I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be
Oh I hate you some, I hate you some I love you some
Oh I love you when I forget about me
January 3, 2001 - Wednesday - 10:31pm
Is there anything prettier than Joni Mitchell's voice on the Blue Album? I don't think so unless it's her voice on Ladies of the Canyon, or Clouds. Well, you get the idea. Found her web page but you need frames to view it-- [Joni Mitchell]
Well we made it to 2001, unbelievable."I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it." (I'm quoting HAL of course-- my mind went a long time ago, way before 2001.) I tried to sleep through New Years but some idiot outside my window set off firecrackers. Actually I tried sleeping through the whole day before New Years but Bill called and that dirty Joe woke me up to talk to him. Not that I didn't love talking to Bill... of course I did, he's my best bro after all. But he admitted he was calling me only because he couldn't get a hold of Marilyn! She was sleeping the whole day, like I wanted to!
Did you catch the Pens tonight? They beat the Washington Capitals a little while ago. On the Penguins home page the headlines read "THREE'S A CHARM - Lemieux, Hrdina and Jagr lead Pens to 3-2 win". Yeah baby! There's no stopping them now. Still got a way to go to catch the New Jersey Devils but I have no doubt it will happen. Anyway, Mario and Jaromir are baby dolls--- you gotta love them. Have to go see them play in person, sooner rather than later. (Might make a good bd present for someone I know who's turning the big five oh this month. I'll have to check it out.) [Penguins]
This day was somewhat of a waste I'm afraid. Didn't get much accomplished except for putting Lauren on her bus. Danced around the living room this morning.... Dave Mason, The Police, Lovin Spoonful... Wrote a letter I'm not mailing. Keep forgetting I need to get a money order and send it to North Carolina pronto. Can you believe I got a speeding ticket on our way down there last month? To the tune of $115. Only $25 of it was the fine, the rest is court costs. What a racket. Worst part is I had been speeding terribly earlier that morning but not when the cop pulled me over. When we got home I had a letter from an attorney in Elizabeth City who specializes in speeding tickets. Has to be the trooper's brother-in-law. They're going to bleed me dry one way or another. I'm still in denial... 46 years old and never had a ticket before in my life. Feel like a criminal... North Carolina's Most Wanted... Unarmed and Undangerous but a criminal none the less. Guess I'm lucky they didn't lock me up, send me up the river.
Speaking of criminals, heard via the grapevine that the customer service rep extraordinaire (sp?) from the EAP quit a week after I did. Apparently he was afraid he was going to be fired, something about him stealing parking tokens. I've no comment, no comment whatsoever. I've been getting email from my old temp who's been in touch with the current temp there. Haven't written to anyone there myself. I'm trying not to.... I still miss them. If all went as planned they should be moved to their new location by now. I am thinking of going over to Pamela's for lunch soon, maybe tomorrow. I miss the wedding soup and the waitresses. I miss sitting at a table, writing in my journal, smoking my brains out and drinking a diet coke.
Guess I should go to bed, took my pills two hours ago. Now I'll probably not be able to sleep. Anyway, thanks for reading. It's been real.
[Old Journal Entries] [Home Page]
Wednesday -- December 27, 2000 -- evening
Just finished talking to PW & JW. They're getting ready to watch Mario play hockey again tonight. Isn't that too cool? Don't you just love Mario-- he comes back from cancer, from retirement. He really is a super star hero.
A lot has happened since I last wrote in here. I quit the job a few weeks ago. The last days were hard. So many people I'll miss-- everyone except the Rick Monster. I feel like he forced me out but then I'm the one who submitted my resignation. I don't want to sit around & second guess myself on this decision. (But I do it so well. If I could find a job second-guessing, I'd be a pro.) So anyway, I've been officially unemployed since then but it still hasn't sunk in... we were on vacation, then the holidays, and I've been watching Lauren while she's on Christmas break. Wonder what it will be like when things get back to normal (like any day here is ever normal!?!)
Being on vacation was too nice and I didn't worry about anything. If only I could learn to live like that all the time... just let it go. We got to walk on the beach everyday and one of the days it was warm enough for shirtsleeves. We had as many pets down there as here at home... a black lab who played fetch on the beach, a kitty who came to share leftover pork chops.
Didn't make it in one day on the way down. Didn't leave here until 1:30 in the afternoon. PW & JW came to our rescue.... let us spend the night in Virginia Beach with them. That was so nice, especially since I gave them hardly any warning (called at 8:00 at night.) Great seeing them and Art. I was not prepared to find PW in a wheelchair. Her sciatic nerve. Said she started out with her cane, then had to use a walker, then she had to switch to the chair. Thank god when I talked to her tonight, she confirmed she is back to using the cane. Peggy is a super star hero too.
The holidays are, for the most part, over and I'm not sorry to see them go. Have to say I did enjoy them more than I have in a long time though. We went to a party Saturday night, then to my aunt Ruth's Sunday for Christmas Eve. Christmas morning we made it over to Heather's before Lauren was up so we got to watch her open her presents. Merle had dinner at her house. The food was extraordinary and her house looked lovely. Ate too much and drank too much but isn't that part of it all? I'm thinking I ought to have a party maybe Friday or Saturday to finish things off. Don't want to do anything on New Year's Eve other than go to bed as early as possible. Who would believe it'll be 2001 in less than a week. Where's the monolith? Where's Hal and why aren't we worried about the pod bay door? Where's the giant fetus??
It's cold here, very cold. Perfect for sitting in front of the fire with a cup of hot coffee and St. Brendan's. Or a nice glass of bourbon. I got this way cool 5 CD changer for Christmas. I can listen to Counting Crows for hours on end.
I'm dying to go down to Majorsville and see the creek icing over. Maybe even walk up to the waterfall-- it's really neat when it's frozen over and you can walk behind the frozen water. Wish I could still ice skate (not on bent ankles but like I could when I was a kid.)
"I wish I had a river I could skate
away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly."
Life is pretty damn good especially compared to the way I've felt the last couple of years. I can't wait to start writing again. I'm going to go eat pizza and watch soaps, maybe check in with the Pens and see Super Mario. Have a good one.
[Old Journal Entries] [Home Page]
Wednesday, December 6, 2000 -- 9:14 p.m.
The week that would not end. Feels like I've been chewing on aluminum foil. Surely I will never make it. It'll be Friday, 5 minutes before quittin' time and I will keel over dead, my last days spent in that Hell hole. Not Limbo anymore-- turning into full-fledged Hell. Met with the HR person today. An hour later I was still talking... full disclosure... as much as I could fit into the time period. I talked about the videos he plagiarized and the statistics he inflated and his sexist, bigoted remarks. I couldn't stop once I opened my mouth. I didn't want to cry but I came so close-- this jerk is totally responsible for me leaving--- there is no other reason--- I will miss the other people so much but I can't stay any longer.
The chilling part is she didn't laugh when I told her I was afraid I was getting paranoid. That I thought maybe he was brought into the organization to do exactly what he is doing... changing the whole structure. It's not going to be a place where counseling is done anymore; it is just big business handling affiliates. It's employee counseling married to managed care (the health plan.) Cheaper than other psychological or medical alternatives, soon it will be a requirement that all employees utilize the employee assistance program before their insurance will pay for a psychiatrist. She never cracked a smile, just shook her head and said some places operate like that. No shit.
One of the counselors gave me the Myers-Briggs test-- supposed to tell what your personality is most suited for, career-wise. I gave her my answer sheet and she started laughing. Accused me of tricking her. Said she had never seen anyone score zero in one category's trait verses the opposite trait. But I wasn't jazzing her-- I took the test answering as honestly as I could. I asked if she was saying I was nuts and she told me this test doesn't measure that. (I started laughing.) I asked if being depressed might skew my answers. She said we are born the way we are and remain that way throughout our lifetime. The category I scored zero in was taking action based on thinking logically verses taking action based on feelings, my own and those I perceive of the people around me. Didn't surprise me.... this is exactly how I live my life. Like an exposed nerve. She just hasn't known me long enough to understand. She said it was really incredible that I was so drawn to computers and databases and logic.... said I must have made a tremendous effort to become as good at it as I am because I'm not at all inclined towards that type of work. I tried to explain to her the difference-- yes, I embrace logic when it comes to mathematics and computers but where people are concerned, logic doesn't mean a thing.
Some of the things the test told me.... I have to do work that I believe is making a difference (duh)... that I love art and writing and music (really?)... that I'm not suited for business at all (no shit?) Still, it was kind of interesting getting something to confirm what I've known all along. Said I place much more importance on my intuition than I do on my senses.
Time for the Beatles White Album, part two. Haven't had a chance to listen to it all week and I'm about to go into withdrawal.
Birthday, we would like you to dance. Birthday, take a ch-ch-ch-chance.
Merle's is next week. We won't be here; we'll be at the ocean. I hate missing it-- I'll have to call her and toast her and tell her how much I miss her and what not. (I miss her already but we haven't even left-- what's with that?) Tried to talk her into going with us but she said she couldn't take time off work. Why not??? I'm taking time off, permanently! I'm glad we're going but I always get very scared before we leave... things change so fast when you're not looking. Hell, they change so fast when you are looking. Guess I'm always very scared no matter what I'm doing. Christmas is not real to me at all yet. Everyone around here is decorating. I'm still stuck back in October somewhere. Do you think maybe it's time to bring in the porch furniture, Joe? When I left work tonight the wind chill was minus four.
Honey Pie, you are making me crazy
I'm in love but I'm lazy
So won't you please come home
Heather reminded me December 8th is the anniversary of the date John Lennon was murdered. I didn't remember but I do remember being in bed watching football and Howard Cosell came on and said he was dead. They all died though, most much younger than Lennon. Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix were something like 27. 27??? I don't even remember being 27. Heather and Maggie are older than 27.
Joe and I got stuck in a horrific traffic jam yesterday morning. Left the house at 7:20 and didn't get to work until after 10:00. Most of the time we were sitting still or inching along a five mile stretch of I-79 around Bridgeville. An 18 year old kid wrecked his car, crossed three lanes, hit the hill, flipped over, and got thrown from his car out onto the highway. And somebody came along and ran over him. I don't know if he died from his own accident or from being run over. Couldn't read the news story.
I have nothing at all to complain about. Somebody's eighteen year old kid got killed yesterday. One of Merle's friends died last week. One of our counselors spent an hour and a half talking to a woman who's child was being abused by her husband's family. I have nothing at all to complain about-- I should be ashamed for ever thinking otherwise. I met some dynamite people at this job. I really believe whatever happens is what is supposed to be sometimes (most of the time) I just don't understand why. Like a gnat trying to figure out quantum physics-- me trying to understand life.
All the razor perceptions that cut just a
little too deep.
Hey I can bleed as well as anyone
But I need someone to help me sleep.
Had to switch to Counting Crows. Old habits (& rock stars) die young. You can't teach an old Jani new tricks. A Jani in the hand is worth two Jani's in the bush. A Jani in time saves nine. Don't count your Jani's before they're hatched. This Jani has only begun to hatch, only begun.
We drove out to the desert just to lie
down beneath this bowl of stars
We stand up in the Palace like it's the last of the great Pioneertown bars
We shout out these songs against the clang of electric guitars
Ah, you can see a million miles tonight but you can't get very far
Time for beddie high. Two more days, two more days. I hope this is the right thing to do. I hope I finally figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I hope you all know how much you mean to me...
[Old Journal Entries] [Home Page]
Sunday, December 3, 2000 - 1:38 p.m.
It's been long long long time
How could I ever have lost you
When I loved you
Came up here like two hours ago intending to write in this journal and check out the Pittsburgh High Tech Council's website. The latter appears to be not viewable whether from server problems or what, I can't tell. The journal, well I'm starting now but I don't have as much time as I had hoped for because I've screwed around for so long. Isn't surfing addicting though? You go from link to link to link and pretty soon you can't even remember what it was you were looking for to begin with or at least that's how it is for me. Of course, that's how my brain (mal)functions also... just zipping around bouncing off ideas and memories and thoughts and songs and dreams... it's a wonder I ever think a coherent thought (& some would argue that.)
One thing I'm sure of, three weeks notice is TOO LONG when you're resigning a job. I'm in Limbo and yes, I know, Limbo doesn't even exist anymore-- the Pope did away with it-- but that's where I am and have been for the past two weeks. One more week left and I might be checking in at Western Psych asking for a nice rubber room with a view and a size XL straitjacket. They're welcome to take away my shoelaces-- I like taking them out of my tennis shoes and flapping around anyway. It's not like I wear them for tennis for crying out loud.
My new assistant is catching on very fast. She'll be good at the job, very good. Helps that my boss loves her. He has spent more time meeting with her in the past two weeks than he has with me in the past eleven months.. He's also ordered her a new computer. Actually he's ordered three. I'm wondering if besides filling my position, he's planning on hiring another assistant for my successor. I've only been begging for that since March Oh well, soon Paul soon, I will be rid of him.
I received a call from Human Resources saying they want me to do my exit interview with the Director. That's not standard practice-- usually you exit interview with the HR rep. who hired you. I've heard this woman, the Director, is very interested in hearing about why so many people are leaving the department. She's the one who was calling in regular employees, who haven't resigned (yet) to ask for their take on The R Monster (my boss.) I'm really having some problems deciding what I will tell her, what I should tell her. I don't want to burn the proverbial bridge but man, it sure would be nice being able to tell some of the unethical, illegal, and unbelievable things to which this man has subjected me. Whatever. The interview is scheduled for Tuesday morning. The rest of the week should be interesting also-- three different individuals have invited me out to lunch and Thursday, the department is throwing a goodbye party for me and the temp. I will miss these people tremendously. Nearly all have said to me that they didn't blame me a bit for quitting, that they could not handle working so closely with him as I've had to (he ought to write a book... How to Lose Friends and Be Ridiculed by People)
Joe is over at Hey-hey's tearing down the ramp to her front porch. She had it built a few years ago so it would be easier for her friend Scott (who is in a wheelchair) come to visit. But it gets horribly slippery, especially in the winter. She's decided she'd rather lift Scott and his chair up one step than risk everyone falling down. Good idea-- none of us can afford a lawsuit at this point.
Joe is being so supportive of me leaving my job... it's unreal. If the situation were reversed, would I be there for him?? Or would I be insisting he find a new job before leaving (the only smart way to do it.) Once again this man shows me to what depths his love goes. I fear I've not showed him the depths of love he deserves in return. We remain best friends but I m still feel we've lost something or I ruined something. Didn't mean to. Love's so tenuous and fragile... you really have to be careful and look after it like you would a baby bird.
We're going to the beach next weekend. Joe's friend from work is letting us use his oceanfront condo, for free. What a good friend!! I looked up the link to it on the internet and found we wouldn't be able to afford to rent it! Heard on the Weather Channel that they're having a snow down there. Would be weird going there and seeing more snow than here. But I've always wanted to see snow at the ocean. A few years ago, Smithsonian magazine ran an article about the Outer Banks in winter and included one picture of snow on the beach that was just breathtaking.
Our petsitter is no longer petsitting. Called her this week and she was very terse. I'm wondering if my including her notes to me in my web journal last summer offended her. Again, I certainly didn't mean it to do that. (These days it seems I spend most of my time doing things I didn't mean to do...) Anyway, luckily for us, Heather has agreed to do the sitter job. She says she can really use the extra money for Christmas and I'm elated. We won't have to put Growlfy in the kennel and Sheba won't have to be all by her lonesome!
We took a quick trip to Majorsville yesterday. Hadn't been there since October according to the calendar hanging on the refridgerator. More like September-- I remember turning over the page. Everything looked good. It was bone-chilling cold outside-- wished I had worn long underwear. The creek was running clear, only beginnning to ice over in shallow spots. Saw the blue heron take off as we were leaving-- he must have been fishing for Mrs. Paul's Frozen Fishsticks.
Well, I've run way over my allotted time on the computer. Got to go do some laundry and whatnot before this day is completely shot. Thanks alwasy for reading. Love you all...
Now I can see you... be
you
How can I ever misplace you
How I want you
Oh, I love you
You know that I need you
Long, long, long - George Harrison
[Old Journal Entries] [Home Page]
Scenes from The Party, Part I:
The phone rang and a man said, "Your limo is here." Joe and I got in, Marilyn looked drop-dead gorgeous, a sparkling short-jacket topped off her wine-colored floor length dress. Annabelle, beside her, was draped in black velvet and shimmering jewelry. We poured champagne and headed towards Lockhart Street to pickup Pat and Chris. Bill, the chauffeur, not familiar with the streets missed the turn after the Klicks. We drove down the Fitch driveway to a dead-end. Bill commented it was a little like steering an aircraft carrier as he made a three point turn around. Next stop was Glenda's on North Main St. Heather was there too. She climbed in-- we all shifted seats, musical chairs, a little champagne spilling over into Marilyn's and Heather's laps. As Glenda entered, her dress, elegant with hand-sewn beads, caught on her heel. A rip ran from the back slit up. She said, "My ass is hanging out." She ran back to the house for safety pins, a needle and thread. Heather told me about tripping earlier in the day and I said she should stay away from drugs. I got hysterical... laughing so hard there wasn't any sound coming from my mouth. When we pulled up under the portico at the country club, Bill jumped out to open the doors. He cautioned us we should be careful getting out of the limo because he "didn't want any asses hanging out."
Scenes from The Party, Part II:
The room with the bar was packed. Maggie came over-- stunning in her strapless gown-- called it her "Roger-Rabbit Dress." She hugged Heather and I. Scott was all smiles, handsome as ever. They moved on to greet other guests. I made my way through the crowd to the bar and ordered a white wine. Snippets of conversation were flying around me. My companions had disappeared. I spied a woman I knew from grade school, tried to get away. She used to be so much fun when we were kids but somehow in her adult life had become a boasting boorish bitch. She followed, tracking me down just as Heather joined in. I introduced her to Heather. She began telling me about her four children, her oldest, a daughter, " is with Price Waterhouse" She shook her head and said, "Oh, but you only had the one, didn't you?" I thought of the perfect comeback later-- "Yes, I did it right the first time" but on the spot my answer was "Yes, isn't she beautiful, and I have a delightful seven-year old granddaughter. How many do you have?" (knowing full well she had none.) My cheeks were starting to hurt from smiling so much. She told me how wonderful her father was with her children and asked me if I remembered her mother. "She was a saint and I still miss her" she said. I smiled and agreed, her mother was a kind, lovely lady. I had sent her a card when her mom passed away. A couple months later, after my dad died, I ran into her at the grocery store and she said she had heard he was dead. "Didn't he die of lung cancer from smoking too much?" she asked.
I saw my dentist "Scuse me... Pardon me." and his wife. They acted like they didn't know me so I acted like I didn't know them.
Scenes from The Party, Part III:
An old friend, Tom, and his wife, came as guests of Mark. When we were young, Tom was so charismatic and handsome. I had such a crush on him. Hadn't seen him in 25 years. He looked like an ancient cowboy, bowlegged, in jeans, his face grisly with gray, stray whiskers. All he needed was a long duster and hat. His face still had that same impish grin and his eyes sparkled. He pulled out a package of old snapshots, taken twenty-eight years ago in my aunt Patty's backyard. Maggie and Hey-Hey were maybe all of one and two years old, just adorable babies. Heather pointed to one photo and said, "Oh my god, look at Marilyn" but it was my mom. Peggy-Weggy was in one, young & beautiful with that wavy red hair. There was one of Mrs. Aiken, one of Heather running across the lawn giggling, and another of Maggie dipping her bare feet in the little concrete fishpond. Tommy said he brought them to give to Maggie. I thought that was the most precious gift I'd ever seen.
I had a couple more drinks and went into the next room. Found my aunt Ruth, looking pretty, wearing a shimmering blouse. sitting at a big round table. I sat and chatted for a few minutes then I was off to the bar again.
Annabelle caught up with me. We ordered red wine and found two easy chairs to sit in, have a smoke, and relax. My old next-door neighbor and his wife appeared, sat on the couch across from us. One time after we had first met these neighbors, my family and I were invited to a party at their house He's a lawyer and kept introducing collegues of his as "Attorney So-and-so". My mom commented on how strange it was that so many of his friends were named Tony.
Annabelle and I got up and she showed me the way to the ladies room. I had a cigarette in one hand and my glass of wine in the other. Women with diamonds dripping from their ears and wrists were lining up in front of the mirror, reapplying makeup. The wallpaper in their looked like a rose garden on acid.
Made my way to the buffet.... incredible food: fresh sea scallops wrapped in bacon, jumbo shrimp, beef tenderloin, rack of lamb, three different kinds of pasta. I fixed a plate and sat with Ruth, Heather, Joe, Pat & Chris, Merle's friend Peg, and Annabelle. Jodie came over. I hadn't seen her in way too long. She sends me pictures of her beautiful daughter Marley at Christmas time.
After eating, Jodie, Annabelle and I took to the dance floor. The band was impressive, big horn section. They played mostly oldies from the sixties and seventies. Joe joined us.
Scenes from The Party, Part III:
Maggie introduced me to Scott's brother Donny. He was wearing black leather pants. I told him I'd heard about his band and would like to hear them sometime. He said he and Maggie were going to sing. A few minutes later they were up on the stage, a couple of other members of Donny's band joined them, singing Play that Funky Music White Boy. The crowd went nuts. Joe took a bunch of pictures-- I hope they turn out.
Made my way back into the room with the bar. Time for a diet coke; Annabelle switched to water. Joe and Heather who never drink, had drank at least 7 drinks a piece but appeared to be fine. Tom and his wife walked past again. She had a ceramic calico cat under her arm-- their wedding gift. They placed it in front of all of these elegantly wrapped presents. I told Annie and Heather how, years ago, Tom and his wife had adopted an abandoned baby that was left on the steps of the hospital where his wife worked. We were all still shaking our heads and Heather was saying, "Bless their hearts" when they came over to our table.
I asked if they had any children and she said "Yes, two-- both adopted." Tom said "Show them the family pictures." She took two snapshots out of her purse and handed them to me, explaining that in the one the children were very young but the other was a more recent photo. Heather pulled out her wallet with a pictures of Lauren to show them. I looked down at their pictures and saw two ducks, wearing clothes. I thought they were the stone kind that people have in their lawns but later when Annabelle & I discussed it, she said they were real. I looked up, ready to laugh but Tom & his wife weren't laughing, just smiling, like proud parents. I waited for the punch line but it never came.
We found Maggie and Scott, told them we had to leave and thanked them for a great time. Bill, the chauffer, drove Heather home and dropped off Joe and I. Heard later, after he took the rest of the gang home, he stopped in with Annabelle at Marilyn's and the three of them partied awhile longer.
Now it's Sunday.
Thanksgiving is over; The Party is over. Time goes too fast. Had a great talk with Jacobina today. Miss her and Bill. Got the sweetest picture of Ellen in the mail a couple of weeks ago. I have to get to San Antonio to meet her and visit Steve & Brene before Ellen grows up. Time goes too fast. David was in San Antonio over the weekend. I know Bill must have loved that. Tomorrow I have to go back to work but it's the beginning of my last two weeks. I'll miss some of the people a lot. I won't miss my boss. I loved those old pictures of Hey-Hey and Maggie. Sometimes I love my family and friends so much it hurts. Time goes too fast. Thanks for reading.
[Old Journal Entries] [Home Page]
November 24, 2000 - Friday after ThanksTurkey day - afternoon
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am taffy stuck and tongue-tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am fine
I've set off in another direction on my seemingly directionless journey-- effective December 11, I will be once again unemployed. I didn't get the job I wanted with the Information Services Division. According to the woman who turned me down, it was because they chose "someone who better met are needs." Apparently correct spelling wasn't one of their needs. And yes, that is sour grapes. I never have a problem getting jobs that are of a clerical/administrative nature. Unfortunately, I hate anything to do with clerical/administrative work. I'm not comfortable, don't feel adept even when people tell me I'm good at it. But computers-- I love them, I feel at home with them but I cannot secure a job working with them, for lack of formal education I guess. And we all know how successful I've been at writing. Even so, that's what I plan on doing for awhile... writing and trying to do more computer stuff. Won't feed or clothe me but at least I won't have to put up with my boss.
I had really reached my limits where he's concerned. He's been telling me for weeks now how wonderful the new place is going to be... where he'll have the "AA's" (as he likes to refer to me & my nonexistent assistant) in a nice area, right in the middle of everything, with three quarter walls around us except for the receptionist desk which will have a waist high wall for visitors to look over. This from a man who wants to project a more business-like atmosphere, less medical-like. Huh?? I wanted to hang on for awhile longer but I can't do it; I just can't do it.
Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. We did. I had the dinner at my house (Marilyn forced me but now I'm glad she did.) I took off a half day Wednesday to get ready and the whole today to recover. The food was scrumptious; everyone brought something. We slow-cooked the turkey, upside down for over 12 hours... incredibly juicy and tender. The guests were delightful-- Marilyn, Lauren & Heather, Glenda, and Maggie & Scott.
Tonight's the big night-- Don & Sally Cameron's party to celebrate Scott and Maggie's marriage. Everyone's been getting ready for weeks-- buying clothes, having manicures and hair appointments. I took the easy way out-- wearing a suit from work and will do my own hair & nails. Couldn't afford to buy a new outfit and really, it's pointless for me to be buying dressy clothes two weeks before I finish my job. We're riding with Marilyn, Heather, Glenda, Annabelle, Peg L., and Chris & Pat Jarvis in a sss-ttt-rrr-eee-ttt-ccc-hhh white limosine (that will be way too cool.) I've heard the club is really beautiful and has great food. There will be a band and open bar.... a great time should be had by all. (I know I'm planning on enjoying myself!!)
Joe and I are thinking about making a winter trip to the Outer Banks. He works with a guy who offered us use of his house down there if we want. I always want. When I win the lottery, that is one of the first things I will do-- buy a house on the beach. Along with put away enough money for Lauren's education and pay off all our bills and pay off all Heather's bills and give money to Merle & Bill & Jacobina and get our house painted/wallpapered and buy a hot tub and have a master bathroom built with a jacuzzi and fix up Majorsville... Better be a big lottery!
I know there's a possibility that quitting my job will send me down the hole again. I'm going to make the supreme effort to not let that happen this time. This time maybe I've finally accepted the loss of Franks and Beans-- it's an endless loss but maybe I've finally learned to let go. This time I'm saying goodbye to something I never had to begin with. This time I won't put myself out there, so vulnerable, where someone might hurt me, where someone can screw with my already totally screwed up sense of self-worth. This time I'm going to believe that I'm worth more than that. This time I'm going to know the difference between reality and fantasy. This time I'm going to save a little love for myself. This time I'm going to take care of me.
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine
Thanks for reading. Love you guys.
