Numbadian Woe: An Epic Tragedy

Characters:

Meganfoolli the OOO: The Queen of the Bacteria
Bartok: Meganfoolli’s son, the crown prince
Lysol: Bartok’s tutor
LifeBuoy: Lysol’s apprentice
Heather: A Russian Spy
Ade: An Annoying little monkey
Mrs. Doobia: Megan’s Adoptive mother
Mr. Doobia: Megan’s Adoptive father
Erik: A loyal Bacteria
Rod: A loyal Bacteria
Martin: A loyal Bacteria

Act Once

Scene: Earth, Nineteen Ninety-ten

(Enter Meganfoolli, dressed in robes of black)
Meganfoolli: Far, far away in the Land of Purgatory I once lived with my friends Heather, Sarah, and Ade. All of them had their own problems, as did I, so I was ignored and very lonely. So, with little else to do, I divided myself into two parts. I remained in one of them, and the other smaller part was my son Bartok, whom I learned to love very much. After the world exploded and then reincarnated itself, we returned to Earth to start over, but my son begged me to let him get a glimpse of my home planet Numbad, and after a while I agreed to take him there.

Scene: Outer Space, Nineteen Ninety-seven
(Bartok and Megan are riding in a space ship. Bartok is staring excitedly out the window and Megan is wondering if she packed enough cheese. The planet of Numbad draws closer and closer outside)
Bar. Mommy! Mommy! Is that Numbad?
Meg. Yep. Ain’t she a beaut?
Bar. It’s so different from earth.
Meg. Only from the outside. From the inside it’s paradise for all, not just the bacteria.
Bar. Are there people there now?
Meg. I doubt it. For some stupid reason people prefer their own polluted planet to the beauties of Numbad.
Bar. What idiots.
Meg. Lets...(Seatbelt light comes on) We’re about to land!
Bar. Yay! (Plane lands. The both step outside)
Ewww! What are those? (Big piles of cheese and perogies lie in front of the plane. The bacteria are cheering too loudly to hear him)
Meg. That’s food from our people as a gift to us. Don’t be so rude!
Bar. I hate cheese!
Meg. What? Cheese is a natural part of our society! What the heck is wrong with you?
Bar. I think that it tastes disgusting! And what are those people wearing?
Meg. Our sacred costume. Remember how I told you I wore it for my wedding?
Bar. You wore that? It’s so ugly!
Meg. What’s your point?
Bar. That’s a bad thing!
Meg. What!? No son of mine will disrespect our ways! You must learn to respect them!
Bar. No! I hate everyone here! Why are they so happy for your return? Don’t they know how much of a soft-hearted, senile loser you are?
Meg. Bartok! What’s wrong with you!
Bar. (Blinking) I don’t know. For a moment there, I just hated everything. I’m sorry.
Meg. That’s all right. I love you, sweety.
Bar. I love you too. (They hug)
Meg.
Tune: No ones happier than I

No ones happier than I
I feel I could go and try to fly
But I think I would
fall and die for good
But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try

No ones uglier than I
Not here or under earthling sky
and though Ade’s not
she’s dumber than she ought
but she won’t ever be weirder than I

Bar. Nice song. Too bad it sucks.
Meg. What? Thats it! You’re going to get a tutor well I leave.
Bar. You’re leaving?
Meg. I’ve realized that if I leave earth, I won’t be the first weirdest person anymore.
Bar. I didn’t notice any change.
Meg. There wasn’t any change. It’s just that here everything that’s weird on earth is completely normal at home.
Bar. I knew that.
Meg. No you didn’t.
Bar. Did.
Meg. Didn’t.
Bar. Did!
Meg. NO YOU DIDN’T! And don’t argue with your mom! (To servant) Find my son a good tutor, will you?
Ser. Certainly. (Evil Laugh)
Meg. Nice laugh. (Leaves)
Ser. Odd. Wouldn’t most parents be worried if they heard a laugh like that?
Bar. ‘cept my mom. She envies evil laughter like that. Try as she might, she never seems to achieve the right sound. (Lightbulb clicks) Say, if you can laugh like that you must be evil!
Ser. (Complimented) You think so? I’m LifeBuoy, apprentice of the most evil tutor on the face of Numbad, Lysol. (They start walking down an empty street)
Bar. Is that whose going to be teaching me?
Life. Yep.
Take to the Sky

His face is like Russia
With eyes cold and gray
He’ll keep you moving in a circle
And ruin you the same day
He just is a little evil
and laughs in dark
And he’s got some magic
buried deep in his heart, yeah

And his priest says: You ain’t saving no souls
His father says: You ain’t making enough money
His doctor says: You just took it to the limit
And here he stands with the sword in his hand

(Enter Lysol)
Lys.
They can say it one more time!
What they don’t like
Don’t let me here it one more time
So have a seat while I make them die
make them die

My heart is like the Dead Sea
It’s salty and gray
So close to touching freedom

Then I hear the guards call my name
And LifeBuoy says:
Life.
He tramples down souls
Lys.
And I say that I’m making lots of money
And Bartok says:
Bar.
You’re the neatest person ever
Lys.
And here I stand with this sword in my hand
All.
We will sing out all the time
What we don’t like
And let them hear it one more time
So have a seat while we watch them all die
Watch them die
Bar.
Well I don’t know I... But he does... Oh well!
But should I hang around?
But you won’t like...And I do it...Oh well!
And should I hang around?
But I really like... and he does sing well!
But can I take it? Take it? Take it? Take it? Take it?

Life. (Hissing) Lysol’s like Russia. (Bartok suddenly smiles)
All.
We won’t take it all the time
We won’t take it all the time
We won’t take it all the time!
What we don’t like!!
IF YOU SAY IT ONE MORE TIME...
Boy, take a seat cause you will soon die!
You will die
Bar. & Life.
Will die...
Lys.
You will die
Bar. & Life.
You’ll die...
Lys.
You will die
All.
You’ll die

Bar. (Smiling gleefully) I’ll join! This sounds like fun!
(Exit all, Lysol laughing evilly)

Act Twice

Scene: Earth, Nineteen Ninety Ten

Meg. When I left Numbad I went immediately home. Since my adoptive parents hadn’t yet excepted that their daughter was a bacteria, I left a temporary duplicate of myself in ‘Evil Raging Hormone Teenager Stage’. As expected, my parents kept far enough away from my copy to notice the slight change. When I got back and slept, I wandered downstairs to continue my ‘normal’ life. But even as I did things that a normal teenage girl would do, my son’s evil continued to grow.

Scene: Earth home of Megan, Nineteen Ninety Eight

(Enter Meganfoolli’s adoptive parents)
Mrs. I’m worried about your daughter.
Mr. My daughter? Don’t you mean your daughter?
Mrs. You like her better!
Mr. Ha! She looks more like you than she does me!
(Enter Meganfoolli, coming downstairs)
Meg. Hey! I don’t look like a “Human”!
Mrs. Oh, good morning, Megan. Sorry to have woken you up.
Meg. (Glances at clock. It’s 3:00 p.m.) That’s all right. I’ve been meaning to get up early lately anyway.
Mrs. That’s good. (Exit both)
Meg. Well, might as well see what Heather’s doing.
(Dials number, it’s picked up)
Voice. Hello?
Meg. Hi, is Heather there?
Voice. Maybe. This is Confidential.
Meg. Ha ha! Do you want me to come down there again, Heather?
Voice. My name’s not Heather, it’s Confidential!
Meg. (Rolls her eyes) Fine! Then could you put Heather on the phone?
Voice. Certainly. (Yells) Heeeeaaaaatttthhhheeerrrrrrrrr!!! Voice2. What?
Voice. Phone!
Voice2. Coming! Hello?
Meg. Heather?
Hea. Yeah.
Meg. Ya wanna go meandering up and down Purgatory?
Hea. Hold on! (Yelling) Mooooommmmm!
Voice3. What?
Hea. Can I go out walking?
Voice3. Maybe.
Hea. Is that a maybe yes or a maybe no?
Voice3. Why should I let you go?
(The 2 voices fade out)
Voice. Hello?
Meg. Heather? What’d she say?
Voice. What’d who say?
Meg. Your mom!
Voice. I don’t have a mother. I just answer the phone.
Meg. Uh huh. Sure, Heather.
Voice. Why do you doubt my existence?
Meg. Because YOU’RE HEATHER!!
Voice. (Impatiently) No, I’m Confidential.
Meg. You are not Confidential! You’re Heather! (Sounds like the phone dropped on the other end)
Voice. Of course I’m Heather! Who’d you think I was, Confidential?
Meg. Argh! Are you allowed to go walking?
Hea. Nope. I have to mable.
Meg. You’re setting the table? Why? It’s still early. I haven’t even had breakfast.
Hea. Sorry Megan. Swim meet. Have to eat supper an hour earlier or else I’ll forget to eat all together.
Meg. Laura Upset!
Hea. Megan! Don’t swear backwards like that! At least not when you aren’t playing pool!
Meg. Well I’m upset, anyway.
Hea. I can’t talk any longer. I have to eat. Bye. Meg. Bye. (Hangs up the phone) I’m so bored! I know! I’ll call Ade. (Dials the number. Phone rings. Someone picks up.)
Voice. Yello?
Meg. Green.
Voice. Blue!
Meg. Orange!
Voice. Pink and a half!
Meg. Red!
Voice. Poop Brown!
Meg. That’s not a color!
Voice. Is too!
Meg. Is not.
Voice. Well, maybe it isn’t. So what’s up?
Meg. Heather’s being a heathen again. So I decided to call you, Ade, and...
Voice. (Interrupts) Oh, you want me to get Ade?
Meg. Very funny. I’ve already played this game with Heather and I refuse to play it again.
Voice. What game? Do you want me to get Ade or not?
Meg. Who is this?
Voice. Andy.
Meg. And why is it that you sound exactly like Ade?
Voice. I don’t know. Maybe because she’s imaginated me!
Meg. Yeah right. And how did you become real then?
Voice. Blinky the 5th gave me life.
Meg. Hah, never! Put Ade on, then, if you want to play this stupid game.
Voice. Hold on.
Voice2. (Which sounds exactly like Voice1) Yello?
Meg. Gree- Oh never mind! Is this Ade?
Voice2. Yep. What is it?
Meg. I...hmmmm...I don’t know....
Ade. That’s smart.
Meg. No it isn’t. I’m going to sit around and stare at plaster. Bye.
Ade. Bye.
Meg. (Hangs up phone) What a boring day! I bet that no one is as bored as I am right now.

Act Thrice

Scene: Castle Numbad, Nineteen Ninety Eight, Same day

(Enter Bartok, dressed in furs, jewels, and the royal crown)
Bar. This stupid day is so boring! I demand to be amused! (To servant) Send in entertainers!
Ser. Yes, Your Most Royal Highness. (Scurries away)
Bar. I can’t believe those jerks! How dare they treat me with such disrespect! ‘Your Most Royal Highness’ indeed! I know they laugh at me and call me names behind my back. The only reason they bow is because they need to hid their little smiles!
(ReEnter Servant)
Ser. Y..y...your Magisty...
Bar. What?! Speak fool!
Ser. You see, your Majesty....um...there are no more entertainers left. Um...you had them all executed.
Bar. Oh...(Smile forms on his face. Servant goes pale) I do believe I know what I want. I want to see you dance.
Ser. Dance?
Bar. NOW! (Servant starts to do the Macarena while shivering in fear. Bartok watches for a little bit, looking bored, then smiles broadly) I don’t think that you’re dancing your all.
Ser. Of...of course I am, Y...Your Majesty.
Bar. (Smiling broader) I don’t think you are. I think that your holding out on me. (Frowns suddenly) And do you know what I do to people who hold out on me? Do you?!!
Ser. NO! Please, Your Majesty! I’ll do better! I promise!
Bar. Not good enough! Slaves! Fill the palace swimming pool with hot water and (Once again, gives a sick demonic grin he could have only learned from his mother) FILL IT WITH SOAP! (Servants quickly do that)
Ser. NOOOOOOOO!!!! (Fighting, he is dragged away by slaves and thrown in. Bartok steps in front of the audience to block the view. You can hear the servant’s screams of anguish slowly sink into a dying gurgle)
Bar. What did I do? That’s the first time I’ve killed another bacteria!

Tune: Jack's Lament (Sits down on the royal throne and buries his head)

What have I done
What have I done
How could I be so cruel
He is dead
Because of me
Murdered him
Murdered him
everything I’ve done is wrong
What have I done
What have I done
Find a deep cave to hide in
In a million years they’ll find me
only dust and engraved rock
That says; Here lies poor Bartok

But I never thought I could do such madness, never
And nobody ‘cept Lysol understands, well, how could they?
That all I every wanted was to be amused!
Why does nothing ever turn out like it should?

(Jumps up and starts strutting proudly, singing loudly)

Well, What the heck! I am the best!
And by God, I really tasted something swell
And at this moment, why I can just touch the sky
Oh who cares who’s in the stories that they tell!

And for the first time since I can remember when
I feel like I’m the best out of a million men
I, Bartok the Bacteria Prince
That’s right! I am the Bacteria Prince
And I’m better then I have been since
cause I’ve got some new ideas that will really make ‘em wince
and by God, I’m really gonna make them all scream!
Uh Oh, I hope I can dispose of those loyal to the queen!
Ah, Meganfoolli...

(Bursts into maniacal laughter)

Scene: Behind the tapestry behind the throne, that hour

(Erik is kneeling silently, listening to Bartok’s slowly fading footsteps. After a minute, when he’s sure that he’s gone, he steps out from behind the tapestry and rushes over to the servants quarters where he spots out Rod and Martin)
Erik. You guys! You’ll never believe what I’ve just heard!
Rod. Prince Bartok wants to marry you? (Rod and Martin burst out laughing)
Erik. That’s more than you’ll ever get!
Mar. Hah! I’m going to find a lovely servant girl tomorrow that much more prettier than that overgrown Prince! And as soon as Meganfoolli gets back...
Erik. That’s what I want to tell you about! The queen might not get back! I overheard Bartok plotting to himself! He’s going to kill everyone loyal to Meganfoolli and possibly kill the queen herself!
Rod. Impossible. The Bacteria Queen’s been in rule for 55 years. Everyone knows that she often takes long vacations. After the war with the Aliens she went to earth all that time. I guess she likes it there.
Mar. I’ve heard that on earth the cheese and perogies are as numerous as the purple clouds in the sky.
Rod. Actually, they’re white.
Erik. Who cares? We have to warn the people and save the queen!
Mar. But how?
Erik. Hmmmm....
Tune: Kidnap Mr. Sandy Claws

Mar.
Inform Queen Meganfoolli...
Rod.
I wanna do it!
Mar.
No, just me!
Erik.
I think we should work together
Rod.
Three of a kind!
Mar. Birds of a feather! All.
Now and forever! La la la la la la...

Inform Meganfoolli
of her evil son
We’ll get six pots of cheese
when the day is done!
Erik.
First we’re gonna find the prince
and force feed him lard and mince
when he starts a-beggin’
he’ll talk or face the consequence
Rod.
Wait, I have a better plan
to thwart the evil Bartok man!
But first our dearest queen must know
and then we’ll plot the overthrow!
All.
Inform Meganfoolli
then gather up some men
to start dear Numbad’s first
Rev-o-lu-tion!
Erik.
I bet ol’ queen Meganfoolli
Mar.
Can torture rather sinfully
Rod.
She’ll be so pissed she’ll have him killed
All.
And Numbad will be thrilled! Weeee!
Mar.
I say that we take a ship and
navigate to Earth and then
ask around for the queen
and when we find her, tell her all
Rod.
You’re so stupid, think!
Now if we go to earth in our own forms
We may scare the people
and then they will come at us in storms!

All.
Inform Meganfoolli
see what she will do
Maybe she will assign us
to have him run through
Because High Prince Bartok is the meanest prince around
If I were on his ‘Hated’ list, I’d get out of town!
Rod.
She’ll be so pleased by our success
Mar.
That she’ll reward us too, I’ll bet
Erik.
Perhaps she’ll give us our own pick
All.
Of cheese so soft and thick! Yum!

We’re her secret henchman and we take our job with pride.
We do our best to please her and stay on her good side.
Erik.
I wish my old friends weren’t so dumb!
Mar.
I’m not the dumb one
Rob.
You’re no fun!
Mar.
Shut up!
Rob.
Make me!
Erik.
I’ve got something, listen up!
We’ll get the folks together, see
then steal a ship and go
inform the Queen Meganfoolli
While everyone is fighting here
Bartok is sure to lose the war
and the blessed Queen will rule
even better than before

All.
Inform Meganfoolli
Her son will be no more
tell her of his monarchy
filled with blood and gore

Inform Meganfoolli
and she’ll be so pleased
Bartok’s own violent death
only will appease

Inform Meganfoolli
see what we will see
throw him in a prison then
throw away the keeeeyyyyy!

(They all burst into laughter)
Act Fourth

Scene: Earth, Nineteen Ninety Ten

Meg. (Still wearing black) So his reign of evil began and the revolution was plotted all while I was still on Earth, bored out of my mind. It was early 1998 and I had just finished (Ugh!) cleaning my room. Little did I know what was about to happen.

Scene: Earth, Nineteen Ninety Eight

(Meganfoolli is carrying a handful of dirty clothes to the laundry room. The doorbell rings)
Meg. Wait a minute! (Dumps clothes on laundry room floor) Hold on! (Runs and opens door, revealing disguised Erik) Who are you?
Erik. (Takes off mask) Perhaps the only loyal bacteria left alive.
Meg. Erik? What happened? Is Bartok all right? Is there trouble?
Erik. The trouble is Bartok! He’s usurped the throne and is murdering all who stand in his way!
Meg. What? I thought that if I left him with a tutor that...
Erik. The tutor’s what’s caused this in the first place! Lysol is the most malignant bacteria on Numbad! I shiver to think what he might be doing now!

Scene: Numbad, that minute

(Bartok is sitting on his throne, listening to the screams of the loyal bacteria in the torture hall. Enter Lysol, grinning evilly)
Bar. All these men and women of Bacterium are loyal and have been caught, but for every one bacteria captured still five more loyalists are born! Whatever I do they still keep on coming and coming to kill me!
Lys. You’ve killed their friends and family. They can’t help but feel that you’re somewhat to blame.
Bar. True, but what can I do to stop them, or myself? Their screams of agony is like music to my ears. The patterns their blood makes on the walls is like art work of the most divine form! I cannot quit! I must have this queer pleasure of mine! It is the only way I can think of ever being happy again!
Lys. Did I say that you should quit? On the contrary, I do believe that you should continue at a more, say, advanced stage. But why just these small, puny numbers? (Voice gets louder and louder till he starts to yell) You cannot calm a mob by a whisper! If you want to get their attention you must show them what happens to those who disobey! Those who would kill you must be killed in the most horrible fashion ever! You must face the inferno and yell at the top of your lungs, “I am Bartok, High Prince of Numbad and I will not be ignored”!
Bar. But with every soul I kill...
Lys. ...five more take their place. I know. (Lightbulb clicks) But if there are none to take that place then you will have less enemies!
Bar. And less friends!
Lys. I am your only friend! Remember that! Who else knows you like I do? Who else could you trust?
Bar. My mom!
Lys. (Exasperated sigh) Your mother hates you! They all hate you except for me!
(Enter LifeBuoy)
Life. And me.
Bar. So what should I do?
Lys. I’m glad you asked that.

tune: 6 Underground

Take them down
6 underground
Buried ‘neath your feet
Laid out low
nowhere to go
Now where are we to meet?

Down there a river flows wide, and deep
and there we can take them, to steep
Overground
Watch it please
If you’re open to falling from grace

Calm them down, bring them down to the edge and wait
Then they’ll see, like nothing else, they should not tempt the fates

Don’t think ‘cause I understand I care
Don’t think cause I talk to them we’re friends
Overground watch it please
If you’re open to falling from grace

Seal them down, safe and sound
Don’t strong up to sleep
They’ll cry out, scream and shout
The rivers very deep
I’ll give them some soap that spreads a lot
Lysol disinfects them dead
Hold them down
no escape
Unopen
I made a special soap, to go
I’ll drop into the river, it goes
All around
Hear them scream
out prayers that its just a dream

Lys. Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Bar. But...but since all of Numbad’s rivers are connected, the entire planet will die!
Lys. By Lysol Disinfectant Soap. I made it myself.
Bar. But some are loyal to me!
Lys. If one rebel dies it’s worth a hundred innocent!
Bar. NO! I should have never listened to you! Guards!
Lys. Silence, boy! Who do you think the guards are loyal to? You, a sniveling little brat who killed their families, or me, the innocent teacher who gives them their paychecks?
Bar. But...you tricked me!
Lys. And if your lucky, that’s the only thing I’ll do to you. But if you make one move to escape, well let’s just say that all Numbad will rejoice to hear your final screams.
Bar. But I’ll be a better ruler!
Lys. You won’t rule at all! You’ll just be a figurehead for their hatred while I make all the decisions. So sit down and shut up!
Bar. No!
Lys. Guards! (Enter Guards) Keep him still! (Guards hold Bartok down) I’m sorry, Bartok, but I must hurry to the river. Too bad you’ll have to miss the fun. (Clicks his tongue and shakes his head) Pity, you were such an eager student. Ciou.
(Exit Lysol, followed by LifeBuoy)
Bar. I can’t believe...What have I done? (Starts crying)

Scene: Outerspace, next hour

Meg. I feel so terrible, Erik. I know I shouldn’t have left my son in the hands of a teacher, but I was so angry I just wasn’t thinking. Oh, I hope he’s all right!
Erik. I’m sorry, your Majesty, but my friends Martin and Rod are organizing a revolt right now, and they, nor the townspeople feel anything but hatred toward your son. You’ll be lucky if there’s enough left of him to bury.
Meg. Then hurry! We may get there in just enough time to save my son!
Erik. But he’s a murderer!
Meg. He’s my son! He was mislead!
Erik. He’s the Antichrist!
Meg. So what? We have to stop that revolt!

Scene: River Wild, outside the castle, 2 hours later

(Screams of the innocent drift out of the ravine where the River Wild is. Lysol and two guards stand there, listening to them and grinning.)
Lys. Soon all of Numbad will know my power! After I dispose of my dear student I’ll seize the crown and rule what little remains of this miserable race!
(Enter LifeBuoy)
Life. But the people know that you’re behind this too! They won’t accept you, no matter how few there are.
Lys. Fool! Have I taught you nothing? Think for once in your life! Why do you think I’ve saved all my money for all this time?
Life. You mean?
Lys. Plastic surgery can almost completely alter any appearance. I’m thinking along the lines of ‘His Majesty; The Gray Sheep’. What do you think?
Life. I don’t think you’ll fool them at all.
Lys. I must confess, you starting to become a pain with all this doubting. Why is that?
Life. (Pulls out a recorder) Because 80 million bacteria are listening to you at this very moment!
Lys. (Shakes his head) And to think I trusted you... But that’s a mistake I’ll soon remedy! (Pushes LifeBuoy to the edge of the cliff) Why did you betray me, boy?
Life. You were becoming a monster and killing off your kinsmen!
Lys. I’ve done that before and it didn’t bother you!
Life. Yes, maybe, but before it hadn’t been in the millions!
Lys. Is that all? What a pitiful excuse. You could have been my second in command, LifeBuoy, in charge of all the troops and battles. Now you’ll only be a minor casualty of it, remembered by no one, with no grave but the one you dug yourself, (Looks amused) but you don’t even have enough time for that, now do you? (Shoves LifeBuoy off the cliff)
Life. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Lys. Now, to deal with Bartok. (Slithers over to a secret passage leading to the castle. Looks back over his shoulder, almost looking sad) Goodbye, my apprentice.
(Exit Lysol)

Scene: Outer Atmosphere of Numbad, 15 minutes ago

Erik. Oh my god! What’s happening to the rivers? They’re all turning bright green!
Meg. I...(Realization comes to her) I know what that is, Erik.
Erik. (Whispers) What, Your Majesty?
Meg. Soap. Lots and lots of soap.
Erik. My god.
(Ship lands. Meg. and Erik exit)
Meg. (Sniffing) Lysol disinfectant, to be exact.
Erik. Only one person could have done this...I’m sorry, Your Majesty.
Meg. I never knew that anyone, anyone could be this evil. Especially my own son.
Erik. Come on! We have no justification stopping the revolt now! But with your aid we can turn all the bacteria of Numbad and beyond against Bartok and Lysol! (Runs to the east)
Meg. (Whispers) I’m sorry, Bartok. (Runs after him)

Act Fifth

Scene: Outside the Castle, 5 minutes ago

(Martin and Rod stand giving a speech to motivate their army. A kid looks around, sees something, runs toward it, stops suddenly, and turns around)
Kid. Hey everyone! Meganfoolli’s come back! (Everyone starts talking at once, but they shut up when Erik and the Queen come into view. Erik settles in with his friends and Meganfoolli takes the microphone from Rod and clears her throat)
Meg. My people, I’ve heard you say that it’s because of my son and his tutor that you suffer today. That is not true. Everything that happened is because I left my son here trusting that a servant would get him a good teacher. Had I stayed, had I been here to scold him when he sinned and tell him of the beauty of our culture, had I remembered that I hated all teachers, we would not be on the polluted remains of paradise to fight against our fellowmen! Brother against brother, man against wife, (Chokes back a sob) mother against son. But here we are, standing together today, a world of good, simple people struggling to fight against annihilation itself! I do not blame you if you leave here now and go back to the remains of your families and your homes, but before you go, please consider what would happen a year from now, a month, or even a day. You child could fall into a polluted river, your house could be burnt and your parents trapped inside, or you could be added to the long list of my sons supposed enemies! I beg of you, fight! Fight for your honor! Fight for your loved ones! And if that doesn’t reach you, fight for survival itself! Yours and everyone else’s. I will not leave this world till I see my son bound and Lysol’s demented head on a platter! (Crowd cheers and divides itself into four groups following Rod, Erik, Martin, and Meganfoolli. Each takes a position in each direction waiting for a signal. After gazing longingly at the castle, Megan gives the signal) Charge!

Scene: Inside the Castle, Five Minutes later

(Bartok is sitting on his throne, still surrounded by the guards. A noise is heard, like a heavy rain, which slowly clears into the sound of a million angry people. Suddenly Bartok knows that end is near. Without farther ado, the main hall of the palace is stormed and the guards quickly killed. Bartok is forced to his knees and bound by iron chains. Head down, he waits for the inevitable to happen. And it does. Enter Meganfoolli, in her sacred ceremonial robes of mourning)
Meg. (In a numb voice) You. You killed our people. My people. You usurped the throne and polluted Numbad herself. You mocked everything tradition had held dear! Do you hold no respect for anything besides your own selfish needs?

Tune: Lament

Is this the world you meant?
Couldn’t you listen?
Couldn’t you stay content safe on Numbad...As I could not?
(Opens a curtain that looks out on River Wild) Do like what’s happened to our world?
You enjoy destroying our own world?
Bar.
Mother I...Even I, who loved you better yet
My spirit died, And I’m filled with regret...
from him!
Meg.
No matter what you say, children won’t listen.
No matter who you are, children refuse to learn
Bar.
Guide me along the way, I’ll learn to listen
I will not grow from someone you loved
to someone you hate!

Bar. I’m sorry, mother! (Lysol steps out from behind the same tapestry where Erik hid, carrying a bucket)
Meg. Bartok, I...(Lysol steps up and throws the disinfectant filled water over Bartok, who melts, looking like a forlorn puppy-dog)
Lys. (Smirks) Your last words. How quaint.
Meg. (Screams in rage and dives at him. Lysol spins out of her way and grabs her by the hair, holding another bucket he had hidden in his other hand. The bacteria gasp and take a step back) Let me go!
Lys. I can’t escape. You know it and I know it. But I also know that I don’t want to escape! So I think I’ll do the next best thing that I can in this situation. Kill us both. Goodbye everyone. (Takes the bucket and pours it all over himself and Meganfoolli. Lysol gives a scream as he starts melting. Megan is still solid)
Meg. (Shouting) Powers of Ugliness! Freeze this vile creature in that position from here to eternity! (Points at Lysol, who stops halfway, but is obviously still in pain)
Lys. Why aren't you dead?!
Meg. Being Queen of Numbad makes me immune, you troll!
Lys. Let me die, you old witch!
Meg. (Ignoring him) Guards, take him to the royal dungeon and lock him up! (He’s taken away. Megan kneels down at the edge of the puddle and stares at it sorrowfully) Bartok...
Mar. Is dead! Yippee!!! (Everyone starts cheering and singing. While party goes on:)
Meg.
Tune: Lament

...No matter what you say children won’t listen No matter what you know children refuse to learn Guide them along their way, still they won’t listen Children can only grow from something you love to something you loose!

Meg. Goodbye, everyone. I’m leaving. (Everyone continues dancing. Erik looks sadly at her, nods, and waves goodbye)

Scene: Megan’s Earth home, Nineteen Ninety Eight, a month later

(Enter Megan)
Meg. Ah, Bartok...
(Exit Megan to room)
Mr. What’s wrong with her?
Mrs. I don’t know. She’s been acting like that all month now. I’ve asked and asked but she just puts me off. I can only hope that she’ll deal with whatever this is herself.
Mr. Two weeks. I’ll give her two weeks.

Scene: Megan’s room

Meg. I’m so lonely. Bartok...
(Ghostly voice of Bartok) Do the same what you did with to create me, mother. Perhaps you’ll have better luck.
Meg. Bartok? (No answer) Well, maybe it’s for the best if I do. (Starts concentrating and divides in half. Younger half starts crying and Megan smiles)
Meg. I’ll name you Jucky.
Juc. Goo.

Scene: Earth, Nineteen Ninety Ten

Meg. And so I became happy again after a very long time. Even though the rivers of Numbad are slightly polluted, things are getting better there. I visited occasionally and dubbed Erik my prime minister and Rod and Martin my advisers. Even now we heal and I, (Enter Jucky) and my daughter thrive in both environments. Tutors are now illegal on Numbad and every year on the day of my son’s death I tell Jucky the tale of Numbadian Woe.
(Voices of all those bacteria who died during the war)

Tune: The national ballad of the bacteria queen

All hail the Queen
Meganfoolli
All hail the Queen
May her reign be long

All hail the Queen
Meganfoolli
All hail the Queen
May her reign be long

The End (Sniff)
Click.