well, my 21st birthday was yesterday. i spent it standing in a sea of people at a club. they were playing some especially nice music. problem is, im not emotionaly ready to handle social situations, not with people who dont care the way i do. call me fucked up, but im the type of guy who just wants to find someone to cling to, even for just a while. I just want someone to show a little emotion. some just to fucking hurt, just once. i want so see someone cry over the fact that they care about ME that much. im so fucking sick of crying over my freinds/ex-girlfreinds. how can one find thier place in the world, when surrounded by people who will NEVER give in to the disire to completly belong/devote themselves to someone. if it is in the way i present myself, then someone let me know. it seems like i just must look too incredibly vulnerable, or maybe just not enough. oh, and sheri and i broke up 2 nights ago, so im sure that will sit well in my head and heart. listen to how fucking stupid i am, i am about to drive her 3 states away...so she can go back home to see her family. im supposed to stay with her for a week. ok, WHY am i putting myself in a situation with a girl who will NEVER care about me as much as i do her? this is what i think is adorable, a person in this world, as vulnerable and as emotionaly unstable as i am, could spend hours verbaly devoting themselves to a trusted freind who is attracted to that over emotional person, simply trying to show that even for a breif period, belonging to that person and getting thier undivided attention would make living actually positive. I have a friend danille who will not admit that i care about her as much as i do. i could devote my heart/time/energy/life to her at any point. now of course reason tells me that this is wrong, due to the fact that we could never work out as a partnership, she is simply too far from what i need. so it is all my fault, my own emotions are the enemy. when one admits this, where do they go? ive thought on this much. my emotions are not going to change, i enjoy tradgedy i think, i think that i need the drama, that is, of course, if i cant have the girl that my heart currently becomes fixated on. i think that it is important for me to spend a lot of time around people...but at the same time, i think that is what is killing who i am. should i trun away from my emotional ways? or should i continue to suffer in some sort of haphazard day to day non-existing romance. in a world that wants independance and personal strength, a boi who wants nothing more then devotion and self surrender cannot exist...
Under the direction of an advisor of mine (see previous entry) The following chapters will be things that were written by me during a very difficult period. During this period, I spent most of my free time at my camper sitting at the wooden table, refelecting on my life and its main issues. During this foggy time, a small girl, my freind...Nikki...was the odd center of my life. So, here is a few cuts from the envelope which i hold in my hands. Be warned, it is not in good form, or in a good state of mind, so the writting is choppy and raw at times.
(1) I am a difficult person to understand. At least for those who have had little pain in thier lives. Oh, and I suppose even those who have had much pain in their lives, have a hard time knowing me. It seems that no one really gets it. They think me to be evil, deciveing, and that i plot against them. Well, guess what...I'm not that person. Problem is, i feel to much it seems. It seems the pain and frustration of thiers is more of a freind to me then they are. It's the only thing that seems to really stick by me. Let's start off by first thinking about the things that seem to plauge me. I'm petrified of people. Being around anyone makes me feel as if they might misread me, and condemn me. I am very nervous when I am forced to speak to a large group of people. Matter of fact, I hate being in any group of people. It makes me feel that there is no way i could properly express myself.
(2) Nothing...I have been reduced to very little, I have no driving force...no good...no goal...no desires. Everyone and everythign is alligning against me. I have no direction, and my sight is blured. The only company I can stand is my own. Even then, I hate my company. I wish my life was simpler.
(3) Just hold me, tell me I'm yours and you never wish our departure. Can't you see? I'm so scared I'll never get put back together. I used to be o.k., fighting the world. It has made its mark on me. Now I fight it the only way I know how...hiding and loveing.
(4) Lord, what about sickness? What about those who are getting sicker? The ones that reach the point where they can only be kept alive by a nurse or a machine, or a drug? Lord, then what? I really hope there is someone to help me if it gets to this point. I know you do, Lord, but haveing a human would be necessary. Where is the answer now? Would I take Pottasium Chloride? We spend so much time worrying about what to do with our lives, or how to enjoy ourselves, before we know it, we have some tragic question to deal with.
(5) (written at Ceremony, the club on 9/16/2000) My fear of abandonment is still strong, why? Why really? I know who i need, i need God. But i suppose being made as a social creature, I am required to find one to devote my efforts twords. To love one, more then all the others. Loveing one more then others? Is this wise? Is this righteous? Or is it a worldly delusion? So with all this in mind then, It is time for determination if this, or these, or those things contribute, or take away from helping you live upon the proper path. Righteousness is a reward not easily achieved. So only by complete disconection from the things which inhibit the progress, will one be able to achieve the point of our existance.
(6) I really want a girl, but i know the time must just not be right. When will it be right? When I am able to completely walk in the light, only then will I be able to lead a girl unto the light. Or find a girl who is already walking in the light. Only then. So, what's it gonna be? Yourself, alone. Or you, God, and the girl that is right for you? What's it gonna be? No one walks entirely in the light, you hav'nt seen otherwise, have you? So give up! Give up your own desires, let it go. Work hard until you have gotten yourself to a place where you are comfortable. Only then will you be ok. *sigh*
It Is currently late September. I recently recieved mail from a girl who intruiged me enough to continue working on my fantasy story. Looking back upon it, I see how much of an impact Emma had on my creativity. I built most of this so that she could feel closer to me. But alas...she has disapeared. I feel I am finally coming to terms with it though. I have had pleanty of people leave my life lately...All this is to teach me that I need to quit leaning on them as much, and put all of my problems and faith on God, for he is the only one who CAN stick with me through it all. Everyday I have new realizations...and everyday I get angry because i didnt know yesterday, what I know today. This upsets me, becuase there could be something completely vital to my eixistance that i need to know now, but wont learn until tommarow. What If I was to die tonight?
Its all too complicated.
Its now Late July.
Im in a bit of an odd place...my world has been turned upside down fromteh absoulte disaperance of Emma. She simply disapeared with no warning. My heart is completly broken. To add to it, a former freind of mine, who i spent more time with than anyone else, who i talked with about everything, a guy that 'almost' came close to understanding me, recently turned into a monster.
he left my side to take the side of a life of self worship and gratification. And everything i have heard about his recent life is that he is completly miserable and going no where.
good luck D.
i miss u emma.
It's interesting how much has changed since the last time I have entered anything to this page. I started attending The Art Institute of Pittsburgh two weeks ago. My time is much more limited now and I have much more assignments then I ever did in High School. College is much different, it's like, there isn't cliques. There is only people that know each other. And the assignments are things that you are actually interested in. School is helping to keep me distracted from sadness. I think it is because it helps keep me away from girls I shouldn't waste my time on and things that will only complicate my life. My schedule is now completly full and when I do get a free night, I enjoy it easier now. I usually spend it drinking coffee at a resturant or talking to Armond. I feel more complete now, and I feel as if I have regained more will power as well. One thing that seems to help a lot is that when i go to school, I dress much like I would as if I was going to Ceremony (Goth club). I wear all my makeup and all my jewlery. I like looking pretty and no one stares at me there...well, lot that much. I can wear my glitter lipstick and my hair clips etc...etc...It just helps me feel more complete and confident. hmmm, I wonder what that says about me...well, so be it.
The old self versus the new self. It is said that when Christ died, our old self died with him, the old man that lived in the futility of his worldly thinking, the old man that was brilliant, yet darkened by ignorance. It is so that we still carry many carictaristics of the old man we once were. He hasn't come back, he is dead, we just simply remember a lot of our old human habits. We MUST put off sin, push it away from us, for it not only destroys our selves, it also destroys the people we know as well! This is all fine, to get rid of sin, but it will come back if we do not replace it...As if you were to take off a dirty shirt, would you not replace it with a clean one? The old self is dead, why not replace him with someone worth being..someone that is trustworty and kind, someone that contributes in a positive way to the people we interact with. I am trying hard at this, yet I still seem to hold some of the old carictaristics of the old man. I pray that one day, I am able to rid all things that keep me from being soemone that is known for his kindness and compasion. Somone that maybe ends up being a saint. Most kids want to be rock stars or doctors or president. I just want to be good.
The night is cold, and the air is pleasently perfect...
clean and breezy...he sits alone in his cambers, listening to his sorrow and lonlyness play against the keys as he types away furriously on his keyboard...He has realized that reality is not pleasent and the things he has experienced are not benificial to him...he has reatreted to his elaborate computer room to talk with the one Soul he had fallen for...Miss Lady Bathory....Ersebet Bathory...the one women He feels is intellegent enough to commusicate with him without dragging him further down the spiral. He sits crouched over his computer... leaning off of his large 18th century hand carved wooden chair...felling completly real...as if his digital life was reality and as if reality was Hell...He Stares at the pictures that grace his stone wall...the pictures of her that he treasures so much...he reaches out to touch them...a tear forms as he begins to feel a drop of affection spring through him...The first time in years since the death of his former love...due to his rage. But he feels better now...subdued, happy, more human...even though this is not what he is...his extened eye teeth remind him of this. "Cursed" he says touching the left fang with his slender tounge..."damned forever, trying to cope with the things about me that are so evil" he mumbles..."I hate the thing I have become, the thing the world has driven me to...this life of misery and pain..." his head shakes as he waits patiently for Miss Erzsebet to Log on...he searches his hard drive for the pictures of her he has hidden deep, as if to Hide the fact that he still has a longing for love and for the touch of kind flesh that he still needs despreatly...He begins to question his sanity..."Am I possibly able to live a normal life again? Rather than coninueing the things I do? The things that feed me? Could I possibly establish A life with my Love? Or am I damned...the disease constanly keeping me miles from her? This Phobia of seeing her as she truly is? Will it meet up with the Ideal beauty My twisted mind has aleady established for her?" he thinks. And then he declares outloud as if he somehow realized a great mystery.."Yes! I believe! I think I am ready! I can do this! possibly...maybe..." his self esteem and trust in his mind fails quickly, bringing him back to doubt.....and just then, his computer alerts him that she has entered his own private chat room he has ectablished for them to meet in...
his eyes widden and his fear brush away, as they always do as he sees her type the words "Halo, Love!" Signaling her return from reality into there world of happiness.....
****to be continued.......
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