Lust: A Musical


Act One

(opens on scene: Pizza Hut and Heather, Megan, and Sarah sitting around a table)

Sar. ...And then Mrs. Diabisi-Hess showed my Hanson video in French class! And Taylor was sooo hot!
Meg. (Groans) Excuse me, I have to go barf.
Hea. Oh my God! Look! Its... its... GEOOORGE!!! (Love music)
Meg. (Dryly) Oh yeah. And Leo.
Hea. Did you see that? He looked at me! He looked at me!
Meg. Yeah, he’s probably never seen a wolf drooling like that before.
Sar. ...And then Taylor’s boxer size happens to be the same size as my dad’s when he was 18. Which proves that me and Taylor were meant for each other...
Hea. Oh... his wool! Ohh...!

(tune: A Whole New World)

I can show you a sheep
Sweet and kind and good smelling
You rip on him and I’m telling
You’re a sick moronic freak

Meg.
I can show you a jerk
Stupid, ugly and drooling
You don’t know who you’re fooling
You’re crazy and he’s berserk

And you’re a fool
(And I’m a fool)
A fool for love, a fool for sheep

Hea.
There’s nothing I won’t do
I so love ewe

Meg.
Stupid, ugly, corpulence full creep

Act Two

Leo. Look! Look at that beautiful carnivore! So what if she killed and ate my ancestors. I love her!
Geo. Yes, just look at Sarah. Her lips, her constantly moving lips! My God! They’re almost as big as yours!
Leo. Hey! I need big lips to eat my bread! Besides, I meant Heather! Oh Heather!
Geo. Ewww! (Screams) I LOVE YOU SARAH!
(Sar. Doesn’t hear. Continues talking of Hanson)
Hea. (To herself) I can’t believe it! She’s stealing my George from me!
Sar. ...And then Zac had his picture taken with his shirt blowing up, and you can see his belly button! Taylor looked as hot as ever too, although you can’t see any of his appendages. Ah, Taylor (drools)
Leo. Well, George, I lust Heather and you lust Sarah but who lusts Megan?
Geo. Let’s go ask her, huh?(Goes up to Megan) Hey Megan! Who do you lust?
Meg.
(Tune: Blue moon)

Ade’s coat
The one that I adore
The one on the floor
that I would always die for

Ade’s coat
Insolation filled
with which I’m always thrilled
till the cleaning is billed

Geo. My god! You love a coat?!!?
Leo. Yeah, that’s pathetic. Oh, and by the way Heather, can I have your bath water? I want to worship it.
Hea. You make me sick!
Meg. Say yes Heather! Say YESSSSSSSS!
Hea. Hardly, the wrong person asked me. (Blinks eyes at George)
Leo. (To himself) No, not George! I lust Heather, she should not lust George.

Tune: In the Jungle

On the tundra, the frozen tundra
the wolf stalks food tonight
In my heart now, my lonely heart
I need that wolf, my light

(baaa, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa)

Here’s my chance now, my only chance now
That wolf would soon be mine
To quench my lust now, my burning lust now
that wolf, she sure is fine

(Baaaa, baa, baa, baa, baa, baaa, baaa, baa) x2



Act Three

(Scene: Sarah’s front yard)

Sar. ...And I was trading Hanson stuff with these people from Sweden and they’re going to give a picture of Zac with his nostrils pressed on the camera! They said he has twenty-three nose hairs visible! Oh, I bet they’ll be just as cute as Zac! And then....(Keeps talking without pause for breath.)
Hea. (Thinking) She lusts George. Stealing him from me!! And she expects me to believe this crap about Hanson.... No one could like Hanson! This is all a cover-up.
Sar. ...So then Taylor started bellydancing on the dinnertable, and a little girl who looked exactly like Ade ran up and kissed him on the belly button. She had to stand on her tip-toes just to reach that high. Imagine what she would of kissed if she had been 3 inches shorter..(heh heh). And then.....
Hea. AHHHHHHHHH! You George stealing brat!!! (Jumps on her and knocks her out)
Fade out...
Fade in.
(Sarah is tied to a tree.)
Sar. Heather, what’s going on? This isn’t funny! Come on, untie me. (grows frightened as she sees Heather preparing a fire.)
Hea. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. I am going to kill you. Teee heee heee
Sar. Oh, lord. I’m gonna die. Hail mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee. Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done. On earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day. And forgive us our tresspasses. And the fruit of thy womb, jesus. Holy God, mother of mary, you will always be now and forever. Blessed creator of Hanson.

The End

(The ghostly voice of Ade) Click.
Hea. You stole George.

Tune: Arabian Nights

In this yard of Sarah’s
Most grafitied a place
where the Hanson song plays all the time
And right here, Sarah stands
tied up by feet and hands
Who lusts George, who should really be mine

This cursed fiend
who stands here tied
The time is today,
When I’ll make her pay
And hope that she fries


You thought you could fool
The wisest of wise
And steal my own sheep
My own one to keep
In front of my eyes

Sar. (Sits there shuddering as Heather draws near her with raised torch.)
Hea. (Comes up to Sarah and puts torch near her face. Lets it stay for a second or two, then whips out a picture of Hanson and puts the torch to the bottom of it.)
Sar. NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Scene fades out



Act Four


(scene: the school cafeteria before school starts in the morning. Heather, Leo and Ade sitting at a table when George comes waltzing in)

Chorus: (tune of Allelujah) Noir oveja! Noir oveja! Noir oveja! Noir oveja! Noir ooooveja! (Megan and Ade sing bass: Aum Shum Shakra Nama...)

Geo. Um, hi Heather. Hi Leo and Ade.
Hea. (Drooling) Geooorge. Here, sit down by me.
Geo. Well actually, I was wondering if you knew where Sarah was.
Hea. (Indignantly) Hmf! How should I know?
(Megan runs in crying and pointing to the newspaper in her hand.)
Meg. Oh my god! Did you guys see this? Its Sarah! She’s dead!
Geo. Whh-what? Sarah! My beloved? No, it can’t be. NOOO!

(Tune: Greensleaves)

Alas, Sarah, I lust you so
but now you’ve slipped away from me
but now I know that you must go
however so discourteously

(Flute plays sad ending)

Geo. (Brushing the tears from his eyes) I have nothing more to live for here.
Meg. You’re not thinking of suicide, George? I know this great monastery... (leads the crying sheep out of the cafeteria. Followed by a long silence.)
Leo. Well, what next?
Ade. I don’t know, but at least I still have my jacket, and Megan’s never getting that. (Ade is drawing cartoons and takes out an eraser.)
Hea. Yeah, what kind of idiot would lust after... a... jac... (stares at the eraser Ade is using) Say Ade, can I see that eraser?
Ade. Huh?
Leo. Oh no you don’t! The eraser’s mine!
Hea. (Pushing Leo away) Forget it bread breath! (The two start shoving and fighting.)
Ade. Not again! This can’t be happening! (Heather is grabbing the eraser from Ade’s hand. As Ade is fighting, Megan suddenly runs in from nowhere and snatches her jacket.)
Meg. Hah!
Ade. Argghh! I can’t believe this!
Meg. (Rubbing jacket affectionately) Oh my darling, I missed you so. Wrap your sleeves around me. (Kissing the jacket. Leo and Heather continue tug of war over the eraser. Leo lets go and Heather falls back, hitting her head on a pole. Everyone laughs.)
Meg. Hey, wait a minute, she’s dead!
Ade. Cool! A dead body! I hope she put me in her will!
Meg. This is the best thing that happened all week! (Everyone) Yaaaaayyyyy! Heather died! And all because of....
Curtain falls
Curtain reopens upon entire cast.


(We are all in a chorus)
(Tune of that song on the orange juice commercial)
One, nylon size eight jacket
Changes all our lives for good
How, could it cause a racket

Meg.
But then I look at its hood...

We all had our moments
We all had our fun
Then we saw Ade’s objects
And we lust ev-er-y one

So, now you’ve heard our story
What else do we have to say
(Sarah) My death was sad and gory
(Ade) And I think Leo’s gay
(Leo) Hey!
(Music slowly fades away)
Cast holds hands and bows and curtain closes.
Audience boos.


The End
(Click)

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