Reality Television and The Internet are alot alike. Both give the illusion of actually being part of something when you are actually just being passive and judgemental.

Well okay maybe they are other deferences. A big one is I hate reality TV and like the internet. Maybe it was love at one time but no more. The things that I hoped to do with the internet - express myself freely and connect with others - seem like a sham. Sure I've met some people and learned how to vent more constructively on any number of bulletin boards. The question is it any better than before I had a computer?

Strangely enough last year I had a chance to find out. The old venerable Pac Hell died and I was stuck getting my net fix on the run at one to two hours at shot. As you might know living on line for 8+ hours at a shot is all immersing.

It was slow at first. But as you get into all those cyberpunk residuals accrued from Neuromancer start kicking in. Internet prescence yeah. Dead channel skies yeah.

Though the self worth bloat of the web slowly receded to reasonable levels, I still had the hope. The idea that you could bridge the human gap with this tangle of wires. And it really pushed me on. Well that and the concept that the world of information was now accessible whenever

And from the hunger of the new and the hope of the bridge, I started to look. For what? Anything. Something. That Zen Surf hustle where you start at one corner of the world and just go. It turns it all into real time free association (RTFA).

It was during one of these many thought hopping ventures that I found the phrase that would dim my stupid laser show dreams - THE STRIP MALLING OF THE INTERNET or something close to that. The idea that all that was before would merely turn to a virtual cement promenade where you could buy shoes or what have you...

Yeah I know that information wants to free jazz is so dead. All the web is now is one big billboard. No alternate plane of existence. No great equalizer of culture.

All it took was one burned out power supply to bring me back down to planet earth.

One thing that increased the intensity of the experience was it was my first computer. Long story short, it was like a first car. Less an appliance or a vehicle so much as a juju or fetish. No mere extension, it is you.

So needless to say I sort of freaked when it went. Like so many things I figured I'd have more time to prepare for the inevitable. Yeah right.

What a come down. To find myself all strung out for another modem hit. I did what I could and just held on. Read a bit more. Wrote on paper alittle more. Saw a little more sunlight (well not much more than usual.).

So for a time it was all about getting the time in, checking the email, managing to get word processor time. No time for great pie in the sky concerns. Constant now. Reaching for a state formerly acchieved. Nothing fancy just get a computer.

Within a little time ( it felt longer than it was), I had something new. Nothing great but certainly serviceable. No voodoo fetish here just the computer equivalent of a second hand car.

Now I am not complaining. Any is better than none.

The real surprise was to actually make my way back online.

The drift of a couple months in computer time is like years. The closest I am ever going to get to that astronaut returning from the reaches of space feeling. The astronaut is the same age as when he left but the world has kept spinning.

Despite what I had thought, it was not a form fitted personal experience. It is a series of points and preferences. Close but no cigar. The connection is just not as close as before. It's just a tool. Like a hammer or a screwdriver.

Well so much for a little indoor transcendence. Maybe next time, I tell you how I found Linux and nearly lost my mind.