Red Colubus

Written for the stage by Brian Lambert

Cast:

Pan trogodyte (chimp)

Pan paniscus (bonobo)

Gorilla gorilla (gorilla)

The Red Colubus Monkey

Chimp: (pant hoot call) Attention all hominid primates! Listen here! We are enslaved by the human population. They make us do all this termite fishing, banana hunting and infanticide.

Bonobo: You are right, Chimp. I don’t feel like my contribution towards primate society benefits me or the others in my group. 

Gorilla: I see. But the humans, they have tools like those we can never imagine. (looks at Chimp) Look at you! The best tool you can fashion is a damned stick or a rock to grab a termite or crack a nut. You are all cracked nuts.

Bonobo: I can not take it! They watch me have sex! I know I am fairly promiscuous, but come on, can I get a little privacy! While my mom was G-G rubbing her best friend, I couldn’t stop thinking of what the humans would say!

Chimp: Yes! And when my girlfriend is in estrus, I’m too nervous to perform. So now the damned alpha male is with her again!

Gorilla: Shut up fools! You don’t form monogamous pair bonds like I do! You have nothing to be ashamed of.

(A banana falls from a tree, Chimp runs over and grabs it)

Chimp: (unwraps it and breaks it apart, handing it to the others) Here, my friends, eat this. I have foraged for it, and will share it with you, my comrades, my fellow primates.

Bonobo: See, Gorilla! What peace we can have without humans!                           

Gorilla: What a farse! Let me have your banana!

Chimp: No, Gorilla! You must not touch my banana!

Bonobo: We shall sword fight, with our mightiest weapons!

Gorilla: You are all gross! Bonobo, I know what u want to sword fight with, and just put it back in your pants.

(Red Colobus can be heard from up in the tree, Chimp freezes and looks up.)

Bonobo: Oh, no Chimp. Don’t hunt him. You must live and share with your fellow primates.

Chimp: Quiet! He is so tasty! I must eat this red colobus!

Gorilla: (give a loud roar and scares away the colobus)

Chimp: Fool! Why did you do that?! He was mine.

Gorilla: If you are to live together, you will forget your demonic ways, and live in peace with all primates, including humans.

Chimp: Just you wait….

(Three years later, in a laboratory with a bunch of humans,  Gorilla sits on the floor, learning sign language)

Gorilla: (slowly forms some letters in sign language for the humans) F-U-C-K-U.

Chimp: (laughs from within another cage.)

FIN