PLEASE READ BEFORE PROCEEDING
OrdainNet is NOT the official site of the Melbourne based band: Ordain. In no way does OrdainNet accurately represent the thoughts and opinions of Ordain. OrdainNet was/is created and maintained soley by Matt Olthof, who has no official contact with the band, excluding his position with them as the lowly bassist. Ordain accepts no responsibility for anything to do with OrdainNet, and may quite possibly approve of it’s demise. Fortunately for me, we live in a democracy, so I can say what I want. Unfortunately for me, Ordain does not operate as a democracy, and will soon be looking for a new bass player who will keep their failed attempts at humor to themselves.
The vast majority of OrdainNet should not be taken seriously. Anything that is taken seriously is the responsibility of that person only.
If OrdainNet happens to give you “boy germs,” “girl germs” or (in extreme situations) “cooties,” OrdainNet’s official statement is: “germ-lock; no returns”. This obviously invalidates any possibility of returning said ailment to OrdainNet and will stand in any court of law.
In such a situation of contracting said ailment, one is advised to touch the person closest to them, while proclaiming loudly, “you’ve got germs!” Following this crucial step, one should lock the index finger and thumb of their right hand with those of their left and announce their attainment of immunity to the germ/s with the words: “I’ve got germ-lock”.
If any illness sets in after performing these protective precautions, one is advised to call 000 emergency help and inform the operator of their serious condition of “having germs”.
If any content of OrdainNet causes a dispute between two or more people, it is advised that the dispute be settled by a fight to the death. Combatants are advised to use only blunt obejects in said duel, as OrdainNet aims to avoid taking responsibility for someone’s eye being poked out.
OrdainNet will ignore attempts to expose that any jokes used within originated from an unaccredited source. Attempts to expose OrdainNet’s lack of ability to compose original and humorous material will be met with severe punishment: OrdainNet will endeavor to acquire a picture of you, so as to splice it with a picture of a pornographic nature (preferably homosexual). This newly spliced image of your face on a sexually explicit body will then become OrdainNet’s official new logo and will feature on every page of the site to ensure maximum embarrassment.
While almost completely unrelated to OrdainNet, we cannot stress to a sufficiently appropriate degree the following:
a. Babies should only ever be consumed in situations of severe hunger. Consuming a baby whilst only requiring a light snack, which could easily be satisfied with Pringles and/or Party-Pies, is not condoned by OrdainNet.
b. Urine should never be mistaken for a refreshing liquid. No responsibility for one’s consumption of urine will be accepted by either OrdainNet, Michael Jackson or the guy at the MacDonald’s near my house who usually handles the “drive through” on Sundays between the hours of 10-11am. Any other groups or individuals can be held completely responsible for you consuming urine, especially if said urine is your own.
Ordain has gone through vigorous rotation of band members during its entire existence. In the majority of cases where OrdNet wishes to refer specifically to any previous incarnation of the band (prior to that of: Lathwood, Rutherford, Hutchinson, Pallozzi, and Olthof) the title “Ordain X” will be implemented. Ordain X members absent from the current lineup and presently unaffiliated with the band in any way include: Josh Parbery, Spencer Long & Vijay Patel.
BACK TO CONTENTS