THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF

by Rich

Every weekday is pretty much the same for me. I wake up at 6 am to an annoying alarm. I have a full bladder and I want to use the head, but my dickhead suitemate and his addiction to buttered popcorn is usually in the shower. My room is not much bigger than a storage shed and out of 200 people that live in this godforsaken building called the barracks, I'm the one and only sailor. So right there people always ask me stupid questions. "If you're in the navy, why do you live in these barracks?" You see, I'm stationed at Misawa Air Base. Not Misawa Air Force Base. But, the majority of personnel here are in the Air Force. And idiots. So I tell these mental midgets that I work at AFN. The American Forces Network. I work with TV channels, a radio station, and I make commercials for TV. It's an extremely lucrative job and I like it. The barracks I live in is like a ghetto. EVERYBODY here listens to music at extremely high decibels. I'm not one to complain about that. But it's fucking rap and hip hop music. Not my favorite genre of music. I hate people who bank at ATM's. I use the ATM every payday. But I do one thing. I make a cash withdrawal. But the fuckheads here get the ATM confused with the bank. They insert their card, do account balances for both checking and savings, make transfers from account to account, make a deposit, do a balance to make sure it went through and then make a withdrawal. Not only for cash, but for yen also. The entire process takes about 5 to 8 minutes. So I'm left there standing with my dick in my hand humming a tune and thinking about going down on Christina Ricci. (She's on my "Things to Do" list as is Katie Holmes) And there's usually one or more people in line, so that just makes the wait longer. I'm not a very patient person. It's just one virtue I don't have. Another thing that pisses me off is shopping. On a military installation, if you're writing a check, you're required to put extra information on your check, such as your social, home phone, work phone etc. Now these fucking people will have a shit load of worthless shit to buy, they don't fill out the required fucking information when they're standing in line do they? They don't fill it in while the cashier is scanning their goods do they? No. They wait until all their shit is scanned before they even pull out their fucking checkbook. Assholes. And usually I'll just be buying some apple juice for $1.09. There I am once again, waiting in a fucking line so these cocksuckers can balance their checkbooks properly. Half the time they ask for a calculator to do the math. Therefore holding up the line even more. Meanwhile, I'm standing there with an incredulous look on my face with a dollar and a dime in my hand. It's people like them that make people like me want to kill people like them. I hate the people at the video store. Except for Scott. He's pretty cool. They're rude, they don't greet you or say thank you when you've made a purchase and they don't offer any assistance when looking for a flick. You can't rent pornography here and you can't buy pornographic magazines. You can buy Playboy and Celebrity Skin, because they're considered "Soft Porn" They call it that because you can't get hard looking at the pictures. I'm a pretty big porn aficianado. I like tits and ass. I love my wife, but I still like to look at chics, and she understands that. Hell if I were a chic I'd never leave my room. I'd be standing there shirtless staring at a mirror. But I digress. Drunk people piss me off. I like to get drunk, but at least I don't start shit and get all violent and throw up on everything. I do dumb shit like fall down and brake my collarbone (Oct 21, 1998) But the people who get drunk here start shit. They're loud, obnoxious, rude, inconsiderate, condescending and stupid. Just like they are when they're sober, but even more so under the effects of spirits. I hate those people on Wheel of Fortune who don't know the answer before I do. I hate the people on Jeopardy! who don't know half the shit Nicole and I do. I hate chain wallets. I hate that one guy with the shaved head at the bowling alley who thinks he's punk because he has a Dropkick Murphy's cd. I hate fat chicks called Crazy Daisy. I hate that bitch who called me while I was doing a radio showed and got pissed at me because I made fun of her daughter over the air the day before. (She requested to hear Brittney Spears) I hate hippies. I had alot more shit that pisses me off written earlier, but I forgot to save it. This is my piece of shit attempt to try and remember what I wrote last time. Oh well. I'll rant and rave all I want and everyone and everything I hate will still be there. Now for things I like: my dogs, my mom, my wife, my cd's, mr. happy (use your imagination) porn, booze, naked chicks easy chicks who gave me sex because they were drunk when I was younger, spices (for food) my moms potato soup, bowling ,v8, beef jerky and pickles, the internet, that's about it.