Pride: A Musical

Act One

Ade: A “Proud to be Ugly” Neanderthal
Heather: A proud Russian cheerleader who also happens to be a spy
Megan: A proud Bacteria Queen of Royal Ancestry
David: A proud to be unknown person
Darren: A proud insulter of imaginary beings
Mom: Heather’s mother (Not Proud)
apm: Ade’s poor mother (Not Proud)
chorus: A proud bunch of idiots who have really sucky voices
Kno-le-gee: The evil demon-lord of Knowledge

Scene: School Bathroom

Tune: You are so Beautiful
Hea.
I am so beautiful, to me
I can see
I’m, like, so very lovely
Because I am, like, me
I am so beautiful, tee hee
Meg.
We are better than you, we be
Royalty
We’re everything we hoped for
We’re everything we be
We are so better than you
Royalty

Hea. Hey thanks! We are better than everyone! Like, those non-cheerleader freaks!
Meg. We are not a cheerleader.
Hea. Like, what? I am too.
Meg. We aren’t.
Hea. Huh?
Meg. Megan is using the royal “we”. All royalty talk in 3rd person, too.
Hea. So we’re not royalty.
Meg. Megan is royalty. She is the Queen of the Bacteria, formally titled Meganfoolli.
Hea. Then who are you?
Meg. MEGANFOOLLI!
Hea. Like, whatever.
Meg. We shall go now. We wish that we had never met.
Hea. Yeah, we do.
(Exit both)

Scene: Ade’s hallway at house of Ade’s at Ade’s

Mom. Oh, thank you Mrs. Conway
Apm. Your welcome. The girls had so much fun, didn’t you gals?
Hea. Ah-Hmmm? Like, me? A cheerleader?! You think I could have fun at this lowly house?!
Ade. Hey!
Hea. Well, it’s true! How could one so beautiful as moi enjoy myself with someone so hideous.
Ade. Hey! I’m proud to be ugly!

Tune: You take the high road

I’m proud to be ugly
I’m proud to be hid’ous
Alas, like, that’s so piteous
Oh me and my own face
Shall always be a disgrace
So unsightly no one ever could hug me


Hea. That’s, like, sooo pathetic. (holds up hand in L) Loser. (exits. Mother’s still talking. Enter Darren)
Ade. Andy, you appreciate my ugliness, don’t you? (Waits a second) Thanks, I knew you would.
Dar. Who are you talking to?
Ade. Andy.
Dar. Who?
Ade. ANDY! My invisible friend!
Dar. (laughing) You have an imaginary friend? That’s so lame.
Ade. He is NOT imaginary.
Dar. Then what is he?
Ade. Invisible.
Dar. (Laughs harder.) Yeah, sure. So can he hear me?
Ade. (angrily) He’s not deaf!
Dar. Well then... Andy, you suck! And you have one ugly girlfriend. You know, only the dumbest people are invisible. The people that are too ugly to be seen by others.
tune: Self Esteem

Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh

Late at night, we go to your door
the Simpson’s done, now life’s such a bore
Then you come, sucking your thumb
I’m insulted, cause Andy’s so dumb

(Mindless moaning and screaming in a stupid tune)

Then I say, he’s a rejection
I think he needs a brain inspection
I would continue but I’d waste my time
and I’m sick of this stupid rhyme

( More mindless moaning and screaming in a stupid tune)

Ade. Stop it! You’re hurting his feelings, as well as his ears!
Dar. (sarcastically) Oh no!
Ade. He knows an assassin!
Dar. (mockingly) Scary! Ooh help! Andy’s gonna hurt me! (Darren walks away laughing.)
Ade. (To Andy.) Yeah, well, we’ll show him.

Scene: Heather outside Ade’s house

Hea. What’s this? (Picks up piece of paper. Eyes grow wide. Love theme begins to play as Heather holds paper lovingly to her heart.)

Act Two

Scene: School Hallway

(Megan and Heather are being the jerks that they are)

tune: Inspector Gadget

Chorus:
Du Du Du Du Du Me-gan-fooll-i
Du Du Du Du Du Megan
Du Du Du Du Du Me-gan-fooll-i
Du du du du du Stupid

Burp, Megan, Burp
Du du du du du du du du du du
Burp, Megan, Burp
Du du du du du du du du du du

Du Du Du Du Du Megan-fooll-i
Du Du Du Du Du Megan
Du Du Du Du Du Megan-fooll-i
Du Du Du Du Du stupid
Du Du Du Du Du Du

Hea. Hey! Like, what are you doing here?
Meg. We are going to class, as useless as they are in this school.
Hea. At least, like, I have a boyfriend inside, like, a class. I think.
Meg. Oh. Who?
Hea. David.
Meg. (Brief recognition written on her face) Um, would this David be anyone we know?
Hea. Well, like, he’s 16 and he has a car.
Meg. As if that will help us.
Hea. Well, like, he also has brown hair and the prettiest blue eyes. (Sighs)
Meg. Well, we have a boyfriend too. (To herself) He just doesn’t know it yet.
Hea. And like, who is he?
Meg. You wouldn’t know him. He’s a 55 year old black man with yellow eyes.
Hea. Eww!
Meg. We meant boyfriend as in a male associate.
Hea. And what’s his name?
Meg. David.
Hea. If he’s really your “boyfriend”, then what’s his number?
Meg. 421-8767.
Hea. That... that’s... that’s my boyfriend’s number!
Meg. By chance, have you met this David?
Hea. Well, no. But have you?
Meg. We are waiting for the right moment to meet him.
Hea. Oh, who else is going with you?
Meg. Arggh! You moron! How did you get that number?
Hea.

Tune: My country ‘tis of thee

I found out his number
After a night’s slumber
Party at Ade’s.
It was lying outside
wet, though it soon had dried
Would call, but for fear my pride
Would just deflate

Meg.
We found his number out
While wandering about
outside Sunday
Hea.
That day the sodden piece
paper blew from my reach
Meg.
He’s ours, you dumb, ugly, leech
Hea.
Like, that’s so gay
Hea. Well, why don’t we just ask Ade and see?
Meg. Fine!

Act Three

Next Scene: Pin Oak Lane

Hea. (Running up) Hey, you lowly non-cheerleader person! What’s your name again?
Ade. Ade.
Hea. Like, whatever. So anyway, I have, like, the coolest boyfriend that that stupid bacteria queen Meganfoolli says is hers. He is so much hotter than Andy you couldn’t believe it. Then again, anyone could be hotter than Andy. He’s so ugly, he looks like you! I guess birds of feather flock together, and you must be the dodos.
Ade. Andy shall not be pleased, although he thanks you for the compliment.
Hea. What compliment?
Ade. You called him ugly.
Hea. Loser! That was an insult!
Ade. What! I kill you! I kill all of you!
Hea. What do you mean, all of me? There’s only one of me. Hello! Your thinking of that Megan person.
Ade. Don’t swear. And I will right now. Megan will get David!
Hea. No! YOU LOSER!
Ade. Andy is avenged! (Pushes Hea. into jumper line, which eats her noisily.)
Hea. (As being eaten) Poop! Fine!
Ade. Crunch, crunch, crackle, crackle, narf.
(Enter Meg. from top of hill where she has seen the whole thing.)
Meg. Onomonopeia!
Ade. What?
Meg. That’s when a sound is said or written down. It was the late Heather’s favorite word.
Ade. Don’t you speak that name.
Meg. Sorry. By the way, we think that Andy is the best person in the world. (To herself.) Please don’t kill us.
Ade. Oh, you’re trying to steal him from me with your sarcasm. (Pushes Megan into a jumper line.)
Meg. Ahhhh( Jumper line bites off her hand, but Megan pulls herself out.)

Tune: Into the Woods ‘Theme’

Into the house
To get the nair
Though we might not
We just don’t care
We’ll kill Ade
so fair is fair
We must begin the Murder

Take out a knife
and cut the cheese
near Ade’s face
it’s no disgrace
Then she’ll be dead
that’s what we said
We must begin the Mur-

(Car comes and runs over Megan. The door opens and out steps David. He is a 30 year old balding Chinese man.)
Ade. David! Hey! What’s up?
Dav. The sky, but that could change.
Ade. Yeah, well I already took care of Heather, and it seems that you took care of Megan. Now there’s only one person left.
Dav. Yes. We must kill him. Get the potatoes.

Act Four

Next Scene: The back yard of Heather’s house

(Enter Darren, Ade, and David at same time)
Dar. What are you doing here?
Ade. You insulted Andy! You die!
Dar. Why are you talking in such bad English?
Ade. Never you mind. Anyway, this is David, my assassin.
Dav. Pleased to meet ‘cha
Dar. Same here. So, how long have you been working as an assassin?
Dav. Oh, about 8 years now. I’m getting married and my new wife won’t let me kill anybody anymore.
Dar. (Sympathetically) That’s too bad. I’ve heard abstaining from murder is a tough habit to break.
Dav. Hey Ade, do I really have to kill this guy? He’s nice.
Ade. Kill him now, or you won’t get dessert.
Dar. What! Your going to kill me! You meany-pants! I am very upset with you, David!
Dav. Sorry man, you said yourself it’s a tough habit to break.
Dar. Rude.
Ade. Shoot!
Dav. (Pulls out a potato gun and starts shooting slices of potatoes at him) Die, evil insulter of Andy!
Dar. Ahhhhh, I hate potatoes! They taste like unflavored toothpaste! Ahhhh-coaaccchhh! (gurgles and dies in a pile of potatoes)
Dav. So, now what? Can I have dessert now?
Ade. Yeah, but first we need a song depicting ourselves in an appropriately unsuitable manner.
Dav. How about The Stupid Song?
Ade. OK.
Tune: Lithium

I’m so ugly
that’s OK ‘cause so are you
Dav.
The ugly sheep
Ade.
I’m so happy
that’s because I have no brain
Dav.
I shaved my legs
Ade.
And I’ll kill you, but that’s cool
‘cause you’ll die
Both. (Yelling mindlessly)
Interestingly
Interestingly
Interestingly
Interestingly

I’m Crazy, I’m just gonna crack
I’m Nut-so, I’m just gonna crack
I’m Stupid, I’m just gonna crack
I’m a Moron, I’m just gonna crack

Dav. That was an interesting song.
Ade. I know. I heard the tune on a show about mass murders.
Dav. Oh, well. I have to go get married.
Ade. Hey, bring your wife some potatoes on me! (Sweeps all the potatoes up into a garbage bag and hands them to David)
Dav. Thanks. Whenever I hear about a homicide, I’ll think of you.
Ade. Awww, shucks.

Act Five

Next Scene: Tomorrow at Ade’s dinner table at breakfast

apm. Hey, Ade. Did you see this article in the newspaper about your friend David?
Ade. No. What about him?
apm. Apparently he gave his wife a bag of potatoes containing a dead horse and she dumped it on him and he was contaminated with the P virus.
Ade. What’s that?
apm. It’s a deadly disease that comes only in potatoes grown in Russia.
Ade. (To herself) Russia? Could Heather have something to do with this?
(Enter Heather as a ghost)
Hea. Hah, I’m gonna kill you, Bob!
Ade. No, not my real name! That’s the only thing that will kill me! Don’t say my name!
Hea. What? Bob?
(Enter Megan as ghost)
Meg. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob....
Ade. AHHHHHHHH!!!! (Dies)
(Enter Ade’s ghost)
Ade. Hah, hah. Now I can annoy you guys in Purgatory! Meg. Yes, perhaps. But we know what your punishment for killing us is.
Ade. What?
Hea. Mother of Sorrows continuous Sunday School for 200 years.
Ade. NOOOOOO!
(Evil laughter as the torturer’s of Purgatory, otherwise known as teachers, come and drag Ade away, but first say a magic spell in Latin on Heather and Megan. Faint sound of a church hymn in the background)
Hea. Hey, what’s that noise?
Meg. Oh my god, it sounds like a thousand teachers!
Kno. YOU WILL FORGET “IN THE PAST!
Both. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
(5 minutes later)
Hea. Well, Megan, I guess you’re no longer royalty and I’m no longer a cheerleader.
Meg. Yeah, Sucks, don’t it?
Hea. I can’t be snobby anymore.
Meg. And I can’t be a royal pain.

Hea.
Tune: Somewhere over the Rainbow (Semi-warped version)

Somewhere in Purgatory
A Queen lies
with a Russian and Assassin
While Ade screams and cries

Meg.
Somewhere in Purgatory
I can’t say “We”
Heather’s not snobbish, Ade’s full of rubbish
and David’s ugly
Both.

One day I’ll kill all those bad sheep
and then I will fall fast asleep
and dream of cheese

One day I’ll sing a song 9 times
called “In the Past” with all it’s rhymes
and I’ll forget i
t
Hea.

Somewhere in Purgatory
We’ll forget the past
Where killer sheep and witches creep
around, but it won’t last

Epilogue

Meg. I’m sorry if I do something unrequired when I reincarnate, Heather.
Hea. I hope Ade stays the same.
Meg. With all the torture she’s going through in Mother of Sorrow’s, I’d be surprised.
Hea. I’ll remember it. The cursed Kno-le-gee must have put a spell on us to forget that beautiful song. Thank god at least we have our right brains to store this stuff in. Ade will just act like she always does.
Meg. Yeah, she doesn’t need to remember anything.
Hea. We must pray we don’t do anything to ruin our memories of “In the Past.”
Meg. Yes, let’s repeat it now.
Both.
In the past when your mother was with child...

(Sad music plays while “In the Past” is said)

The End
(Click)

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