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No, but Seriously....
Irish jokes - We Irish never take ourselves seriously!
Irish Driving - If you ever happen to be driving in Ireland
An Englishman, a Scot, and a Irish man went to a pub for a pint. When the Beer was delivered they each noticed a fly
floating on top. The englishman pushed his draft away in disgust. "Bloody hell, I cannot drink such a mess!" The Scot
shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The Irish man was very disturbed. He picked the fly
up, shaking it and yelled, "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off
a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender
gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he
ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president
replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." .
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on
the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow
Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm
sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and
covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't think so," said the
foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and
falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to
stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries
one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you
know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.".
An Irishman stumbles out of a bar and is spied by a Constable. The Constable approches... C: Can I help ya lad? I: Yea,
SSSSomebody ssstol my car! C: Well, wheer was ya car last time ya saw it? I: It twas at the end of tiss key! (he held up a key
already in his hand) At this time the constable notices the Irishman has his manhood out. C: Hey, Ar ya aware ya expoosing
yaself? I: Ohh God, They got me girl too!
Q: Why did God make beer? A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: One less drunk.
Beer - God's gift to the Irish
Ten reasons why Beer is better than Jesus
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the drinking-under-the-influence
laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys into 5 different cars before his
own. Then he sat in the front seat of his car fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else had left the bar.
The police officer was just sitting and waiting for him. The officer was so excited to be stopping this drunk! He stopped the
driver and read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer
demanded to know how that could be. He even offered medical assistance if he was ill. The driver just smiled at him and said
that all was fine. It's just that officer I must confess I was just the designated decoy for the evening!!!
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the
window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to
the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later,
another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's
really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your
breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So
he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks
over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
A man comes home, very late, pissed out of his mind, to find his wife waiting for him at the door "WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN?" she screams, "it's 4 IN THE MORNING". He says "Aww, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one
beer... but this bar, it was incredible. EVERYTHING in it was gold plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays,
they served the drinks in gold shotglasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The
cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept on ordering beers, so I could stay in the bar and look at it.
Hell, even when I went to the Men's room to take a leak, they had gold plated urinals....it was wonderful." "I don't believe that
story for one minute," his wife said. "What was this place called?" "Hell," he replies, "I can't remember...I got too drunk, and I
forgot." "You'll have to prove it to me tommorrow when you sober up, or I'm going to divorce you!" she said. The next day,
the man looks through the Yellow Pages under BARS, but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he'll call all the bars
listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He's called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally
he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold plated stuff. "Here ,"the
man says, handing the phone to his wife. "Ask the bartender if I'm lying!" The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the
bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night....the rail, the shotglasses, the mirrors, the
table posts and the cash register. Finally, she says, "Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you
even have gold-plated urinals...do you?" The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell "HEY
LOUIE!! I think I know who pissed in your saxaphone....."
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a
beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive drink.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up;
latch self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
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