i feel like shit today, for some reason. good thing i have a soccer game this afternoon. fuck me.

my car is broken, i have to get a new power steering thing. i'm very happy i bought that waranty now. starting my other sleeve tomorrow! the drawing is tough as fucking nails. all day appointment, so that should be fun. i fucking hate getting tattooed. wedding this saturday to go to, so i'll be up in long island. always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

no i'm not dead.

i came home, and i had 13 messages from family and friends to see if i was ok after the saw the news about the fire in warwick. good to see people care. this last week has been hectic, just being in school and going to work, and, if you couldn't tell by my last note, meeting janis.

she's hot, she rocks, and she's not yours.

way behind on reviews. if anyone is interested in helping out on reviews, and wants a couple of free cd's, email me here (no joel, these aren't the cd's you give me.... i'm not that fucked up) have an example of previous writing included, or just explain why you would be good at reviewing.

blizzards and kisses.

i don't know how to feel. i'm so happy we met, and tonight, i miss you.

i got sprayed with pepper spray today. in the face. i don't know if you have ever gone through this, but this might have been the most painful, physical experience of my life. I wasn't getting arrested or anything..... it was for a security class i'm taking, and the lesson was to show what the effects of pepper spray has on people. so we got shot in the face. jesus christ, i can see why crowds disperse so quickly now. i couldn't breathe or see, and my face was on fire, not to mention coughing until almost throwing up. ok i'll get over it.

fuck valentine's day, all i need right now is a holiday to tell me i'm still single. there's no way in hell i'm going out tomorrow night. i won't give in to v-day. i'm going to sit right at home.. read the new book i got from the library, ("dear mr president", by gabe hudson) and drink a six pack of pabst blue ribbon.

hopefully, my other sleeve will be drawn up by saturday. oh, reviews coming this weekend: the new blender, ambrose, and some comp joel sent me that has a thursday track on it.

this is a confession

all of my good friends are girls that at one point i have slept with. i stay friends with all of my exes. and that sucks. because immediately there is an emotional bond, no matter if i don't think we should still be intimate. so automatically, if there is a disagreement, or a let down, i take it way out of proportion.

this still happens. i thought that one of my exes was coming down this week to visit, and she can't. and i'm taking that very personally. i'm not justified for feeling this way..... i just feel like i did something wrong. also this weekend i slept with one of my friends... who i had explained to that i didn't want to be involved in that kind of way. the reason i slept with her was because it has been a while since i was that close to someone, and i felt lonely and wanted to feel wanted.. at least for a little bit. i'm worried now that this will become problems in our friendship. i don't know why i don't want to have a "relationship" with this girl... i just don't see that happening. don't get me wrong, she's smart, funny, and very good looking. there just isn't that spark that i've felt before. i might be holding myself to too high of a standard.. and i might very well be once bitten twice shy.

i'm not ashamed of what happened, i enjoyed it. maybe we shouldn't of, but fuckit... we're all adults and it happened.

i guess my point is that i'm scared i will never be able to open up and feel comfortable again in a serious relationship, because i'm so guarded. but i still have the normal everyday desires to be with someone... so i have sex whenever i need that intimate contact. i'm sad to say that i honestly do not know how many girls i've slept with. even worse.. i don't even know all of their names. this kind of sex is not the same because there isn't an emotional bonding during that type of sex, and i miss that.

my real good friend derek, who is in the army reserves, just got called up to go to the gulf. i bet his wife is flipping out.

i spent all day doing homework and eating buffalo wings.... while 7 inches of snow dumped outside. my cat tyler was glued to the window.

what the fuck is going on? I'm not an answer man, and i can't solve your problems. people's worlds around me seem to be collapsing, and i haven't the slightest clue as to what i should say to them. i'm really sorry, it's not as bad as it seems, things all work out in the end..... blah blah blah.

i've just spent the last hour staring at the homework question "what are your personal goals while a student here?" Goals? fuck if i know.

i'm 24 and i feel like i'm supposed to be 16. i'd kill to just get hard-ons looking at playboys and to be happy just getting through another easy day.

don't you dare fall apart.... other people are my rock, and when you're in trouble, i'm fucked.

i'm realizing now, after spending all day reading and typing up a paper, how much school is going to be taking up a lot of my life. i went to boston last night, fun game, and didn't get lost coming back finally. i also scheduled a day to do my taxes.... how fucking productive am i?

bored at work..

what band......
Reminds you of an ex-lover: her space holiday, mike ness
Reminds you of an ex-friend: modest mouse, outkast
Makes you depressed: one line drawing, london suede
Makes you laugh: tenacious d
You never want to hear again: saliva, incubus
Sums up your teenage years: nirvana, smashing pumpkins, slayer
You want to get married to: bjork
You like to wake up to: jets to brazil
You like out of your parents record collection: the beatles, the who
You love that you wouldn't know about if it wasn't for a friend: HIM
Makes you think of someone who died: i don't know anyone that has died.
You love the video more than the tune: hurt by johnny cash
Makes you think of sex: her space holiday, lords of acid
Makes you think of being alone: bright eyes, pedro the lion
Has only been released recently but you love already: kramer's rule
Are you embarrassed to admit you like: avril
Perks you up: the decendants
Do you love to sing: i don't sing... but i'll air drum the fuck out of some danzig

i had a very nice weekend. i got taken out to dinner on friday, and i saw mike b's band play on saturday in providence. that was the highlight, because the bands that played were pretty good, and i finally got to hang out with people that are kind of like me. i've been to shows since i've been here, but i went by myself, so it was good to actually go with someone and have them introduce me to people.

i'm going to the hockey game in boston tomorrow, that should be cool. before i need to read about 80 fucking pages for school.