This was just too good to pass up so I had to include it. I have no idea what to call this page so if you have any suggestions E-Mail me.
For those of you who are either very perceptive or are so maniacal that you read every single word in a PE issue, you may have noticed something odd about the Copyright fine print at the bottom of the inside cover of each issue. A normal copyright statement would read something like this:
Apparently, Drew decided to spice up this otherwise boring legal mumbo-jumbo. Mule Hide Compliments of Bob Soulliere
So, in honor of Drew's creativity, I have reproduced his colorful additions from as many issues as I could get my hands on.
#1-13 violators will be prosecuted and/or dismembered. (ironically, issues #7 and #11 don't have copyright info...but don't get any ideas...)
#14-16, #18-20 Violators will be abducted from their homes, beaten mortally with blunt instruments, and will turn up in the past tense floating downstream in a nearby river with a picture of Tammy Faye Baker tattoed to their butt. Prosecuted if they survive. If.
#17 Violators, for any reason other than harmless promotion will be hunted down like a dog in the streets, maimed beyond recognition (that's human recognition), and forced to listen to 17 hours of continuous rap while intravenously fed pure MSG. Trust me, on the 16th hour you'll crack and wish to whatever gods you hold dear, you never heard my name...
SIRIUS:
#1 (first printing) I still own all the rights - they're mine! Mine! Mine! And don't think
that just because SIRIUS can get lawyers, that I still wouldn't drive
out to your house, skin you like a pig and dip you in lemon juice if you
violated them. Thanks to Roxanne Fischer.
#1 Violators will be forced to become Michael jackson's next pedophile alibi. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is just a little ha-ha for my own amusement or a sign that you're on my black list for life. Sweet Dreams, suckers.
#2 I still own the rights-they're mine! mine! mine! Violators will be referred to the law firm Lou, E., Ville, and Slugger. Thanks to Bob Soulliere
#3 Violators will be thrown on the mercy of the court. Drew's court. From a thousand feet.Thanks to Bob Soulliere
#4 Violators will be mutilated and forced to self-publish. Thanks to Bob Soulliere
#5 Violators will be...Oh, hell..are ya cute? Violate me. Please. Just a little...Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely a symptom of paranoia or your own, worthless, over-inflated ego.
#6 Violators will be beat repeatedly about the skull with a claw hammer, ground slowly from the feet up, and fed to cannibal midgets.
#7 Violators will be cracked, sacked, and stacked.
#8 Violators are whimps. Get your own ideas or go work for Marvel--leave mine alone.
#9 Violators will be flogged and forced to do nasty things at my whim...
#10 Violators will be strung up with chicken wire and live the rest of their bleak, hellish life as Robb and Brenda's dog chew toy...And I'll tell ya--the dog is huge!
#11 Violators will be tied down and whipped. With piano wire. Didn't want anyone getting too excited. Hell, now all of you probably are. You violators are a sick lot.
#12 Violators will be strung up by the bang-bang fruit and flossed "Baywatch" style with barbed wire...
#13 Violators will be O.J.'d. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is the result of childhood head trauma, frequent drinking, or chemical imbalances causing delusions of ego. Get help either way, you sorry-ass...
#14 Violators will be forced to mate with that really ugly statue of the monkey-woman down the street from the Holiday Inn in Charlotte, And her poodles. Twice.
#15 Violators will have their skulls crushed with a 70 pound meat tenderizer and fed to hyenas. Twice.
#16 Violators will be named "Steven"
#17 Violators will be strung up by their entrails and beaten like a fuckin' pinata.
#18 Violators will be roadkill.
#19 Violators will be forced to eat large quantities of estrogen while listening to Tori Amos and forced to criticize phallic art...Whatever that means...
#20 Violators will be force-fed huge amounts of ecstacy, made to look at bergsma painting Clockwork Orange style, while the soft soothing sax of Kenny G is played throughout a 24 hour ordeal. Then you will be offered a shotgun with a rubber bullet. Whatever that means...
#21 Violators will be impaled on giant Crazy Straws and forced to listen to hours and hours of that Fran Drescher (however you spell it) Nanny bitch whine about what a self-loving diva she is...
#22 Violators will be pumped full of El Dopa and forced to diffuse bombs with a butterknife and tweezers while listening to Slim Whitman-live, naked, and loud...
#23 Christian Bookstore lady, forgive me...I will change and see your light. I promise...
#24 Violators will be KILLED by me personally and NO, I will NOT sign your books first!!!
#25 Violators will be used in top secret experiments on the results of many baseball bats and their various impacting forces on the human head. And no--you won't be the one doing the hitting.
#26 Violators will be smothered in saurkraut and eaten by Germans.
#27 Violators will be melted into string cheese and fed to the rat running around my house. Went after the first one with a broadsword and a can of Raid. The dog eventually got him. Now another one is back. God, I hate rats.
#28 Violators will be...Ummmmm...it's just not coming to me now.
#29 Violators will be subjected to a Steve Gutenburg movie marathon. All his films, all the animals he's acted with. Sweet Kids. Such harrowing adventure.
#30 Violators will be forced to listen to a 12-hour audio series on my theory that holidays are being propagated by the Hallmark Corp.
#31 Violators will be strung up by their ears and eaten from their toes. By cave-dwelling, white-eyed, canibal babies.
#32 Violators will be tied down and fed urinal cakes from the Horseshoe Restaurant in Bellingham, Washington. Trust me, you don't really want to get anywhere near those things...
#33 Violators will be used as a test dummy for Penn and Teller's "Bullet in the Teeth" trick.
#34 Violators will be forced to switch Social Security numbers with me. Heh.
#35 Violators will be locked in a room with Neil Diamond on Mescaline. Think he's cryin' for Shiloh now? I wanted to fly,--LSD made me feel like I could...think I'll write a song about them funny lookin' mushrooms...
#36 Violators will be covered with Bar-B-Que sauce and left alone in a room with Mike Tyson. God, I hope I never meet that guy now...Ha! Like he reads this...
#37 Violators will be forced. Forced to do, on, or whatever I want. No K-Y. Heh.
#38 Violators will be pounded to dust and added to three cups cold water.
#39 Violators will have their mouths sewn shut with razor wire and Coke and Pop Rocks pumped up their noses.
#40 Violators will be forced to clean my house. Believe me, this is the harshest one I've written yet...
#41 Violators will be stuffed with goat's intestines and blood and fed to Sean Connery. How real do you feel, Miss Peal?
#42 Violators will be cast into a boiling pit of Chinese Hot Mustard and Razorblades. How real do you feel, Miss Peal?
#43 Violators will be forced to read many more depressing, whiny, little rants such as this written in my extreme fits of depression...Wooo....
#44 Violators will be stripped naked, covered in honey, and chained in the basement of Freak Manor...
#45 Violators will be forced to guest host the new Tammy Faye and Jim Prayer Hour naked and shaved of bodily hair.
#46 Violators will be decapitated with plastic spoons.
#47 Violators will be forced to listen to 24 hours of Morrissey spoken word, while being sodomized with manual eggbeaters...
#48 Violators will be sliced up, dried into jerky, and frozen, to be later thawed and stored in my pen bag, and distributed as an in-flight snack on the trip to the next con I attend.
#49 Violators will be closely scrutinized by Drew in a negative light and forced to see themselves for the insecure, co-dependent, spiritless, hollow husks they are.
