Healthy Boundaries

The inability to say no when necessary is common. Basically, people who cannot say no have not learned how to create and maintain appropriate boundaries.

Boundaries are like borderlines that define our sense of self. They let us experience ourselves as separate from others. With healthy, well-established boundaries, we can set limits without feeling guilty or fearful of a loss of love or acceptance.

Check the following to determine what kind of boundaries YOU have:

~HEALTHY Boundaries~

• Can say no or yes. You have a free choice.

• Can deal with it when others say no to you.

• Strong sense of identity - you respect yourself.

• Share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.

• Expect reciprocity in a relationship--share responsibility.

• Know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else. Don’t rescue.

• Will not tolerate abuse or disrespect.

~RIGID Boundaries~

• Likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.

• Avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc.)

• Fear abandonment OR engulfment--so avoid closeness.

• Rarely share personal information.

• Difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.

• Have few or no really close relationships.

~COLLAPSED Boundaries~

• Cannot say no. . .fear rejection--abandonment.

• High tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.

• Absorb feelings of others.

• Share personal information too soon. . .before establishing mutual trust/sharing.

• Often feel you deserve mistreatment.

• Avoid conflict.

• Hard to see flaws in others--focused on your efforts to please.

• No clear sense of self.

People with collapsed boundaries feel they can keep others in their lives only by being accomodating and undemanding. They fear that setting limits or demanding respect will result in rejection or abandonment. THEY OFTEN ALLOW THEMSELVES TO BE TREATED IN WAYS THEY WOULD NEVER TREAT ANYONE ELSE.

If you are willing to work at it, YOU CAN DEVELOP HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. The payoff is more clarity, increased self esteem, and a stronger sense of identity.