#1
Before criticizing people, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when
you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their
shoes.
#2
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.
#3
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good
reason.
#4
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me
a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
#5
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face.
#7
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
#8
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
#9
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and
she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
#10
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
#11
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.
#12
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so
is mankind.
#13
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
Forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
#14
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
#15
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
#16
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than
a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
#17
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never
expect it.
#18
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs
in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good
idea but it's just eggs hatching.
#19
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there,
in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good
books.
#20
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's
like a regular window.
#21
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the
corner."
#22
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
#23
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is
you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
#24
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I
bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy
was reading a magazine.
#25
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe
me?
#26
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over
here, looking through your stuff.
#27
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not
add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
#28
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the
ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a
documentary.
#30
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and
then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
#31
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a
new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the
nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head"
would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if
flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean
"having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually
think that.
#32
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed
me a lot of money."
#33
The smart man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole
universe, but the stupid man will find some seaweed and roll
around until he's all covered in it and go, 'Hey! I'm vine man!'
#34
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say: That's dynamite, baby.
#35
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
#36
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be 'Clark Kent, Dentist,' because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said: How's my back tooth? and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said: Oh it's okay, then the patient would probably say: Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid? and you'd say: Aw &*$# you, get outta here, and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
#37
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
#38
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
#39
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said: Dust to dust, some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others: I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun.
#40
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
#41
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
#42
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said: I helped skin Bob.
#43
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
#44
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. 'You don't have to tell me,' I said. 'I'm off the team, aren't I?' 'Well,' said Coach 'you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.' It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can old. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
#45
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
#46
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
#47
I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat.' It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off!
#48
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
#49
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Tramp-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
#50
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons. (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
#51
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
#52
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
#53
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions', and if you got a different 'impression', so what, can't we all be brothers?
#54
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
#55
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
#56
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think: Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.
#57
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
#58
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
#59
Sometimes I wish I were dead. No, wait. Not me — you.
#59
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
#60
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, hmmm, boy.
