US Armed Forces Voicemail

Okay...it's not quite this bad yet. But Washington's working on it.

Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces. All of our units are currently busy assisting other customers in various trouble-spots around the world. When you hear the beep, please leave the name of your country, region of the crisis, and a number where we can reach you. as soon as we finish cleaning up the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, Y2K, and our compulsory "Consideration of the Feelings of Others" orientation classes, we'll be happy to return your call.
For more options, please press one now.
(beep)
If your crisis is small, immediate in nature, under-funded, and close to the ocean, press one for the United States Marine Corps.
If your crisis is distant, with a mild climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one of two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force.
If your crisis can be resolved with a bit of gray flannel, flags, and a really good marching band, press 3 for the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come first-serve basis.
If your crisis is not urgent, press 4 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you're in real trouble, press 4 for the U.S. Army Special Operations Command Center. Your request will be processed as soon as the compulsory credit check is completed. Please note that the Army Special Command may bill your account at any time, and the actual specifics of the charges will be classified.
If you'd like to join the U.S. Army, where you'll be shouted at for low pay, have your wife and family stationed miles from civilization, and are prepared to work long hours, risk your life, in all kinds of weather and terrain, while watching congress constantly erode your pay and benefits package, please stay on the line. A bitter, passed-over Army recruiter in an old strip mall down by the post office will be with you shortly.
Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces.
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