Greed: A Musical

Royal Shepherds:
Meganfoolli the OOO: The Greedy Queen of the Bacteria
Heatherfreakygeorgelovergirl the III:The Greedy Queen of Russian Spys
Ade Bob Wisehorn Evens Conway: The Greedy Queen of the Faeries
Julie of WADE: The Greedy Queen of the Music World and of Hell
Sarah Hanson: The Greedy Queen of the Hansonites
Jezebel: The Greedy Queen of Jezreel and of Purgatory

Royal Non-Shepherds:

Ade’s Coat: The Greedy Ruler of Ade’s Coats, Husband of Megan
Leo: The Greedy King of Bread, Husband of Heather
Andy: The Greedy Invisible King of the Faeries, Husband of Ade
Danny Elfman: The Greedy King of Hell, Husband of Julie
Taylor Hanson: The Greedy King of the Hansonites, Husband of Sarah
Jehu: The Greedy, Horrible, Murderous King of Isreal, enemy of Jezebel
Black Sheeps: The mean followers of Jehu

Non-Mortals

Smoke God: God’s best friend, lives in the chimney
Little Ghost: A small, cute, polite ghost
Fred: A yodeling monster under Megan’s bed
Elmira: A psychopathic, young faerie who loves Jehu
Golden sheep: A sheep with golden wool who lays chocolate eggs
Little Old Lady: A Little Old Lady

Act One

Scene: A meadow of Sheepsvania

(Enter Hea., Meg., Ade, and Sar., shepherding their flocks of sheep)
Hea. I can’t believe that I retired at fifteen! What came over me?
Meg. Sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. I was there, remember?
Hea. Yeah, but still, Sheepsvania is a very cool country. I can’t believe I just handed over the Queenship.
Sar. You’re stupid.
Ade. No, I’m stupid!
Sar. Prove it.
Ade. Okay (Hits herself over the head with a raw egg) There! See?
Meg. That wasn’t stupid. Everyone knows that raw egg is good for your hair.
Ade. Dang it!
Hea. Hey! Pay attention to me!
Meg. No! We’re too busy staring at Ade.
Ade. Yeah! (Sticks out her tongue) Teacher.
Hea. Take that back!
Ade. No! You’re intelligent!
Meg. Ummm, if she was intelligent, why would she have given away her throne?
Ade. Fine. I guess she’s not intelligent.
Meg. Yeah. But I wish I was. (Every gives a gasp of horror) Not the dumb kind of school intelligence. Wisdom intelligence. (Everyone but Ade relaxes)
Ade. What’s so great about wisdom?
Hea. It, along with smartness, are the only kinds of mental enhancement that we tolerate. They don’t require memorizing useless facts...
Meg. Or learning how to conjugate verbs...
Sar. Or studying stupid geometry figures.
Meg. I meant the kind of wisdom that would help improve my sheep. I just wish I had a better flock. It seems that more and more of you guy’s sheep are doubling and tripling every day, but mine are just dwindling till they get smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and smaller..
Ade. (Getting excited and louder every syllable) And smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller....
Meg. ...Just like you!
Ade. ....Just like me!
Both.
Tune: How much is that doggy in the window

Who is that girl smaller then Leo,
the one in the fertile meadow?
Oh, why is she just 4.1 inches?
And why, oh why don’t she grow?

Meg.
Tune: Alluetta

She’s a monkey
a dumb disgusting monkey
she’s addicted
to sweet sugar cane

She’ll eat dirt and weeds and grass
Ade.
I’ll eat dirt and weeds and grass
Meg.
Weeds and grass
Ade.
Weeds and grass
Meg.
Broken glass?
Ade.
Not broken glass.
Both. (Yelling)
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

We are stupid
dumb and useless queens
We make people sick
and do magic
Nothing matters
Ade.
Except my bladder
Meg.
But I’m bored so
let’s end this song real quick

Hea. So, now what?
(Enter a golden sheep)
Gol. Baaaaa.
Meg. My God! Think of the high-quality meat that baby would have.
Hea. Think of the underwear I could knit!
Sar. Think of the money I could make!
(Sheep squats down and lays a chocolate egg)
Ade. Think of the chocolate I could eat!
All. I want that sheep!

Act Two

Scene: Megan’s castle

Meg. (Sitting on her bed in her room. A large fire is going and their is a large assortment of cheese in the far end of the room) I really want that sheep! Why can’t I have it?
(Voice comes down from the chimney)
Voice. Maybe that’s because you’re too greedy.
Meg. Ahhh! Who’s there?
(Enter Smoke God, covered in soot with really white skin and dressed like a Hindu God)
Smo. Hi, I’m Smoke God, the god of smoke.
Meg. Obviously.
Smo. I’m God’s best friend in the whole world.
Meg. Why are you telling me this?
Smo. (Oblivious) I’m the most powerful person on earth, and I choose to stick my well groomed nose into other peoples business.
Meg. Okay, that’s it. (Calls on her bacteria forces to send Smoke God out of her room. Smoke God just stands there talking about himself, unaware anything is happening. Megan thinks for a second and calls on her bacteria to bring out a virus from the royal vault. They bring it and Megan goes over to Smoke God and blows it in his face.)
Smo. Wha...(Achoo!)..What happened?
Meg. You wouldn’t listen, so I gave you a cold.
Smo. What? That is so rude! I just have to complain! (Yells) Little Ghost!!
(Enter Little Ghost)
Lit. Yes, what ‘tis it?
Smo. This bacteria is rude!
Lit. Madam, I do believe that being rude ‘tis a very horrendous thing indeed.
Meg. Yeah? Well, that’s your problem.
Lit. How rude!
Meg. Thhhuuubbb!
Lit. That’s mean! I’m leaving!
(Exit Little Ghost)
Smo. Now see what you’ve done. I’m almost tempted not to give you advice on your situation!
Meg. What advice?
Smo. (Gets flustered) Aht! Can’t you just wait patiently for the cool poem advice?
Meg. Teeellllll meee!!!
Smo. Fine!

Get thee to the golden wood
And seek thee out the King and Queen
each the other does no good
But take care. Do not be seen
by Elmira, or else the worst
shall fall upon your greedy plan
You’ll get the sheep or the curse
Get to Jezebel and the Jehu man!

Smo. Now go to the wood! (Throws a piece of charcoal at her)
Meg. Sheesh! I’m going, I’m going.
(Exit Meganfoolli, Exit Smoke God into chimney, Enter Heather)
Hea. I know that Meganfoolli has that sheep here somewhere, that greedy jerk! (Begins to search through stuff, and peeks under the bed)
Voice. Hello. Who are you?
Hea. AHHHH! Monsters!
Voice. I’m just one monster, not a whole group of them!
Hea. I’m sorry, monster.
Voice. And my name’s not monster; It’s Fred.
Hea. Hi, Fred. Why are you under Megan’s bed?
Fred. I live here. Megan let’s me stay so as long as I don’t yodel while she’s around.
Hea. You yodel?
Fred. All the time. Unfortunately, most people can’t stand to listen to me and spontaneously combust when they hear my beautiful voice.
Hea. That’s horrible! If it’s that bad, why do you sing around people in the first place?
Fred. I can’t help but do so. It’s my nature. I used to live out in the forest but I could never tell when a traveler might come along and hear me. I was always afraid to sing and got very sad. One day Megan was hiking along and she found me and invited me to live under her bed, but only with the agreement that I just told you. I was getting ready to sing now when you popped in. Good thing you looked under, huh?
Hea. Yeah. Speaking of nothing, where’s Megan?
Fred. I heard her talking to some guy about finding a sheep.
Hea. (excitedly) Was it a golden sheep?
Fred. Don’t remember, sorry. But I do remember that he told her to go inside the woods to find Jezebel and Jehu.
Hea. Hump! If she thinks that she’ll get the sheep first, she’s got another thing coming!
(Exit Heather, Exit Fred under bed)

Act Three

Scene: Outside Megan’s castle

(Enter Megan for a few minutes. Exit Megan. Enter Heather. Exit Heather. Enter Ade and Sarah.)
Ade. Why are we following her?
Sar. So we can find where the sheep is.
Ade. And why am I with you instead of looking for the sheep?
Sar. Because we can both get what we want togeather better than we can apart. I’ll show off the sheep to travelers at a freak show and you can keep fifty percent of the chocolate eggs it lays.
Ade. Fifty percent! Hah! I want a hundred percent!
Sar. But I need that fifty percent to sell to the public as curiosities!
Ade. If you want to sell curiosities, sell a picture of Hanson and tell everyone they’re male!
Sar. Why you little...
Ade. I want my chocolate, and if you won’t give it to me, then I’ll find the sheep myself! (Runs off into forest)
Sar.
Tune: Mr. Zebra

Hello, Isolation
Can I have a minute to myself self self
to think of wealth wealth wealth
Queen Meganfoolli and Ade
want all the gold chocolate eggs
and that golden wool to get overwhelmingly paid

Hello, Greedy people
ran into some confusion with a Mrs. Hansonite nite nite
Now I know the way is clear
I must get away from here
with that golden sheep that will blow your mind

(Somewhere music comes floating out over the trees)
Figure it out! I’m a greedy queen and I will fight with hansons might for that money Figure it out! I’m greedy and mean And I will win again and again cause I’m so greedy
(Somewhere in the woods comes a lone baaa)
Sar. I’m coming, oh supplier of money! Just wait for Taylor to see what I brought him tonight!
(Exit Sarah into the woods)

Scene: A castle in the woods
(Enter Megan)
Meg. How come I’ve never seen this place before. Ohhhh, I want to own this so bad....
(Enter Queen Jezebel, may God bless her soul)
Jez. This? I currently own this place! Why do you want it so bad?
Meg.
Tune: Mexican Hat Dance

I want
I want
I want
your castle and the sheep
I want
I want
I want
those things for me to keep

Because I am so greedy
And you know that I am
I really want all these things
the castle and the lamb!

Jez. That song was very interesting, but IT DIDN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!!
Meg. What was the question in the first place?
Jez. I asked why you wanted the castle so bad.
Meg. I don’t know, I’m just greedy.
Jez. Oh well, so what brings you here?
Meg. I’m on the quest for the golden sheep. Do you know where it is?
Jez. Yep.
Meg. You do?!
Jez. Yep. But unfortunately you won’t be able to get it.
Meg. Why?
Jez. Because my enemy, Jehu, owns the sheep. I could easily obtain it for you if he wasn’t there to stop me.
Meg. Well, do you know how I can get it?
Jez.

If you wish to have the sheep to keep
You must make the faithful leap
to the house of Jehu’s own
then you must stay all alone
and look around and find
Elmira, and leave her there behind
Bring her there by tonight in an hours time
and you shall have, I promise thee
a sheep as perfect as sheep can be
Jez. Now back to the wood!
(Exit Meg. to forest)

Scene: The woods

Meg. Why is it that the only thing I can do is the thing I’m forbidden to do?
(Enter Ade) Hi, Ade. Why do you look so P.O.’d?
Ade. Stupid Sarah won’t make a deal with me to share the chocolate eggs of the golden sheep when we find it! I just thought to get it myself but I can’t find it!
Meg. I know where it is, and if you’ll help me, I’ll let you keep all the chocolate eggs it lays.
Ade. Okay! What do I do? (Meg whispers something to her)

Act Four

Scene: An overgrown part of the woods

(Enter Ade)
Ade. Why in the world would Megan tell me to find Elmira? I didn’t even know that she knew that Elmira existed!
(Enter Elmira)
Elmi. Why are looking for me, Queen of the faeries? Did you think I’d forget that you banished me from Faerieland in the first place?
Ade. You greedy woman! You polluted our land with soap and Swiss cheese! We had the right to force you away from our fair haven of the fey!
Elmi. That maybe so, but you have not answered my question, oh queen. Why do you seek me?
Ade. The Queen of the Bacteria requires for me to place you in a castle for a magic spell to be completed.
Elmi. Whose castle?
Ade. Jehu’s.
Elmi. Jehu’s? (Swoons. Love Music plays) Oh, how I love Jehu! His cruel smile.... His evil ways.... His...
Ade. Enough already! Will you go or won’t you?
Elmi. I shall, but only for Jehu’s sake.
Ade. Good!
(Exit both)

Scene: Jezebel’s castle
(Enter Heather and Sarah)
Hea. Wow! This place is beautiful!
Sar. Yeah, but it needs more pictures of Hanson in it.
Voice. Hanson? Who wants Hanson?
Hea. Who’s there?
(Enter Julie and Danny Elfman)
Jul. Who needs Hanson when you have the king of Hell and of the music world as your lord and husband?
Dan. Yeah. I love you, Julie.
Jul. I love you, huggybun.
Hea. I feel sick.
Jul. So, anywho, why are you here?
Sar. We’re looking for the golden sheep.
Hea. Yeah, have you seen him?
Jul. Only the Queen of Purgatory, Jezebel, knows where it is and she’s left the palace.
Sar. Why would she want to?
Jul. I think she said something about unfinished business, but I’m not sure.
Hea. Well, can we stay till she comes back?
Dan. Sure. Come this way, please.
(Walks to curtain covered door. Pulls back curtain to reviel Ade’s Coat, Leo, Andy, and Taylor all playing poker.)
Leo. Hi!
Hea. Ah, my love! I thought that I wouldn’t see you again.
Leo. Why? I left your castle two days ago. You were happily shepherding when I left.
Hea. Well, you could help us shepherd some time too. We’re not the only people capable of taking care of sheep. Sarah even combs hers.
Leo. Where is Sarah, anyways?
Sar. Over here. (She’s sitting on Taylor’s lap, feeding him Steroid Grapes)
Hea. Mmmmm, steroid grapes. Can I have some?
Tay. Sorry, too greedy.
Hea. Dang. So, anywho, why don’t you help us shepherd tomorrow after I find the golden sheep?
Leo. Sorry, babe, but we’re all going over to France to get drunk.
Hea. What! Why didn’t you invite me?
Jul. We were to greedy to buy you a ticket.
Hea. Maybe, but still...
Jul. Sorry. But we have to go. Ciao.
(Exit all but Sarah and Heather)
Hea. (Sigh) I guess we should continue our hunt.
Sar. (Whimpering) Taylor, come back to me...

Scene: Jehu’s Castle of Evil

(Enter Ade and Elmira, with Megan peeking in from behind a crack in the wall)
Ade. Good. Empty as I had planned.
Elmi. Why am I here?
(Enter Jehu and his court of Black Sheeps)

Sheeps.
Tune: Hail to the Chief

Hail to Jehu
in all of his glory
Hail to Jehu,
may his greediness prevail

Jehu.
Here I come now
all bloody and gory
so hail to me
with my breath bad and stale

Ade. Oh, no!
Jehu. What is the meaning of this?
Ade. Um...we come to bring you...um...a....
Elmi. A present! Yeah, a present, for your mighty grace.
Jehu. Well, I’m an impatient and greedy king, so tell me; what is it?
Elmi. (Jumping on his lap) Me!
Jehu. Ahhhh! Help! She’s attacking me!
Elmi. (Starts smothering him with kisses) Make love, not war.
Jehu. Off! I could never love you! I could never love anyone!
Voice. That’s true. (Everyone looks over to the doors of the palace. Enter Jezebel)
Tune: Angry Johnny

Jehu, angry Jehu
This is, this is
Jezebel in Hell
I want to kill you
I want to blow you, away
I want to kill you
I want to blow you, away

I can kill you gently
I can do it with an animals graces
I can do it with persision
I can do it with gourmet taste
But either way, either, oh either way
I want to kill you! I want to blow you away

I can do it to to your mind
I can do it to your face
I can do it with integrity
I can do it with disgrace
But either way, either way
I want to kill you, I want to blow you away

Jehu, Angry Jehu
This is, this is, Jezebel in hell
Jehu, Jehu, Angry Jehu
This is Jezebel in hell

I can kill you in a church
I can kill anytime or place
I can do it like an angel
to quiet down your rage

But either way, either, either way
I want to kill you,
I want to blow you, away

I can kill you in the water
I can kill you on dry land
I can do it with instruments
I can do it with my own bare hands
But either way, either way, you know where it stands
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you away

Jehu, angry Jehu
This is Jezebel in hell
Jehu, oh my Jehu

Where’d my pleasure go
when the pain went through me
where’d my happiness go
this force is running me around now
getting me down now
where’d my pleasure go, Jehu
where did my pleasure go now

Jehu, Angry Jehu
This is Jezebel in Hell
Jehu, Angry Jehu
This is Jezebel in Hell
Jehu, I want to blow you, Oh Jehu, Away
I want to kill you
Is there anybody here who doesn’t feel okay?
Jehu?

Jehu. Seize them!

Act Five

Scene: Outside the Castle next to the woods

(Enter Heather and Sarah. Megan stands staring into the crack in the wall)
Hea. Megan? Is that you?
Meg. Ahhh! Shhhhh! They might hear us.
Hea. Who?
(Enter Jehu and his Black Sheeps)
Jehu. I knew that we had trespassers! Catch them! (Guards catch Heather and Sarah, but Megan turns back into a bacteria and disappears) Dang!
(Looks over at Sarah and Heather) But I think that she’ll come back for you. Heh heh heh.
(Exit all, Reappear Megan)
Meg. Dang it! Now what am I gonna do?
(Enter Julie and Danny Elfman)
Meg. Hey, I thought you two were in France.
Jul. We were, but then your friend, Leo...
Meg. He’s not my friend.
Jul. Anyway, Leo got so drunk he started singing a duet with Hanson in a really loud voice and we were embarrassed to be seen with him so we left.
Meg. Good. Now you can help me.
Jul. With what?
Meg. My friends are the prisoners of Jehu inside the castle, but unfortunately, I can’t go inside and rescue them because I’m forbidden to be seen by Elmira the faerie.
Dan. May I try something?
Meg. Certainly.
Jul. Don’t hurt yourself, hunnybunch.
Dan. Don’t worry. (Goes inside the castle. A loud fight is heard. Jezebel is seen running out. She doesn’t turn back. Danny comes back outside with a black eye) Seems there’s more inside than I expected.
Meg. Great, now what do we do?
Jul. Well, what do you think will hurt him?
Meg. Wait a minute! I have an idea. (Whispers to Julie and Danny)
Jul. Okay. Come on, Loveypoodle.
Dan. Where are we going?
Jul. We’re going to France!

Scene: Inside Jehu’s castle

(Everyone is sitting around the fireplace. Ade, Sarah, and Heather have their hands tied up. Elmira is completely covered with iron chains head to toe)
(Ade, Sarah, and Heather)

tune: Alah (Or whatever it’s called)

This shepherd and that shepherd are sitting by the fire
and then Jehu come and say “I’m gonna set your sheep on fire”
Talking ‘bout Jehu
Black Sheep.
Jehu
A.S.& H.
Jehu
Black Sheep.
Jehu
A.S.& H.
Jehu the Killer.
Who likes Jehu? Who who who?
Jehu the killer.

Elmi. I like Jehu!
All. Shut up!
Sar. Yeah, you’ve been droning on and on about that guy all night! What the heck’s wrong with you?
Hea. Yeah! You’re beginning to sound like Sarah! Elmi. I can’t help it. I love Jehu and everything about him. From his muscular arms to handsome face to his gorgeous...(Continues talking)
Hea. So, Ade, what are we gonna do?
Ade. I don’t know. What do you want to do?
Hea. I don’t know. What do you want to do?
Ade. I asked first!
Hea. So? I asked last! Ade. That doesn’t matter! I wanna know what we’re gonna do!
Elmi. ...And will you look at his biceps! Their like big, bulging melons ripening under a golden sun, and his hair! Oh, it’s like a field of wheat rippling in the breeze....
Ade. Oh great! Now I’m hungry!
Jehu. Well, too bad, cause your not gonna get any food at all!
Ade. What? I’m so insulted! I’m tempted to call up Andy and tell him that...
Hea. Um, Ade? Andy’s in France with all the rest of our husbands.
Ade. Dang.
Sar. So, what are we gonna do now?
Jehu. Die.

Act Six

Scene: Outside Jehu’s castle

Meg. (looks through crack) Oh my gosh! He’s tied them up over a pool of boiling lava! I have to save them, curse or no curse!
(Enter golden sheep)
Gol. Baaaaaa
Meg. I...have...to...saaavvvv...(Starts drooling) Oh, who am I kidding? Life isn’t more important then greed! Especially my greed! (Runs after golden sheep)
(Enter Julie and Taylor Hanson)
Jul. Hey Megan, I brought Taylor for you....Hey! Where’d she go?
Tay. I don’t know. What am I doing here anyway? I want to go back to France and finish my duet!
Jul. The duet sucked! Besides, Megan said...(Screams come from inside the castle) Oh my God! They need help now! Come on! (Run into castle and see them all tied up) Sing! For the love of Danny Elfman, sing with all your might!
Tay. Oh, isn’t it weird? Oh, isn’t it... (Jehu and the Black Sheep start gagging and choking)
Jul. Keep on singing!
Tay. Mmmmbop, there are so many relationships in life....
Jehu. Stop! (gag) Please! I beg (choke) of you! Cease this eternal torture!
Jul. Okay. Taylor, shut up!
Tay. Don’t tell me to shut up or I’ll...
Hea. Help!
Jul. Come on! (Goes and sets free Heather, Sarah, Ade, and Elmira)
Hea. Okay, so what are we gonna do with Jehu?
Ade. It has to be a diabolical punishment. One that even the bravest man would shiver after hearing.
Sar. I know! Let’s give him to Elmira!
Jehu. NOOOOOOOO!!! For the love of cheese, no!
Elmi. Oh, thank you! (Drags clawing Jehu out of the castle)
(Enter Jezebel and Smoke God, wearing a Hawaiian shirt)
Jez. Hah hah! We’re off to Hawaii to give Pele back her cassorole dish. Bye.
All. Have fun.
(Exit Jezebel and Smoke God)
Hea. So, where’s Megan?
(Enter Megan, carrying the golden sheep)
All. (Outraged) You caught the golden sheep? How dare you?
Meg. Well...
(Enter Elmira)
Elmi. Sorry, but I forgot my purse. Hey, who are you?
Meg. Ahhhh! The curse! (Drops sheep, which runs away) Come back! (Runs after it)
Jul. Huh?
Dan. Oh well, lets go back to the pasture and feed the sheep.
Jul. We’ll take care of the black sheeps in here.
Sar. Yeah, and me and Taylor want to see if the wool supply is still good. Come on, baby.
Tay. Oh boy!
(Exit all)

Scene: A meadow of Sheepsvania

(Everyone is pasturing their flocks. Sarah and Taylor are sneaking kisses, and Julie and Danny are whispering sweet nothings into each others ears. Enter Megan, looking sad)
Hea. Why do you look so depressed?
Meg. I chased that dang sheep all across the country! I finally had it trapped in my bedroom when Fred started practicing his yodeling! The sheep didn’t have a chance. Thankfully I’m used to bad music, so I didn’t spontaneously combust like I was supposed to.
Sar. Pity you didn’t.
Meg. Shut up. I miss that sheep!
(Enter Leo, Andy, and Ade’s Coat)
Leo. Then maybe this will cheer you up. (Tosses her Ade’s Coat)
Meg. Ah, my love.
Ade. Hey! That coat’s mine!
Meg. He’s mine! I’ve been greedy for him for much longer then you have!
Ade. Thub!
Meg. Don’t ‘thub’ me! (Pushes Ade, who slides halfway down the hill)
Sar. (laughing) LOL!
(Enter Little Old Lady)
LOL. You called?
Sar. What? (Everyone bursts out laughing)
All.
tune: Happy Workers

Laughing at the sheep grazing’ in the meadow
Hea.
I’ll wed the frog after I ‘come a widow!
All.
Hey Ho, Hey Ho, we’re off to work again
Sheep are playing, we are saying
Ade.
Why, oh why must I still grow?

All.
I love my job
He loves his job
Going Sheepin’
Start the baain’
Go and feed ‘em
take and sheer them
kill and eat them
Leo.
I want my freedom
All.
It’s the perfect job
Happy Shepherds
Happy Shepherds
Hea.
I love my job
Meg.
She loves her job
All.
Knit the sweaters
spin the yarn an’
and kill the sheep an’
cook the mutton
sell the jerky
dye the wool an’
separate it

Meg. (Thinking about the golden sheep)

I wish I’d ate it
All.
It’s the perfect job!

The End
(Click)