I really didn't want to do it, but Taylor was convinced that I had too. I may have had most of my memory back, but my talent for rollerblading didn't come with it. Nevertheless, I found myself strapped to my old blades with my pads and helmet on. I hadn't warn the protection in so long, but it was the only way I'd skate now.
Taylor had his hand on my shoulders, he gently pushed me out into the street. I couldn't do it. I absolutely couldn't do it. I twirled around and grabbed hold of him as tight as I could. He laughed.
"You gotta get back to the stuff you used to do."
I shook my head. "Ok. I'm with you on that one, but do I have to rollerblade? Come on, I wasn't that good."
"Not that good? You only won seven skating competitions in the state. And you weren't that good?"
I shrugged. So I did have several trophies in my closet that I could finally take out and admire, now that I remembered what they were from.
"Now go on." He pushed my lightly. This time I fell to the ground and grabbed hold of his ankle.
"You have got to be kidding me." Isaac laughed as he skated onto the street with Taylor and me.
"She just won't do it."
"I can't."
"Yeah you can." Isaac grabbed me by my arms and tried to get me to skate, but somehow, being that close to him again made me uneasy. I couldn't think about anything else when I was around him other than the time we were... together. I could barely remember it now, everything was so fuzzy. To be honest, it was so fast, and it hurt like hell. I didn't want to remember even now. But there was something I needed to know.
"What's her name?"
Isaac stared at me and let go of my arms. "What?"
"I wanna know what they named her. I remember I didn't name her, so they had to have given her a name."
Isaac shrugged. "I don't know."
"Give me a break, Ike. You do too know. You knew a long time ago and I didn't want you to tell me anything about her. She's four years old now and she lives in the same city as me. I deserve to know her name."
"Why do you care now if you didn't then?"
I shrugged. I honestly didn't know why. Maybe I had changed. "I just want to know."
"Emily. Her name is Emily Rae."
"Emily... Have you seen her at all?"
Isaac shrugged. "They sent me pictures every month, but you were interested in anything that had to do with her." Isaac gave me the dirtiest look I had ever seen and he skated away around the corner. Just like that. He left me with a name, and a guilty conscience that I had no power over what so ever.
I looked at Taylor. "There's things that I did when I was younger, I don't have any power over them now. But I'm allowed to change them now aren't I? Or am I stuck with my mistakes forever?"
Taylor gave me a similar dirty look. "That little girl wasn't a mistake. You know the couple that adopted her had been trying to have kids for 15 years? That's not a mistake, Jessie."
"God, I know." Before I knew it, Isaac was standing in front of me with a handful of wallet sized pictures. I said nothing, I just took them and looked.
The first one was of a tiny baby that I almost remembered. Small, wrinkly, red face.... no hair. The second was a picture of a chubbier little girl with tiny wisps of dirty blonde hair and light brown eyes. They all looked about the same from there until I saw the last one. It was a four year old girl, in a long white dress, standing in front of a fireplace. Her hair was long, hanging down to the small of her back with tiny little curls at the ends. No red streaks... no green eyes. There was nothing there that resembled me in the least.
Isaac stared at me. "She looks like you."
"No she doesn't." I crinkled my nose. "Look at the hair, the way it curls around her cheeks and at the bottom... and the eyes... they're yours."
"But the smile is yours."
I smiled and looked down at the ground. I was standing on my own with the rollerblades on. It wasn't much, but for once in my life, I was standing on my own.
It didn't take me very long to ask if I could see my daughter, and it was only a day before it was arranged. I found myself wearing a pair of my nicest black pants and a red tanktop that I thought made me look older. Isaac went with me, he stood next to me the whole time. Even when my hand shook as I rang the doorbell, he stood with me.
A middle aged woman with black hair answered the door. I couldn't help breathe in her scent, gingerbread, it was so stereotypically... family. She smiled at Isaac and took his hand in her own. "Hello Isaac."
Isaac smiled back. I knew he'd met the family many times before. He wasn't the kind of person to leave a daughter to strangers and never care how she turned out.
Then, she looked to me and looked me over. "Hello."
I smiled and shook her hand. "I'm Jessica."
"Emily's in the living room." She let us inside and pointed the way towards the back of the house.
It was a large room with dark green carpeting and white walls. The little girl sat between two huge couch pillows, overstuffed and overfluffed. She wore a pair of red shorts and a white tanktop with a tiny red bow on the front. Her hair was pulled into a high ponytail that only four year olds can get away with. She stared at me for a long while before I walked over to her.
I knelt down in front of her and smiled. "Do you know who I am?"
She nodded. "You're my real mommy. But you're not taking me away are you?"
I shook my head and couldn't help but laugh. "I wouldn't take you away. You live here. Sometimes..." I couldn't find the right words, and I was surprised when she filled the gap.
"Sometimes little girls live with other people that love them. Sometimes kids live with grandparents or uncles and aunts. I live with my mom and dad." She pointed up at the woman with the dark hair. Tiny silver wisps wrapped around her ears. I even remembered her name. Evelyn Mayers.
"She's really smart isn't she?"
I nodded and stood up. "I'm glad she's with you and Mr. Mayers." I almost felt like crying. "I know I couldn't have taken care of her as well as you can..."
Isaac entwined his fingers with mine and held my hand. Mrs. Mayers must have noticed this. "So, you two are... together now?"
I shook my head. "I'm not like I used to be. I'm not sure how much you know about me."
"I know everything. I think Emily has the right to know what kind of woman her mother is..."
"Oh."
"I told her about your accident, and about everything before that. She's a very bright little girl. She would never hold anything against you."
I remembered when adults used to talk about me when I was in the room. I hated it. I knelt down to Emily and smiled. "Would it be ok if I gave you a hug?"
Emily jumped down and wrapped her arms around me. "I'm glad you came to see me, Jessica." Then she went to Isaac and wrapped her arms around his leg. He bent down and hugged her. "I'm glad you came too Ike."
I really couldn't help feeling the way I felt. Like Emily was another piece of the puzzle that was coming together. I was somewhat relieved that she didn't have the dark green eyes or the blonde and red hair. I was relieved that she wouldn't be another product of my mother's affair. And she wouldn't be just another product of my bumpy past. She was a real person who saved the lives of two adults who never knew happiness before her. And she was a real person who came from two real people that may not have been in love, but at least they loved eachother. That was the best gift in life.