You Might Be a Liberal If...

By Chris Grawburg



  you've ever left your sociology class thinking, "That professor really 
	knows what he/she/it is talking about." 

  you associate the words "model American" with "Bill Clinton" 

  you think Dan Rather represents media impartiality 

  your response to anything Rush Limbaugh says is, "Well, he's fat." 

  the first word in the description of your hair color is "neon" 

  you've ever tried to protect the ozone layer 

  you've stood for animal rights, but wear leather belts and sandals 

  you've ever given a dollar to a bum so he can buy more liquor ... ummm ... 
	food 

  you ever use the words "Clarence Thomas" and "Uncle Tom" in the same sentence
 
  you are a vegan 

  you have a bumper sticker that says "You Can't Hug With Nuclear Arms" on your
	car 

  you believe diversity represents the extinction of the white race 

  you've ever walked around carrying one of those Javahhh mugs 

  you pay a 185 percent markup for organically grown food 

  you cheered for "Obstructing Justice Simpson" last Tuesday at 1 p.m. 

  you don't think it's right to kill rapists and murderers, but do think it's 
	right to kill babies 

  you have anything to do with the Compassionate Living Fair 

  you want more funding for AIDS research but less for cancer, despite the 
	fact that cancer kills many more people per year 

  you have the entire menu at Cup-A-Joe memorized 

  you consider yourself open-minded but refuse to listen to anything Jesse 
	Helms has to say 

  you abhor censorship unless it's censoring race, religion, Conservatism, 
	Western culture or Rush Limbaugh 

  you found yourself unemployed after this past November's election 

  you're a dope smoker or a womanizer ... oh, sorry, that's "You might be a 
	Clinton cabinet official if ..." 
  you're the dolt who stole the "Helms '96" bumper sticker from my car 

  you think the phrase, "... separation of church and state" is in the 
	Constitution 

  you cry, "You can't legislate morality," but defend the Roe v. Wade decision 
	in order to legalize your moral position on abortion 

  you stay informed by watching MTV News 

  you have an "I'm Straight But Not Narrow" button pinned to your book bag 

  there is a ring in any part of your head other than your ears 

  you think religion is bad for school kids to learn, but think condom 
	giveaways are just what schools need 

  you molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television ... 
	oops, my mistake again, that's "You might be Mel Reynolds if ..." 

  you think Jesse Jackson is a good spokesman for the black community 

  you think Jesse Jackson is good at anything 

  you lie in bed at night worried that Pat Robertson might be out to get you 

  you attribute the rising illegitimacy rate, crime rate or problems in the 
	inner city to Ronald Reagan 

  you've ever held up a grocery store line trying to pick between plastic, 
	which isn't biodegradable, or paper, which cuts down innocent trees 

  you think the National Organization for Women is made up of average 
	heterosexual women with no lesbian agenda 

  you're on the committee to construct the Gay Jewish Women's Cultural Center
	-- there's a slight chance you're a liberal 

  you blame Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but not the spend-happy "Democrooks"
	for the huge national debt 

  banning assault weapons is your solution to end crime (what do you mean 
	punish the criminals?) 

  you tell me how to live by telling me I can't tell people how to live 

  you think Ted Kennedy is sober and monogamous.