Note: this episode occurs sometime in the third season. Ross & Rachel are together (I didn’t want to go through the drama of them not being together), Janice and Richard are out of the picture, and Pete has never, and will never show his face… It is safe to assume that everyone but R&R are unattached.
Ross = Ross, Rachel = Rach, Chandler = Chan, Monica = Mon, Joey = Joe, and Phoebe = Phoe.Now, without further ado:
TOW Phoebe Writes a Play
Opening
<Central Perk- all are present. Chandler, Monica and Joey are on the couch, Rachel is in the chair, and Ross is in another chair. Phoebe is seated on her guitar stool… we are to assume that she will be playing. >
Phoe-
Hello everyone. I’d like to play you all my newest song. It’s a tribute to my favorite flower. Here goes.
<Starts slowly and half way decent>
Oh beautiful daisies!
<Now, fast and bad like her other songs>
Daisy, daisy, daisy!
The American Government is crazy,
We’re riding a roller coaster…
To Hell! La la la-la la, da da da-da da,
Tulips!
<A few claps. >
Mon-
Honey, that was…. GREAT!!!
Phoe-
<Nods>
Oh, yeah, I know.
<Phoebe turns her back to them to put away her guitar. They’re all either showing disgusted or clueless faces, except for Joey, who is crying. >
Chan-
<Apparently serious>
I really like the whole "riding a roller coaster to Hell," thing.
Phoe-
I know! Me too! That was like the total height of happiness in my song!
Ross-
Uh… Pheebs, how is "Riding a roller coaster to Hell," happy?
Joe-
<Who is still tearing, obviously moved>
Ross! Don’t you get it? It was like the most moving song! The roller coaster represented happiness and excitement and fun, and Hell represents the heat and passion of love!
<Everyone gives Joey this astonished look>
Phoe-
Uh, no, but nice guess! When I get on roller coasters, I get butterflies in my stomach… and I LOVE butterflies.
Rach-
And Hell?
Phoe-
Don’t you people understand? Devils live in Hell, right?
<Everyone does an "I guess so" nod>
Well… devils have hooves instead of feet. All the cartoons say so… and deer have hooves too! My song is about deer and butterflies frolicking in my favorite flowers!
Ross-
Uh… butterflies don’t "frolic." They fly, or flutter, if you will.
And what about the American government?
Phoe-
Oh, poor misguided Ross! The American government is full of donkeys and Elephants, right?
Ross-
If you are referring to the Republican and Democratic parties….
Phoe-
No! I’m referring to the donkeys and elephants. Who’s to say that they can’t frolic in my flowers?!
<Rachel stands>
Rach-
Sorry guys, I’ve got a dentist appointment.
All-
<Assorted good-byes. Rachel stops at the door and turns to ask Phoebe a question. >
Rachel-
Bye the way… Phoebe, which is your favorite flower? Daisies or tulips?
Phoe-
Why would you think my favorite flowers were daises or tulips?
****Opening Credits****
<Girls apartment- all are present except Phoebe. Phoebe then enters>
Phoe-
Hi guys! Guess what?
Chan-
A run-a-way streetcar killed the last of the Muppet Babies?
<Joey worriedly looks to Phoebe for confirmation. >
Phoe-
NO!
<A sigh of relief from Joey>
I’ve decided to stop writing songs.
All-
<Out bursts of why’s and how come’s. >
Phoe-
Well, yesterday I realized that no one on this plane of existence is able to understand the deep meanings of my songs.
Chan-
<Mumbling to himself. No one can hear. >
Like anyone can understand the shallow meanings in your songs.
Mon-
Well, Pheebs, what are you going to do now? Song writing was your life!
Phoe-
I’m going to write plays!
Rach-
Aw… Honey… that will be…. Great!
Phoe-
I know. I’ve already written one. I have it right here!
<Lifts 5 scripts from her bag and hands them out>
I thought we could all perform it at Central Perk on Saturday, instead of me singing a song! I named it….
Ross-
Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Joey, Monica and Phoebe.
Phoe-
Yup!
Chan-
Gee, Pheebs… I wonder what it’s about? Communists taking over the Muppet Babies….
Joey-
<Classic Joey face>
DUDE!!!! First you kill them, now this?
Chan-
Uh… yeah… Phoebe?
Phoe-
Chandler… you really need to get this Muppet Baby thing out of your system. You are becoming quite the mean little man.
<Chandler gives the "Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you just said that" look">
So will you all be in the play? It won’t be hard. You’ll all be playing yourselves.
Chan-
<Was flipping through the script, but now has a very perplexed and uncomfortable look on his face. >
Um, Pheebs… why does it say this on page 12?
"And he gently put his strong hands on Chandler’s soft, smooth breasts?"
Phoe-
Oh… Isn't it obvious?
Chan-
No… not to me, it isn’t!
Phoe-
Yes it is!
I changed all of our names! I didn’t think you’d all want strangers knowing about our private lives AND knowing our names.
Ross-
So let me get this straight… you gave our names to each other?
Phoe-
Well, duh! I think it would be a little stupid if the title was "Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Joey, Monica and Phoebe," and none of us were in it!
And besides… naming the characters is half the fun in play writing!
Ross-
But you didn’t make up any new names!
Phoe-
Why should I, when it is called "Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Joey, Monica and Phoebe?"
Joe-
Well, um Phoebe, if you ARE going to use our names… maybe you should put the guy names on the guys, and the girl names on the girls.
Rach-
Phoebe, Joey does have a point…
Joe-
Exactly! I don’t want my name on no girl. My name on that "Dawson’s Creek" chick scares me enough… I don’t want men touching MY breasts.
<Everyone gives him a look. Joey looks subdued, embarrassed. >
My… manly breasts.
Rach-
Well… eh hem… So, what is your play REALLY about?
Phoe-
It’s just about us, and the things I’ve noticed about us that no one else has. You know… the whole "deeper meaning." But I really think people will understand it more with us acting it out.
Mon-
So, Pheebs, who is who?
Phoe-
Well… You’ll all be playing yourselves… but with different names. Let’s see Ross, your name is Rachel, Joey, your name is Phoebe, Monica, your name is Chandler…
Mon-
Whoa! My smooth, soft breasts are getting touched? Bye who?
Phoe-
Monica.
Mon-
No, In real life!
Phoe-
Oh, Chandler is Monica.
Ross-
Uh… hehe… how did you come to the conclusion that my best friend should be feeling up my sister?
Phoe-
Why wouldn’t he be… Ooh! It hasn’t happened yet! I must have been living in the future for a while! OH! It hasn’t happened! Oh my!
Mon-
What hasn’t happened yet?
Phoe-
<Still very frantic and worried>
Oh… nothing…. My play is almost totally fictional. Almost nothing in it is factual, or tells of events that will come in our future….
<Later, in the girls’ apartment, all the friends are there, begrudgingly practicing for Pheebs’ play>
Phoe-
kay, since SOME of you don’t like my job of casting… Chandler you can be Chad. Monica, you will be Anika. Ross, you will be Russ. Rachel, you will be Rashel. Joey, you will be Louie, and I will be Victoria.
Ross-
Victoria, why is your name so different than ours?
Phoe-
Write your own play, and see if you want to be Beebee, just cuz it rhymes with your name.
Okay, lets take it from where Chad is just about to tell a joke that no one thinks is funny.
Mon-
Uh, Honey, there are dozens of places like that in the script.
Phoe-
Well, then let’s start from the place where Russ and Rashel are gonna make plans to do… stuff.
Rachel-
<Mischievous smile>
Pheebs, there are lots of places like that too.
Phoe-
Well, how about from where Louie brings home a girl?
Chan-
Plenty of that….
Phoe-
Well, how about where Anika is going on a cleaning spree….
Ross-
I think that’s in here multiple times as well….
Phoe-
Geez, our lives are boring. Arhg. Am I supposed to do everything for you people?
Okay, let’s take it from the place where Chandler gets lucky.
Ross-
Whoops… not hard to find that once in a lifetime occurrence…
Chan-
Thanks man.
Ross-
Anytime Bro.
Phoe-
K… now that the fraternizing is over…. Let’s get on with my play!
Rach-
<Mumbles so that all but Phoebe can here>
Yes slave driver Pheebs.
Phoe-
Now get in your places… all of you off set, except for Chad and Anika.
ACTION!
<note: imagine them reading these lines with little emotion. Imagine how you would sound if you had read a bio-chemistry book, while trying to put emotion into it.. Sorry, that’s the best I can do. >
Chan-
So I said, "And that’s enough of the chicken fried rice!"
Mon-
<Laughs… but it resembles what her work laugh might have sounded like… if that had ever happened. >
Oh, Chad, you are the funniest person in the world. I could sit here and listen to your quips until the eternal candle which burns within the soul of all that are good, and all that are fair, and all that don’t smell bad, is extinguished…
Phoe-
Duck, your line!
<The duck waddles on screen, quacks, shakes its wings, and leaves.>
Chan-
Yes… My dear Anika, I could sit here and listen to your laugh of bells until the black sky devours the harmonious blue of day for the rest of eternity… or at least until the microwave buzzer sounds telling us that our feast for kings has finished basking in the waves of supple heat….
Phoe-
PROP BOY!
<Joey begins to run around the room frantically, looking every where for the little bell he was supposed to ring. He trips over Rachel, who was sitting on a kitchen chair painting her nails. Rachel shows fury in her face, and Joey gives another classic Joey look. This time of fear. He helps her up, takes the nail polish brush from her, begins to paint her nails messily, thinking that he was making things better. >
Rach-
Joey!
Phoe-
Joey! I gave you one job for this scene? Why can’t you do it?
Joe-
I’m just… I don’t know… I was just thinking that the whole thing was unrealistic.
Mon-
Imagine that!
Joe-
No, the scene was fine… it’s the whole bell thing. Instead of a microwave ding to tell when supper is ready, I was thinking of maybe one of those foghorns they use at hockey games.
Phoe-
Oh my gosh! You are so smart! You are the only one here with any knack for this play…. Maybe it’s because you’re an actor.
Chan
<This is a voice over, Thoughts>
Yeah… who better to star in a bad play, than a bad actor?
Mon-
Phoebe, can we either finish this, or stop? There are some things I want to clea…. I mean…. Places I need to go.
Phoe-
Oh, fine, we’ll finish this…. But we are not going to stop until we get it right!
Rachel-
<Rachel stands up and walks towards her bedroom>
Phoebe, wake me up when I have a part, ok?
<She goes into her room>
Ross-
<A few seconds later, Ross stands up too, and walks towards Rachel’s room>
Yeah… Phoebe, wake me up when I have a part too, ok?
<Goes into the bedroom. >
Phoe-
<Yelling into the bedroom>
Fine… but anyone who leaves early isn’t going to get any ice cream after the practice!
Mon-
<Happily>
Pheebs, you didn’t tell us that we were going to get ice cream!
Phoe-
We’re not, but they don’t know that.
Joe-
Uh, Phoebe, if I leave to get the foghorn now, do I still get ice cream?
Phoe-
<Exasperated sigh>
Okay. Oh, and Joey, could you bring a tub of ice cream back with you too?
Joe-
<Suddenly gets sad, still in thought voice over. > <Back in girls’ apartment, now only Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are present. >
Phoe- Chan- Phoe- Chan- Phoe- Mon- Phoe- Mon- Chan- Phoe- Chan- Mon- Phoe- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- Chan- Rach- Ross- Then either Ross or Rach- Chan- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- Mon- Chan- <Later, in girls’ apartment, Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are present. >
Ross- Phoe- Rach- Phoe- Ross- Mon- All- Mon- All- Chan- Rach- Chan- Joey- Phoe- Joey- Ross- Chan- Mon- Chan- Ross- Chan- Well, since we didn’t elope yesterday, and we’re not going to do it tomorrow, then I guess we did it today… and as to the question of why… I asked her if she would, and I told her that she either had to marry me or the cheese log in the freezer. Of course, she choose the cheese log, but it was already going out with the ham sandwich from last year, so Monica said "What the Hell," and we got married.
Ross- Chan- Mon- Ross- Chan- Ross- Chan- Phoebe- Rach- Joey- Ross- Chan- Ross- Chan-
******Closing Credits******
[Ross is alone at the girls' apartment. He's reading a book. He sits there for about 15 seconds reading, and dipping a cracker in a cheese log. Then, out of nowhere a foghorn sounds. Ross stands up, obviously enraged, goes across the hall, and pounds on Joey's door. ]
Ross-
Joey-
Ross-
Joey-
Well, that was it, remember to send me your feedback!
No problem.
Geez, that girl has an addiction to ice cream. First she’s going to have it with us, then she’s going to eat a whole other carton. Maybe she’s related to Uncle Mario. He ate everything…. Including the cat, Peppy.
I loved that cat!
<Trudges down the stairs. >
Okay, my chickadees, it’s time for the romantic climax of our play!
Ah, then shall I open the door to Rachel’s room so we can see that romantic clim…
<Monica slaps him on the arm>
Or maybe not….
No…. We will now take it from after you ate dinner. Chad and Anika are on the couch. ACTION!!!!
Oh, dearest Anika, how I wish that I could have you now, until time stood still. Will you kiss me?
Yasmine, your line!
<Yasmine the chick comes on screen makes some noises, and then the camera pans to show Chandler and Monica looking down… perhaps at the mess that little Yasmine made on the floor… but they continue. >
Oh, Chad, of course I will.
<They move together, and begin a very awkward kiss. >
Cut! That like so sucked! The birds could have performed that better! You are supposed to be in love! Kiss like you were in love, or at least in lust, for crying out loud!
Ah, Phoebe, I don’t know how easy that will be with Chandler. It is a little strange for me to be kissing Chandler… you know, he’s… CHANDLER!
Hello, I’m Chandler. Pleased to meet you. What’s your name?
<He extends a had, but Monica just gives him a look>
Phoebe, I think what Mon was trying to say, inside all the figurative language that made me sound like some sort of monkey and will probably have me in therapy for the next few months, is that we aren’t really comfortable doing this, since we are friends, you know?
No! I don’t know! You must get this kiss right! This is very important! You will go into Monica’s bedroom, and will not come out until you get the kiss perfect.
<Perks up>
Alright!!!
Oh no! We’ll stay right here, if you don’t mind!
Well, that’s okay, since I’m going anyway. I’ve just always wanted to tell an adult to go to their room. Well, I’m off, I have to buy costumes for the play.
<Monica looks as if she is going to comment, but Chandler puts his hand on her arm and does that "don’t even ask" motion. Phoebe exits. >
Well, I’m off to clean….
What about Pheebs' play? Aren’t we going to work on it?
Chandler, listen to yourself! This play is incomprehensible. Nothing makes sense! The scenes don’t make sense, the lines don’t make sense, and Phoebe… never makes sense.
Monica! This is for Phoebe. She gave up her favorite thing in the world, to do this! The least we can do is TRY and make it better.
So you and I fake making out is going to make the play better? Come on! She gave us the most unrealistic plots! That kiss was so weird! And we were just pretending. This is all so unreal!
It’s amazing that you think the play is so unrealistic, even though she hit everyone else’s lives right on the head. Joey’s girls, your cleaning, Rachel and Ross’… stuff. Who’s to say that we wouldn’t make a good couple?
Chandler! You’re being a little unrealistic here. We would make a terrible couple, and you know it! Stop playing your silly little mind games with me… You know better than anyone that we don’t have any chemistry.
<Chandler starts laughing at her. >
What’s so funny?
<Trying to stop from laughing. >
You seriously don’t think that’s true, do you?
<Monica gives him a quizzical look. >
Geez, Mon… I think we have amazing chemistry… I’ve just… never thought of a time to bring the subject up…
Chandler, come on. There need to be sparks… fire works… flames… ANYTHING!… we don’t have anything!
Sure, what ever you say.
<Chandler strides up to her and takes her in his arms… you know, an arm around her waste, and one supporting her head…. He takes her and starts to kiss her passionately… Monica is pretty quick in jumping into the kiss as well. They pull apart for a second, and look in each other’s eyes. >
And you’re wrong. Remember that chemistry set we had in college? We nearly burnt down the school. There ya go, chemistry and flames!
<Monica just smiles and starts to kiss Chandler again. The kiss gets pretty hot and heavy. Chandler and Monica move it to the couch, and just as it looks like they might start… stuff, we here a noise from Rachel’s bedroom. >
<Off screen>
I’ll get you Captain Muscle Smoochy Munch!
Not if I tackle you first, my black tiger, princess of Eden!
<A loud, strange, inhuman squeal. Use your imagination>
<Then incessant giggles>
<Both Monica and Chandler are dying of laughter. Chandler gets off of Monica and moves to the chair. >
Well… that was different.
I know… I don’t think I’ve ever heard a noise like that before…
No… I mean… what we just did… are at least, almost did.
<Subdued>
Oh. That WAS different… okay… maybe you were right about the chemistry thing.
<She looks up, perkier. >
You are a GREAT kisser.
Well… Well, I don’t mean to brag but…
Chandler, what are we going to do?
Huh?
What are we going to do about… what we almost did!
Eat, drink and be merry?
Hmmm, well, instead of obsessing over what we ALMOST did, we could actually do it, and obsess over it then…
I like the way you think!
Maybe in my room… away from the giggle fest.
<She gets up and walks towards her room. >
Mon, wait. We can’t do this. It isn’t right.
<Turns>
What? You’re actually refusing me? After that little stunt you just pulled? After everything?
Monica, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to seduce you that was bad of me. Bad Chandler! Bad!
<He starts to slap himself in the face. >
So, you’re saying you don’t want this to go any further?
<Surprised by her sentiment. >
Why?
<Walks over and takes her hands. >
Do… you?
I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it before, well, before now.
Well I have.
<He leans in, and they kiss softly>
So, where is the rest of the gang?
Well, Joey is probably still out on errands for me. Too bad. I won’t need anything he gets. I’ve decided not to do the play, because some affairs are better left private.
What are you going to do now, Pheebs?
I thought I’d try something new! I’m going to write songs!
<In a southern voice>
Oh, have fun with that now, ya hear.
<Monica & Chandler enter>
Uh, hi guys…
<Assorted greetings. >
We have some things that need to be said, and we don’t know how you will react…
<Assorted questions.>
Well, there isn’t a really easy way to tell you this, but…
<Chandler talks, but is totally drowned out by the sound of a foghorn. >
What was that?
It’s the elephants! Hide your peanuts!
<Door opens, to reveal Joey, and his foghorn. >
Hi guys. Phoebe, here it is.
Thanks Joey, but we aren’t going to have a play after all.
You mean I can keep it for my self? Alright!
So, what’s going on?
Monica and Chandler were going to tell us something. Go ahead guys. We’re waiting.
Fine. Monica and I kinda… sorta….
Eloped…
Well, have a great day everyone, come a long Monica…
<Ross shoots up with fire in his eyes. >
Hold it right there! When and why did this happen?!
I am not amused bye this.
How long have you to been together? A week, a month, a YEAR?
<Sarcastically>
Yeah, sure Ross, we’ve been having a tawdry affair behind your back, without you noticing for five months.
No, Ross. Actually, it was Phoebe that inspired us… She seems to see things that we don’t see, and evidently, she saw this, so we thought, "what the heck! I love you, let’s go for it!"
Love?
No, Captain Muscles Smoochy Munch, we decided to get married just because we wanted a family membership to the gym.
You heard!
Ross, the whole town heard!
Guess what! I wrote a new song.
<Gets out her guitar and plays it. >
I wrote a play,
It was good,
People got married,
People got harried,
And people named Captain Muscles Smoochy Munch have sick, perverted minds!
Tulips!
Well, I think it's great… a little sudden, but great!
Dude!
<Ross finally calms down, and we find that he is actually fine with the situation. >
I can't believe it! Monica, you're finally married! Your dream! And to a really great guy.
<Gets up to hug Chandler. >
Thanks man.
Just take care of my sister.
I always will.
JOEY!!! You can't turn that thing on every time you score with a woman!!!
[Joey peeks his head out of the crack in the door. He looks sad. ]
It's not me man. Its Phoebe.
You know how she said that she didn't want to do the play?
[Ross nods]
Well… she does, she just hired professional actors. She said that everyone wasn't playing their parts well enough. She's having them rehearse it.
What? That's ridiculous! Who better to play ourselves, then ourselves?
Ross, would you like to come in and meet everyone?
[Ross walks into Joey's apartment, but the camera stays in the hall. Than we hear Joey's voice off screen]
Ross, this is Rashel, Anika, and Chad… You know Phoebe and me… and do you remember Russ? Who knew that he was a doctor AND an actor?
[Ross walks out into the hallway very slowly. All I can say is imagine the funniest look of astonishment and bemusement that you can. All of a sudden, the horn blows again. Ross jumps, runs into the girls' apartment, and slams the door.]
