This guy was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer, and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this redneck Game Warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave when the Game Warden says "Not so fast, Boy. I need to inspect the deer." The Game Warden then reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger. The Game Warden gets angry then says "Wait a minute Boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer; this here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you Boy?" Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet hand pulls out a Virginia Hunting License. The Game Warden looks at the valid license and disappointingly says, "Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on; get out of here." The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same Game Warden who says "Just a minute Boy. I need to inspect the deer." He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his finger and says "Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?" The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the Game Warden, who again has to let him go. So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a deer; one from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the Game Warden stops to do the Finger Test, and each time the hunter is able to produce the correct license. Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious: "Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the south! Where the hell are you from, anyway?" The hunter drops his pants, bends over and says "You Tell Me!" In 1994 scientists at NASA developed a gun built specifically to launch Dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the Space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of aerospace windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, the British sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA e-mailed a response of just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken." --------------------------------- George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude." "Harriet, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?" -------------------------------- The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . . TATYR: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness. OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease. BURGLESQUE: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. GLIBIDO: All talk and no action. DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. -------------------------------- An American woman and an Iraqi woman are grocery shopping. While in the produce aisle, the Iraqi woman picks up two baking potatoes. She holds them up to the American woman and says "These remind me of my husband’s testicles." The American woman says "Really, that big?" Then the Iraqi woman says "No, the dirt." --------------- An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window." ---------------------- Bob goes out drinking at the bar one night. He is sitting at the bar drinking and realizes he has to go to the bathroom. So Bob gets up and walks to the bathroom and stands at the urinal. As he starts xxxxing, another man walks in. The man walks to the urinal but stands 3 feet away from it. He pulls out his penis and to Bob's amazement it is 3 feet long. Bob can't help but look. As Bob finishes xxxxing he begins to walk out but he stops and says to the man, "I have to ask this, how in the world did you get a 3 foot penis?" The man replies, "I have a 3 foot penis because I be a leprechauns. All leprechauns have a 3 foot penis." Bob says, "Really? All leprechauns?" The man replies "Yes, 3 foot of penis and a pot of gold. You know, you could be a leprechaun too." Bob says "Really, how would I do that?" The man says, "All you have to do is take all 3 feet in your ass." At this bob cringes and says, "There is no way in hell I would even think about that," and leaves the bathroom and goes back to the bar. When Bob sits down he slams back 8 shots and starts thinking "3 foot of penis and a pot of gold." The thought of it is just too appealing to Bob so he runs back to the bathroom and tells the man, "Ok, I am ready for it, but do it quick before I change my mind." Bob pulls down his pants and the man starts to shove his penis in his ass. Then the man asks, "So me boyo, what might your name be." Bob replies with a groan, "Ughhh... Bob." Then the man asks, "So tell me Bob, how old might ye be?" "38" "A little old to be believing in leprechauns don't ye think!" -------------------------------- Why it's great to be a guy. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. One mood, all the time - horny.---------------------------------- An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."--------------------------- Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view. "That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked. "Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond. "I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all of my hunting dogs." They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Bob gypped the hell out of you," his wife said. "You are such a fool!" Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?" Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Well, xxxx" Bill said, "This dog is useless." Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob. After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT! That dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could shake a xxxxing stick at!"----------------------------- A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."------------------------Mr. Johnson, the head of a large American firm, called a board meeting just before his holiday to hand out jobs for his time away to the lesser members and staff on the board. As he was going round the table handing out jobs he came to the new member of staff he came to Mr. Chen and put him in charge of supplies thinking that if he is the new boy we will give him an easy job. On his return he called another meeting and asked for updates. After doing a round the table he realizes that Mr. Chen was missing he asks the board if anybody has seen him today and finds out to his dismay that he has been missing for two weeks. After sending out a message to every employee in the firm, he finds out from a cleaning lady that Mr. Chen has been in the building constantly down in stores. The board then decides to go down a see what he has been doing, thinking he has rearranged the system and been working his buns off. When they get there they find all the lights out… … Just as they are about to leave, Mr. Chen leaps out from behind a box and shouts "Supplies!"-------------------------------------------- > As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the > peace is > shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that > moment to > throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his > frustrated, > embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the > boy > continues to scream furiously and kick the seats > around > him. > > Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man > in the > uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly > walking > forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother > with an > upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, > soft-spoken General > leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers > > something into the boy's ear. > > Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his > mother's > hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. > > All the other passengers burst into spontaneous > applause. > As the General slowly makes his way back to his > seat, one > of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. > > "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I > ask > you what magic words you used on that little boy?" > > The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I > showed > him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle > ribbons, and > explained that they entitle me to throw one > passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."------------------------------------------- You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"----------------------------- > > A very religious man lived right next door to an > > atheist. While > > the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was > > constantly on > > his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist > > never even > > looked twice at a church. > > > > However, the atheist's life was good, he had a > > well-paying job > > and a beautiful wife, and his children were > healthy > > and good- > > natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous > > and his > > wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every > > day and his > > kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. > > > > So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his > > eyes > > towards heaven and asked: > > > > "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice > > for every > > problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my > > neighbour, > > who doesn't even believe in you and certainly > never > > prays, > > seems blessed with every happiness, while I go > poor > > and > > suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" > > > > And a great voice was heard from above: > > > "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"-------------------------------------------- Dear Dr. Dover: I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless. After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning? A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant. A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy...but the wife got pregnant yet again. Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again. I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead. Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her. You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing. Yours sincerely, Bubba Brickhead----------------------------------
