For the love of god someone come up with a better title for this page...
11-30-99
I played laser tag tonight! It was so much fun..so energizing..and now I'm drained! But there are upsides even to that, for I know that I will sleep well tonight.
*Chuckles* I think I used the word "shit" about five hundred times tonight..way more than I ever have in my life. Turn around the corner..."SHIT!"..then you're shooting someone while they shoot you..All in all, a fun time had by everyone involved.
11-29-99
Today, the snow stuck. The ground was covered in a fine layer of white dust, and the sidewalks and streets were coated in ice. At times like this, the byways and conveniences that we created to make our lives easier become far more dangerous than simply walking right across the grass again, like we would have without the streets. To save oneself from the risk of falling down, we can walk in the grass and be perfectly safe. I like the grass, and in the summer I'm a fan of walking through it barefoot. It tickles and makes my feet feel just generally good. A bit of an aside there, I know, but it makes me wonder that I walk in the grass (or snow) purposely in the summer and the winter but in the fall and spring I avoid the grass, sticking to the sidewalks, to keep from the mud. And what, really, is so wrong with mud? Doesn't matter what I do I'm gonna end up in the mud anyway..it's inevitable.. So why not just stick to the grass and the mud and the snow year round? I dunno, convenience. *shrugs* I'm rambling..but then again, I suppose that's what this page is for.
When this month is over, I think I'll start the page all over again, a clean slate. Don't worry, I'll keep a link up to this month..
11-27-99
I'm very, very glad that I can be there for people when they need me. And I am quite glad when people turn to me for help when they need it. Nothing makes me feel better than knowing that a person can trust me enough to come to me with their problems. And it makes me happy to know that people think I am a good enough friend that I will understand when they go a bit off the wacky end. People tend to take their emotions out on me. They know that I am a strong person. They know that I can take it. They know that I will understand that it is not really me that they are upset with, and that I will know that after the conversation is over, they will still be my friends.
Sometimes, however, I don't know that. Sometimes I don't know that it's not about me. And sometimes I can't apologize for other people. I think, perhaps, that someone (probably me) needs to take the time out to remember that I am a person too, that I have feelings, that I am important. I will always be there, but that doesn't mean I am always going to be supportive and perfect. Sometimes I just can't take all the world's bad emotions. Like all human beings, I have my flaws, and like all human beings, I deal with them one at a time. So when the pressures start to build...I blow like everyone else.
11-25-99
Thanksgiving is the time for giving thanks, obviously, and though it's clichéd over and over and over again, I'd like to take today's to write out a short list of things that I'm particularly thankful for right now. This will by no means be a comprehensive list, but they are things that are on my mind right now.
11-24-99
At some point in time everyone has to suck it up and accept it. I am sure that there is not a person on this planet who has not, at some point in time, had something happen that made them less than happy. I am sure that there is not a person on this planet who has not, at some point in time, been rejected on one level or another. If there has, then that person is in for a crushing feeling when he or she finally gets it.
And so we (the human race) put ourselves in these situations where we know we're only going to end up feeling worse, and we keep fighting it. And sooner or later we have to just suck it up and accept it. Only no one is really happy with that, are they? We can't just accept that. Something makes us sad so we have to mull over it, really beat it into the dirt until finally we've gotten so completely sick of it, let it rule our lives so completely over that we just collapse, dead to the earth, dead to the sky and the sun and we lie there and we think "What was I doing with my life?" and we cry. Well I refuse to do this, folks. I refuse to let my life be ruled by the past. I refuse to stumble over the small bits of life. I refuse to let anyone else decide for me whether I will be happy or sad. I refuse to get stuck.
I've sucked it up. Now I'm moving on.
11-23-99
There's an interesting tearing sensation that I sometimes get in conversations with certain people. Especially if I'm in the right frame of mind, sometimes some things people say make me want to say two things at once, or make me feel two things at once. And then, the scariest thing of all is when I realize that neither of the things that I feel is the right one, and that perhaps I am a fool. Or worse, perhaps I am a horrible person. But deep down, I know that I am not. I think. So I just pick a third option or choose to remain silent.
Damn, that was enigmatic.
11-21-99
In an infinite universe, with an infinity of length, space, and time, every
possible thing must have occurred, must be occurring, and must occur in the
future. Every possible version of this planet must occur. Perhaps the laws
of science, the very 'Logos' which describes the way our universe works remains
the same throughout, but every possible combination of realities would
otherwise have to take place. Every decision I make, every turn I take, every
word choice I choose, all of them must be taken on some other version of my
earth. Imagine how many earths exist in which I never was! Imagine how many
earths exist in which the human race never was!
In an infinite universe, with an infinity of length, space, and time, every possibility must have been fulfilled. My ideal life, fullfilling those dreams which I hold most true, those fantasies that I keep to myself, those crazy ideas that I shouldn't even think of, they must all come true on some earth. There must be some earth in which Adam Lugibill -- me -- is the happiest he could possibly be, in which he leads the most wonderful life possible.
I say...why not assume that reality is this one? I mean really, why shouldn't I? Why couldn't it be? If every decision I make is leading towards that goal..then shouldn't I be happy? Now equipped with that knowledge that ultimately I'll be as happy as I ever could be, then every decision I make should just make me happier and happier! Every event that occurs, every experience good or bad will just make me happier..because ultimately I'll arrive at the pinnacle, most excellent possible life that I could ever hope for.
Now it's just a matter of convincing my brain.
11-20-99
In my life, I have read a lot of comic books. Wonderful pieces of literature,
these, with some universal themes that apply well to life. One of these is,
of course, that every hero, every villain, every person great or small, has a
weakness, some flaw that can be capitalized upon by his or her enemy. Some
are quite obvious and quick to catch, such as Superman's kryptonite, or the
vampire's stake to the heart. Other such weaknesses are less immediately
obvious, as is the case with a hero such as Spider-Man, who is all too human.
Real people are much like this, with real weaknesses, and real disadvantages.
I have a kryptonite, I am sure I have several. I can only embrace one at a
time though, and tonight I've thought of one in particular. One thing I
cannot deal with is screaming.
For anyone who has ever gotten into an argument with me, as I'm sure you've noticed, I tend to keep a very level head and try to keep my voice at a minimal level. Some people who get into fights get very frustrated with this, especially if they happen to be yelling at me at the time. I tend to try and keep emotionally neutral..but when screaming and yelling starts, I fold. I will do almost anything to make it stop. I am unable to deal with it. Even if I hear it in the background, even if it's only something that I'm remotely involved in, I cannot deal with it. The background reasons? Well, I should think they'd be obvious..and frankly I don't feel like getting into them..
But perhaps you'd like an example..This summer I was driving with my mother and a couple other people, and I messed up somehow (funny, I don't even remember what I did) and my mom started yelling, sort of at me, because I had messed up. Now we were all safe..no one was hurt..and so I was saying to my mom "Please stop yelling," which just made her yell even more. And she kept saying "I'm not yelling" and I was like "Well it's over, I messed up, we're alive, let it go for now," and she was like "I'm just trying to tell you how to do it better next time," and I was just like "Well wait until we get home," or something, I don't remember exactly of course. But the bottom line is, literally all I could think about was getting home, getting out of the car, and never stepping foot into the driver's seat again, especially not if my mother was there. I just couldn't handle it, I seriously just wanted to pull over the car right there and walk home. I just buckled, man, there was nothing I could do. I know she was just trying to help me out, and I know she was just a little overtensed or whatever. And really, I'm not that bad a driver. But the yelling got me. Sometimes, I have been told, I look so small, I look like a child that needs comforted. The only time I feel this way is when there is yelling. It makes me want to curl up into a ball and just hide, as small as I can get. Except that I can never curl up tight enough to hide as well as I'd like to.
11-18-99
I could write volumes upon volumes of writings and never come close to
expressing the intensity and emotion behind the silence that accompanies the
truth.
11-17-99
I wrote this a while ago..sometime over the summer..and did nothing with it.
So here ya go..
Let's discuss something, shall we? I've got a problem. You see, everywhere I turn, people are asking me "Well, Adam, if you don't believe in God, what's the point of living?" or "If there is no life after death, what's the meaning of life?" or "Why go on?" or "Why ask why?" or "What's that guy's name who plays Brisco County Junior and Ash?"
Let me put your mind to ease. These are easy questions. People have been searching for the meaning of life for all eternity. It's something that links us all together, the eternal question: Why? It's that question which everyone seems to think needs to be answered. For some people, the meaning of life is to look for the meaning of life. To find the meaning of life you'd have to die first. Some people think the meaning of life lies within, or that the meaning of life is to serve God. Some people spend their lives searching for meaning, looking for what could possibly be the reason for this all. Here's a fresh thought..what if there was no meaning?
So far..so far we have two hypotheses. These two seem to be the only two that are imaginable. There is a meaning to life, or there isn't. Which is it? I guess we all have to decide that for ourselves. But really, let's look at this. The implications of the first hypothesis end up going like this...we spend our lives doing a multitude of things, each more amusing to ourselves than the last, but which one of them is necessary, really? Only the one which is what we are here for, that thing which is the meaning to our lives. So I will spend my life reading philosophy, teaching classes, writing things, listening to music, playing video games, eating Pop Tarts...I think you get the picture. And maybe the meaning of life is poison ivy. And I've never once had it. So my whole life, an entire..oh, let's say 125 years (optimism at its best), is wasted because never once did I get poison ivy. Oh, woe is me..
..wait, I'm listening. Poison ivy, you say. Pretty far fetched, you say. But how so? It's not that far out there...it could be anything, right? All we know is that there IS a meaning of life. Not that it is anything remotely sensible. And once we move on, we'll find out.
What if I knew, today, what the meaning of life were. And what if, for the sake of my own edification, it was Tool. Now day in and day out, all I would do would be to listen to Tool. I would skip meals, I wouldn't work, I wouldn't sleep or write or anything, I would merely sit on my bed and listen to Tool with my headphones on and with my eyes closed. No interaction with any other people..no meaningful existence, at least to society's standards. I would live, literally, for Tool. And surely I would die soon but my life would have been -sooooooo- meaningful (for the only meaning of life is Tool) that it would balance out. What if you found this out, tomorrow? What would you do? Would you listen to Tool forever? Or would you abandon the meaning of life and do your own thing? Would you find meaning in simply existing?
Do you want to know the meaning of life, then, if there is one?
Option two states that there is no meaning of life. The opposite extreme. Now we can do what we want for there are no consequences of our actions. When there is no meaning to anything we do, we do what pleases us the most. Who knows what this will be for most people?
Let me clue you in: This is how I live my life. I have no feeling that there is any meaning to life. I hold no candle up to a God in the hope that he will show me the way. I sit in my room and I type and I eat and I write and I wait for the next pleasurable experience and I enjoy it all. Even when I'm depressed as hell, there's a part of me that acknowledges that it could be worse. I could be dead.
And hey, maybe death is awesome, ya know? But I'm not dead, and I like life. "Life sucks." No it doesn't. Maybe certain situations that you are being placed in suck, but life doesn't. Life is neat. Life is fun. Life is flexible. Bend it, twist it. Break the rules. You are yourself and no one else.
Hell, for all I know, maybe that -is- the meaning of life. Maybe my existence is the meaning of life. Maybe I'm the focal point of the universe. Maybe my fingernail clippers should be sharpened once a fortnight.
As for your other question...Brisco County Junior and 'Ash' (Ashley) of Evil Dead 1, 2, and Army of Darkness, were both played by Bruce Campbell, who also helped produce, I do believe, Army of Darkness.
There ya go.
11-16-99
I live my life by a few simple rules and goals. Every day I have to check
myself to make sure that I am following them. It's usually a very difficult
task to keep myself in line, but I do what I can. These are in no particular
order so number one is no more important than number whatever else.
Number 1
Be outside at least one time a day. It's good to be outside, and very
beautiful. It makes my attitude better if I'm outside at least once or
twice. And I don't mean just for a few seconds to walk from this building to
the commons. I mean long enough to walk quite some ways. Going to class
counts. ;)
Number 2
Make someone's day better. I know that I am not responsible for
anyone's happiness, but it's good to be there for someone. If I can do
something to make someone else happier, or at least to make them feel that
their day was better, I want to do that. So I make it a goal.
Number 3
Write something. Anything at all, even e-mails that are more
meaningful than "Yeah, I agree." This journal thing has worked wonders for my
getting this goal accomplished.
Number 4
Do something selfish. This usually ends up being some video game
playing, but other days it's something different. Changes from time to
time.
Number 5
Be happy. This is a hard rule to follow, but in general I'm doing
better at following it. Staying happy works well unless I have to think
about uncool things. ;) Sometimes I have to though, and I don't need to be
happy all the time.
Enough for now. I'm sure there's other rules and goals...but this is enough for me for now.
11-15-99
I'm insane!!! Click me!
11-14-99
I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm going to do with myself in the
future, where I'm going to live, what I'm going to do for a living, how I'm
going to support myself, what I'm going to do after college...I mean there's
grad school but there's a good part of me that just doesn't want to go down
that road. I mean really the only reason I'd go to grad school is so I could
be a professor, and though I could definitely see myself doing that, I also
want to just be away from that. I don't want to just have to keep being..this.
I love learning, I love being a student, but it's not real. It's like I'm
doing this for a purpose. I'm actually quite disturbed at how quickly school
is going by. I'll be graduated before I know it..and it's absolutely essential
that I get to making my mind up like soon. Because if I don't get in gear and
start doing stuff to get into grad school, I'm going to have my mind made up
for me by not getting accepted anywhere anyway.
But on the bright side..I'm doing good in my classes, and I love philosophy. And I know that if I could work in a book store and just write on the side for the rest of my life, I might even be happy enough. So I think I'm good to go.
11/11/99
I purchased two comic books tonight at my local comic book store. Together,
they cost me around five dollars. Two little magazine style picture books,
chuck full of pretty colors and interesting characters. I brought them back
to my room, deposited them, and did my work.
It wasn't until later on in the evening that I decided to pick them up and read them. Now the thing you have to understand is that I was sitting on the bed at the time, and that someone was sitting on the bed with me, within inches of me. Normal enough situation for my room. ;) But at any rate, when I picked up that first comic book, it didn't take long before I had forgotten everything else. I didn't know that I was in my room, I didn't care. I didn't remember really that I was even sitting on my bed, let alone that there was someone within a scant few inches of me. That comic book was my world.
Now understand I am by no means trying to say that the comic book sucked me in. In fact, it was all me. I am just so drawn to comic books, I'm very drawn to the things that can be expressed in them. Plus I have an awful lot of history with Spider-Man, and so I see it the way some soap opera addict sees her..well, soaps.
I don't know where I'm going with this, and I'm kinda tired so..'night. ;)
11/10/99
My desk is cluttered with things. When it's this much clutter, that's
the only way to describe it. Most people think that I'm just messy, or I'm a
slob, or I'm sloppy, or whatever. In actuality, this is how I'm comfortable.
The floor, that's just a place to walk, that's why at least some of it has to
be clean. But my desk, that's my living space. And I get real lonely when my
living place is so sterile that I feel like it's..unlived in. I think it's a
product of having moved so many times in my life that I truly feel comfortable
in a room only once it feels like I have lived there for far longer than I
really have.
A definite product of this is that people feel comfortable in my room, even if it is messy. My sister has remarked upon this in the past, she says something along the lines of that I organize my room so well, that it just becomes very comfy. Fact of the matter is, I just make a room look like it's mine. I 'mark my territory,' as it were. And I like it that way. I don't want it to ever change.
I think my mother understand this, too, because she rarely ever asks me to clean my room except in jest or when it's become so bad that it's somehow embarassing to her. I really think that she knows that this is just my way of owning my room. Within minutes of coming home my room becomes a mess again. She surely notices this by now.
So this goes out to everyone out there who can understand where I'm coming from, to everyone who has four books, seventeen CDs, a water bottle, a paper towel roll, an empty tea bottle, some puzzle books, and some Magic: The Gathering cards on his or her desk. Shine on, my friends.
11/9/99
Oftentimes when I'm in the cafeteria, particularly when I'm waiting in line to
get food, I'll take time out and just listen, listen to the sounds that I will
be taking for granted in a matter of minutes. It's amazing, the human ear
just cannot differentiate between the dozens of different conversations, all
going on at once. In such a small cafeteria, in such a small room, there is
just too much at once for my brain to comprehend. And yet every now and then
a phrase might sneak through, just enough to make me remember that these
people are having their nightly routine just like I'm having mine. When we go
back to the table to eat, after having grabbed drinks and whatever various
things we might find along the way, my group of friends will engage in the
witty banter that characterizes us so well..and we'll forget about the fact
that there's probably a few hundred people eating with us. The background hum
of a thousand conversations at once will fade away. All will focus into one
little talk. It'll all repeat the next day of course..
11/8/99
Last night i was out walking and I noticed some startlingly purple flowers.
Purple is just one of those colors that really sticks out when you see it in
nature, especially when it's getting to be late and everything is in shades of
grey. I asked myself why I had not noticed them before, and was somewhat
frustrated at my own lack of observation, until I realized that it was not
along my usual path, and that I had fallen into such a routine in my daily
wanderings about campus that, if it hadn't been for this random walk, I might
never have seen these flowers.
Now obviously this would not be the end of the world. They're just flowers; I know this. However, it leads me to ask: if I've missed these flowers, what else have I missed?
This morning when I left for class, I took the same route as usual. On the way back from class, I took the same route as usual. Everything was beautiful, but it was all the same.
11/4/99
Eyes fascinate me. Eyes are simply physical, little lumps of flesh beneath
the brow ridge. And yet you can get lost in eyes. Sometimes they seem to
watch you no matter where you are. You can melt into eyes. You can swim in
eyes, unable to escape, forever. Eyes can be so beautiful that you can hardly
dare to look away. Eyes can reprimand, telling you that you've done wrong.
Eyes can sweep you up, into their gaze, holding you there until you don't let
go. Eyes can portray a jealousy, an attitude of control. Eyes can give the
secrets away. Eyes have a hard time lying. When I stare, when I'm stared at,
when I stare back, I know that I'm in trouble, because eyes are the ultimate
magnets. Thank god for eyelids. Thank god for blinking.
11/3/99
The first flakes of snow fell today, and as I walked along the busy sidewalks
of my campus, chilled to the bone, I found myself straining to see them, to see
the very first ones. My mind was occupied by nothing else. Before long the
flakes were coming faster and I could easily see the lot of them. As the flurry
came down around me, my mind returned to other things (like how cold I was) and
I moved on.
11/2/99
There's nothing to say. Nothing to think. My mind is a complete blank, an empty canvas. Somehow, I think right now that I'm supposed to be filled with emotions. So many things have happened lately, so many things to make me happy or sad, nervous or excited, worried or what have you. But in the end, I just come out me. Fine. Happy, in a way. Sad in another. Nothing more nothing less. I'm more or less just glad to be alive.
I've realized lately that every day of my life that passes by I'm becoming more and more existential. I don't know if that means a lot to anyone who might be reading this, but here's my basic thought behind this. Everything that happens makes me happy. Just the experience of what I'm doing is good enough for me. A while ago I joined a contest. Just a silly little thing where you fill out some survey and they pick a random one to win a prize. It was for a video game, Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver. Well I received an e-mail a few days later saying I had won, and that I should e-mail the person back with my address and I'd get the game in such and such a time. Well, I must tell you I was ecstatic! I had won! It was an incredible feeling, and I was oh so happy. Well, it's been well over a month now, and the game has not gotten here. Dan sometimes will ask me about that, like when do you think the game will get here? And the funny thing is, the last time he asked me I said, "It's funny, it doesn't even matter if I get the game now, because that moment when I received the e-mail saying I was a winner was reward enough for me." And it was, too. I could never get the game, and I'd be happy just knowing that I had won the contest, that I was not just the applicant, the guy who tried but really never got anywhere. I am Adam Lugibill, winner. And the physical reward is completely irrelevant...it's the emotional, mental feeling of accomplishment that mattered to me.
G'night, 'all. Hope you enjoy this new feature of my page.
11/1/99
I saw a dead man today. He was walking, talking, interacting with other people. For all intents and purposes, he was just like everyone else. Yet I have never seen a look of misery, of frustration and of agony quite like his. His face was a mask of desperation. You know, in all of my life interacting with people, forming my opinions, I had not examined this side of the issues.
It's funny. In a matter of weeks I saw a man go from being happy, positive, and outgoing to completely subdued and defeated. Something that I had seen only from the perspective of the "victim" I now see from the perspective of the "accused"..and it's just confusing. And I am going to write more about this later, because it's just too weird.
G'night, 'all.
