1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks write, “for sensual massage.”
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
  4. Wear an eye glass and tap on it randomly with a pen while talking with others.
  5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  6. Insist on keeping your windshield wipers running in all weather conditions, “to keep them tuned up.”
  7. Reply to everything someone says with, “That's what YOU think.”
  8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to random people.
  10. Make beeping noises when you back up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with prophecy.”
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Yell random numbers while people are counting. . . oh wait, everyone already does this.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that the people are all green, and insist you “like it that way.”
  16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated and eat the complementary mints at the cash register.
  20. TYPE IN ONLY UPPERCASE.
  21. don't use any punctuation either
  22. Buy a large quantity of orange cones and re-route entire streets.
  23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What” “Nevermind, it's gone now.”
  24. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  25. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “No, wait -- I messed it up.” Then repeat.
  26. Ask people what gender they are.
  27. While talking to people, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  28. Sit in your front yard and point a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  29. Sing along at the opera.
  30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  31. Tell your friends you can't attend their party five days in advance because “you're not in the mood.”
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about “psycological profiles.”


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