Exactly nine months before the day I was born, my mother felt some need to ditch her husband and sleep with their neighbor. The neighbor was 18 years old, and I am now his daughter. I only see him when it's necessary, in fact, I hate the man. My mother claims that the only good thing that came out of her mistake was me. In her eyes I can see what her future was supposed to be like; 4 children, 2 daughters in their early thirties, raising families of their own, and 2 sons, one in his early twenties and the other, just barely a teenager. That's how it was supposed to be. But somehow I was thrown into the mix, I was to be brought into this world no matter how much it would hate me.
Only one of my brothers talks to me. My other siblings resent me and the fact that I was what tore their family apart. Blake lives with my mother and me in Tulsa Oklahoma. He's 14, only two years younger than me and quite possibly the most important thing in my life. He was the one that started calling me JessDoll. My full name is Jessica Grace Toll, but teenyboppers were hearing my name and thinking that I was Hanson's baby sister, Jessica.
I never intended to mention Hanson, but they just happen to come out whenever I get into a deep conversation. How can they not? I've known them since I was 6, when we first moved away from the rest of my family. They were the first real people we met. But for some reason, after their success and traveling, we grew apart. I never tell anybody that I was Taylor's best friend or that I was Zac's crush down the street. People just hear these rumors and go with them. They have no idea that this girl is a real living, breathing person. They don't care. I basically disappeared after they made it big.
I tried to stay friends with them. I tried writing to them and calling them on their cell phones, but they never wrote back, and they never called. I eventually gave up. I really didn't see them until about a month ago when I was rollerblading. I literally ran right into Zac, causing him to fall on top of me. "Could you watch where you're going?!" I shouted as he got off of me.
"Sorry, I didn't even see you." He muttered, brushing himself off. I couldn't believe it, he didn't even recognize me. But then again, it probably is hard to recognize somebody that you haven't seen in 2 years. He looked me over and then squinted. "Jessie?"
"Jess. Yeah it's me." I bent over to examine the large scrape on my knee.
"You're bleeding."
"You're quick."
"You've changed."
"No I haven't." I gave my bleeding knee one last pat and started to skate away. Zac grabbed my arm, pretty harshly, by the way, and jerked me back.
"Excuse me!" I shouted. "No need for abuse."
"Sorry. I was just gonna ask you to come over to my house so you could see anybody. You haven't even gotten to see Zoe yet."
"Zoe? That's her name? Creative."
"You didn't know her name was Zoe?"
I shrugged and started to skate with him back to his house, all the while, my knee throbbing in pain. "I don't read magazines with your pictures plastered all over the front. I don't really have a reason to."
"What do you think of our music? I never got to ask you that."
"It's good."
"That's all?" He asked, sounding rather disappointed.
"Yeah. You expected me to scream or ask you for a kiss?"
Zac laughed and shrugged. "Kind of. But it's good that you didn't. You kissed me once before and I was scarred for life. Do you remember that?"
I smiled back at him, so maybe he hadn't changed. He still had that great personality trait, he could always laugh. "I remember. You were seven, and you were asking for it."
"I'm glad I ran into you."
I smiled again, not knowing how to reply to that. Was I glad? I didn't know for sure, not until I saw Isaac and Taylor. Which, by the looks of it, was going to be very soon. Isaac bounded down the front steps, picked my up, and spun me around in a circle. "JESSIE!" He yelled when he put me down. "Why didn't you ever call while we were on tour?!"
"I tried, everyday at first. But... you guys were always busy and some scary guy with a deep voice always told me that you would call back."
"Probably Jason. You look great, Jessie."
"It's Jess now." I smiled. Taylor had always been my weakness, so I really had no idea why Isaac's charm was getting to me. He probably just hadn't had a girlfriend in a while. I assumed it was just the "jump any girl that comes around" attitude of his.
I should probably explain my thing with Taylor before you get any wrong ideas. He always had a way of getting anything out of me no matter what. All he had to do was poke me in that area between my hip and my rib cage. He knew that I would scream, and tell him out of fear that he'd do it again. But it was never anything more than friendship. Heck, we were 13 when he left, it could never really be more than friendship.
When I went inside by myself, leaving Isaac and Zac outside to talk about me, Taylor was sitting on the couch, staring at the tv. I walked over and sat next to him and stared at the tv just as he was doing. He didn't move. I poked his shoulder. He waved me off and said, "Go away Zac." Finally, he blinked and turned to me. "Hi." That was all he said.
"Hey."
"I haven't seen you in a while."
"I know."
"You look different."
I smiled and stood up. "I'm still the same height." I suppose the only thing that had changed about me since we had last seen each other was my body shape. My chest was larger and my hips were wide enough for my pants to hang off of. I had more muscle now from gymnastics. I couldn't tell if he was impressed, or just surprised.
"4 foot 9?"
"Yup."
Taylor stood up in front of me and smiled. "6 foot 1."
"Shut up."
Then he did something that was totally unexpected. He put his arms around my shoulders and hugged me. "I'm glad we're back now."
"How long are you back for?" I asked, when he finally pulled away from me.
"A few months, then we're back in the recording studio."
I could feel my disappointment rising in my chest, I only had 3 months with them before they were off again. Then what? Another album, a group of more mature fans, a world tour? I could see it now. They may not have changed this time, but in a few months, who knows?
"I missed you while we were on tour."
I smiled and nodded. "Meet any cool chicks?"
"Chicks that didn't scream in my ear and cause premature deafness?"
"Yeah."
"No." He shrugged. "Maybe next time around though."
I glanced around their new house, this was the first time I'd been in it. Too may white walls, I concluded in seconds. "Where's everybody else?"
Taylor shrugged. "I think they all went out. They decided to give us some time to ourselves, as long as we kept the doors locked. Like that's ever gonna happen. So do you wanna go somewhere?"
"Like where?"
"Down to the creek?" The creek behind my house had always been our spot. We'd go down there, just the four of us, and act out wild stories or play our own strange version of charades. I didn't really had the urge to go down there just yet, though."
"Maybe tomorrow?"
Taylor's expression fell, but he pretended to smile. "Sure."
"I better get home now." I pointed down to my skinned knee, which was now covered in dried blood and small pebbles. "This is starting to burn."
"Want me to walk you?"
"Nah. I'll be fine. As long as I don't run into Zac again."
"Ok. I'll see you later."
I smiled. For some reason I couldn't believe that yet. That was the last thing he had said to me before their flight left for Los Angelas. And I didn't see him later, unless 2 years can count as later. I said nothing else and I skated through their hallway and out the front door. Once again, I ran right into Zac. This time, he grabbed my hips and steadied me.
"Damn girl, you're still as clumsy as ever."
"You should talk. You need to staple a sign to your chest saying ‘Look out, I'm just around the corner'."
"I have a shirt that says that." He laughed, and I noticed that his hands were still on my hips.
"Ok well, I gotta go now. I'll see you... uhm... soon."
"Later." There it was again. This family had a bad concept of the word "Later".
When I got home, Blake was standing in the driveway smiling. I sat down and took off my rollerblades. "What are you so happy about?"
"Zac just called and said that you were over there. I thought you had no intentions of seeing them in the near future?"
"I didn't." I tossed my rollerblades into his arms. "I ran into Zac and he made me go over to see everybody."
"Everybody meaning Tay?"
"Shut up, Blake." He was a very mature 14 year old, and he looked about 17. He was 5'10" tall with dark wavy hair that fell over his eyebrows, and the same dark green eyes that I had. It was a strange family trait, quite possibly the only thing I had in common with my other siblings. We all had the same eyes, although my oldest sister's eyes have a hint of blue in them.
"Yeah. I bet you and Tay got along really well. You know, Zac said he wants you." Blake grinned and turned around to walk away. I, knowing that my weight could never hurt him, jumped on his back and wrapped my arms around his neck.
"What did he say about Taylor?!"
"Damn, woman. He just said that Tay was smiling when you left."
"He was smiling because I left? Or because I was there in the first place."
"I honestly don't know. Now could you please get your ass off of my back?"
"Yeah yeah." I jumped down. "Take my rollerblades in side for me. K? I gotta go do something."
"Alright. See ya."
"Later." I almost laughed when I said that. Later sucks. I pulled my socks up to my shins like I always do, and ran across the street towards the creek. That was the last thing I remembered.
My eyes burned when I opened them, and the room was just too bright. For some reason, I started to cry, right then and there. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder, which hurt even more than the light on my eyes.
"Sshh. Don't cry Jess." I didn't even recognize the voice. Who the heck was it that was talking to me and touching my shoulder?
"You ran right into the street. Why'd you do it?"
I opened my eyes wider and stared up at the unfamiliar face. Long blonde hair... dark green eyes. But I had no idea who it was. She was crying too. "It's ok. Mom's going to be right back. She went to talk to the doctor. We're all here."
Who was we? Then more people came into the room. They all looked the same, all of them with the same dark green eyes. I was scared. "Everything hurts." I managed to say, although those weren't the words that were in my mind.
A tall woman with brown hair came over to me and put her hand on my cheek. "I'm back now. You're finally awake. Where does it hurt?"
I wimpered with her touch. "My head... and my face... and everything else."
Then a man came over to me and everybody else but the tall woman left the room. I had absolutely no idea who he was. Everybody else looked vaguely familiar, but not him. He didn't have the green eyes either. His were dark brown, almost black. "Jessica I need to ask you some questions. And I need you to answer them as best as you can. Ok?"
I nodded, at least I think I did.
"What's your full name?"
"Jessica Grace Toll." I managed to answer, after thinking about it for a long time.
"Do you know what happened?"
I shook my head.
"Do you know who this is?" He asked, pointing to the tall lady. Her features were too sharp, her nose was pointy and her lips were thin, but she had those eyes that scared me. Everybody looked the same.
"No."
The woman started to cry, but I didn't know why. "Honey, it's me. It's your mother!" She sobbed into her hands.
"My head hurts."
The doctor nodded and poked me in some other places to see how loud it would make me scream. Then he sat down on the edge of the bed. "Do you remember anybody?"
"Blake. Where's Blake?" I asked, looking around the room for my brother."
He appeared then, at my side, and he took my hand in his. "Hi, Jessdoll."
I smiled. "What happened to me?"
He looked over at the doctor and then back to me. "You ran into the street. Do you remember that?"
I nodded.
"And you stepped on a rock and fell over. You weren't wearing your shoes because you gave your blades to me."
I didn't remember that.
"Then a car came and you were hit."
"Were you there?" I asked, still not understanding.
He nodded. "You'll be ok."
"Why does my face hurt so much? My eyes hurt, and my cheeks. And it hurts to talk."
Blake looked back over at the doctor and waited for him to nod. Then he grabbed the hand mirror next to the bed and handed it to me. I looked into the reflection, but I didn't see me. I didn't even know who "me" was supposed to look like. I had a large white bandage covering my left cheek, there were little scrapes surrounding it. Both of my eyes were blackened, and there was a large cut on the right side of my lip. I think I gasped when I saw the dark green eyes staring back at me. "Who hit me?" I asked, as calmly as I could.
"We don't know. You crawled back over to the curb, and he drove away. I didn't see who it was."
I started to cry again, the tears burning my cheek. "Why don't I know anybody? Who was here when I woke up?"
Blake stared at me. He looked scared. "That was Rebekkah. That was our sister. You don't..."
"I don't know who that is." I cried harder.
"Ok. It's ok." He tried to calm me. But I cried until I fell asleep again.