10 "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Hello!
9 "...so I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhh! I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun
8 That poor gerbil being shot out of that guy's ass like Rocky the flying squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle
7 Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus I'm just guessing here, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love"
6 People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their rectums
5 People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of raving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth Call me old fashion, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4 "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth
3 People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up butts
2 What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference about this?
1 This happened in Salt Lake City? What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family