200TH BLOG ENTRY
Topic: Stephen Says
And could it be more appropriate to report that Elisabeth spent the evening in China singing karaoke?

And will be doing so again tomorrow?

Early morning blogging
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Stephen Says
?been meaning to blog for a couple of days now and, as it?s grey & dreary & rainy outside, what?s my excuse? How am I holding up with Elisabeth away? Last night I had a disturbing dream that I was trying to play Mario Bros. (The original, not ?Super?) but he screen kept getting all messed up. This was all taking place in a box in a great big theatre that was being hosted by this Chinese woman who was barking orders to people that I couldn?t see. And, suddenly from the dark there would be these living, gay mannequins dressed in Nazi/S&M style gear doing song and dance routines. Don?t ask me what it means, but I did watch Dirty Harry last night so maybe that?s got something to do with it.

I?ve sort of re-evaluated London, after making a day of it on Friday. My main complaint is that it?s too-damn-crowded. Just, it?s just so crowded that it?s not funny. Try walking down Bond Street during rush hour on a Friday. And the thing is, the center of the city is so packed with tourists (Of which I consider myself one) that the proper inhabitants of the city are squeezed into their own neighborhoods (after all, who wants to associate with tourists) so that everywhere is crowded. Everywhere. It?s just way too crowded.

But really, that?s the only bad thing. It?s impossible to be bored and, since many of the galleries are free, it?s quite easy to not spend any money. Yeah, it?s expensive, but everyone knows that (And if you don?t, you learn it pretty damn quick) so, if you?re smart, you can bring a sandwich to hide park and sit in the park, eat it and read Papillion.

Anyway, Paris is still a prettier city but London?s got it?s own, weird vibe going on. It?s a hodgepodge of architecture, culture and other things that, I?m sure, make no sense in a city planning sense. The London Eye is still the ugliest thing in the world because it?s too modern and doesn?t fit. But then, why is the Giant Gherkin so freakin? cool??? It?s like the city itself dropped acid and, while on a whole, everyone?s having a good trip, certain areas have climbed up a sky scraped and are shouting ?I can fly, I can fly!?

Funnily enough, I also got to experience my first genuinely ?bad neighborhood? in England complete with arson & a mini-riot. I don?t know; it was more ?neat? than ?exciting? but then, I was pretty pissed as, now that I?m no longer inching but galloping my way towards 30, I can no longer party as hard as those young folks. I think I?m going to go out and buy a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches.

Elisabeth has left for the Chinese mainland today after spending yesterday touring around Hong Kong. She is very well and enjoying the trip but has no access to the internet. She is, however, taking lots of pictures and will make up for lost time, I?m sure.

Things Are Tough All Over
Topic: Stephen Says
Okay, this bonus blogging is mainly for Elisabeth's sake, but it's amusing none the less.

Yobbo flipped out today outside on the phone with the guy whom he bought his broken car from. It seems that he didn't realize that it was that broken and wanted to return it and get his money back. His negotiations (ie, screaming obscenities) didn't sway the guy so he spent the rest of the afternoon inside his broken car with the hood up revving his engine.

Someone in one of the other apartments broke up with her boyfriend. Rather, he found her with her new boyfriend. Screaming, death threats and an attempted fight ensued. Nothing happened and the girl & her boyfriend went back inside; the spurned dude rode around the parking lot and revved his moped alot. Maybe it's a Woking thing.

There's something incredible about how people articulate their rage over here. Men become inarticulate cuss-mongers and cease speaking anything that can be called 'language.' Both sexes become shrill but women over here do it in a way that cuts to the bone. I will have nightmares for years at the way that they can push every button that I, as a man, would drive me to insanity. Good for English girls. You can kick my ass any hour of any day.

Belated Blogging
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: BBC news election coverage. All day, all the time. I'm a masochist.
Topic: Stephen Says
No news is good news, so to speak. But no news makes for light blogging, unfortunately. I received a phone call from Elisabeth this morning and she?s landed in Hong Kong safe and sound after a 12 hour flight. I?ve managed to survive her departure with the help of Gene Wilder & Richard Pryor in Stir Crazy. Elisabeth saw Meet the Fockers on her flight.

Um, nothing else. Dell has finally refunded the money that they stole from me. It took two months of stupidity and useless call center workers with a dodgy knowledge of English but the money is back and just in the nick of time, since I had to pay my Visa bill yesterday. Thank God. Now our debts are ones we?ve legitimately accrued.

Nothing else going on. All quiet on the western front.

Elisabeth?s got the digital camera & her company?s decked her out with a modern ell phone with a built in camera, so hopefully she?ll get to a computer in the next few days and post something more exciting than what I?m likely to post.

British politicians (A poem)
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: A British politician
Topic: Stephen Says
I just want to say that I really hate British politicians.
All of them.
With their pompous diction and their belief that if they enounciate every sylable and speak at a heightened level,
bordering on that of a panicky house wife,
that they will appear stong and sincere.
Their encyclopedic knowledge of the most pointless statistic and their utter inability to give a strightfordward answer to the simplist of questions.
Their constant and planned out confusion of the words "I," "We (As in 'we the party'," and "We (As in 'We the people.)" to protect themselves from the legal ramifications of their speeches.
Three more weeks of this stupid campaign?
AAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Thank God the pancakes are ready now. Yum yum.

(Sorry - bad spellings of words. No glasses & no food & 1/2 a cup of coffee makes blogging hard work. Which was the whole point of this stupid rant - some asshole politician said that Blogging was a very complex and difficult thing to do and that is why if won't catch on. What a maroon.

OOps! Forgot to post a title for this blog entry!
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Grand Buffet - Pittsburgh Hearts & Cigarette Beach
Topic: Stephen Says
Righty-ho, I'm wrestling the blog away from Elisabeth's sweaty little fingers. She hasn't been reading her book too much in the last few days so she's had little to rant about. I've been puttering around being the good house-husband cooking and cleaning the place (Including the flats windows - probably the 1st time they're been cleaned. Ever.) Slowly, slowly, my job will begin. I swear. Really I do.

We saw The Ipcress File last night (It came free with a magazine) and we were suitably impressed. A little dated but still enjoyable. But then, it's hard for cold war spy thrillers not to be. The reason why I mention it is that it has the most realistic example of grocery shopping in England that I've ever seen. It's absolutely brilliant. Worth the price of admission alone.

I'm going to have to find a way to edit together a video made up of clips from movies and TV shows that depict 'The Real England.' So far my video would contain:

a) The shopping scene in Ipcress,
b) The pub scenes in Straw Dogs,
c) The maypole song & dance in Wicker Man, and
d) Every single episode of The League of Gentlemen.

Scary stuff.

Anyway, we're off to the market now to revel in Woking's town center. We're out of coffee; a crisis more pressing than the whole of the Middle East.

Here's a link to entertain yourselves. Jenn, I was going to e-mail it to you and Mark but thought it was better to put it here; Sean you'll probably get a kick out it. Anyway, make sure that Markus peeps it as well.

Winging It
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: StacK ATtacK
Topic: Elisabeth's Entries
It is almost the weekend, yay! Things that have happened this week: we've discoverd how broke and in debt we still are, so we must cut back on the spending for the rest of the month. Luckily I will be in China this time next week, being treated better then, well ever I expect!

Meanwhile, Stephen being off from the bookstore this week, has been preparing our "poverty" meals, like Chili (8 meals) and pasta. I have been cycling to work, even in the rain yesterday. My supervisor had to dig out the space heater to help dry my clothes. Even though I was soaking wet when I arrived at work, it was a very satisfying cycle...you know, being right there in the elements.

So this weekend, I think we'll be laying pretty low...

New topic: Spring in England...from what we can see from our non-automotive perspective, the greens are greener than green, the flowers are full and vibrant, and generally people are perkier.

In my last blog I was perhaps a bit unfair to the English, and only presented apsects of the culture that infuriate me. So today for the sake of fairness and balance, here are some things that are good about England:

1. Their commitment to linguistics.
2. Their passion for gardening.
3. They are very careful about their appearance.
4. Their sense of humour
5. A pub every 5 miles.
6. The abundence of green spaces
7. Numerous local farms
8. YOU ADD SOMETHING...

"Watching the English" tm
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Bjork (Debut)
Topic: Elisabeth's Entries
Right...Monday is just about over. It was a beautiful day today...18 degrees...clear sky...high ceiling...low humidity...intermittently sunny...perfect.

Unfortunately I could not bike to work today because I was forced to leave my bicycle there over the weekend, so I could free my hands to bring home an electric drill. With that drill we installed our beautiful new curtains, which frankly make me feel like a new person. Those ugly mouldy, water-stained orange drapes were just weighing on my mind like a gorilla.

Stephen is playing D & D tonight, so I have some time to read "Watching the English" that he bought for me on his last day at work (see yesterday's entry). I finished THE AMBER SPYGLASS (the 3rd of the Philip Pullman Trilogy) and felt thoroughly satisfied. My eyes were not dry, but then I cry at most things emotional either happy or sad. Weird girly thing I'm pretty sure.

The key to this new book is in the second part of the title: the HIDDEN rules of English Behaviour.

Basically, Kate Fox is an English Anthropologist at a research school in Oxford. She is trained to identify the hidden codes and mores of cultures.

The very fact the Fox examines the rhymes and reasons of the English people is a taboo in itself. I almost feel ashamed to be reading the book on the train, in case some Nosy Parker glances at the cover and feels embarrassed that I'm reading about all their secrets. Because there are a lot of secrets.

For one, they pride their ability to master emotion, harness honesty, and guard their private lives while ripping everyone else's open.

What makes looking at English behaviour unique is that whereas most behaviours of any given culture are done unconsciously, such as wearing baseball caps or being friendly to strangers, the English are usually very aware of their behaviour at all times, but are simply unaware of how illogical it all is.

For instance, when meeting new people "...the English do not want to know your name, or tell you theirs, until a much greater degree of intimacy has been established..." And of course not all English people are this way, and if you feel you need to qualify how she defines "the English" read her introduction, because she makes a very strong argument based on her sound research that these rules apply to the majority of people living in England.

And most English therefore, subscribe to the unwritten rule that the weather is mentioned as a greeting, as an ice-breaker, and as conversational filler. With so many uses for weather-talk, it is also useful to know this rule: "Always agree" If someone says "Ooh it's chilly today" (and to a Canadian this couldn't be farther from the truth) and you disagree, even mildly, this "is a serious breach of etiquette." If you do, "you will find the atmosphere becomes rather tense and awkward, and possibly somewhat huffy." She goes on to point out that the English Weather is one of few things about which the English are unashamedly patriotic. They treat it like a member of their family...the English can moan about it, but outsiders certainly cannot! They don't take to comparison to other climates, as "Size...isn't everything, and the English weather requires an appreciation of subtle changes and understated nuances, rather than a vulgar obsession with mere volume and magnitude."

I.e.---the English are petty and unreasonable.

Now everything is starting to fall into place...why English people don't take too kindly to us Canadians here at Rexcats. We're vulgar, honest, and "gasp" we like to express ourselves freely!

Already today I tried the new etiquette techniques, and saw them working.

Doubtless there will be more quotes from this book as time goes on.

Happy End of Monday!

Can't think of no stinkin' title
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Charlie Chesterman - From the Book of Flames
Topic: Stephen Says
I survived my first major clothes shop in England today. It was relatively painless, really. Elisabeth and I puttered about and looked at clothes and I tried them on, feeling smugly superior to the gentleman who was begging his wife to come into the changing room to help him tell if his shirt fitted. She rightly pointed out that it was a men's changing room and couldn't help him sort out if the shirt was too tight across his chest or not. He would just have to figure it out himself.

Anyway, a few trousers and some shirts later and Elisabeth says that I look like a man now and not a guy rapidly approaching 30 who refuses to grow up. I won't be sleeping well tonight.

Todays point of high stress was when we tried to install a curtain rod & curtains. I couldn't measure out where I was supposed to drill the holes to make everything straight (Elisabeth did that) and Elisabeth was afraid to use the drill, so I got to wreck install things. [Actually, the contraption that I used wasn't a drill but an electric screwdriver that I managed to fit a drill bit onto and then just pressed really hard against the wall.] All this was to the dramatic background music of Yobbo & his girl having one hell of a fight. Yobbo is a rhetorical philosopher, it seems, as he was quite keen to stress that "You mean nothing to me! Love? Nothing! Women? Nothing! Children? Nothing!" Quite an intellectual capactiy for argument and debate he has, let me tell you!

We also put up a framed Klimt print from Elisabeth's company and I got to vaccum up the mess. I'm blogging now while Elisabeth irons. She's also preparing a new dish for dinner tonight: vegetable and cashew currey with sweet potato & coconut milk. I'm not at the bookstore anymore so, alas, no more strange but true tales. *sigh* Anyhow, the flat looks quite nice. It's lighter now without the oppressive weirdness of the orange/pink curtain coated with mold, mildew & water stains.

Finally, a book that EVERYONE should read: Watching the English: The hidden rules of English behaviour by Kate Fox. It's an anthropological study of the British by a Brit. It's well researched & funny & very informative. It's shameful the degree of major faux pas' we've made. And we're still on the first chapter. Who could have known that there were so many intricasies to discussig the weather???

Crimewatch!
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Mr. Bungle - California
Topic: Stephen Says
1 day left at the bookstore and I have the following tales of true crime to report:

(1) Earlier this week, a cunning robbery was carried out at the Staines branch (Staines: Linoleum capital of Great Britain), where two [As it turns out, one] whole SHELVES of BBC spoken word comedy CD's were stolen. We've been told not to accept any 'returns' of CD's of their ilk without a receipt as proof of purchase. Police are looking for good humoured people with a near encyclopedic knowledge of every episode of Black Adder, The Goon Show & Fawlty Towers.

(2) Due to excessive dodgyness, we've had to stop accepting exchanges by a group of people who want to continuously return & exchange crime novels without receipts. This one's a bit harder to explain; they exchange 4 crime novels for new and/or the same novels with no method to their madness. Then exchange them for 4 more a few days later. The returned books are in perfect condition except for the fact that someone has folded the cover all the way back. I want to beleive it's some kind of frat-boy prank but who knows - it's Woking, after all.