1:1The beginning was Toast, and Toast was the beginning. 1:2And the Toast combined the flour and the eggs, the eggs and the milk, and said let their be dough, and there was dough, and it was good. So the Toast created bagels and sourdough bread to surround himself with. And this was the first day. 1:3On the second day, the toast said let there be orange marmalade, and let there be cheese, and so there was orange marmalade and there was cheese, and the toast saw that this was good. 1:4On the third day, the toast said let there be whiskey, let there be pies, and let there be beer, and proceeded to get terribly drunk, and fucked up rather a lot of things. So thusly, came the Crust and the Tofu into the world. 1:5And the Toast was not pleased, but was drunk beyond caring. Thus, in a drunken stupor, the Toast challenged the Crust and the Tofu to prove themselves superior to the Toast, and the Crust and the Tofu being a little tipsy themselves accepted, and so in an escalating battle, the Earth was born, followed by the Sun, the Universe, toaster ovens, lawyers, VW bugs, used car salesmen, Amaretto with coffee, and Kibo. 1:6This battle has lasted for many millennia, and neither side seems to be sobering up any time soon, but in an awe inspiring move in this final battle, the Toast has created the AntiCrust to work as his Avatar on this planet earth.
2:1Now the Crust was cunning, even when drunk. 2:2The crust said to man, isn't it much easier to create bread with a crust then without? 2:3And man replied, "Well, I suppose with practice, I could get good at making crustless bread, but as is I'm not that good at either, considering I haven't been in existance all that long." 2:4And the Crust, in all of its cunning, thus spake, "Would I lie to you? It is much easier to make bread with a crust, and toast tastes better with crust too." 2:5And man was doubtful, but the crust offered man a swig of low grade beer, and man being unused to such substances was soon drunk enough to agree with anything. 2:6So, when the Toast came upon man making images in his image, but with a crust on them, the Toast was upset, and to man he said:
2:7Because you have done this, you will no longer be able to create bread with abandon, but must buy it from the supermarket, or bake it in a hot oven. 2:8And further, to make toast in the image of me, you will need to use a toaster oven. 2:9Cursed be the ground because of you 2:10And your toast will retain its crust without effort by you to remove it. 2:11In heat, shall the bread become stiff, and toasty 2:12But in time, it shall become once more soggy 2:13Further, your toaster ovens will have a tendency to break at the worst possible moments. 2:14And cheese will be harder to come by.2:15And so the Toast was a bit pissed off, and drunk to boot, so the Toast crawled into the tub, and fell asleep.
3:1The AntiCrust was upset as well, but still under the drinking age, having been just 'created', so less drunk than in later times. 3:2So, the AntiCrust said to man, use a knife to remove the crust from your toast, and use electrical heating coils to turn you bread to the image of the Toast. 3:3But, at this point, man did not know what a knife was, and was still a bit upset, so man ignored the advice of the AntiCrust for several millenia, before finally discovering the truth once more. 3:4But that is besides the point.
4:1This is the record of the descendents of the first man, and what they discovered of the ways of the Toast. 4:2When the Toast created man, the Toast was not sober in the slightest, so, created both male and female, in order to have another reason for the creation of bars. 4:3When they were created, he blessed them, and named them swjmslblldyybn, but that name was not pronouncable, so they took to calling themselves human. 4:4The first man, being one sick fuck, had relations with a chimpanzee, who conceived, and bore a son in his likeness named Seth. 4:5The first man, being a pervert as well, had relations with many other animals, and many other sons and daughters. 4:6The first man told none of his sons and daughters that they were related, so the whole race died out due to inbreeding to a terrible degree, not to mention the fact that the DNA just wasn't quite right. 4:7By this time, the Toasts drunkeness had progressed to a point where he created rather a lot of creatures which vaguely resembled apes. 4:8For the Toast wanted these men to look kinda funny. 4:9And the Toast added a nose right in the middle of their ass. 4:10Which the AntiCrust promptly moved, with the help of the Crust, because it was just plain bad design. 4:11And that was the last time the AntiCrust and the Crust ever agreed on anything.
5:1 fnord
6:1 When men began to multiply on the Earth and daughters were born unto them, the Toast saw that some of them were hideous to look upon. 6:2 The Toast being a drunken bastard, was avoided by all of the pretty young ladies. 6:3 And so, the Toast never did learn that some of the daughters of man were indeed quite beautiful to look upon. 6:4 That didn't stop the Crust and the AntiCrust from learning this. 6:5 And thus bread crumbs came into the world.
6:6 When the Toast saw how great was man's crumbliness, and how foul was his hangover, 6:7 he regretted having gotten so drunk, and his head was grieved. 6:8 So the Toast said, 6:9 "I will wipe everything on the earth with melted butter, and not only the men, but the creepy crawlies too." 6:10 But the Anticrust found favor with the Toast.
6:11 In the eyes of the Toast, the earth was severely broken. 6:12 And so, the Toast said to the Anticrust, 6:13 "You're in for a major butterbath. 6:14 Make yourself a really really big boat out of hardened bread. 6:15 Put various compartments into it, and cover it with something to keep the butter from making the whole mess soggy. 6:16 Bring a couple of everything that you want to keep alive, and I shall serve up everything else with drawn butter."
6:17 And this, the Anticrust did. 6:18 The Anticrust also brought lots of food on board, as he didn't want the toast boat to be eaten. 6:19 And somehow, mosquitos managed to sneak on board too. 6:20 And they managed to hide so well, that they weren't slapped during the voyage.
7:1 The Anticrust was six hundred years old when the butter started to pour from the heavens. 7:2 For forty days and forty nights, butter continued to fall from the sky. 7:3 And in the first few days, many died of heart attacks and other cholesterol related problems. 7:4 And after several more days had passed, none could live on the land. 7:5 The flood continued on the earth for forty days. 7:6 As the butter rose, the bread boat was lifted with it. 7:7 The butter rose until it covered even the greatest mountains. 7:8 Everything on dry land that couldn't breath butter died out. 7:9 Only the Anticrust, and those that were brought on the bread boat survived.
8:1 The butter maintained its crest above the earth for one hundred and forty days. 8:2 And then the Toast remembered about his little temper tantrum. 8:3 And the Toast pulled the stopper out of the great cosmic plughole. 8:4 And it took a few days for the butter level to subside. 8:5 And the Anticrust woke one morning, and saw that the ground was visible. 8:6 And so, the Anticrust waited for the cosmic clean up crew to finish washing the butter off of the earth. 8:7 For butter can be sticky at times. 8:8 Then the Anticrust opened up the bread boat, 8:9 and he released all of the animals, and when he saw the mosquitos, he tried to sway them, but they got away. 8:10 And the Toast said, 8:11 Never again will I flood the earth with butter, 8:12 For there is such a thing as too much butter; 8:13 And that is something that shouldn't be inflicted on anyone.
9:1 The Toast blessed the Anticrust, and said to him: "Better crack open the people factories, because you've got an entire planet to fill." 9:2 And then the Toast said lots of other stuff, but the Anticrust got bored with all of the legal terminology, and wasn't paying attention. 9:3 Now, the Anticrust, a man of many pursuits, first planted a vineyard so that he could start up a nice winery. 9:4 And he pressed his first bottle of wine. 9:5 He stored the wine in his cellar for several years. 9:6 Then he drank it, got drunk, and fell asleep naked in his tent. 9:7 (Yes, his tent had a cellar.)
10:1 While the Anticrust slept, he had a dream. 10:2 When he awoke, he set to work making babies. 10:3 He powered up the people factories, and drafted many storks into service. 10:4 Many people came into being in those first few years, before the factories were destroyed in a freak accident involving a chicken. 10:5 The people vowed never to mention the dreaded chicken incident ever again.
11:1 At this point, everyone spoke the same language. 11:2 They sat down, and decided that they would build the world's largest toaster oven. 11:3 They hardened bricks of clay in their fiery ovens. 11:4 And they built the toaster oven in the middle of their city.
11:5 The Toast came down to see the city and oven that man had created. 11:6 And the Toast said: 11:7 "If they do this now, what is to stop them from thinking that they can great a slice of bread greater than I?" 11:8 The the Toast came down, and scattered them all over the world. 11:9 And the Toast confused their languages, so they could not speak with one another. 11:10 And that is why the plans from the people factories ceased to be comprehensible.
12:1 The Toast said to the Anticrust: "Go forth from the land of your kinsflonk to the land I will show you." 12:2 The Anticrust said, "I'd rather stay here with my kinsflonk." 12:3 The Toast then said, 12:4 "Fine, you can bring them with you, but you're changing their litter box." 12:5 They packed up all that belonged to them, and they travelled.
12:6 As they passed through alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk, the Toast came down to them and said, "This will be given to you and yours." 12:7 So the Anticrust placed a toaster there. 12:8 From there, they travelled eastward, by stages, to the land of alt.culture.egyptian.
12:9 There was famine in the land, so the Anticrust travelled to the capital. 12:10 Then the Anticrust said to Space Girl, "Tell not the Pharoah that your are the Associate Anticrust. 12:11 Rather, tell them that you are my sister. 12:12 The Toast has told me this in a dream, and I always listen to my Toast."
12:13 When they entered the capital, they were summoned by the Pharoah. 12:14 As they entered the palace, all of the electronic devices nearby blew up. 12:15 At this, the Pharoah said, "Why did you not tell my guards at the gate that you were the Associate Anticrust? 12:16 Here then is your gaseous cloud of positively charged ions from Aldebaaran. 12:17 Take her and be gone." 12:18 And then the Pharoah gave orders to his men that the Anticrust and his kinsflonk be escorted elsewhere.
13:1 From alt.culture.egyptian, the Anticrust travelled back to alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk. 13:2 The Toast said to the Anticrust, "Look around. 13:3 Everything you see, I give to you and your kinsflonk forever. 13:4 I will make your posts like the dust of the earth; if anyone could count the dust of the earth, your posts too might be counted." 13:5 The Anticrust pitched his tent, (the infamous one with the wine cellar). 13:6 The he placed another toaster as a sacrifice to the Toast.
The AntiCrust would like to thank Somebody, Disciple #8, who painstakenly
transcribed the first book of The Book of Toast from the piece of moldy toast upon which it was found. Please bear with us.
An extra slice of pie and cup of coffee are in order for Somebody...
¤ BOOK OF TOAST INDEX ¤ CONTACT ¤ WEESAUL WORLD, PLC ¤
