your head that you don't deserve it." A pause. "That's not true. No one deserves to be happy more than you."

Sarah looked down at her hands. They didn't look like her hands, they were too soft and the nails too manicured to be her own. "It's my fault you were killed." She finally looked up at her parents. "Everything that happened was my fault. If I hadn't decided to stay in that village..."

"Sarah." Her father's voice was firm. "Listen to me and if you remember nothing else, remember this. What happened wasn't your fault. We should never have given you the choice. We failed you as parents and as a result you went through hell. I'm so sorry for what happened."

Sarah felt her father's hand on her shoulder as she looked up at her mother.

"I'm sorry too," Her mother whispered. "I should have been stronger. I should have been the one taking care of you in that camp and you took care of me." A pause. "We let you down Sarah, but you have never ever let us down. Not before. And not since." She hesitated. "All I want is for you to

be happy."

"I am happy here. Okay, that's not exactly true, but I'm okay here. There's too much that hurts and it hurts too much. I can't leave."

"Sarah, I love you. If I thought that all that was waiting for you was pain and unhappiness, than I would tell you to stay. But there's more waiting for you out there. There's friendship and laughter and joy and happiness. And there's Jason."

"You know about Jason?"

"You weren't listening when I told you when you were ten that mothers know everything? I know about Jason."

"Jason doesn't love me."

"Are you sure about that? Or are you just afraid to take the chance and find out?"

Sarah closed her eyes and allowed herself to remember. She remembered their first kiss, the way his lips had burned into hers. She remembered how he had held her when she had her flashback and the gentle strength in his embrace. She remembered how they had made love and how with just one touch he had made her forget for just a little while that Kosokov existed. She remembered all of these things but she couldn't feel any of the emotions Jason made her feel, not the dizzying joy or the hot anger. She felt none of it and that was when she realized the truth.

"It was worth it."

"What sweetheart?"

"All of the pain. Everything. The joy. The love. All of the good things make the bad things bearable. I don't want to feel nothing. I want to feel it all."

"Even if it hurts?"

"Even if it hurts." Sarah nodded. "I don't want to be just content. I want to be alive. Fully alive."

"All of the bad things will come back."

Sarah took a deep breath. "I know. I can handle it."

"But not alone Sarah." Her grandfather said. "Not alone. It's okay to let others help you. Your sister. Your brother. Your friends. Jason. They care about you. Don't shut them out. Let them help."

Sarah wondered if her grandfather knew what he was asking of her. She'd been alone so long.... "I will."

"I know you will."

Sarah smiled at them all. "I miss you so much."

"We love you too sweetheart."

Sarah glanced around the meadow.

"How do I go back?"

"Simple. Close your eyes and listen to your heart and let yourself feel again."

Sarah closed her eyes as she felt the rush of energy reconnecting her to her body. She could feel the physical pain overwhelm her first as her mind reconnected with thousands of nerve endings that seemed to be screaming in agony.

Then there was the emotional pain as feelings began to reattach themselves to her memories.

She opened her eyes slowly.

And found herself staring straight into Jason's blue ones.

That was when the joy returned, dulling the pain until it almost disappeared.

"Welcome back," Jason whispered softly.

Sarah nodded, her vocal cords felt thick and raspy and she realized that there were tubes down her throat and attached to her body. A look of fright must have crossed her face because Jason immediately became reassuring.

"It's okay. The bullet did some damage and you've been out of it for a while, but you're going to be okay. Let me get a doctor."

He started to get up when he felt her hand reach for his.

"Don't leave me." The words were barely recognizable but Jason didn't need to hear them, he saw them written clearly in her eyes.

"I don't intend to. Ever." He wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. "I love you Sarah Webber.

Sarah smiled. "Love you too." She'd barely managed the words when her eyelids grew heavy and she tried to fight off the need to sleep.

Jason frowned at her efforts to stay awake. "Go to sleep Sarah. I'll be here when you wake up and we'll talk then."

"Promise."

"Promise."

And Sarah Webber closed her eyes secure in the knowledge that from now on there would always be joy to counter the pain.

Always.

The End.