Dave's Rant

A lot of things bother me. Many times I think about things, but the things are of no consequence. Sometimes when itıs late or early or an awkward time of day, my thoughts just fly around in my head. I think this is a horrible waste, because, although my thinking should come to naught, itıs often very entertaining (to me). Should you be among the chosen to read this, take it as seriously as it deserves. I havenıt written it yet, so I donıt know what to expect, and neither will you.

It occurs to me, that people take things for granted. Iım sure youıve heard this one a thousand times, so Iıll try it from a different angle, or give up somewhere in the middle. OK, when you walk your dog, you take for granted that you have a dog, that no one runs it over, that no one runs YOU over, that the world doesnıt come crashing around your EARS AS THE EARTH IS SUCKED INTO THE SUN. But I digress, I donıt even have a dog.

Iıve often wondered about music videos. Like, for example, anytime I watch a Puff Daddy video, why does Puff Daddy never do any solo videoıs, huh? Why does the boy always do collaborations with other rappers? The child can rap, right? And why was Alicia Silverstone in so many Aerosmith videos? I mean, what was her connection with the band? Did they date? You know how she jumps off a bridge in that one, Crazy, or Cryinı, or something? What if you wanted to kill yourself, so you jumped off a bridge (sorry, all you folks with suicidal friends/relatives/tendencies), and you didnıt die!? I think thereıd just be nothing left to live for, but youıve already proven yourself incapable of suicide, right? What then, do you ask for a hand? These are the people who keep Kevorkian in business... losers. Personally I hate Kevorkian, but donıt you think heıs doing the society a few favors? Nevermind.

What if you were swimming really hard, but you had to go to the bathroom? You know, ³number two² (who numbered those things anyway? You probably know him.), and you GO in your TRUNKS? HUH? Youıd have to moved to a different state! Haha.

You know what the stupidest arguments are about? Two people fromdifferent states, trying to determine who has the accent! I mean, come on, they go like this:
FOOL: Heeyuk, gooooooll-ee, yaıllıs got a accent.
MORON: Na, Idonı. Yunzıs got Œun.
FOOL: Nuh- UH! Bessie May, cımere a sec....
And so on, what a couple of dim-BULBS! The concept ³Accent² is just too complex for most of the population of our country, and I would suggest the banishment of it, but then weıd have to get rid of everything short of shooting yourself in the ass with a potato gun. Hey, you! Yeah you with the spuds! Yeah I see ya! Put down the CO2 cartridge and slowly back away.

I should stop, but I think Iım just getting started:
little miss muffet
sat on a tuffet,
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider
and sat down beside her
and she SHOT IT WITH FOUR ROUNDS OF EXPLODING SHOTGUN SHELLS.

have you ever played/heard of a game for the nintendo 64 called "Turok the Dinosaur Hunter"? huh? it's such a fun game, until you get pinned in between two demon lords and a half dozen giant beetles, barely escape with your fusion cannon, only to be shot to-death-and-then-some by a raptor with one mechanical leg and a bionic arm attachment-that-is-a-fusion-pistol. and those are all real characters. the beetles are hard, but there are no spiders. besides, firing exploding things such as grenades at someone who's "sitting beside" you is a good way to get yourself fragmented, baby. god, I love that game. you know what I hate? when people who got my address from somebody else writes disturbing poetry with someone other than me as the subject, sends it to me, and fails to specify the nature of the poetry. I mean, I have enough people on my 'to kill' list without adding a bunch of mere acquaintances. and when the thing is straightened out, does that leave the numskull off the hook? I should subdivide my list into 'to kill/people-who-send-evil.poetry-without-specifications/and-send~chain-letters-that-include.threats' but that could get tedious.

I could use some coffee. but for what...?

When you use a public restroom, your sure to wash your hands to prevent infection (Iım assuming-- I do, and let's face it, everyone wants to be like me), but let's look at this for a second. the person before you didn't wash his hands with soap. this is doubly bad for you females, whatıs a guy doing in your restroom!? so the germs from his hands are still on the sink handles, the button for the 'sanitary' air-hand dryer, the door, etc. washing your hands may increase the chances of getting this guy's cooties threefold. even if you didn't wash, you just be getting your own cooties, right? I don't know. I think Iıll still wash. have I gone on too long? I guess so, Iıve run out of things to...

ANYway, take some time. relax... then work yourself up into a big panic and run around the house screaming 'sheena is a punk rocker' (singing is optional) till you collapse on the floor from exhaustion and sprawl on your back, and as you stare at the ceiling, laughing hysterically between heavy breaths, wonder "Isn't this what living is all about?" plus "Wouldn't dave get a kick out of this?". let me know what answers you come up with. note: preferably in an empty house, or with a bunch of cranky people who can't stop you looking on. jeez that'd rock.

you know what sucks? when you get on a PAT bus thatıs really only a Crescent Hills bus, and itıs late, and itıs cold, and youıre wearing shorts, and then the bus driverıs like ³oh, this is just a ch bus and I forgot to put it up.² and youıre like ³whatıs your problem man?² and heıs like, ³shoot me.² and you do, and his black blood splatters all over your backpack and begins to eat into your face like acid, and you scrub and scrub and scrub, and you just canıt get the blood off your hands. yeah, that sucks.