Sung to the tune of Beauty and the Beast's "Be our guest"
  Abbreviation glossary:
    P: Professors
    S1, S2, S3: Distinct students
    S: Students in unison
    TA: Teaching assistant

P: Ma chere tuition-payers,it is with deepest sadism and greatest power
that we welcome you this morning. And now, we require you to get tense,
let us pull up a chair, as the faculty proudly presents - your final!

P: Take your test
   Take your test
   Are you nervous? Are you stressed?
   Winter's just around the corner now
   We love this time the best
   Physics laws
   English lit.
   Why, you'll never want to quit
   What's the formula for vinyl?
   Don't you love to take a final!
   Classic film
   Modern dance
   All the kings and queens of France
   You'll be writing with such energy and zest
   Go on and take some blue books
   You'll at least need two books
   Take your test
   Fake your test
   Take your test

   World War I
   World War II
   You'll be chugging Mountain Dew
   As you scram back home to cram
   And stay awake the whole night through
   If you're here
   And you're scared
   Then you're prob'ly unprepared
   Don't tell me about your party
   You should study, Mr. Smarty
   Distant stars
   Shakespeare's plays
   Let us run you through our maze
S1: Did you ever get the feeling we're oppressed?
P: Don't question our regime
   How could you dare blaspheme?
   Now take your test
   (You've B.S.ed,
   But you'd rather say you've "guessed")
   Take your test
   Take your test
   Take your test

   Life's all smiles and smirking
   For a student who's not working
   It's a gas without a class to load him down
   Ah, those good old days way back in grade school
   Suddenly he wants his cap and gown
   While he's been busy learning
   Curiosity's been burning
   What's it like to have a minute to himself?
   He won't know 'til after graduation
   They came here so lazy
   Now we're driving them all crazy!

S1: It's a test!
S2: It's a test
S3: This can't be! I still need rest!
P: You want sleep, you little creep?
   That's very good. That's quite a jest
   Ancient worlds
   Complex math
   And we won't withhold our wrath
   Yes, we'll give you quite a beating
   If we catch you while you're cheating
   Chinese art
   Civil E.
   Anesthesiology
S3: Help me please! I'm having cardiac arrest!
S1: Somebody check his heart!
P: Then label every part!
   It's on your test
S: That's our test?
P: That's your test
S: What a pest!

TA: Here's a test
    There's a test
    I'm so very much depressed
    Have to grade each one of these in just a day
    And I'm hard-pressed!
    Biochem
    Japanese
    Why our "quarters" come in threes
    While the deadline still is looming
    I'll keep grading
    I'll keep fuming

P: Course by course
   One by one
   'Til you shout, "This isn't fun!"
   Then we'll laugh at every place that you digressed
   We've done our best to pester
   See you next semester!
   Take your test
   Take your test
   Take your test
   Now, take your test

(C) 1996 by Jason Knight. This work may be freely distributed in its
unmodified form. Comments welcome. Mountain Dew is a brand name of the
Pepsi-Cola Company.