Tuesday, February 13, 2001
Just finished calling in my survey results rating Camel cigarette's new "Turkish Gold" brand. Pretty tasy but I'm so used to smoking light cigarettes, these nearly blew me away. I know most people don't smoke at all anymore. And of those who do, many say light cigarettes are too light-- what's the point in smoking them? But I like light cigarettes. I do not want to quit smoking (& yes, I do feel guilty admitting that.) Also, I feel guilty admitting I like having my name on both Camel & Marlboro mailing lists. But the truth is I get a lot of coupons and some free cigs that way. So anyway, (cough, cough), on to the rest of my day.
Lauren & Heather brought Girl Scout cookies over this morning. It was like setting a bottle of scotch in front of an alcoholic. I'm not going to tell you how many I ate before I threw the rest into the freezer. Suffice to say, I ate more than a day's worth of calories and two day's worth of fat. At this rate I better just go to bed until Saturday. Heather made up some business cards to go with the cookies, to thank people and tell them where to call to get more. Pretty clever-- I thought it was something scout headquarters had designed. Joe had to carry two cases of cookies with him to work (kind souls ordered them.) Heather said eleven cases in all were delivered to her house. That's a lot of cookies-- I'm glad I'm not at her house. She said she had to carry them out to her car and go to bed early last night to keep from eating them. At least she has will power-- all I ever seem to find is won't power.
Yesterday when I took Lauren to the bus stop, we could hear a dog barking but couldn't see any. One of the mothers said the dog was across the street, on the porch behind a pillar, standing up at the window barking to be let in. Another mother said, "I used to have a cat that did that." I said, "You had a cat that barked?" No one even laughed....except me. Today we took the Growlf-meister with us. He throughly enjoyed all the kids making a fuss over him but I had a feeling on the way home, he was disappointed... truth be told, it wasn't much of a walk. Sheba (the queen of) is sitting on the chair beside me watching me type. She seems very intrigued unless I look at her at which time, she turns her head away as if to show me, I'm boring the hell out of her. Every once in awhile she sneaks a paw up and hits me on my side. Hasn't stuck THE CLAW in yet but I have a feeling it's coming.
I cannot believe the Penguins lost to the Wild the other day. And Mario's back is hurt and he didn't score once. If they play like that tomorrow night or he takes off to recuperate, I'm gonna cry. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I don't know why I had to pick a game with a team nobody's ever heard of. And pay full price for tickets when we could have got them at a discount at Giant Eagle (or maybe for free from Marilyn.) Stupid, stupid, stupid. The older I get, the more stupid I become. At this rate, it won't be long at all until I'm a drooling idiot. But hey, who's to say drooling idiots aren't happy. Maybe they are the happiest people in the world. In which case, I couldn't complain about being depressed anymore. Actually, either way I probably couldn't complain anymore. (I know you're saying, "Bring on the drool."
Since we're really not talking about anything of consequence, and most of this is stream of (un)conciousness, our old dog Wasser could drool better than anybody. He'd sit beside you while you ate and it would come pouring out the side of his mouth, dripping all over your leg. I kid you not-- he was DROOL KING. (Not to be confused with SKY KING, who had a thing for Penny. Or the RAIN KING, who is Adam Duritz. Or the KING OF PAIN, who was Sting. Or THE KING, who was Elvis, as everyone knows.) This entry is rapidly deteriorating into pure crap. Don't say I didn't warn you. Put your boots on if you plan on reading any further. Remind me to tell you about a certain person and what she/he did with a knife someday. But I digress...
Where was I? Ah yes, stupidity, drooling, Wasser. He was not stupid but very intelligient--- a noble dog. I have a picture of him hanging downstairs that I have to scan in and put on my web page. I could also scan in Saud (the stud of Enola.) And Augie Doggie (whose Latin name was Augus Dogus.) Sheba thinks I'd better include some felines... Kitty, old black with one glass eye... Manny, who used to talk to me when I'd come home from Harrisburg... Angel, who was too sweet and... Jessica, who was not. Unfortunately, I don't have pictures of them all but I do have unforgettable memories. I sincerely believe all were sent to help and watch over me. (By the way, THE CLAW has emerged... it's digging it into my skin every few minutes, "Pet me, Pet me.")
Guess I'd better finish & upload this entry before today turns into tomorrow or the day after... thanks for reading...
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Sunday, February 11, 2001
Early morning-- 7:19. Got up to let the dog out and decided to come up here and fool around on the computer. There's a cardinal outside my window who's singing his little heart out...he makes it worth waking up this early.
Finally took a ride down to the country...Friday. It was unheard of warm here-- 70 degrees. The paper said the last time it was this warm on this date was 1925. My mom would have been almost six years old, a year younger than Lauren. Everything at Majorsville seemed to be in order. Creek was high, clear, looked cold. Growlf jumped in anyway. Without leaves on the trees, everything looked naked and vulnerable. Didn't spy any critters but found evidence of them all over the property... deer mostly. We didn't stay long, just took a walk in the woods. I was wishing we had brought some food and clothes and could stay the whole weekend.
Talked to Bill last night. He's still researching the family tree, wanted some names and dates from me. I told him all my "research" was in the wrong direction. Instead of finding my roots, I found my branches. Realized when I was talking to him, I never posted the new stuff. Meant to but never got around to it. Maybe I'll get around to it now. He's still in touch with Eddie in Ireland. I haven't heard anything from him in ages and ages. Bill said it's probably because he's very busy working and not because he hates me. (I'm not paranoid-- who told you that I was??)
I didn't accomplish much yesterday. Listened to and got lost in a few Moody Blues albums. I was writing in my real journal and feeling very up then the next thing I knew, I was still writing but fell down into the abyss. It never ceases to amaze me how that can happen. I know I have a chemical imbalance but I take all sorts of chemicals to balance that out. So why does it still seem like I can just be strolling along happily and then the bottom drops out from under me? Joe and I talked awhile about the elephant in the room. We've been ignoring the subject for a long time but the elephant was threatening to suffocate us. Didn't get anything resolved but felt better just acknowledging it. Hey, speaking of breathing easier, you'll all be glad to know I'm squared away with the Library Police. Only owed four dollars (only?) I may never borrow another book-- I'm just not ready for commitment.
Lauren and Heather went to the Back Street Boys concert Friday night. When I asked Lauren how it went she said "it was pretty good except they only played slow songs so it sorta sucked." I liked that answer much better than the local newspaper reviewer who said the whole thing was "about marketing, not music." Duh!
I'm reading Hannibal. Thought I should before I see the movie. Then I read reviews of the movie & it didn't sound as if it was that good. Silence of the Lambs was (that good), both book and movie, but I do remember when I first read it I found it so disturbing I couldn't bring myself to recommend it to anyone else. Joe read Hannibal and said he hated the ending. I've heard Jodie Foster hated the ending also and that's one reason she didn't want to play Clarice again (the other reason involved money, lots of it.)
Later........7:27 at night
Well, this day went fast. Joe & I just spent the last hour and a half trying to decide what to have for dinner... talk about the eggshell family. In that amount of time, we could have gone to the store, bought food, come home, cooked it, eaten it and then cleaned up afterwards. We were just a little overdue for our xanax. So he's at the store now. I don't know what we decided on??? Either Lean Cuisine or soup or baked potatoes, I think.
Talked to Heather. She was feeding the one-eyed cat that lives under her porch (not to be confused with innumerable others who visit or the two who live inside.) She found out Lauren's friends have been coming down and playing in the garage while she & Lauren aren't home. Guess her garage door won't close all the way (the frame is warped) so the padlock that is on it is useless. I'm not going to think about one-eyed cats or garages that won't lock, not right now.
Have a lovely evening and thanks for reading...
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I've been writing this damn entry for three days now. I think the problem is I have nothing interesting to say. Anyway, it all started on ...
Tuesday, February 6, 2001
Just got off the computer talking to Joe at work. He said I should take Growlf for a walk since it's sunny out. Guess I should. He (Growlf) is laying here on the floor beneath me while I write. I think he and Sheba are Angels sent to watch over me.... I know they are more patient and loving than most people I know.
It may be sunny but it's not warm. According to Accuweather, it's only supposed to go up to 39 degrees today. If you hold your cursor over the hyperlink on the bottom of the page you'll see the URL. The part after the question mark (where it says "thiszip=15301&btnzip=go") is ASP, Active Server Pages. That was the class I retook at Pitt last week. The one I had to repeat because I couldn't get it the first time through. This time I "learnt" a little. The idea is to make the web site more interactive. I've been playing around with it on another web site (Angelfire doesn't support it so can't use it here.) It's pretty cool. Once I get it to do anything interesting, I'll put a link to it from here so you all can see
The Library Police are going to get me if I don't get those books back soon. They did that one time you know, to my brother Bill. Actually came to our house and looked through our bookcase and found an overdue book! After we told them we didn't have it. And he pretends to be so good.... hmmm. Of course he wasn't home at the time, must have been at Penn State. But they sure did give me dirty looks (I was the sister of the criminal.) Anyway, the books I have out now are a week late. Bad part is I already renewed them once so I've really had them for over a month... and I never finished reading a couple of them. What a Loser. Made Joe promise he'd go with me tonight.
I'm a'feared I'm a'getting a little crazy agin. Getting harder and harder to get anything together and/or get out of this house. It sucks me back in before I get out the door like some powerful vortex. Only good thing is (at least right now) it's not making me any more depressed than usual... in fact, sometimes I think I'm enjoying it way too much.
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Scuba diving-- isn't it something you've always wanted to do? According to CNBC, who was quoting some famous Scuba Diving magazine, Morehead City, North Carolina is the second best place in the world to go scuba diving. That's wild. I would think places with coral reefs would be a lot more popular (or are coral reefs more suitable for snorkeling?) One of these days when I get around to doing all the things I want to do before I die, I'm gonna have to learn how to scuba dive (and snorkel.) |
Lauren was working on her spelling homework one morning last week. She showed me a page that she had finished but not turned in yet. The assignment was to use each of her spelling words in a sentence. I read it and she had used all the words in one sentence. I told her an easy way to think up sentences for each so she rewrote it and threw the original paper away. Later I started thinking about what she had originally written and it started out so poetically. Something like, "There were bells ringing all the days..." I felt terrible that I had "helped" her. The sentences I helped her write were so <snore> boring. She was probably going to grow up to be a famous writer then Nana stepped in and put an end to all that creativity. Jeez, I'm not helping with her homework anymore.
Read that no one who is anyone uses serif fonts on a web page anymore. Well, excuse me! Ok, so I've switched this entry to display in Ariel. Never let it be said you can't teach an old Jani new tricks. Hope this is better on everyone's eyes. Didn't mean to make it hard to begin with. The old font was just the default, okay?? I'm getting out of here before I continue to make an ass out of myself. Thanks for reading. Talk to you sooner than later.
Wednesday, February 7, 2001
Didn't manage to post this yet. Lost a whole day there somewhere. Didn't get to the library or the craft store yet. Did order a couple of books and two CD's from Amazon. One is Black Dog Opera Library's version of La Boheme. It's a combo CD/book, has the story, the libretto in Italian and English, and of course, the opera....I can't wait. I watched the movie "Moonstruck" again the other night. Wasn't that the coolest movie. I loved Cosmo's moon. And the old man with all the doggies.
Thursday, February 8, 2001
Talked on the phone to Marilyn last night. She wants Winona Ryder to play her in her biography. Said Sissy Spacek can play me. Joe chose Richard Gere to play himself which made all of us hysterical. She said he should have the guy who played Jethro on the Beverly Hillbillies. He said she should have the woman who played Miss Jane Hathaway.
We had a great dinner there the other night, Sunday. She made meatloaf and roasted vegetables. We provided the starch (potatoes) and more starch (Italian bread.) Had to stop off at the grocery on our way there and I was starving. To hold me over, had to buy some bite-sized Orville Redenbacher chocolate & peanut flavored popcorn cakes. I thought they were pretty tasty and left the rest of the bag at Merles. She said they tasted like chocolate sprayed on Styrofoam. This from a woman who used to buy Frookies?! Oh the shit we eat so we won't eat other shit... Heather's on a diet and her dinner last night was a cup of tuna and peas and cauliflower.
I see my old boss finally got their web site updated. I was mad because before I left, I had been bugging him for months to let me do it. But then I noticed all the typos... had to laugh, what a Jerk.
I am so into those old episodes of Homicide running on Court TV. Damn, it had to be one of the best shows on, ever. Did I tell you we were picked as a Nielson family. Had to keep this little diary of everything we watched for a week. It was a little scary because first of all most of the shows we watch are about murder and mayhem. And second, most of it were old shows that have been canceled. Anyway, NBC should have never canceled Homicide-- it was a crime (no pun intended.)
Still haven't made it to the library. I'm starting to get worried. What if I can't ever take those books back? What if I can't stop hitting myself in the head? Marilyn tells me I was a head-knocker when I was a little kid. Kinda scary. Maybe that's what's wrong with me... I quit.
But back to the books. I'm still reading them. What if I never finish reading them? My grandfather supposedly received a book for Christmas one year and got mad and asked what he needed it for-- he already had a book. Read in the paper this morning that between the ages of 40 and 60, it's normal to lose 20% of your mental ability. Shit. That must be what's happening to me-- I'm losing all twenty percent at once.
What books? Do I have any what?
Okay, time to finish this and post it and forget it. Thanks for reading and if you didn't, you can thank yourself.
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Must have been a dream
Just some kind of strange dream
I dreamed I cared for you
And I dreamed you cared for me
Wednesday, January 24, 2001 - afternoon
I don't get how it can be January twenty-four in the year Two Thousand and One. All these days are astounding, the seasons and years changing and moving on. We had eight inches of the white stuff over the weekend-- snow that stuck to tree limbs, and ran off the roof freezing drop by drop, forming beautiful, dagger-shaped icicles. Today the sun is out. It's warm enough to just start melting. (I'm melting, I'm melting.)
Lauren has recovered from an abscessed tooth. Man that kid has had some rotten times at the dentist. This time she went to an oral surgeon who gave her nitrous oxide and novocaine before pulling it. But she still felt it. And something-- the abscess, the gas, the amoxycillan, or a combination of the three-- made her sick as a dog for a couple of days afterwards.
I'm still reading the Updike novella-- Rabbit Remembered. I'm taking as long as possible because I love these characters. I've loved them for so many years. I feel like I am them... Rabbit, Janice, Nelson, Charlie, Ruth. I am them and they are me. I do not want to finish their story, not ever. Not no how, not no way. When I do finish, I will have to start over at the beginning, Rabbit Run and read through all the books again.
Joe's 50th birthday was last Friday. As is always the case, I screwed up. Tried to make a scrapbook for him out of old pictures & whatnot I found in suitcases from his parent's house and from boxes & drawers around here. I bought a book and extra pages, some pens and glue. Took all day Friday finding the junk I wanted to include. Then at the last minute, when I went to put it together, I realized I had bought the wrong book & the wrong inserts. They didn't go together, not at all. Ended up giving him the stuff in file folders... tacky and stupid. I did get Penguin tickets. We're going to go see them play somebody we never heard of.... the Minnesota Wild or something like that... on Valentine's Day. It'll be neat-- I can't wait to see Mario. Heather wishes I had bought her a ticket also but I couldn't afford it. She and Lauren came over Friday night for a spaghetti dinner, and ice cream & cake. She brought the funniest thing for Joe... a statue of a little old guy with red shorts pulled up over his stomach and wizened chicken legs beneath. He's holding a piece of cake in one hand and a party tooter in the other, and is wearing a red party hat on his head. He's the most horrible thing you can imagine... Birthday Guy. I thought she was going to rupture something she was laughing so hard. She & Lauren also bought Joe a nice flannel shirt.
I'm trying to read Italo Calvino's If on a winter's night a traveler. Very bizarre, a book about someone reading a book. I think if I stick with it, I'll really like it.
The big question is am I going crazy again? I don't know what the answer is. I'm more confused than ever about what crazy means. I'm having trouble adjusting to not working... the lack of a routine, no set schedule, losing that way to define myself. I appear to be bouncing around sanity quite a bit. I have so much I want to do but some days I just sleep. I know that's not good. I am enjoying seeing Lauren in the mornings, fixing her breakfast and taking her to the bus stop. I feel terribly guilty about not bringing in any money. Nobody ever said you were supposed to love your job so who do I think I am just quitting like I did, with nothing to "fall back on." Joe's working 10 hour days, four days a week. We have Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays together. Sometimes we even enjoy ourselves. Took our friggin Christmas tree down this week, at last. Yes Virginia, there is life after Santa. All our old homemade ornaments are flaking away. Bought some shellac to try to seal them up again. Hate to lose them-- we've had them since we lived in Enola.
Not much else to report. I wish I could take back all the stupid stuff I've said over this lifetime. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. I wish I wasn't afraid of everything. I wish someone would call me. Growlf says "Hi" or at least I think that's what he means by biting his rear end. Thanks for reading. Drop me a line sometime.
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Alive alive
I want to get up and jive
Want to wreck my stockings in some
jukebox dive
Sunday - January 7, 2001 - afternoon
It's 41 degrees and the sun is out and everyone here is outside washing their cars or taking walks or riding bikes--- feels like summertime!!! Joe's out scraping the remnants of this winter's snow and ice off our back walk. The bottom layer of that snow fell from the sky in early November... that's old snow.
I washed my car up at the put-your-quarters-in-and-spray type car wash. I keep saying I use it because I don't want any mechanized car wash scratching up my paint. This is only half the truth. The other half is I am super paranoid about going to a regular car wash and not being able to get my wheels up on the track. It's happened before (many cars ago)-- I almost had to have car wash guy get in the car because I couldn't seem to line it up right. So now you know... my biggest, deepest, darkest secret. I have nothing left to hide. I'm totally exposed, naked, vulnerable. My whole life has been shaped by that car wash debacle. Could it be that car washes have no idea the emotional scars they are capable of leaving? I think not. I think they know and they don't care. They laugh up their brushes at you when you're not looking. They whisper cruel gossip about you to other car washes. They squirt hot wax on your windshield, the kind that will never be rinsed off, and the kind that means you will look through hazy gauze for the rest of the car's days. It has nothing to do with the fact that you smoke 20 gazillion cigarettes and never bother washing the inside of the windshield. NO... it's that hot wax that gets you every time.
Snow, by the way, is excellent for finishing off your car, after you come back from the quarter car wash and find streaky streaks all over your car. Salt and grime that just won't wash off no matter how high pressure the water hose is. I just discovered this today and I'm sure I should patent it.... SNOWY CAR WASH. I'd have to have a snow machine for summer I guess but the point is after your rub that snow over your car and dry it, it shines like a gemstone-- polished, shimmering, glittering. Snow is incredible-- just wet enough, just abrasive enough. My car shivered, jumped and shook, ready to go-- like Growlf after a bath. Remember this when someone comes up with this idea and makes 2 gazillion dollars from it (I had the idea first.)
Merle had us over again last night. She called me and asked what I was doing. I told her freaking out. She said she was freaking out too so why didn't we do it together. Sure helped me. I could get used to this: her cooking, us eating. She made roast beef, carrots and onions. We added spiced steamed shrimp, drawn butter, potato bread. Afterwards we listened to the Beatles, The Police, Steely (& Dan too). Then my eyes glazed over and it was like I must go home immediately. I don't know why I was so tired. I slept half of yesterday-- I should have been ready to party but I came home and slept in heavenly peace.
I'm a-gonna go. Joe's gone to the store to pick us up some Red Baron Pizza and we're going to have that and salad. Sunday is one of my favorite nights on for television... Sixty Minutes, Touched by that Angel, The X Files and finally The Practice. I found out week nights FX is running old NYPD Blues, and Court TV has old Homicide: Life on the Streets. New NYPD Blues are starting tomorrow..... finally. I could turn into a tv junkie with very little help at this point. Have a good evening....
