Sloth: A Musical
Sister Meganfoolli the OOO: A Bacterial Nun
Priestess Sarah: A Hanson Cult Leader
Heather: A lazy ghost
Brother Darren: An Anti-Hanson Cavallier
Sister Jack: Once a Killer Bunny Rabbit, now a nun
Sister Gregory: A Whatever, now a nun
Hanson: An evil girl band
Zac, Taylor, Issac: Members of Hanson
Father Leo: A brown sheep priest
Julie: A devoted worshiper of Danny Elfman
Followers: Followers of either Hanson or Danny Elfman
Nuns: The stupid chorus dedicated themselves to God, but still sing badly
Act One
Scene: A nunnery in Hilton Head
(Megan is lying lazily in bed, wearing her Power Ranger Pajama’s in a nunnery)
Tune: Take me out to the ball game
Meg.
Take me out of the nunnery
Take me out of this place
Get me a gun and I’ll get ahead
I hate it here, I’d rather be dead
and it’s shoot, shoot, shoot in the nunnery
Shoot, shoot, shoot and I’m free
Cause it’s 1, 2, 3 shots I’m out
of the nun-ner-y!
Jac. Megan! Put on your Nun’s habit! A Nun should never be seen in her
pajamas!
Meg. I can’t. I’m too lazy.
Jac. Megan, the only reason we let you become a nun is because you were too
lazy to get an actual job! I expect this favor to be paid through work! I’ll cure
you of your laziness if it’s the last thing I do.
Meg. Hey! I didn’t become a nun just because I was lazy, I became a nun
because of what happened at the annual school play.
Jac. Oh, and what happened?
tune: Oh, Say can you See
Oh, say did you see
the play Judges 19
where there’s more sick things here
then on Scream 2 or Fear
Oh say I loved that play
and read ‘bout it again
and that’s why I ‘came a nun
and abstain from all men
Jac. That is no reason to become a nun!
Meg. I was amazed at what evil’s the Bible contained. I read that book again
and again, becoming more and more satisfied as I learned of the 700
concubines of Solomon and the talking ass! That book was the best thing I’d
ever read. I immediately figured that as a nun, I’d get to read it every day. I
was also interested because of the rumor that you didn’t have to work as a nun,
but all in all I came because of Judges 19.
Jac. That’s it Megan! Go clean the gutters!
Meg. Awwwww. Dang it!
(Enter Sister Gregory)
Gre. Sister Jack the Killer Bunny Rabbit! You are required by the priest. Oh,
hello Sister Meganfoolli the OOO. I didn’t see you.
Meg. The Bunny’s making me clean the gutter.
Gre. Jack! You are being too harsh on our novice. She can’t help being lazy!
Jac. But laziness is one of the seven deadly sins.
Meg. But I’ve committed four others also and you haven’t yelled at me for them!
I’ve killed numerous times, lusted after an inanimate object, ate glue, and
thought myself to be royalty! And I think that sloth is one of the most likable sins
that exist!
Jac. Silence, heathen!
Meg. How dare you call me a heathen! Heather’s a heathen, not me!
(Heather, a ghost, appears in front of the Sisters)
Hea. I am not a heathen! I didn’t even know what that was until I looked it up,
and I am definitely not one!
Meg. You are too, you malapropismist!
Hea. That’s not even a real word!
Meg. You’re not even alive!
Hea. Well, you weren’t alive for a while, either. Oh, yeah, do you still remember
that thing?
Meg. What thing?
Hea. I remember hearing Kno-le-gee curse us with forgetfulness, but
forgetfulness of what?
Meg. I don’t remember. It’s probably not important, anyway.
Jac. Excuse me, Megan, but who are you talking to?
Meg. A ghost.
Jac. A ghost? Sister, you must take me for a fool!
Meg. I wouldn’t complement you like that!
Jac. Huh? Nevermind. Forget I asked. Go clean the gutter.
Meg. (Under breath) Killer Bunny Rabbit, indeed!
Jac. I heard that!
(Sister Meganfoolli the OOO and Sister Gregory the Whatever exit)
Jac. Fools! Both of them!
(Enter Father Leo)
Leo. Good day, Sister Jack the Killer Bunny Rabbit.
Jac. Good day, Father. (To herself) Oh, my God! He is so hot! Stupid vow of
chastity!
Leo. I have reports that you are being overly harsh on the nuns. Is this true?
Jac. NOO! They’re just overly sensitive!
Leo. You understand, Sister, that I must tend to the needs of all the nuns,
including yourself.
Jac. Yes, Father.
Leo. Good. Now will you excuse me while I go eat some brea-, I mean, pray.
Jac. Of course! (Leo Exits) Oh, what a beautiful sheep he is! I lust him so much!
Hea. Hey! This is Sloth, not Lust!
Jac. Did I hear something? Oh, well.
Tune: Fara Jacque
Father Leo
Father Leo
I love you
I love you
Lips big as your head
with all your wheat bread
Oh, brown sheep
Oh, brown sheep
Father Leo
Father Leo
I love you
I love you
You tasty hunk of mutton
Hea.
Hey! This isn’t glutton!
Gluttony!
Gluttony!
Act Two
Scene: Megan’s cell
(Enter Heather)
Hea. Hey Megan! Guess what I just heard!
Meg. Your mother howling for you?
Hea. Shut up! Any who, I just saw Jack the Killer Bunny Rabbit privately confess
her love of Father Leo!
Meg. If this was private, how did you hear it?
Hea. Hey! Being dead has it’s uses! Being invisable is one of ‘em.
Meg. Wait. If your invisible to all but myself...
Hea. And whoever else I wish to see me.
Meg. Who? George?
Hea. Shut up and finish your question!
Meg. Okay. If your invisible to all but myself, since you’re a ghost and have that
special privilege, is Andy a ghost too?
Hea. I don’t know! Ask Ade.
Meg. I can’t! She hasn’t reincarnated yet. She’s still in Mother of Sorrows
eternal Sunday School.
Hea. Oh, yeah. Didn’t Ade have a song or something that she always said?
Meg. I don’t know. Hey! Wait a minute! How come you haven’t reincarnated
yet?
Hea. Too lazy.
(Enter Sister Gregory)
Gre. Oh, Megan, you have a visitor!
Meg. Huh? Everyone I know is either dead or in Franklin! Who could it be?
(Exit Sister Gregory, enter Priestess Sarah in a wheelchair)
Meg. Oh my god! What happened?
Sar. Huh? (Recognition) Oh, my wheelchair. Nothing. I’m just too lazy to get up
and walk.
Meg. I wish I had a wheelchair.
Sar. So, what’s up?
Meg. The sky, but that could change.
Sar. Where’s Heather?
Hea. Right here!
Sar. AHHHHHHH!!! A WEREWOLF!!!
Hea. Hey! I’m not a werewolf!
Sar. Oh, sorry. It’s just that I haven’t seen you in a while and I forgot what you
look like.
Hea. Yeah, I’d be scared too if I saw a ghost.
Sar. You’re a ghost? I was talking about your facial features.
Hea. Shut up!
Meg. Soooooo, Sarah. What have you been doing while we were killing each
other?
Sar. Oh, didn’t I tell you? I’m the high priestess of the Cult of Hanson.
Meg. Heathen!
Hea. I’m the heathen, not her!
Meg. Why are you directing the insult toward yourself?
Hea. It’s just what I’ve continued to believe myself as being all these years.
Meg. A heathen?
Hea. It’s better than a bacteria!
Meg. Shut up! So, any-who Sarah, why are you here?
Sar. I’m here to rebaptize you into the Cult of Hanson.
Hea. Umm, no. I don’t worship Hanson.
Sar. No one’s perfect. That is, except me, and Hanson of course!
Meg. (To Heather) Hah, hah! You’re going be deemed a Hanson lover.
Hea. I can’t be baptized, I’m a ghost, and I would never let you anyways!
Sar. And you too, Megan.
Meg. I can’t, I’m a nun!
Sar. Well that’s stupid!
Meg. Look whose in a wheelchair!
Sar. Shut up, Heathen! I’m not finished. You’ll get to dye your hair yellow like
Hanson, wear Hanson tee-shirts, eat Hanson’s foods, and use Hanson’s
toothbrush!
Meg. How did you get that?
Sar. Let’s just say I have a little secret that you shall not be aware of.
Hea. You broke into their house and stole it?
Sar. Shut up!
Meg. (Singing) Sarah’s a thief, Sarah’s a thief....
Sar. Shut up so I can baptize ya’.
Meg. NO!
Hea. Me neither!
Sar. Please, my cult needs more members! We only have four thousand five
hundred sixty-seven.
Meg. And with us two it would be sixty-nine! No thank you!
Hea. Yeah, what would people think?
Meg. People or a certain black sheep?
Hea. People!
Meg. Oh.
Sar. Well, I see that you two are going to rot in heck!
Meg. Not if that’s were you’re going!
Sar. Whatever! Any who, can I go to the church to see how you heathen’s live?
Meg. Okay.
Sar. Fine. Bye.
Hea. Bye.
Act Three
Scene: Main Church
(Enter Sarah and twenty of her followers, who immediately collapse down lazily.
Mass going on presently. Church half-way filled with nuns)
Tune: Hallelujah
Nuns:
Noir Oveja, Noir Oveja, Noir Oveja, Noir Oveja, Noir Oveja.
Leo:
Aum Shum Jesus Nama...
Sar. (Interrupting)
Tune: Barbie Girl
I’m a Hanson girl
in my Hanson world
It’s fantastic, Taylor dolls of plastic
Yellow dyed your hair
sing Mmmbop everywhere
an obsession grows with each cult session
come on Hanson, let’s go dancin’
Followers: (mmm, mmm, mmm bop)
come on Hanson, let’s go dancin’
Nuns: (Shut up! Shut up!)
Sar. WHO DARES TO INTERRUPT THE SACRED HYMN OF HANSON??!!!!!!
Nuns. We do. You should be more respectful in a church!
Sar. This is place of heathens!
(Enter Megan)
Meg. What? Is Heather here?
(Enter Heather)
Hea. Huh?
Sar. Join us, Megan.
Meg. (Screams) Noooo!
Nuns. Get away, oh evil servant of Hanson!
Tune: Ride of the Valkyries
Go away, heathen
Go away, heathen
Go away, heathen
Go away
Or else we shall fight you
though that might delight you
Meg: And then I’ll bite you
All: So go away
Sar. How dare you! (Starts throwing Taylor Hanson plastic dolls at them)
Hea. Why aren’t you trying to punch them?
Sar. I don’t want to move.
Meg. Hey! Neither do I!
Sar. Lazy.
Meg. Speak for yourself.
Sar. I am. I just choose to push my nose into other people’s business.
Meg. How rude! (Gets a hit in the eye by Taylor’s arm) OWWWWW! I’m blind!
Sar. Hah Hah!
Nuns. You can’t do that to our novice! (Runs over and starts hitting Hansonites
with little girl hits)
Sar. Hey! That hurt!
(Enter Jack and Gregory)
Jac. What is the meaning of this?!
Nuns. They like Hanson!
Gre. Sinners! Get at ‘em, girls! (Resumes fighting)
(Enter Julie and her cult)
Jul.
Tune: Squeeze-it the mooshes
Well, guys let me tell you I’m so pleased to have found ya’
I told my followers almost all about ya’
You best be signin’ up for our new religion
Its the best around in the whole dang division
Fol.
Hi di hi di hi, hi di hi di hi
Nuns.
Hello hello
Fol.
Hello hello
You care to join our cult now, you care to join our cult now
Nuns.
Heck no! Heck no! Heck no! Heck no!
Jul.
Be smart right now, nuns, or you’ll regret it
If you don’t, I’ll be mad and I won’t forget this
But if you join up then you’ll be saved
the road to hell is with you heathens paved
Jac. Who are you?
Jul. We are the loyal Worshippers of the Almighty Danny Elfman, or WADE.
Meg. WADE?
Jul. We couldn’t come up with a better name.
Meg. Oh.
Jul. We have come to recruit the poor souls of this nunnery to the rightful path of
Danny.
Jac. I’m sorry, but in case you didn’t notice we’re previously occupied in
destroying the Hanson lovers, so if you’ll excuse us...
Jul. Hanson! I hate Hanson! (Begins to beat up Sarah and co.)
Fol. Hey, Julie! They just came out with a new Danny album!
Jul. OOHH MY GOD! Byebyehavefungottago! (She and followers run out of
nunnery).
Nuns. Can’t take that anymore, can you?
Sar. OWW! Stop it! Come on, oh loyal Hansonites! Let’s try and recruit those
Danny worshippers. (Leaves with followers, singing “Weird” in chanting voices
like that of those Benedictine monks)
Meg. That was odd.
Nuns. We scared them off! Yayyy! (Begin to clean up the mess).
(Enter Father Leo, screaming in terror)
Leo. Get them off me! Get them off me!
Jac. What’s on you?!
Leo. Taylor dolls! Their arms are caught in the loose strings of the holy robe!
Jac. Oh, you poor dear. (Rolls hand up in a cloth and starts to knock at the dolls)
Leo. Thank you so much! I’ve had it with this job. First I’m not allowed to be a
glutton and pig out on bread because it’s a sin! Then I’m attacked by the great
evils of Hanson! Its too much! I quit!
Jac. Then I’m going with you! Is there anyone else who wants to come?
Meg. Sorry. I’m too lazy.
Hea. Sorry. I’m too dead.
Meg. And lazy.
Hea. And lazy.
Jac. Megan, stop talking to yourself!
Meg. Oh, be quiet.
(Enter Darren, panting)
Dar. (Pant)..Have you seen..(pant)..Sarah...(pant)..here? I..(pant)..ran
here..(pant)..as soon as I heard..(pant)..that Hanson was being sung in a
church.
Meg. Sorry. Just missed her.
Dar. Where did she..(pant)..go?
Meg. Oh, due east, I think.
Dar. Okay. Bye.
Next Scene: Outside Church
Dar.
Tune: Hellfire
Vaita Cavellier
You know I’m not a Hanson fan
Above all else of this I’m justly proud
Vaita Cavellier
You know I’d hate the evil man
Who might fall in their sad and hopeless crowd
Then tell me Horse Woman
Why she is still standing there
Why her cult is thriving on its own
I fear her, I hate her
The crowd it claps and cheers her on
That sound will never leave me quite alone
Like Taylor’s its Taylor’s
This sound that’s in my head
Mmm bopping
Non-stopping
I wish that she were dead
Its not my fault (Maya Copa)
I’m not to blame (Maya Copa)
It is that Yi Wei girl, her cult, and Hanson’s fame
(Maya Maxima Copa)
She must be stopped (Maya Copa)
I’m just one man (Maya Copa)
So how can I alone stop Hanson’s evil plan?
Protect me, Horse Woman
Don’t let that music find our ears
Don’t let their singing go on without end
Destroy Sarah Hanson
And see who now will clap and cheer
When Hanson finds they’ve lost their dearest friend
Make fire, Dark fire
Then cook up some more bread
Stop now or, the fire
Will bake it so I’ve said
Leo eats the loaves (Keeree a alay eeson)
Hanson shares it with him (Keeree a alay eeson)
She will stop now or she won’t live (Christay alay eeson)
Hea. What was my brother doing here?
Meg. I don’t know. Why would he be looking for Sarah? He hates Sarah.
Hea. I don’t know. Do you want to watch TV?
Meg. Okay. (Turns on television. On it is Into the Woods)
Hea. Hey! I remember this!
Meg. Yeah! In the Past, right?
Hea. I can’t believe I forgot this.
Meg. Hah Hah.
Hea. You did too.
Meg. Shut up! Hey, I almost forgot about TV also. I think I’ll be watching this
while they work.
Hea. Good idea. I’m going down to Purgatory to check up on Ade.
Meg. Hmm? Whatever.
Next Scene: A bakery near Leo’s house
Dar. Now I’ve caught up with you!
Sar. Huh? Where did all my followers go?
Dar. I told them that Hanson is in town, which is true. Quite a pity that you won’t
live to see them.
Sar. What do you mean, they’re here?!
Dar. What! Aren’t you scared that I’m going to kill you?
Sar. OH MY GOD! Hanson’s here!? This is so cool!
Dar. Arrrgggghhh! (Picks up Sarah’s wheelchair and dumps her into a big pan
of batter. Presses button to start machine.)
Sar. (From inside machine) Hanson’s here! I can’t wait to meet them! Oh my
god they are so hot! Oh, Taylor, you are so cool...
Dar. Heh, heh, heh.
Scene: Leo’s house
Jac. I’m so happy I married you.
Leo. I am too, but I didn’t know that you were related to Hanson.
Jac. That’s the reason I’m known as Jack the Killer Bunny Rabbit. I have bad
blood. Did you know that me and my cousin’s Zac, Taylor, and Issac have
Kno-lee-gee as our great uncle.
Leo. Ewww! Remind me not to have any kids.
Jac. I just wish that Hanson hadn’t insisted on performing at the wedding.
Han. Mmmbop!
Zac. Hey! Here comes your friend Darren.
Leo. Yeah, we met right near the church after I quit being a priest.
(Enter Darren)
Dar. I brought you some bread. Happy Marriage or whatever.
Leo. Thanks! Come here, you little girl band! Try some bread! It’ll make you
grow into a man like me.
Han. Yeah right. Oh well. (They all begin to eat bread) Yuummmm!
Dar. Yeah, you might say the secret ingredient is (Whispers something in Leo’s
ear. Leo gives a big smile and takes a huge bite of bread. They all keep on
eating, but with Leo smiling happily while he’s doing so.)
Next Scene: Purgatory
(Enter Megan and Heather at the same time)
Hea. Why are you here?
Meg. I cracked up after watching the Simpsons so hard that I had a stroke and
died. I would have signaled for someone to help me but I was too lazy.
Hea. Hah Hah! You wanna talk to Ade.
Meg. Isn’t she still in Eternal Mother of Sorrows Sunday School?
Hea. Yeah, but I have a phone card. Here. (Gives Megan a cellular phone)
Meg. Yellow.
Ade. Green.
Meg. Blue.
Ade. Pink and a half.
Meg. Whatever. So did you hear that Darren got arrested for becoming a
cannibal and feeding people human flesh?
Ade (From the phone) No, what happened?
Meg. Apparently he killed Sarah and fed her to Hanson. Then he tried to kill
Hanson, but the ghost of Sarah jumped him and they got to safety. As a
punishment, Sarah is now forced to watch eight hours of the Spice Girls a week
in Purgatory. Shame, ain’t it?
Ade. Yeah. Oh well, gotta go reincarnate.
Meg. Already?
Ade. Yeah, they’re letting me off cause I drove six of the teachers insane. They
don’t want anymore casualties then they already have.
Meg. Good for you. Bye.
Ade. Bye.
Hea. So now what?
Meg. If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d get up and reincarnate right now.
Hea. Let’s borrow a wheelchair. I don’t want to get up.
Meg. Okay.
Tune: I wish I was in Dixieland
Oh, I wish I had a wheelchair
But I am too lazy
to find, to find
a good ol’ wheelchair
The End
(Click)
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