July - November, 2000 Journal

I only have a few minutes to write then I'm out of here (work.) Technically I was done 22 minutes ago so I'm not worrying about it. Forgot to tell some of the biggest bestest news when I wrote in here yesterday.....

Had the strangest premonition today. Our CSR at work is looking for a new job also (he's been here 6 months less than I have.) Anyway, he had a "dentist appointment" Monday and then today, he left at noon, took a 1/2 day vacation. Now it doesn't take a lot of imagination to know he's interviewing. But today it hit me like a ton of cement blocks-- he's probably interviewing for the same position I did. And he's probably going to get it. So ironic. Whatever... I'm just going on the idea that whatever will happen was meant to happen. It's not like we have any control anyway. Sometimes we think we do but most of the time I know we don't. Anyway, maybe not getting the job will be the best thing that ever happened to me. Maybe I'll finally start writing again (yeah & pigs will fly.)

Will you meet me in the middle
Will you meet me in the air
Will you love me just a little
Just enough to show you care

Well, the Joe man just called. He's ready to get out of Dodge. Hope to talk to you all soon...

For all the things I'm losing I might as well resign myself to try to make a change

If only I could, if only. I feel like I'm disappearing into yellow wallpaper. Did you ever read that short story? It's too weird.... I'm too weird. I can't believe how long it's been since I've written in here.

My life has become the job that I hate. I don't have time for anything else; my brain can't hold any more stuff in it except hate job stuff. It's a good way to not obsess about that which I should not obsess... Instead I obsess about the job. I wake up and start freaking out in the morning until I get there and then I'm so busy, I forget what I was freaking out about. Instead I freak out about things happening there. My boss just gets worse. He still doesn't know the temp's name. She's been there since August for God's sake. And it's not like we have a big department-- 17-20 (depending on who's quitting.) He can't remember her name because he hates her, always has. He dismisses her as if she wasn't even a real person... like she's just a temporary person. Not so slowly but surely, he's driving all the good people away and hiring idiots to take their places. Not all of the new ones are idiots-- I shouldn't always exaggerate. Al Gore's got nothing on me when it comes to exagerrating. But anyway, some of the new people are real "L" as in LOSERS. One has consistently lied on his timesheet since starting-- to the tune of 10 hours a pay, 10 hours of which he gets paid time and a half. Another is in charge of the call center where the clients call. She laughs about a client we all know-- and laughs because she thinks it's a scream that we pretend to be confidential. I can't explain what I wanted to do to this jerk. I did go in and let her know I didn't think confidentiality was something funny especially not where this client was concerned. But I was shaking so hard-- I wanted to SCREAM. I can't talk about the job anymore... it makes me crazier than usual.

It gets harder and harder to talk about anything that doesn't make me crazy. So I'm not going to feel-- I'm just going to write. A lot is going on despite my inability to participate. We got a new car-- had to say bye to the Mazda. The new one is beautiful and fun to drive-- doesn't stall out every five minutes, has a 5 speed and a CD player.

NEEWOLLAH

We ran out of candy halfway through and started giving away change. A kid yelled, "Hey, they're giving away money over here!" and all of a sudden multitudes were showing up on our front steps. I was never so glad to see 7 o'clock... Heather brought Lauren over after they trick-or-treated in their neighborhood. Lauren was a witch-- a great costume as always. Heather is so good about that-- making neat costumes. When she was little, I used to go to the Five & Ten and buy her a costume & mask in a box. Lauren doesn't know how lucky she is!

Joe & I had our 27th anniversary last week. He brought me flowers and a card on which he wrote me a poem. I told my temp at work and she said, "He's the most romantic man I've ever heard of." I told her she was right and that I didn't deserve him. She thought I was kidding.

The number of dead animals on the interstate on the way to & from work is unreal. Isn't someone supposed to clear them away? It's unreal and so many are deer. It's hard to tell yourself he's just taking a nap when his neck is stretched into an "S" like a swan and his head is on backwards and his tongue is hanging out.

I interviewed for another position at work. It was last Thursday afternoon. For some reason or other, Thursdays are almost always my worst days. I get so freaked and so mad and I can't function and I'm always so far behind by that time. So interviewing last Thursday afternoon was not the best time for me. I know I looked shell shocked. Felt totally inadequate. Found myself expressing doubt about my ability to handle the job for which I was interviewing while the woman who was interviewing me was telling me I could do it. Not good. Not good at all. The job is in another department, actually Joe's department but his department is so big--- hundreds, spread around in different places. Anyway, damn I wanted that position. I can't believe I fucked up so bad but then why can't I believe that?

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color="#008080">She said I always do the same thing over and over

I'm going to bed. Hope I don't dream about what I don't want to dream about but always do. I need more channels, a dish antennae, something so I don't have the same dreams again and again and again. I'll see some of you in them. Hope they're better for you than they are for me. Thanks for reading.

Joe's in Philly. I'm not. Miss him (I guess that I should.) He just called... third time today... once this morning and again this afternoon at work. The temp at work thinks Joe is the sweetest, most romantic man she's ever talked to. Me too. She says that when he calls to invite me out to lunch, it's like he's inviting me out on a date, not like someone who has been married for 27 years. I told her he is too good for me. She thinks I'm kidding. I've got Clannad on playing real loud. Sometimes I think I could disappear into their music, especially some of the songs in Gaelic-- Coinleach Glas An Fhomair is my favorite... too beautiful, too sad. The last lines translate to:

And this Autumn stay as you are
And don't tell anyone, my love,
That you are my love.

Had to drag myself out of bed this morning-- thought I'd get up early but I didn't. Stayed up late last night dyeing my hair. It needed it. I had more roots than the old oak tree in my childhood neighbor's yard. At least I managed to get myself to work on time. Kind of funky weather. Cold and something was falling that was halfway between rain and snow. Traffic was light-- guess because of Columbus Day & Yom Kippur. Everyone wanted to know if I felt better after taking off Friday. I was on a bit of a guilt trip (of course) but it's the first "sick" day I've taken since I started there. My boss was out today...all in all a pretty good day. Ate lunch at Pamela's. I think I'd miss them as much as anything else if I quit work, or worked some place else, not near. It's such a familiar, friendly place. I know the waitresses and the menu. I can go there & take off my glasses (when it all gets to be too much & I don't want to see for awhile), smoke cigs and write in my journal. No one hassles me. Yes, I would definitely miss Pamela's.

What about the Steelers yesterday-- did they look hot or what? First game I've watched all season. (Don't ever tell me I don't know how to pick them.) Hated not being able to go to the country this weekend but glad I got to see the Steelers when they were at their best. Next three weekends I have classes. After that, it'll practically be winter. Well, not really but close enough. Thinking I should sign up for 1 more class in November-- Databases & the Web-- it's 2 Saturdays. I should get my boss to pay while I'm still working for him. He owes me. Man I'm tired. I better go to bed now before I end up sleeping through tomorrow. But before I do-- Joe finally reminded me what movie we watched a week ago. It wasn't Denzel at all. We saw him the week before in The Hurricane (also an excellent movie.) But the one we watched last week was Matt Damon... Incredible Mr. Ripley.. or something like that. Anyway, it was good. Well, off with my head or rather off to bed.... Thanks for reading.

Decided to try using FrontPage to write an entry into my journal. Probably won't work but guess I should at least try to use it. Pretty easy or so it would seem-- like typing with Word or any other word processing software. The program inserts the code for you-- very bizarre not having to type things like <P> every time I want to start a new paragraph. Or </P> at the end of a paragraph. Almost too easy, must not be working, right? But there's a tab where you can see the HTML code it's creating and it looks like it's working. There's another tab where you can see a preview of how your entry will look...Yep, looks pretty much like I thought it would.

In case you're wondering, I'm home today-- took a mental health day. Couldn't say that of course, not even to people in the mental health field who should understand the need for such a thing. Just said I wasn't feeling well. Not a lie but not the whole truth and nothing but the truth either.

Finally figured out how to turn off that god awful background-- started out with one that looked like I was writing on a piece of graph paper, the graph lines were very pale yellow but still I disturbing...

But I digress... and anyway, I'm listening to Let It Be, not West Side Story. I need to have my head examined but I just had it examined a week or so ago. He managed to open his eyes a little during my 15 minutes so I knew he was still conscious (and I was still crazy.) Hope this FrontPage has spell check 'cause I can't spell worth a damn today. Oh my, I could play all day with fonts and colors and tables and such.

I put in for a transfer at work. Probably won't get it but I have nothing to lose. The position is an Operations Analyst I in the Information Services Division. Don't ask me what an operations analyst is 'cause I don't know. But the job description sounded interesting... working with computers, one of my favorite things-- right up there with raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. And, on the advice of a counselor (really he is one-- I just wasn't paying for his advice), I told my boss. Told him I was looking around. He kept asking, "Why, is it something I said or did?" How was I supposed to say, "No, it's everything you've ever said or done." My actual answer was I didn't feel comfortable and didn't think the two of us were a good fit. Of course a couple days later (yesterday) we had an employee recognition lunch and he started off talking about me and how much I mean to him and the organization. (Like I don't have enough problems with guilt. No, I need him to throw a little more on the pile.)

Finished Hearts in Atlantis, really was an excellent book. Right as I was nearing the end, I remembered that Bill had told me most of the story in a conversation we had on the phone a few months ago. He had just finished reading it and really wanted to talk to somebody about it. When I finished it on Sunday, I felt the same way. It leaves you in a strange place-- like on the top of the last killer curve on the Thunderbolt-- exhilarating but ...

My, my, my-- I could spend my whole day off, up here, playing on this silly machine. I'm not going to do it though. Have to bring my houseplants in today. The temperature is dropping. After a week of almost perfect weather, it might snow over the weekend. I don't care. Now that it's started, we might as well get it going right??? Autumn/Winter I mean. Hate sitting around wondering will it be tonight? Or tomorrow? Or next week? I'm NOT a patient person, NOT AT ALL (like you didn't know that.). The leaves are already starting to turn pretty colors. Supposed to be a very good year for them since our summer wasn't too hot or too dry. It'll be another couple of weeks before they peak. I've got classes scheduled the next two Saturdays (not tomorrow) so our trips to the country might be limited to day trips. Joe's going to Philly on Sunday. Has to take part in a disaster recovery test (as in the computers at work.) He'll be gone until Tuesday so this weekend isn't going to be a Majorsville weekend either..... WAAAA. Last week we went down early (just after noon-- early for us.) I spent almost all of Saturday in the house. Why? I'm not sure. I was reading and writing and drinking and listening to music. Joe was trying to mow. He cut two swaths around the parking lot then a belt in his tractor broke. Had to go to Claysville to get a new one and by that time, there wasn't much light left-- he had to wait until Sunday. Watched a neat movie-- took down three but only ended up watching one-- not enough time in the day/night. The ones we didn't watch were The Insider with Al Pacino and Mr. Moon with Jim Carey. Do you think I can remember the one we watched.... god, my brain is just so much mush....It was Denzel I think. How could I forget Denzel (yum)? Guess he's too yum for me to remember the damn movie. Or maybe it wasn't him at all? I know there was a lot more to it than I thought when I picked it out. So much that I can't remember anything. Never mind.

I'm going home (oops, already there.) Get back Loretta... The CD is almost over, can you tell?. And so is this nonsense. Talk to you later. Thanks for reading.

Summertime, time, time, child, the livin's easy
Fish are jumpin' now and the cotton Lord, cotton's high, Lord, so high
Your daddy's rich and your ma's so good lookin babe, she's looking good now
Hush, baby, baby, baby, baby-- no, no, no, no don't you cry

Janis Joplin's version of Gershwin's Summertime

But Summertime is over and done with, going on a little over a week now. Where did it go? Where did Janis go? Where did I go? Where do any of us go?

At work one of our two Clinical Supervisors told me he's quitting, effective 3 weeks from today. It sheared the top of my head off... just as if I were in a convertible, driving under a too-low concrete underpass. Bit by bit, my boss is tearing apart this once fine organization. I told the other Supervisor I'm actively looking for a new job. Hate leaving them in the lurch but it's every woman/man for her/himself. She was very nice about it. Said she didn't blame me one bit, that she wouldn't wish my job on her worst enemy. Thank you. I'm crazy but in this case, I'm not (or everyone else there is crazy with me-- other than the boss, of course.) These two had temporarily assumed the Director's position-- the one that left a couple of months ago. They are good people as are most of the others there. There are rumours flying-- human resources has my boss's head out the door, just ready to kick him in the ass once and for all. But I can't wait for it to happen.... it's too painful, awful watching something being brought down to its knees. Been there, done that... not going there again.

Lauren and a friend were swarmed by bees the other night, trying to get something out of her garage. Kayla, the friend, got stung on her arms. Lauren's were on her head... bees were caught in her hair. Poor babies-- scared them to death. Don't blame them. Heather, fearless when it comes to her baby, went out investigating yesterday. Found the hive. Said it looked like a paper mache' basketball, hanging from the rafters in the garage. She was going on the internet last night to try to figure out what kind of bees they were before calling an exterminator or bee remover. Joe said he knew what kind of bees they should be.... dead bees.

We stopped at the Big Bird on the way home from work tonight. Were going to go on down to the country afterwards. But the sun was setting as we were leaving the store and we still hadn't packed our clothes or taken care of our kitty or birds. I just couldn't do it. We're going to try to go early tomorrow. I know everytime I say that, we end up not going until very late in the day, if at all. Hope I don't screw this up too. Not going to me that many nice weekends but the weather man is predicting a beautiful one tomorrow & Sunday. It's been COLD here the past few days-- down into the thirties last night. My plants are still out. Their leaves were probably shivering, their little plant teeth chattering. I'm sorry plants. Soon (Paul) soon, I'll move you in. (A little soap opera humor there.)

So I come home tonight, all freaked out and no one to talk to. Tried callin' Merle, no answer. Tried callin' Heather, ditto. Know better than to try callin' PW & JW-- don't think it would be appreciated on another of their bridge nights. So I'm drinkin the Saint and listening to Janis and writing in this ridiculous journal on the computer. Strange life but it's okay.

Readin Stephen King's Hearts in Atlantis. Pretty good but strange-- got to the middle and the whole story shifted to another character's perspective, one that hasn't been in the book up until now. Hope it all comes back together soon.... I want something I can count on.

Craziest thing. I popped open the Joplin cd when I sat down to write. Don't listen to it too often. It's her greatest hits. I'd rather listen to her old albums and usually do but up here on the computer, I've only got a cd player. Anyway, out pops Glenn Gould's, Bach's Goldberg Variations. I've been looking for that cd for months and months now. Never thought it might have accidentally got stored away with another cd. Glad to have ya back, Glenn. I've been missin' ya.

Have to listen to the C.Crows, of course. I brought up quite a selection: Sade, Clannad, Beatles, but C.Crows wins this round as they so often do these days. I know "I've been hangin around this town on the corner. I been bumming around this town for way, way, way too long." It's the way of my people. I know Washington isn't paradise on earth. But it was a pretty damn good place to grow up. And I wouldn't leave unless I could take my (extended) family with me. What the hell good would it be to be somewhere else if most of the people I loved were back here? No good at all. We don't have the beach. We don't have the mountains. But we also don't have hurricanes or earthquakes or tornadoes (too often.) So if you don't understand.... too bad for you. My boss hates Pittsburgh. I got news-- Pittsburgh's not too crazy about him either. Yes the Steelers suck at the moment and so do the Pirates and probably the Penquins won't play like they should. But I remember the Steelers winning some Super Bowls and the Pirates winning the World Series, and the Pens winning the Stanley Cup. Willie Stargell is going to be at the last Pirate game at Three Rivers Stadium, coming up soon. I love him. I love(d) Roberto and Manny Sanguillan and Bob Prince and Terry Bradshaw and Joe Greene and Jack Lambert and Myron Cope and Mario Lemeuix and Jaromir Jagger and Mike Lange. I love Wash Pa and Pittsburgh and Majorsville. If you don't understand-- too bad-- it's your loss.

Got my hackles up, didn't I? Sorry. So many things to get upset about-- so little time. There's a certain someone I want to tell off, once and for all. And no, not my boss. I just want to tell this person, okay-- you said no-- it's your loss pal. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of playing games. I'm tired of trying to figure out where I went wrong. I'm not going to feel bad anymore. I know you never had the sense to even know I was talking about you. What a loser. Not me. Not this time...

Time to get more saint.... I'll continue later, maybe. If not, have a glorious weekend. And don't forget what a wise person once told me-- be nice to yourself once in awhile... you deserve it.

PW & JW are visiting from Va Beach. Neat. We all had pizza & wine here Saturday night. Yesterday we went to Merle's for the Steeler game (BOO, HISS to those bums-- they should be ashamed) but we had great food... hot sausage and garlic mashed potatoes (YUM.) Merle, you're such a good cook and such a wonderful hostess. And by the way, you're pretty good as a sister & a friend. Joe & I took tomorrow off so we could hang out with Jean & Peggy. They're coming over to pick us up for brunch at 11:15. They said they might want to just drive around & see some stuff afterwards. We thought they might want to go to the country. We'll have to ask tomorrow I guess. Whatever they want is okay with me. I'm just enjoying having them here!! Hope Heather & Lauren can come over & see them either tomorrow night or Wednesday night.

Work is a nightmare. My boss has been on me for over a month now, since my review. Says I'm not aggressive enough. Says he doesn't want me to be assertive-- he wants me to be aggressive. I'm so fucking tired of having to apologize for being me. He hasn't liked me from the beginning (& I haven't like him.) Anyway, a woman came in late Friday afternoon to interview for my assistant's position. He insisted on being there. Knowing how he felt about it, I asked the woman to rate herself on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being passive and 10 being aggressive. She gave a wonderful answer... said it all depended on the circumstances. He told her that was impossible-- one had to be one way or the other-- you couldn't be both. He started ranting, the whole focus of the interview shifted to me. He said "there's no room for diplomacy in this position." Unreal. Afterwards he told me he didn't like her-- found her flat-- she didn't wear any makeup-- she didn't answer fast enough. And he was afraid she might be religious. He had asked her what 3 things were important to her? She answered family, morals, and fairness. He said that her answer meant she was probably religious. And then he brought up the (lack of) makeup again. I was livid. Since when is wearing (or not wearing) makeup a job requirement. And the religious remarks are just outright illegal. I've got to do something about this guy. He can't continue to act this way with no consequences. He's nothing but a rude, stupid pig.

What would I change if I could? I'm never going to get the phone call. It's way past time for me to buy a new car. Mine is dying a slow, ugly death. Checked out some last night (the dealers were closed.) God, they're so expensive. I really don't know how I'm going to be able to afford one, especially if I quit my job. I, too, can always hear a freight train (if I listen real hard.) Miss you, guess that I should (not.)

The messiah came to our office today. Actually he was just a job applicant for the Director's position. But after making arrangements for his visit for the past three weeks, I figured he was pretty 'dern important. Nice enough guy. I shouldn't say anything bad about him (or anyone else, come to think of it.) I'm just glad he got here all in one piece and the airlines didn't lose his luggage (or his wife.) Anyway, kept my boss busy all day (& there's more on the itinerary tomorrow) so, all in all, not a bad thing!

Did I ever tell you how wonderful my sister is?? Well, she's the best sister you could ever want. She took Joe and I and 3 other friends to Counting Crows. We had VIP parking passes so we didn't have to hike for an hour & a half to get to the amphitheater. We had VIP bar passes-- even got to use the nice restrooms, not the ones for the unwashed masses. Sat in the box-- front row center with a table and a waitress to bring us beer & wine & nachos. Too cool. Adam was, as always, too too neat. He came out and sang with both opening acts. And when Counting Crows started, he invited people to record the concert & make bootleg tapes... I can't imagine too many other artists doing that. The show was FANtastic, especially for me, the FANatic. Marilyn thought Adam was singing to her and I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I didn't tell her he was obviously singing to me. We danced and sang and smoked and drank.... it's the only way to go to a concert! THANKS MERLE!!!

We're finally getting someone to replace our front steps-- they've been crumbling for years and recently looked like a law suit waiting to happen (one of the railings fell off a few weeks ago.) The guy is starting tomorrow night. May take him awhile (he does this work on the side-- works for a regular construction crew during the weekdays.) Also, we're hiring a painter to paint the house. At first we were going to hire him to do just the new porch railings but seeing as how the shutters are flaking away to nothing, decided might as well go ahead and get the whole house done. I'm going to come home from work one of these nights and not know the place. Now if I could only get the haz-mat crew to come in and do something about the inside of the house...

Lauren's spending the night tomorrow. Guess we'll get to hear how second grade has been going for her. That'll be cool. I'm hoping to get to the country Saturday. Can't believe I let all of Labor Day (3-day) weekend go by and I never got down there. Dang.

Well I better go grocery shopping or we'll never have dinner tonight. It's nearly 8. Joe's outside cutting back the pyracantha which I'm sure is chewing his arms raw. I can't believe summer's over and it's starting to get dark at 8:15 already. Wah!! One good thing though... St. Peggy Weggy Angel and Jeannie Weannie are planning a trip up this month. If they don't call and give me a date soon, I'm going to have to go down there and pick them up myself. Throw them in the back of Joe's truck (or tie them on top like Granny.)

I don't want to waste my life
You don't want to waste your life

Change, change, change

I walk along these hillsides
In the summer 'neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me

Change

The lines go through my head all the time. Counting Crows A Murder of One. Wasting my life--that which frightens me more than anything. More than dying. What if I wake up some morning and discover that's what I've been doing and what if it's too late to change? Or what if changing would hurt other people in my life, those I thought I loved the most. What if, I wake to find I want someone, something else? What if that someone doesn't want anything to do with me? What then? It's like suddenly being aware of driving down a foggy, dark, lonely highway-- having no idea where I am, where I'm heading, how I got there, or how I can get back. What would I do in that situation, that saturation? Would I pull off the berm and wait for morning to come? What if that place has no morning, no sun? Would I just keep driving blindly on or turn around and try driving blindly back? Would I go out of my mind or is that where I'd be-- the foggy, dark, lonely highway?

Maybe the worst is being too afraid to move. But I don't want to hurt anyone. But isn't that what I'm doing? Hurting everyone, including me? Is it all just a question of control? I cannot control my emotions but I can control my actions. So which choice would hurt the least.... going in the direction of my heart even though I know there's no one waiting for me? Or staying but cheating the kindest, most wonderful person in my life of having the real thing-- all because one morning I woke up and found I had changed?

Is it any wonder, in that saturated situation, I might think of drastic measures... someway something could be done to fix the way my head/heart works (or fails to work)? But I can't find any way out in that direction either. Maybe the fog lifts and I realize I'm not really on a bi-directional highway-- instead I'm at intersection of uncountable highways? No road signs, no clues as to what might be the place I'm supposed to go? Or maybe I'm not on a highway at all, I'm really in an box-- each way I try to go, I run headlong into another wall. Can't go forward, backward, sideways, up, or down.

Last week of summer-- what a drag. I never got around to putting up the awnings. Oh well... "the days dwindle down to a precious few..." I'm not down, really I'm not but if I don't get on to another subject soon I will be.

Heather's 30th birthday was last Thursday. 'Tis so strange-- I swear just last week she was 17. We had her and Lauren over for pizza and cake & ice cream. Gave her The Winston Cup book by Duane Falk. What was too cool is Duane works with Joe so we had it autographed. It really is a neat book if you're into Nascar.

Got to see my old friend Susan last week. Hadn't seen her in 34 years. Is that too much? Really nice seeing her. I think we could have remained friends all this time & enjoyed each other had it not been for some silly kid thing. She lives in Virginia near D.C. but is back & forth to Wash PA all the time. Kind of amazing we haven't run into each other over the last 34 years-- hope it's not another 34 before we talk again! I kept hearing the song in the back of my head (Simon & Garfunkle)

Bizarre things going on at work. I'm losing yet another assistant... it has to be me. The next one hired is going to be taught everything I know & then I'm out o' there. My boss was away on vacation for the last week & 1/2 and a number of times I opened my mouth when I should have kept quiet. So what else is new? At any rate, I've let most of the people I work with know exactly how I feel about remaining as his assistant. I didn't want to get into all that just yet but in a way, I'm glad it came out. I don't have to feel so guilty now when the time comes for me to move along. Problem will be... will I have another place to move along too? Or will I just come back home again? Don't know, don't know. Don't even know what I want, which is okay because I rarely, if ever, have control over how my life turns out.

Counting Crows will be at Star Lake Amphitheater this coming Saturday. Marilyn got us the box and VIP parking passes... too cool. I might just have to disappear into their music and never be seen again. Marilyn is the only other person in the world I know that likes them as much as I do. I'm glad we'll see them together. We saw Smokey Robinson there together a few years ago. She & I were the only people in the joint who were dancing and singin and groovin. Everyone else looked zombies, like they'd never heard of the Smokemeister. For shame!!!

I signed up for some really cool courses on the web... one on C++ computer language, one on Flash (software for the web), one on Walt Whitman, and one on trying to be a superwoman (no, I don't think I am one or every will be but thought some of the prioritizing tricks might help.) Unfortunately, I haven't had time to do anything with any of them. (Need that prioritizing one more than ever.) Unbelievable what is available out there on the web for free... almost anything & everything my little heart might desire.

I'm going to go fix some dinner & watch soaps. I'm over 2 weeks behind on them. And yes, I know they're stupid and inane but isn't it nice that somethings are just there for us to watch & not give a shit about? I think so. See you later. Thanks for reading.

Not sure if I should write anything here or not. I know some people think I shouldn't be quite so open in this journal. I don't mean to hurt anyone by it. I try to explain it by saying it's my way of blowing off steam, working things out, etc. but I have to shut up fast when asked if it makes me feel better. It's probably more like smoking or drinking... it makes me feel better for awhile at least and I don't think it's as dangerous as most addictions. Is it solving all of my problems? No but I never thought it would. It's just something I do. Like a songwriter who writes lyrics about his/her own experiences. It's ridiculous to think I'd write about things that aren't part of my life, things that don't mean anything to me. The one-sidedness of journal writing leaves open all sorts of ways I might be misinterpreted. And the possibility of hurting someone, however unintentionally, is very unnerving. I guess I need to weigh my need to write vs. the damage it might do and err on the don't write it side.

Yesterday was Kennywood Day for UPMC. Joe and I, Heather and a friend, and Lauren and a friend went (two cars.) I had an absolute blast. Rode the water rides: the log jammer, the raging rapids, the pittsburgh plunge, and got all wet, had to change my clothes (not easy in a 3 by 3 foot ladies' room stall, women and girls hollering the whole time to "Hurry up!") Rode all the old roller coasters: the racers (how do they end up on the reverse side of each other at the end??? I'll never understand), the jackrabbit, and late last night, under an almost full, egg-shaped moon....the thunderbolt.... whooaa.... it was as wild and scary as the first time if not more so. Joe and I started for home about 10:00. Heard the others closed the park, staying until after midnight. Don't know how Heather did it-- she had to get up and go to work this morning at 5. Good thing she is young.

Majorsville last weekend was incredible. Rained really hard, late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. Poured, sheets of it, like the heavens opened up and let loose... The little creek beside the house became a white-water rafting challenge-- except the color of chocolate milk. Enlow Fork (the big creek) was growing wide and surging, more like a river than a creek. It ate away a huge hunk (4-6ft?) of the ever-shrinking bank over in the "parking lot". Trees and debris were washing downstream, We half expected to see livestock-- cows and whatnot, any minute. Thank God we didn't see any of that but I did catch sight of a little critter (beaver? woodchuck?) who had climbed up to some dry ground on the bank in front of the house. He looked wet, worn out, scared to death, and I felt really bad when he noticed me looking at him and jumped back into the water but I'm sure I'm anthopomorphizing, right? We were lucky.... came home before any more damage. Others weren't so fortunate. In various places around Pittsburgh, people lost homes and cars and belongings. Awesome-- the power in water-- isn't it?

I'd write about work but promised myself yesterday morning that I'd banish all thoughts of it this weekend. It's not working. I had my review earlier in the week (only 2 months late.) It was a good one, as reviews go, but of course, since it was only the introductory six-month one, no raise was possible. The thing that upset me (& we all know there's always going to be that one thing), my boss promised I could take courses to finish the web programs I'm enrolled in. He got me to agree to cross train someone in my job so that if and when I leave, he won't be up shit creek. But afterwards, later in the week, he changed his story quite a bit, said I could only take 3 courses and they had to be directly involved with my work there (not the ones I need to get my certificates) because they cost too much and he hadn't budgeted for it. He said that would have to do until the next fiscal year, July 2001. Like I'm going to still be working at that job then. If so, someone please shoot me because it can only mean I've lost whatever's left of my mind. Seriously, I can transfer out in another 4 months but it's just going to be the same old story-- no degree, no consideration. I'm ready to get out. Lauren could really use having a grandmother at home to watch her before and after school this fall. Yes, we'd lose a considerable chunk of income but thank God (& Joe), I think we could live.

Bill and Jacobina sent me a beautiful slate plaque this week-- painted on it are the words "One day at a time" Yes, indeedy. I owe a lot to my family and friends-- their thoughts, phone calls, emails and prayers have been wonderful. I don't want to jinx things but I think I am starting to feel a wee bit better and it's got to be because of that love and support.I've been positively rotten in keeping up with replying to them but I am so thankful to have so many who care...it's a miracle.

So that's where I am this lazy Sunday. It's beautiful out... sunny and clear, highs in the seventies/low eighties. I would have gone to the country but we're watching Lauren tonight. Heather is going to a concert. She'll be coming over early tomorrow morning to pick Lauren up and take her to daycare. Hope you're all having as nice a weekend as I am. Talka to you laters, alligators.

Moved our offices (temporarily) this past Monday... nightmare city. The movers, the telecommunications people, the computer people. When we finally finished my boss realized the customer service rep doesn't have anyone to back him up in the temporary service center. (Hey, no kidding, maybe it's cause we haven't hired anyone yet.) He told me to hire a temp for up front and move my assistant back to the back (from whence she came.) Honest to god, the man is unreal.

My new office doesn't have a window (boo, hiss) but it does have a white board. I wrote on it 'Klatu Barrada Nicto'. Got all sorts of strange expressions and questions from the staff. One person asked me if it was Latin. Another, Mary, a clinical supervisor is in her mid 60's. She's very southern, very genteel. She asked me to explain & I told her these were the words you need to remember should a giant robot ever threaten to destroy the world. She laughed, looked at my boss's door then laughed again. Only two people recognized the phrase. Horror of Horrors, one of them was my boss. I'm still shuddering.

Working a lot (too much) overtime... nearly 20 hours on this timesheet. I don't usually keep track but this time I thought let him pay me time and a half and we'll see how long it takes to hire more help. Jerk. Okay, that's it, I'm not mentioning work again.

Put some more of our outside furniture out this weekend. I'm only two and a half months late. Last night we sat out on one of our upstairs porches. It was so nice-- clear, warm, more like May or September than July. Our weather has been like that this summer... very mild. While it was still light out, I wrote in my journal and Joe read his book. We had coffee and cigs and the dog & cat came out and paraded around. Growlf likes to bark at people walking down the street. Sheba likes to walk around the perimeter, outside of the railing, teasing Growlf.

This past Saturday night we went to see The Perfect Storm. Awesome. (And I'm not just talking about George Clooney, although he's pretty awesome also.) You have to go see it on the big screen to appreciate it I think. Washington has new theaters, all digital sound and stadium seating. Pretty nice. We're only what, 5 years behind the time?

Must have bought some bad gas for my car. It's literally chugging especially when you're in one of the lower gears. Hope it's just the gas. I'm in serious denial about the condition of that car, can you tell? Heather's car needed an alternator over the weekend... not fun nor cheap even though she got a rebuilt one. Lauren learned how to ride her two-wheeler without training wheels. I'm so glad she's doing that and not learning to drive a car yet. Time is going too fast I tell you.

Haven't been to the country in a couple of weeks and I'm starting to go into withdrawal. I'm going down this weekend even if it rains. I just want to get out of town.

Well, it's a little hot & stuffy up here on the 3rd floor. Probably from all this hot air. Think I'll go down and sit on a porch until it's time for bed. Thanks for reading. (P.S. Did I mention my boss is a jackass?)

I'm disturbed I'm disturbed I'm the most disturbed Like I'm psychologically disturbed	You want to live in this lousy world-- play it cool
When you're a jet you're a jet all the way from your first cigarette till your last dying day	PUERTO RICO MY HEART'S DEVOTION LET IT SLIP BACK IN THE OCEAN

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