. . . It is not just wildlife that poses a threat to guy privates. Guys are not even safe from their own underwear. I have here an article published in 1991 by the South County Register of Walport, Oregon, headlined:MAN WINS LAWSUIT AFTER The article reported that this guy purchased some new underwear at a department store, wore them to bed, and woke to discover that the underwear inspection label -- this particular pair had been inspected by Number 12 -- was stuck to his personal organ. He could not get it off.
PRIVATES ARE "LABELED"So he had to take his organ to a medical clinic. I bet that was fun. I bet he really enjoyed explaining the situation to the receptionist, especially if the clinic was crowded that day and the receptionist was the kind of person who liked to make jokes. ("Look on the bright side, sir! At least it passed inspection!" Loud laughter from the other patients in the reception area.)
The clinic was able, using solvents, to remove the label. But then, the article tells us, the guy developed "a severe rash," and although the rash did respond to treatment, the guy was eventually left with "a permanent scar the size and shape of the inspection label."
There probably are some guys who might try to turn this kind of thing to their advantage, especially in singles bars ("Hi! Wanna see my label?"). But this guy, who was a lawyer (not that this makes it any less tragic), sued the department store, claiming that he had been "made a laughingstock" within his family ("So, Morton, you devil, when are you going to let us meet this Number 12?"). He wound up collecting three thousand dollars.
The ultimate example of an unfortunate guy medical emergency is of course the famous one involving John Bobbitt, whose wife, Lorena, cut off his penis with a knife, the drove off with it and threw it out the car window (Thereby simultaneously exposing herself to charge of littering, and her husband to a charge of indecent exposure). Fortunately the police were able to track down the penis (even though it was not labeled hehe) and take it to the hospital, where it was placed in a lineup with five other penises so Mr. Bobbitt could identify it.
No, really, it was surgically reattached to Mr. Bobbitt, and this incident became a huge national news event. For weeks, every time you turned on the TV, there was a perky female news anchorperson smiling cheerfully and using the phrase "cut off his penis with a kitchen knife" at every possible opportunity. ("We have a cold front moving into Virginia, the very state where John Bobbitt's wife cut off his penis with a kitchen knife.") U.S. industrial output dropped sharply because so many guys where walking around with both hands over their privates.
Today, of course, John Bobbitt's penis is a major celebrity with its own agent and a successful show-business career. This particular penis is far better known then the U.S. vice president (what's his name). Nevertheless this was a chilling incident for guys, and i for one think we are way overdue for a federal ban on the sale or possession of kitchen knives. I also think that, just in case, we should have a mandatory registration of Salad Shooters.
© 1999 ~*~ mel ~*~
