Conspiracy

Conspiracy #1: FABIO.
So he's the butter boy. Spokesman for "I can't believe it's not butter". But tell me...Do you really think he can't believe it's not butter? To see the man without a last name hugging that lovable green guy Gumby, click here.

Conspiracy #2: DOGS.
Man's best friend right? Wrong. People think they are superior to all other lifeforms. This is true, excluding dog owners. Think about it, when someone owns a dog, they wait on it constantly. Preparing food for it, letting it in and out whenever it pleases, etc. But what really gets me is, dog owners follow little Sparky around and clean up its shit! Conspiracy? Uh-huh.

Conspiracy #3: MARTHA STEWART.
The woman's perfect right? She's got her own little TV show and magazine, she decorated the white house for Christmas, and of course did all with perfection. But...she's NOT perfect. She can count to 21 using her fingers and toes. That's right, little Miss perfect's got 6 toes! For an artist's rendering of Martha's last issue of Martha Stewart Living, look here.

Conspiracy #4: RICE-A-RONI.
Why is it called the San Francisco treat? Do they think people in San Francisco want to eat that crap? I don't think ANYTHING wants to eat that crap!

Conspiracy #5: UPS.(United Pot Smugglers)*thanks Zach*
There's not too much conspiracy about this one...I just want to know why they chose brown. Didn't they take a vote?

Conspiracy #6: EGYPTIANS.
Where'd they come up with that mumification idea? Dead or not, I wouldn't want my brains yanked out through my nose to be put in a jar. What'd they do with all those organs anyway?

Conspiracy #7: CEREAL.
Why do cereal companies insist on trying to sell the idea that their cereal doesn't get soggy in milk? First off, who cares. Second, almost anything left in liquid long enough will get soggy. Give it a rest, try selling food products based on taste.

Conspiracy #8: SALLY STRUTHERS.
What does this woman actually DO??? One minute she's trying to sell you a home-education kit, and the next, she's trying to sell you starving children in the Middle East. One of the world's biggest mysteries.

Conspiracy #9: SALLY STRUTHERS' HOME-EDUCATION KITS.
Of all those choices, what one is really worthwhile? Who grows up wanting to be a TV/VCR repairman? And if you go the high school route, what do you think a deploma signed by Sally is worth?

Conspiracy #10: VACATIONING IN PA.
This my friends is the biggest conspiracy in the continental US. Just say no to the Poconos.

Conspiracy #11: TWINKEES.
What ARE they? They certainly aren't edible. Worse than Rice-a roni.

Conspiracy #12: WEATHERMEN.
Why must they always be wrong?

Conspiracy #13: RIVER DANCE.
Men and women dancing jigs for hours on end. This could only be the work of communists. Got your conspiracy right there.

Conspiracy #14: LORD OF THE DANCE.
Who died and made him lord of the pansies? Hitler?

Conspiracy #15: AMERICAN FAMILY PUBLISHERS.
Anything with Ed McMahon and Dick Clark as representatives has to be a conspiracy.

Visitor conspiracies

These last few conspiracies were created by a visitor's strange mind. Thanks to all those who helped.

Conspiracy #16: SPICE GIRLS.
Hmm, they suck. But that's only the half of it. What the hell's with the lyrics to "Wannabe"? After that long "Tell me, I'll tell you, Tell me..." shit, then the "I wanna (10 times)...I really wanna WHAT?" What the hell is she saying? It sounds like zigazaypa. Is that some kind of subliminal message or something?

Conspiracy #17: SANTA CLAUS.
There's something seriously wrong with a guy who gets enjoyment from having little children sit on his lap.

Conspiracy #18: SNACK WELLS.
If Snack well cookies are fat free, why are the women on the commercials so damn fat?

Conspiracy #19: JELL-O. (by Alion Tet)
What the hell is the deal with Jell-o?! This shit is made from Horse Hooves for God's sake! Don't these people think that the damn horses need their feet?! Good lord, I don't want people cutting the bottoms of my feet off and making food for the horses. That would suck. What do they do with the rest of the horse?! Eat it most likely. Maybe they grind it up and sell it as potato chips?! The inhumanity of it all...

Conspiracy #20: GELILTE FISH. (by IcePrince)
What the hell is it? Have you EVER heard a guy that went fishing come back and say "Man, I caught a 5 pound Gefilte!"?

Conspiracy #21: PETRER PIPER. (by a close friend of G DOGG)
This is insane. I don't think you can pick peppers already pickled. Even if you can, who really gives a DAMN about how many this guy can pick. A few other observations. If this guy is really a piper, what is he doing with pickled peppers? He should be in court attempting to help out the tobacco companies. One last thought, I heard from a little birdy that Peter Piper and Peter Peter the Pumpkin Eater were caught together in the patch of pickled peppers packing fudge.

Conspiracy #22: BEWITCHED.
What was with the Dick switch? Did they think the American public wouldn't notice as Dick York replaced Dick Sargent?

Conspiracy #23: FAMILY FEUD.
Survey says...Conspiracy!

Conspiracy #24: BOB VILLA.
Does the man know ANYTHING about building? Unless loafers and pleated khaki shorts make up the proper construction site attire...

Conspiracy #25: THE GREAT GAP CONSPIRACY. (by Maddie)
This one's great but it was too long to add to this page, click "GAP" to view it.

Conspiracy #26: THE ODD COUPLE.
Um, can you say a very special Ellen?

Conspiracy #27: "WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD". (by Meggiepie)
What makes this guy so damn wonderful? What exactly does he do anyway, he's a man behind a frigging curtain, I could do that, (although, I'd be a woman behind a curtain). And what is a whiz exactly? It was always my thoughts that a whiz was taking a piss, so is this song saying he's urine? Its a conspiracy!

Conspiracy #28: ELVIS SIGHTINGS. (by Meggiepie)
Alright now people lets face the facts here, Elvis is dead. The king left the building a long time ago. I know it hurts, but we must face the truth, he is not coming back and he will never be president of the United States, although I feel a man that has been dead for almost 20 years could do just a good of a job as Clinton does. And for these sick people that dress up as Elvis, come on now! Stop it! Just stop it! Let the memory go!

Conspiracy #29: SALLY STRUTHERS' SAVE THE CHILDREN FUND. (by Meggiepie)
Alright, this is a noble cause yes, but well forgive me for saying it, but with the amount of food that that woman must eat, she could save the children at breakfast time! She looks as if she could eat ten of those little children for breakfast. And with the amount she makes with that commercial, she could buy the middle east! So what is it with this send money now! Where does all this money go?

Conspiracy #X: THE X-FILES. (by Oceanspoet)
What the hell is with The X-Files. It's the ultimate conspiracy... Hollywood planting ideas that the government is out to gettem in the minds of armed-to-the-teeth white trash? Damn Dully and Smolder...

Well, that's enough from me. Do you have a conspiracy you'd like to expose? Correct one of mine? Send 'em to me! scjc@epix.net
I left some good ones too, surely someone could make up something about the Olsen twins, Mr.T, Barney, or Mickey!

Click Gazpacho to take you home.

Email: scjc@epix.net