TOW The Potatoes

Hey everyone! Well I’m back with yet another fan fiction. As usual I’m keeping this part brief. Well Monica and Chandler are going out in this one. Rachel and Ross aren’t either, k? Well I think that’s it, enjoy!

[Everyone is in the Central Perk except Joey. Chandler is on the couch with Monica lying on his side. Ross is in the chair, Phoebe is next to Monica on the couch and Rachel is at the table writing on a notepad. Joey enters excitedly.]

Joey: Guess What?!

Chandler: The potatoes that you insist stare at you have knives and seem suspicious.

Joey: No. But now that I think of it, they didn’t look quite right this morning.

Chandler: Unfortunately the Navy didn’t share Joey’s paranoia about the conspiracy and possible hostel take-over of potatoes...

Joey: I’m tellin’ you man they have eyes...they can see...they can see me, you...everyone...[Ross gives a weird look to Rachel]. But that’s not it...

Chandler: The Care Bears thought the clouds were thick, were wrong and took a leap?

Joey: Messy...but no, I got an audition to be on ER!

Phoebe: ER! I love that show! It’s the one with the doctors and stuff right?

Rachel: Yup.

Joey: But for the auditions they require a short play, or commercial on tape to see how good you are before they set up an interview.

Monica: Well that wouldn’t be too hard, all you have to do is pick a product and do a commercial for it.

Phoebe: I can help!!! I can write music for it!

Joey: Cool, thanks Pheebs, you’re the greatest.

Phoebe: Well, yeah, I know. So what kind of product do you have in mind?

Monica: How about toothpaste, it doesn’t matter that much.

Joey: Um...

Monica: You’ve thought of this before haven’t you?

Joey: Maybe...

Monica: And?

Joey: Well it involves shooting evil things and letting them splat to their messy deaths. [I picture him doing hand motions with this.]

Chandler: A slingshot that uses ammo that will bare a surprising resemblance to characters from the cast of Barney?

Joey: Well no...A potato gun!!!

***Opening Credits****

[We see Monica and Chandler walking into the girls' apartment. Everyone else is there. Rachel is writing at the table, Joey and Phoebe are on the couch, and Ross is in the chair.]

Phoebe: Monica what’s wrong?

Chandler: Honey, it’s ok. You don’t have to be the best at everything.

Phoebe: Oh one of those...

Monica: I am tired of being the funny one’s girlfriend. It’s like ohh here comes the funny guy...and there’s the funny guy’s girlfriend.

Chandler: Well honey you can make jokes...

Monica: I just don’t want to be known as the funny guy’s girlfriend.

Ross: Monica you can be funny...you play jokes...

Rachel: You did that great one last year about how you didn’t wipe the table...

Monica: But I broke down...I couldn’t handle the pressure...

Ross: Yes a dirty table can sometimes be too much...[Monica glares at him].

Monica: Well I’ll show all of you.

Rachel: Can you keep it down?

Ross: Rach, I think we all couldn’t help but notice you are writing so much lately...

Rachel: Yeah...I’m writing a book!

Phoebe: That’s really cool! So is this a romance novel like when you wrote 2 chapters of the one when Chandler's mom motivated you too?

Rachel: No... This is gonna be good.

Chandler: Tell me one thing, is it modeled after my mom’s style?

Rachel: Not at all.

Chandler: Well, yes then it has potential. What’s it about?

Rachel: Well I thought this was the coolest idea, I’m going to write a teenage handbook, like the girl advice ones. I was a little oh...let’s see...popular in high school and I thought this would be a cute idea.

Chandler: Well when you get to the...male advice part you can come to me...

Joey: Or me...

Rachel: Actually Joey you are in it.

Joey: Really?? Cool. I’m the sexy stud that they all want but you’re saying they can’t have...

Rachel: No you’re the stud that will bring trouble because you go through girls like flies...

Joey: Niiice!

Chandler: That was not a....never mind.

[We see Joey and Phoebe in the boy’s apartment. Joey has a video camera set up on a tripod.]

Phoebe: Ok, let’s start. First we better rehearse it and see what we are going to do. So why don’t you show me what you had in mind?

Joey: With pleasure. [He takes his potato gun and starts shooting them out and is making an evil face, with an evil laugh of course. You know like the guys in the movies who have that evil laugh while shooting machine guns. I imagine this would be pretty funny. The potatoes are splattering all over the wall and doors.]

Joey: A HA HA HA HA HA!!! DIE YOU THINGS OF EVIL. THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH ME!!! [He laughs as they continue to shoot out like bullets.]

Phoebe: Ok, um...first, no. If you are doing a commercial for potato guns you can’t see to...I, just, you are enjoying this too much.

Joey: Well, what did you have in mind?

Phoebe: Well, I was thinking like a shot of you shooting it, in a non-violent manor! And then a song in the background.

Joey: Hmm, that could work.

[We fade out. We fade into the girls' apartment with Rachel writing at the kitchen table. Ross is there.]

Ross: So, what part are you on?

Rachel: Right now? I’m doing the section on self-confidence.

Ross: Cool. So can you read me some?

Rachel: No.

Ross: [a little surprised at her blunt refusal] Why not?

Rachel: Uh, you’re a boy.

Ross: Come on Rach. You're writing a book, don’t you want feedback?

Rachel: Not from a boy.

Ross: That’s crazy!

Rachel: Sorry Ross but I just don’t think it would be right. [ Ross looks insulted. Chandler enters]

Chandler: Hi guys.

Ross: No funny comment, or clever hello, no hi Blossom and Mr. Kotter?

Chandler: Nope. I am trying to make Monica feel better by being less funny.

Rachel: Is this a phase that is intended to scare us?

Chandler: Nope. I love Monica, and if I am making her feel bad, then I want to stop.

Rachel: That’s so...so mature.

Chandler: Yeah...so, Who want PlayBoy?? Huh? I got the new issue!!! [He takes it out from his coat.]

Ross: I do , I d-, no I don’t want to see that stuff, I am mature. [He looks with satisfaction at Rachel]

Chandler: Ok man...oh by the way Rachel, here’s you chapter on appearance. I edited it; it only needs a few corrections.

Rachel: Thanks.

Ross: Wha, wha, what? He gets to read it but I don’t? I’m more mature then Chandler!

Rachel: Sorry Ross, but Chandler is good at editing, he does it for a living...

Ross: But, but, but, ok, that’s it, I’m going to show you I’m mature! [He leaves.]

Chandler: That was fun.

Rachel: Oh yes, I needed something to break up my day.

****Commercial Break****

[We see Joey and Chandler is their apartment. Chandler is reading in his chair and Joey is reading the paper. As we get closer we see it is the comics. Joey keeps glancing up at the basket of potatoes on the counter.]

Chandler: Oh, will you stop being so paranoid!

Joey: but, but, but

Chandler: No, I’m going to cure you of this. [He gets up and leads Joey to the counter and forces him to look at the potatoes.] See Joe. Harmless vegetables. Look at them, they don’t care that we have nuclear weapons.

Joey: Ssssh!!! Don’t discuss military stuff in front of the you know what’s.

Chandler: I am not going to take this anymore! You stop this right now! The potatoes are not going to take over the world!

Joey: How do you know?

Chandler: Cause, uh...that Pinky and the Brain’s job.

Joey: Oh yeah....

Chandler: Yeah...[He has a relieved look on his face. Suddenly we hear from the basket, a voice.]

Potato: Channnnndler!!! Jooooooey!!

Chandler & Joey: AAAAHHHH! [They fall to their knees]

Joey: Take him, he didn’t believe in you...I believed!!!

Chandler: Don’t listen to him! He shot your kind at the wall, and enjoyed it!

Potato: Silence! Bow down...low! On your stomachs...wave your arm up and down. I am your new leader!

Joey: But...but...

Potato: Silence, the great spud has spoken! Tell me secrets!!!

Joey: Uh...I read playboy.

Chandler: Secrets Joe. Uh...ok I am in love. I love this girl, she’s sweet, and beautiful. And I was thinking yesterday that I might not mind going into the next step. Like she could wear like a ring or something, you know not engagement, but a ring to show that she’s mine. Because I can’t stand the thought of how many guys must want to flirt with her. And I’ve been afraid of commitment, but this time I’m not scared.

Joey: Wow

Potato: [In Monica’s voice] Really? [In deep voice] I mean, really?

Chandler: Yeah...

Joey: Yeah like they care about that, here’s what you want to know, the president’s name is Bill Clinton, that’s B-I-L-L space, C-L-I-N-T-O-N. He can help you.

Chandler: Joey!

Joey; Do you want die?

Chandler: A-L space G-O-R-E

Potato: I might just take you as hostages.

Joey& Chandler: Noo!

Potato: [Monica jumps out from the other side of the counter.] Ahh Ha!!!!!

[Joey and Chandler scream]

Chandler: Monica!!

Joey: Shh, man, the we can’t let the potato know that she’s here to save us...

Chandler: She was the potato!

Joey: Oh my God!!! Monica, how could you keep this from us!

Chandler: It was a practical joke you idiot.

Monica: I was under the counter in the cabinets, I had a microphone down there and put a little speaker in the potato basket! That’ll teach you boys not to think of me as lame!!! [She walks out laughing evilly.]

[We cut to a shot of the girls apartment, everyone is there sitting around the TV]

Phoebe: Ok guys, Joey and I have worked hard on this commercial so honestly tell us how it is.

All: Ok

[She put in the tape. We see Joey shooting out the potatoes and laughing evilly, but we don’t have sound. You can tell though because it is very exaggerated. Suddenly we hear music in the background, it is Phoebe’s guitar, she starts to sing for background music. So we hear her song and see Joey violently shooting potato’s like he is at war.]

Phoebe’s song: [start’s happily with] Mr. Potato Head

Mr. Potato Head, la la la la la

Watching me from after, I love to...[ from now on is angrily] Rip your head off!!!!!

And rearrange you face!!!!

You are Evil, you should DIE!!!

Burn in Hell!!!! Yeaaaaaahhh!

Mr. Potato Head, Mr Potato Head

FRYING, DYING, ROTTING!!!!

[happily] with ketsup. [Joey immediately stops shooting and smiles]

Joey (and Phoebe’s voice): The kids will love it. *smile*

Phoebe; Well...

All: Uh...great

Monica: It’s umm...

Rachel: Well the real word for it is...

Chandler: [finishing her sentence] Did somebody say McDonalds?

[Monica smiles, but quickly bites her lip]

Chandler: I saw that smile honey...you like my humer don’t you?

Monica: uh...no I still feel bad, that I’m the funny guy’s girlfriend and...and...oh stop it! I can’t resist you puppy dog face. It’s so cute! Yes, please be funny again

Chandler: I think can arrange that, yes, but uh...I need some closure on this fight...

Monica: Hmm, [She kisses him]

Chandler: Mmm, I think I need some more, I not, convinced you mean it...[She gives him a long kiss]

Monica: Well?

Chandler: Still not sure. [Monica gently punches him in the arm, and giggles]

Ross: That is so cute! [Everyone looks at him in shock.]

Ross: Yes, it’s true, it’s called, maturity!

***Commercial Break*****

[We see everyone at the central perk, Joey and Chandler are looking at playboy trying to torment Ross]

Joey: oh my...wow!

Chandler: What a babe...buuuut not as babe like as Monica...

Monica: Nice save

Rachel: Done, I’ve completed half of the book

Ross: Will you let me read it now?

Rachel: You can read it when it is published.

Ross: But I’m mature...

Rachel: Yeah, but I want it to be like a surprises, you know/

Ross: Oh, yeah, ok, sure, a surprise, can’t wait.

Phoebe: oh guys, guess what?

Monica; what Pheebs?

Chandler: ahhh

Monica: Sorry, did you have a comment?

Chandler: The moment is spoiled.

Phoebe: Ok, um, guess what?

Chandler: You figured out that the potatoes weren’t frying hell, all this time they were baking?

Joey: I hope not!

[Monica and Chandler glace at each other, at Joey’s stupidity.]

Phoebe: No, actually, ER didn’t like our commercial

All: Aw, sorry

Ross: I can’t imagine why

Joey: Well they said it wasn’t there style or something, I don’t know

Phoebe: We discussed it and decided our method was far to sophisticated for them

Ross: Yeeeah, that’s it.

Chandler: Maybe they just like potatoes

Joey: I bet that it!

Phoebe: Oh yeah, man...to bad, oh, I hope they get....reincarnated into one

Joey: And then get shot out of a potato gun..

Pheobie; And die.

Joey: Yeah! Better yet, I hope they get splatted ona wall and...rot...

Monica: *gasp*

***Commercial Break***

[teaser]

[everyone is at Central Perk]

Phoebe: Oh oh! I wrote a new song want to hear it?

All: yes...

Phoebe: Ok..ahem...For a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down

Medicine go doooown, medicine go down

Until you realize it’s poison!

And you are on the floor, Dieing!!!!

And you see the murder, it a potato!

It’s Name is spud! It’s Mr. Potatoe head, from Hell!!!!

Yeaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

Did you like it? Please send feedback.