Murder: A Musical

Murder: A Musical



main players:


Megan; a psycotic bacteria
Heather; a rabid, vain wolf
Ade; a stupid Monkey superhero


Act One


Hea. Good morning Megan. You look as stupid as usual.
Meg. You idiotic jerkweed moron loser freakygeorgelovergirl!
Hea. Why, how dare you call me that! Especially when your nothing more then a one celled organism!
Meg. You started it.
Hea. Yeah, right! All my problems are your fault.
Meg. And you have many problems. And I am right, thank you very much.
Hea. Thank you for what?
Meg. Never mind. Oh, and you have no mind well I’m at it, you George-loving freak!
Hea. George? Hah! That stupid sheep? Never!
Meg. You-ooo-ooo-love him.


I know you love him
you love him
I’ve seen the way you
look at him
You love him
Every bit of wool
You love him
you fool

(Music starts: La cocha rocha)

I know you love him
I know you love him
But he’ll never love you
I know you want him
I know you want him
But your love will never be true

I think you’re crazy
Your minds gone hazy
You could never ever see
I so dispise him
I should disquise him
His face is just to ugly

(Cha-cha)

applause


Act Two


Meg. So, what’s up?
Hea. In the words of Ade, “The sky, but that could change.”
Meg. That sounded stupid. But then again, you’re Heather, so what can I expect?
Hea. Ha-ha, Megan. But don’t worry, soon Ade will say no more... (evil cackle)
Meg. What does that mean? What are you laughing at?
Hea. Oh, nothing. Nair is nothing...I mean there is nothing to worry about.
Meg. I worry. I always worry.

(Megan exits but within ear-shot)

Hea. (Towards audience) And let me let you in on a little secret.

Tune: Chim Chimminy

I know a girl and her naa-aa-me is Ade
I looked and I saw where her shampoo is laid
some day I’ll fill that fine bottle with Nair
She’ll pour it all over her oily hair
She’ll pour it all over and it won’t be there

Trick trickery
Trick trickery
Trick trick turoo
You’re lucky if I will not do this to you
(repeat 2)

Meg. (To herself) I have to stop her.

Act Three

Meg. (Rushes up to Hea.) You stupid-head. What are you saying?
Hea. What! You heard that? Don’t worry, it’s nothing that concerns you.
Meg. It concerns Ade! She’ll die if she turns up bald!
Hea. That seems to be the point.
Meg. You fool. I’ll kill you first!
Hea. You? Hah! You wouldn’t dare.
Meg. I would! And I will. (Turns aside)

Tune: Battle hymn of the Republic

I think that I should kill you
in this morning fair and bright
Yeah, I’d like to see you try
Cause that would be a sight
How would you like to die, Heather
I’ll try and make it quick
But first you’ll make me sick
Oh how much I want to kill you
Oh how much I want to kill you
Oh how much I want to kill you
You sick moronic freak!


Hea. So the duel is on, evil megan person.
Meg. Hah! I’ll spit on your grave! Politly of course, I wouldn’t be rude.
Hea. What grave? I’d advise you to buy a tombstone, cause the only grave will be your own!
Meg. I’d like pepperoni and cheese on my tombstone, and make it with fresh stuff too, not like the last one I had. Woooo, that tasted bad.
Hea. Don’t get smart with me! You never had good taste anyway.
Meg. My taste is quite superior to yours, Heatherfreakygeorgelovergirl the III.
Hea. You can’t even drink milk, or it’ll turn to yogart in your mouth, queen of the bacterium!
Meg. I happen to like yogart, thank you very much.

Yogart (tune of Jingle Bells)

Eating fresh yogart
on a summers day
I’m feeling rather swell
cause everythings gone my way
Hey hey hey

But suddenly my mouth
fills up with this crap
the yogart’s gone sour
my sanity goes snap

Oh... What’s gone wrong?
What’s gone wrong?
My yogart’s turned to cheese
It tastes worse than liverwurst
more sick than George’s fle-easss

What’s gone wrong?
What’s gone wrong?
Will someone please say
To think I thought a moment that
I’m having a good day! Olay!

Act Four

Hea. Bravo. Good job Megan! Such a clever song about yogart.
Meg. More clever than you, you sick demented sadistic ugly pessimistic freak!
Hea. Yes Megan, I’ll admit the way you’ve elaborated on the word freak so many times in calling me names is remarkably intelligent.
Meg. That’s only because I’ve discovered that you are a freak, in every embodiment of the word. In the dictionary, your picture is next to the word “freak” so that people can see that you are it’s epitome. Your sloping forehead and oily hair with the strange and rather pointy nose, with no nosehairs, might I add, makes you quite the freakiest person in my life.
Hea. Finished with your speech now? Good, cause I’ve got a few words I’d like to say to you.

(Tune:Ode to Joy)

Ugly, stupid, lack of morals
Megan is the source of these
Face of horror, worse than war or
bags of maggots, flies and fleas
All thy evil on this good earth
Knows and loves their Megan dear
Trembling as we did on her birth
All life’s scared and lives in fear


Meg. An insult! My friend, you just made a big mistake.
(Takes up a butcher knife)
Hea. (Takes up a liver) Eat liver and die!
Meg. I’d rather die!
Hea. Well, good, cause that’s the point!
Meg. Hump! We’ll see about that, you stupid-head! (Turn to each other and begin to fight)

Star Wars Music: The imperial march

Meg. (Grins madly, steps out of the shadows, still smiling)
Hea. (Gives evil chuckle, steps out from behind something)
Meg. So we meet again, Heather Livereater.
Hea. Tonight it will be you eating the liver, Megan. Poisoned liver, that is.
Meg. Hah! Never!
Hea. Thou shalt die in this sodden field.
Meg. Hah! Never!
Hea. These wormy beds shall be your grave.
Meg. Hah! Never!
Hea. Tomorrow I will be watering the daisys that you are pushing up.
Meg. Hah! Never!
Hea. No, stop saying that!
Meg. Hah! Never!
Hea. AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH (Rushes at Megan with raised liver)
Meg. (Lifts up knife) Hah! Never!

(They start fighting
Heather pushes the knife away
Rubs liver in Megans face
Megan forces the liver out of her hand
Raises knife and burys in Heathers side)

Meg. (Darth Vader like) Heather, I am your mother.
Hea. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Falls and dies)
Meg. Hah hah hah. Now this is what I think of your liver! (Takes a large bite of it) Ahhh, poison! (Dies)


Act Five



Ade. (Walks up) Oh cool! Dead bodies! Megan and Heather are dead! This is so cool! I hope they left me something in there will!

( Walks over to where Heather is)
(Reaches in her pocket and pulls out a bottle of shampoo)

Ade. Oh neat-oo! This is the brand I use. I’m sure Heather won’t miss it.

(Walks offstage)

(Suddenly we all get up, three togeather)


Tune: Seasame Street

We all died because of homocide
And don’t be-lieve we lied
Cause we all died died died
Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Purgatory
How to get to Purgatory
How to get to Purgatory

The End
Click