He was starting to annoy the hell out of me. Those amazingly hot blue eyes that stared at me as if trying to pull something out of my head. That's all he did. He'd just sit there on my couch staring at me, thinking I didn't realize he was staring. He must have thought I lost all of my intellegence in the accident.
"Ok, fuck you." I stood up, so extremely pissed off at him I couldn't stand it any longer.
Taylor stared up at me, looking extremely hurt. "What?"
"I said fuck you. You just sit there on your ass trying to help me but you're not really helping me. All you can do is kiss me and think that's gonna help."
"What? Where'd all this come from. I apologized for kissing you."
"Yeah well, I didn't accept."
"Obviously." Taylor grinned, and that just pissed me off.
"What now?"
"You."
"What about me? Do I have something hanging off of my ass or something?"
"No. You're just finally starting to act like your old self again. And you're actually dressed today and your hair is done."
My hair was on top of my head with little pieces sticking out all over the place.
"I like your hair like that. Always have."
"I used to wear it like this?"
"Yeah."
I sat back down and jumped when he put his arm too close to my leg. "Do you have to do that?"
"Do what?"
"Touch me."
"I didn't touch you."
"You came close."
Taylor stood up and went for the door.
"Where are you going?!"
"Home. When you're like this I always send Zac over. He has a way of calming you down."
"I am calm." I crossed my arms over my chest and sulked. Before I knew it, Zac was sitting next to me. "Are you gonna sit there and stare at me too?"
"I'd rather not."
"What are you gonna sit here and piss me off too?"
"No. I was planning on turning the tv on and ignoring you."
"Fine then. Ignore me."
"Fine. Are you going to be mean all day? Cause I'm usually the only one that can get you to chill out."
I shrugged my shoulders and yawned.
"Do you wanna lay on me?"
WHAT"Huh?"
"You always used to lay on me when you were tired. You'd put yer head on my lap."
"Why didn't I do that with Tay if we were such good friends."
"Cause." Zac shrugged.
I grabbed his collar and shook him. "Zachary Walker Fucking Hanson. TELL ME!"
Zac laughed. "You haven't called me that in a couple years."
"So tell me."
"You and Tay weren't really best friends. Actually, you hated eachother for a while there. But... then you started to like eachother which didn't work out because he found some other chick he liked and he ditched you."
"So what was the deal with you and me?"
He shrugged.
"Don't make me kick your ass."
"That was the deal with me and you. You beat me up all the time and I let you. But... I liked you. You were my idol. You were the only person I knew that was shorter than me."
I felt myself giving him a dirty look.
"And you were nice to me. It was like I was the only one that..."
"Made me happy?"
"Yeah. Besides your brother. He was always there for you, but I liked to think I meant something to you, even though you never opened up to anybody."
"So I was slightly..."
"Secretive?"
"Yeah I guess. That's the impression I'm getting."
"Promise me something."
"Maybe."
"Promise me that when you finally remember everything, that you'll at least stay this way a little. Like, open up to me more?"
"Ok. But what exactly is there to remember?"
"Stuff. Look I gotta go home. Would it be ok if I called you later?"
"Sure." I shrugged. Later on he did call. And he seemed almost afraid to talk to me. Like he was afraid to tell me something really important. And I almost felt like I was beginning to remember something even more traumatic than a 4 year old brother shooting his dad. But there was still nothing there. Zac suggested that I look in my closet behind the metal box.
So I did. And I found my journal. I couldn't believe I didn't even think of looking for it to start with. But there it was, in my hands. I opened it up to the middle and started to read. There was no year, just a date.
July 2nd,
I'm dealing a little better. I told Zac over the phone about what happened. He didn't believe me at first but then he started to cry. Blake knows, and I'm sure within a few days, so will the rest of the Hanson family. I'm not telling my mother though, I'm sure she'll flip out. I'm not completely convinced that it was partially my fault.
I stared at the page and made a face. That was it. What the hell had happened to me? The only thing I could think of was rape, but how completely cliche would that be? And why the hell wouldn't I remember that?
I turned back a few pages and found what I was looking for.
June 29th,
I can't believe what just happened. We were sitting on the bed and it just... started. We actually had sex. I'm only 12 and we had sex. I regret it so much, how could I just do that? What the hell was I thinking? There are blood stains on his bed now and he flipped his mattress over so that nobody would notice. I just don't know how I'm going to tell Zac. I know how he feels about me. More later.
I stared in shock and turned the page.
June 30th,
So that's that. I talked to him today and he told me never to tell anybody. Especially not Taylor.
I stopped reading after that. The realization hit me. Zac, minus Taylor, only left one person left. Which would explain why I don't remember Taylor and Isaac. Taylor ditched me for some chick and I did it with Isaac when I was 12 years old. Wasn't I the model preteen?
There was only one thing I could think of doing. I went down the hall and went to Blake's room. I climbed into his bed and burried my face in his arm. I started to cry.
"Hey, what happened?"
I slapped him as hard as I could. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WHERE MY JOURNAL WAS HIDDEN!?"
Blake frowned. "How much did you find out?"
"Enough to never want to open the damn book again."
"Maybe you shouldn't. I don't think there's many happy moments in there."
I sighed and covered myself up. I turned over on my side so that I was facing the wall.
"You don't need to talk?"
"Does it look like I do? I don't feel like sleeping in my room.... at least I know the person in this room."