Stephen goes on a tirade. Part 1
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Stephen Says
I know this is a re-tread of an old subject but what the fuck is up with U.K. cinemas???

Gentle reader, you may recall a few months ago that either E or myself complained bitterly about the fact that the cinemas over here have reserved seating and how ludicrous it was. Furthermore, it was pointed out to us that it’s like this in Sweden & all across Europe. Well, All I can say is WTF?!

This tirade begins sometime last week when a resident at Snowdon and I went out to see Batman Begins in the afternoon. While buying the ticket, we were asked “Where do you want to sit? Front, middle or back?” Like most people, we said “Middle.” Upon entering the cinema (You know, the giant, 15, 000 seat variety), we saw that there was less than a dozen people scattered about the place. So we decided to sit in the front row. And then, 5 minutes into the film, some dumb-ass father shows up with 4 boys and informs us that we’re n his seat. In a massive theatre, less than 5% full, we were asked to move because we were sitting in his seat. So we moved. To a better spot and this fool (Whose mobile kept going off during the film) sat with his boys in the front row to the left of the screen. He never even thought to move a little bit to the right just to get a better view of the screen. Obey the ticket.

Now, I know that there’s a very real concern about the so-called nanny-state in this country and, to a large extent, I think that these concerns are truly valid. But when you start putting the bureaucracy of a ticket over your common sense, maybe you do, indeed need the nanny-state to look after you. After all, look at North America where there is (brace yourself) no assigned seating when going to the movies. In North America the crime rate is up, random violence, drive by shootings. I’m sure some wanker from the Conservative party could extricate a poll from his cavernous backside that categorically proves that “the gratuitous and anarchic use of unassigned seating for the viewing of cinematic moving pictures in a cinematic moving picture venue (hereby referred to as a ‘cinema.’) clearly shows a rise in blood pressure, drop in overall viewing pleasure and increased propensity for violence. It is thereby that I propose a committee of committees to look into this further and write a report on said subject. Until this time, we shall persist with the tradition of assigned seating in this ‘cinema,’ to ensure to proper and continuing function or our great society.”

Or something like that.

Anyway, here’s the whole point of what I’m trying to get to:

Elisabeth and I went to see Sin City last night. We were asked where we wanted to sit – front, middle or back. Like most people, we said ‘middle.’ We went into the theatre only to discover that Sin City was showing in the tiny “last weekend or bust” cinema with only 10 rows. Our tickets: F10 & F11.

1st rule of common sense when you’re going to use assigned seating in a cinema: Turn the lights on so that you can actually see the damn seat numbers. Of course they didn’t, so we just found the F section and sat in 2 random seats because I (unlike everyone else in the theatre) don’t gain a lot of pleasure at stooping over and putting my nose 1 inch away from a movie seat to try and see where I’m trying to sit. Note to guys taking a girl on a date: It’s impossible to look remotely cool doing this so don’t even try.

The other thing is that everyone says that they want to sit in the middle of the theatre. So you end up with a dense pocket of people all squished together with the entire front & back sections empty. Add that to the fact that the theatre ticket seller (…ability to use language draining…) is a dumb-ass and assigns people to sit right next to each other, no one has any person space. Now I’ve heard of these mythical beings called ‘teenagers’ who like to go on ‘dates.’ During this bizarre mating ritual, they like to have a bit of privacy but, thank to the genius of assigned seating and idiocy of ticket sellers, there is no privacy allowed. Is this the sinister plan of the Religious Right??? Ah, the seer brilliance of it!!!

Okay, so the theatre is now full; I’ve been asked to move because some chap insists “This has to be me spot – it’s an aisle seat.” And the light go out. But there are still the later-comers & stragglers who are still searching for their damn assigned seat, making entire rows stand up so that they can make their way to their assigned spot. Morons all of them. Just sit down in one of the empty rows. It does not matter. It’s a movie, after all. ARG!

I’m tired and I’m out of coffee. E Is just as irate as I am about all this and I haven’t even gotten into the shenanigans surrounding the previews & commercials before the film started. The fact that no one seemed to ‘get’ Sin City as being a comic book put on film. The way that everyone was too embarrassed to react (read: laugh) to scenes in the movie but felt comfortable enough to giggle at a fucking commercial. The abominable behaviour that took place at the close of the film. I’ll let her continue this parade of tirade if she so wishes.

It’s highly unlikely that E&I will be going to the movies again. The long & the short of it is that we enjoy the privacy & intimacy of watching a DVD at home over the cinema-going experience of bottled up emotions and anal-retention. Until Land of the Dead comes out. I gotta see that one in the theatre!