Gluttony: A Musical
(Ade and George come racing in Cafeteria, drooling)
Geo. Ah, the lunch line, and I’m first.
Ade. Ah, the lunch line, and I’m first.
Geo. You are not! I was here first!
Ade. No! I was!
Geo. Get out of my way, you monkey!
Ade. I am not a mon...Oh yeah, I am. (Slaps herself on forehead.)
Geo. Whatever. Just get out of my way!
Ade. Get out of mine!
Geo. That’s it! (Pushes Ade to the side)
(Ade stands there for a minute, calls on the Powers of Ugliness to make her strong, and shoves
George into the trash can. Sticks tongue out.)
Ade. The end. Click. (George stares angrily from trash.)
Geo. (to himself) You think you’ve won, but just wait...
Ade (from inside the kitchen) Ewwwwww! Burnt potatoes! Yucky, and no cheeseballs!
Geo. ....Just wait.....
(New scene: on other side of cafeteria)
(Megan sitting eating a tray covered with jello and chicken.)
(Heather walks in and sits down, carrying an apple)
Meg. Hi.
Hea. Are you gonna eat ALL that?
Meg. (with mouthful) Yeah. Want some?
Hea. Eww no! How can you eat that much?
Meg. A growing bacteria needs her nutrition.
(Continues eating)
Hea. Come on Megan, you can’t possibly need all that food and there are starving people in the
world. Besides, I hardly think that’s the healthiest food selection.
Meg. Well at least its more filling than a stupid piece of fruit.
Hea. I eat this everyday. And look at me, I’m fine.
Meg. You’re an anorexic skeleton!
Hea. You’re a glutton!
(tune: worship him and bless his name)
Stop all of you gluttons
Stop with your big eating
only eat nutra-sweet
feast on some red apples
or diet snapples
Or perhaps curds and wheat
Come all you big people
work with Richard Simmons
or try Jenny Craig today
Go on a diet
Go on and just try it
It’s better than curds and whey
Meg. Oh, and thin people have it better than gluttons? I don’t think so.
Hea. Did you know that there is enough food in the world to feed everyone, its just that some
people eat IT ALL!!!
Meg. NOOOO. Big, greedy corporate scumbags just hog it all in huge warehouses! The only
reason people don’t have enough is because they want to make money!
Hea. I’m not gonna sit here and watch you explode with all that. Good-bye! (leaves)
Meg. Fine. (Continues eating)
Scene: Megan’s Locker, next day 4th Period
Geo. Ahh ha ha ha. Sweet revenge. Ade’s locker, ha ha ha ha. Or is it Megan’s...? Oh well!
Sweet revenge. Ha ha ha ha!
Tune: Tis a gift to be simple
Tis a gift to have revenge
Tis a gift to be mean
Tis a gift to have a sheep’s liver
Heart and spleen
Tis a gift to be ugly
Tis a gift to be cruel
And of that monkey
I will make her a fool
Glue-hoo,
will go into her food
This act of sabotage
Will be construed
As amusing and funny
For all who see
Her jaw stuck together
By way of me
Geo. Hee hee hee.
(Puts glue in Megan’s yogurt and exits scene)
(Enter Megan)
Meg. Mmm, lunch. I’m starved! (Drools. Takes out lunch bag.)
Scene: Cafeteria 5 minutes later
(Enter Heather)
(Megan puts spoonful of yogurt in mouth. Heather notices that she can’t chew.)
Hea. Are you okay?
Meg. Mmm... mmph. MMMH!
Hea. If there’s something wrong, tell me! You aren’t still mad at me, are you?
Meg. (Shakes her head wildly no) Mmm!
Hea. (Starts to laugh) You can’t open your mouth, can you? (Laughs wildly. Megan glares) See!
I told you not to eat so much! Ha ha, it serves you right! (Sees that Megan is in Homicide Mode.)
Here, you want to go.. tee hee.. to the nur....tee hee...se. (Cracks up.)
Meg. (Gets up and hits her on the head, then drags her down to the nurse’s office.)
Scene: Nurse’s office
(Enter Megan and Heather)
Hea. Excuse me ma’am, but we have a slight...um... emergency here. (Giggles. Megan stomps
impatiently.)
Nur. What’s wrong with you?
Hea. Not me! Her!
Nur. Okay, what’s wrong with you then?
Meg. Mmm mmm mmmph!
Nur. Excuse me?
Hea. Her mouth is glued shut.
Nur. Oh right. We get that all the time. Come with me. (Takes Megan to the back room and has
her lie down on bed. Carries hacksaw) Now if you don’t move this won’t hurt. One little boy
who was afflicted squirmed and squirmed. I tried...oh how much I tried. (Sighs. Cheerfully) Hey!
Do you want to see his tongue? He let us keep it.
Meg. MMMMM!!
Hea. Don’t be a baby Megan! Appreciate your school nurse. Don’t you remember school nurse’s
day?
Tune: America the Beautiful
School nurse’s Day
School nurse’s Day
How gladly we adore
Your skillful skill
Gives me a thrill
When I look at death’s door
Every time I come to this
Place of misery
School Nurse’s Day
School Nurse’s Day
Oh, can’t you hear us screee-(Megan screams)
Meg. MMMMMM!! (Nurse moves in with hacksaw. Messes around in Megan’s mouth with
hacksaw like brushing her teeth.)
(Fade out)
Next Scene: Outside the cafeteria
Meg. (To herself) I know that Heather put the glue in my yogurt just to teach me not to be a
glutton. (To Heather) Hey Heather, could you come here a second.
Hea. Yeah, sure.
Meg. (Reaches over and slams Heather’s face into a pole)
Hea. Malapropismist lunatic !
Meg. How dare you call me that! You malformed anachroniac!
Hea. A malformed what?!
Meg. Arrggggghhhh! (Slams her face into pole again.)
Hea. OWWWW! Stop it! Hellllllpppppp! A mad bacteria is trying to kill me!
Meg. Come back here, you ignoramus!
Hea. Help! (Runs straight into truck. Gets run over.)
Car. SQUISH!
Scene: The next day at the cafeteria
Meg. I can’t believe I killed Heather! Sorta. What could of I’ve been thinking of? What could
have got into that squishy head of mine?
Tune: Camp Town Races
What got in this head of mine
(Cafeteria: Squishy! Squishy!)
Though I admit I’m not Einstein
(Cafeteria: Squishy all the day!)
Chorus: My heads still squishy
and Heather I did kill
And she didn’t accomplish much
I’m a glutton still
(Cafeteria: GLUTTTONNN SSTTILLL!)
ALL: GLUTTON!
(Everyone takes a huge bite of their lunch.)
Curtain falls
Interlude
(For all you morons out there who don’t know what an interlude is, it is a pause in a musical or play for the actors to rest
and change costumes.)
Tune: This is Halloween
Cafeteria People dressed like junk food (Chorus):
Boys and girls of every age
Would you like to see something strange?
Come with us and you will see
Megan Numbad's Gluttony
This is Gluttony
This is Gluttony
Edibles to eat at lunch
This is Gluttony
This is Gluttony
We have lots of things to munch
Eat our food
Everybody see
Megan Numbads’s Gluttony
Ade:
I am the one who started this all
Ugly face and 3 feet tall
Julie:
I am the one without lines in this
I’m here today, although I’m pissed
This is Gluttony
This is Gluttony
Everyone is big and fat
This is Gluttony
This is Gluttony
Julie:
Say, will you be eating that?
It’s our play
Everybody eat
Gluttony is really neat
Megan:
I am the one whose mouth was glued
The moment I ate my glutton food
Noir Oveja:
I am the one who no one knows
I have few friends but many foes
This is Gluttony
This is Gluttony
Gluttony Gluttony
Gluttony Gluttony
(Musical Ending)
Curtain reopens
Scene: The next day at the cemetery
Priest. May Heather go in peace.
All. The End.
Ade. Click!
Priest. Come on everybody! Lets go to the funeral picnic!
All. Yay! (Stampede to the lined up picnic.)
Meg. At least Heather died for the good of my stomach.
All. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. (Storm clouds blow over. Mist rolls in. Lighting crashes)
Ade. Bang! Crash! A lightning flash! Well that’s another story, never mind, anyway...
Priest. Huh?
Ade. Huh?
Hea. (Ghost) Huh?
All Except Megan. Ahhh! A ghost!
Meg. (Still eating) Chomp. Chomp. Chomp.
Hea. (Ghost) Be warned all you gluttons. For every bite you eat of this food, shall only make you
what your worst nightmare is to become!
Ade. Oh no! We all know what that is...
Meg. (Food smeared all around her mouth.) Huh?
Next scene: Megan’s Kitchen a day later.
Meg. (Shoving food in her mouth and crying) Oh my God, I’m anorexic!
Hea. (Ghost) Hah! Hah! Hah!
Meg. (Shoves her into a pole.) Shut up!
Hea. Hey!
(Tune: See My Vest or Be My Guest)
Some girls eat for fun
Others eat like cats
The only thing I’m eating for
Is to become a little fat
See my legs
See my legs
They look like thin wooden pegs
See my feet
They’re so weak
Now can barely cross the street
See my head
Which I once fed
When I weighed more than the bed
This small tummy
used to be the home of everything so yummy
Purple grapes
Tasty crêpes
And the last cake batter scrapes
Eggs au gration
They’re forgotten
Tastes rotten
I was fat and large
As big as a barge
Now I’m thin
Now I’m thin
Now I’m thin! (breaks down crying)
Cafeteria Chorus:
Liked my blubber
Bounced like rubber
So that I looked like some flubber
But my anorexic life shall now begin
I used to be so thick
Now I’m small as a stick
Now I’m thin
Now I’m thin
Now I’m thin! (continues crying)
Curtain closes
Cafeteria Chorus:
That’s the end!
Ade.
Click!
The End
(Click)
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