Lugaid Vandroiy


ever wander what it was like to be a taco? so have i... that is, until the day that i met taco bob, the grande supreme lord of all tacos. what follows is my account of this tale.

*********

it was a thursday much like any other thursday. zipper and gabby in the car, scream at the border as we crossed it, hailing it with chants of cripsy tortillas filled with meat, cheese and other delectible goodies. since gabby especially was insistent, i pulled over to wallow in the splendour of the bell taco. gabby and zipper made their usual orders in they typical fashion, gabby with his gorditas (which of course were paid for by myself and zipper) and zipper with his quesadilla, i however felt like being a smartass and ordered the 'grade supreme lord of all tacos'. "oh no sir! you no wanta that!" said the small itallian man behind the counter. "my good man, i have traveled hither and thither through the ice and snow, fire and brimstone to reach this fare-flung portion of mcarthur road in search of the grande supreme lord of all tacos and now you tell me no!? I WILL HAVE NONE OF THIS!! GIVE TO ME THIS MIGHTY POWER SUSTAINING FORCE OR ELSE FACE THE CONCEQUENCES OF MY ALMIGHTY LUNCHEON MEAT TRUNCHION!!!"

of course both gabby and zipper were by my side readying they spam daggers which threatened the italian man whose name-tag read veal who promptly fumbled for words. "yes sir, right away sir... please, keep your weapons in their sheaths, i mean you no harm. quick! hamburgler, prepare IT!"

at this moment the man who had been identified as the hamburgler uttered "no veal! i cannot, it is against my religi-",veal would have no more of it and had now smacked him. "incompetent! i shall have to take this into my own hands!!!!!"

veal reached into the freezer and pulled out a dusty old box. he opened the box and within it was another old box, which contained another box which in turn yeilded yet another box which held not another box but a black paper bag. veal opened the paper bag which held a pink plastic bag and inside the pink bag was a taco shapped form entombed within neon orange plastic wrap... which had been revealed after pealing off the 23 layers of tin foil. once the taco had been unwrapped, veal cautiously inserted the rather tiny taco into the microwave and with sweaty palms set it to 6 minutes and 67 seconds. i, of course, would have none of this "you are testing my patience laddy! must that infernal machine take so long??" "yes sir," veal began with trembling voice, "the grande supreme lord of tacos will not be prepared correctly with any more or less time."

gabby and zipper had already lost interest and found a seat to sit and play with their spam daggers while waiting for the promised lord of the tacos. veal and myself were both counting down the moments until the awaited moment, myself annoyed, veal full of anxiety. as the second approached, veal dove out the door, my eyes following him in confusion.

*ding*
*ding*
*din-BOOOOM!!!*

out of the microwave popped the grande supreme lord of all the tacos who floated around in the air and, at first sight of me, raised his hand in the sign of the beast. he floated over the sumbering body of the hamburgler and prompted devoured his head, spitting out the words "rubble rubble".

"sir taco lord... i have awaited this day for many a milenia. i have traveled through snow and ice, fire and brimstone to reach this far-"

"shut up insolent one, for i am a taco. THE supreme taco. hail me, for i am not poisoned with the filth of the tomato. i was the first taco and i shall be the last."

i was truely in awe, never before had i encountered such a being of power. not even the time that i narrowly averted death at the hands of the almighty s.o.s. scour god. "i truely am in awe, never before have i encountered such a being of power as you. please sir, what may i call you by?"

the taco spoke with the force of a hundred thousand tacos, "to some i am taco the destroyer, for my sucessful campaign against the nasal muffins, to others i am the beast of wrath, to the elves i am elu taco a morlith, or in the common tongue, taco god of black-ash. but you may call me taco bob. what do you ask of me?"

there were so many things i could ask, so many things i wanted to know. i could ask him about his many campaigns, about the origins of the taco, about why the bell got rid of that stupid dog or why they even had him to begin with, but before i had a chance to ask any of these questions gabby strolled over to us, grabbed taco bob and promptly gulped him down. "christ, that taco talked to much... you suppose it should be refered to as a TALKo?"

by this point i had personally wet myself in outrage, "that is lame, unbelieveably lame. now how am i supposed to reveal the arcane secrets of that which was and has yet to come to be. what tales of sacred relicks and artifacts could he have held? perhaps he knew the secrets of immortallity and the real reason why ben afleck is really with j lo. maybe he could have revealed-"

"dude christ, you talk to much... besides, it wasn't that good of a taco anyway... kinda stale."