Friday - 6/25 - 9:29 AM EDT
"I wanted so badly
Somebody other than me
Staring back at me
But you were gone...
I wanted the ocean to cover over me
I wanna sink slowly without getting wet"
Adam Duritz - Time and Time Again - August and Everything After
The bottom fell out from under me again last night. Seems like that happens a lot lately, always going down a little further than the last time. Surely I'll reach the bottom soon. But I survived, so I won't bore you with the details.
Marty and his family made it back safely to Rock Hill, thank goodness (he emailed me.)
I forgot to tell you about this neat place he and I discovered at Majorsville this past Monday.
We drove up along Enlow Fork where the Clutter grandparents used to live, and further to Loge Majors cabin... still standing. Loge was this ancient, hermit kind of guy. Not sure if I ever talked about him on these pages but he lived in a tiny one room cabin that always smelled like old newspapers and dirty socks. Guess he lived on Social Security. Had a great spring with delicious water on his property. He was the guy who told us he had been to the "Big City" and hated it (Washington, PA) and he said went to the World's Fair once (Jacktown fair). Anyway I'm getting way off track (as I am, so often, wont to do)...
Marty parked his car and we walked up the road which turns into dirt and has craters in it the size of Cleveland. We got up to the dry dam and looked around. (Marty had never seen it before.) Not sure how it works but there's no dammed up water behind it like a regular dam. It looks like huge concrete breastworks. It does keep the water controlled-- no more flash floods at Majorsville or further down in Wheeling, W.VA. Always heard it was built for the "hundred year flood" whatever that is (don't think I want to find out.)
We climbed up this hill beside this sloping concrete thing. We got about 3/4ths of the way up, then the hill became straight up--- like ninety degrees. We decided to stop. We could see across the concrete to the other side of the valley where a strange looking building sat. Resembled an observatory. I said it looked like something out of the X-Files. Marty walked up to the chain link fence that surrounds the concrete and gave a hollar. You wouldn't believe the echoes we heard. I swear there were at least eight. I mean the Swiss Alps couldn't have had any more. It was very eerie-- sounded as if there were people hiding in the woods surrounding the valley, all yelling back at Marty. He got a big kick out of it and started experimenting with different yells (no yodeling though.) Half the time he was still yelling when the voices came back around. It was incredible but (you know me) I started freaking out. (No, I hadn't had anything to smoke other than cigarettes.) I just couldn't get beyond how strange it sounded, like some sort of ritual, the voices bouncing around and around. So I made him leave. Wild.
Did I tell you about the gorgeous portraits of Majorsville Marty gave me? Two of the old house and one of the new, but taken when it was really new and still had the original deck. They are big and glossy and printed on heavy duty cardboard, just begging to be framed and displayed. How neat.
Eddie sent me this great story...
A businessman was at the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The businessman complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
'Only a little while', replied the fisherman.
The businessman then asked why he didn't stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The businessman then asked, 'But what do you do with the rest of your time?'
The fisherman said, 'I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a full and busy life, sir.'
The businessman scoffed, 'I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing, and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to a small city, then a bigger one where you will run your expanding enterprise.'
The fisherman asked, 'But sir, how long will this all take?'
To which the businessman replied, '15-20 years.'
'But what then, sir?'
The businessman laughed and said 'That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich; you would make millions!'
'Millions, sir? Then what?'
The businessman said, 'Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play guitar with your friends'.
That's about all the time I have. I'm going to have to quote one more CC song even though Merle thinks Adam Duritz is going to sue me for putting these quotes out here without his permission. I don't think that's too likely. First of all, it's not like anybody reads this and it's not a revenue generating page. Plus he is all for bootleg albums so I'm sure he wouldn't care (like I'm sure he'd ever find out about it anyway.) And last, as St. Joe pointed out, I'm not very "sue-able", sort of like getting water from a stone, don't you think?
"Just down the street from your hotel, baby...
I stay at home with my disease
And ain’t this position familiar, darling
Well, all monkeys do what they see
I got bones beneath my skin, and mister...
There’s a skeleton in every man’s house
Beneath the dust and love and sweat that hangs on everybody
There’s a dead man trying to get out
Please help me stay awake, I’m falling...
Asleep in perfect blue buildings
Beside the green apple sea
Gonna get me a little oblivion baby
Try to keep myself away from myself and me"
AD - Perfect Blue Buildings - August and Everything After
Thanks for reading.
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Thursday - 6/24 - 10:09 AM EDT
Signed up for a course in Graphic Design for the Web in July and accepted an invitation to a "Networking Event" at Pitt's Computer Learning Center. The latter sounded really interesting in the brochure. But then I read that the guest speaker is President and CEO of a high profile web design business. All well and great, until I discovered he's all of 24 years old. I was hoping if I ever finish these Web Master courses, I'd be able to do something with all the info they've given me. But hearing about him is a little disheartening. Maybe I can design web pages for nursing homes or geriatric centers. Lord knows there are enough of those in Western Pa. At least I'm doing something besides sitting around, waiting (in vain?) for someone to validate my existence. (No place to go but up from there, right?)
A few funnies, courtesy of my friend Chet...
The Photographer
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, uh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
1) religion
2) royalty
3) sex
4) mysteryThe prize-winning essay read:
'My God,' said the Queen. 'I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?'
The Flasher
Thanks Chet, those are too funny, especially that last one.
I'm having lunch with my friend Deb tomorrow; it'll be good to see & talk to her. She's getting ready for a much deserved vacation at her cabin in Canada, the beginning of July. Bet it is beautiful up there with the lake and trees and all. Deb is so talented. She's been working, for months, refinishing a PennYan boat that belonged to her grandfather. It is cedar and had to be sandblasted to get all the old varnish off and then the outside had to be recovered in canvas. Is she way cool or what?
Dr. Daddy Steve still hasn't sent me baby Ellen's web address. He sent me an email saying he was sending it but then forgot to include it. So, if you're reading this Steve, send it to me again--- I want to see a picture of my grandniece! (Grandniece? Good Lord, that sounds worse than admitting I have a granddaughter.)
The Joe man (aka St. Joe) & I went to Wally World (aka Walmart) last night. I had a pair of shorts and a blouse to return. He had a shirt. When we came out of there two hours later, I had three pairs of shorts and three shirts, and he had four shirts and two pairs of shorts. And we wonder why we're always broke?!
I still need to ride my bike, drink 8 glasses of water and do my morning meditation before noon so I'd better "get a move on" as Marphones used to say. Bill would always cringe. See ya later, alley-gator... Thanks for reading & leave me a message in my guestbook or send me an email, okay?
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Wednesday - June 23, 1999 - 1:52 PM EDT
WARNING-- This is a maximum verbosity kind of day.
Who would have thought it'd take me three stinking hours to change the images on my index page? (Anyone who has ever watched me get lost playing on the computer, that's who.) So here we are, halfway through this silly week. I get up, I get down, I go round and round, like living on a carousel. Right at the moment, I'm up. So weird and so wired (been drinking too much coffee, a pot or so.) Heard on the boob tube the other day, some believe fire is cleansing to the soul. Maybe that's why I sometimes choose to burn up certain pages in my "real journal"-- I'm just trying to clean them out of my cluttered mind & soul. Either that or I'm a pyromaniac.
Finally got our awnings and Patty O'Furniture put up this past weekend (only a month or so behind.) Joe and Lauren planted flowers I'm moving in SLOW MO. My old boss called, wants me to work a week at the end of July filling in for Chris, his secretary, who's going on vacation. I have to call or email her; been too long since we've communicated. Anyway I'm typing today without a splint on-- trying to get back in shape, so to speak.
My therapist said I could probably get financial assistance from the Office of Vocational Rehabilitation to go back to college if I wanted. She said they'd help since my depression has lasted 8 years. Guess that is sort of long term. I'm not ready for anything like that right now though. But I was thinking, what would I study if I could go back... computers, writing & literature, philosophy, psychology??? I don't know. There's so much I don't know. I'm Queen of Don't Know Land. Deb & I used to have the quote "I Know Nothing..." as our screensaver on our pc at Even Start. Guess I haven't known anything for a long time. Anyway, the therapist is on vacation this week. Sort of freaks me out... what if I have some major crisis before next week (like I don't create one for myself daily.)
I got some good quotes for ya (you didn't think you'd escape without having to read them, did you?) Today's are all from Bob Marley...
"She loves to party, have a good time.
She looks so hearty, feeling fine.
She loves to smoke, somtimes shifting coke.
She'll be laughing when there ain't no joke.
A pimper's paradise, that's all she was now.
pimper's paradise, that's all she was...
... Every need got an ego to feed."
Pimper's Paradise, UPRISING
Marty stopped by this morning to drop off the Majorsville key. He and his
family are on route back to South Carolina. We had a pretty wild time down
there on Monday. One silly story... Mike had this bizarre outfit
on, looked like an old dress shirt, black & white, checkered and these baggy,
saggy (to the knees), faded pink and blue shorts. After he went swimming, he
and Jenny rode down to the Tradewinds (a hole-in-the-wall bar) to buy cigarettes for
me & Jenny. Mike ran in to get them. The bartender had the cigarettes in racks behind
him but right there on the bar in front of him, Mike saw two new packs of Marlboro Light
100's (what I smoke). He asked the bartender for two packs of Marlboro Light 100's
and the bartender says, "We don't carry them." Mike said, "Yeah, like these
here" and points to the two packs in front of him. The bartender says, "We don't have any."
Mike said, a third time, "I don't understand. I want two packs of Marlboro
Light 100's." The bartender says (again), "WE DON'T HAVE THEM."
Mike asks what kind they do carry and the bartender tells him Misty something or
other and Camel Lights and a couple others. Since he doesn't smoke, Mike doesn't
know which kind to substitute so he runs out to the truck to ask Jenny. She
tells him, Camel Lights. He turns to go back in the bar, and the bartender has
locked the door on him. He knocks and knocks and finally the bartender lets him
in and he buys the Camel Lights.
When they came back to the house Mike
told us this story and said he couldn't figure out what was wrong with that bartender.
Marty pointed at Mike in his ridiculous getup and his hair standing straight up
from swimming and said, "No wonder he locked the door, look at you."
Hope that wasn't one of those lost-in-the-translation, had-to-be-there kind of stories. It made me laugh then and ever since.
"Life is one big road with lots of signs.
So when you're riding thru the ruts
don't you complicate your mind.
Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy.
Don't bury your thought
put your vision to reality.
All together now--
Wake up and live ya, wake up and live...
Rise,
ye mighty people.
There's work to be done so let's do it a little by little.
Wake Up and Live, SURVIVAL
Oh yeah, a really cool thing... Joe called & made us a reservation for The Outer Banks early in September. Don't tell Growlf Dog but I can't wait. Joe can't wait. We both can't wait. We just might have to take Peggy Weggy & Jean up on their offer to stay at there house in Va Beach before then. Well I better get off this machine-- it's freaking 3:00 in the afternoon-- I've been up here since 11:00 this morning! Take it easy, greasy, and thanks for reading.
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Monday - June 21, 1999 - 10:39 AM EDT
"I need a phone call.
I need a raincoat.
I need a big love.
I need a phone call.
These train conversations are passing me by
but I don't have nothin' to say.
You get what you pay for but I just had no
intention of living this way."
Adam Duritz, Raining in Baltimore, Counting Crows - August and Everything After
I'm supposed to be heading for Majorsville, to spend the day with Mike and Marty & family. Never made it on Saturday or Sunday but I hope they had a great picnic. I tried my damndest (sp?) to completely screw up our weekend. I don't understand how my head works. I guess I am somehow bringing this on myself, attracting it to me. It's not what I consciously want but maybe I need to be down here so I'll appreciate it when I get back up??
Had to take Joe to work; his truck is in the shop and I need my car if I'm going to the country. Talked to PW and Jean again this morning and they tell me they got Web TV. That is too cool-- now we can talk anytime & it won't cost a dime. Found a couple of very inspiring emails when I logged on, one from Patty Fletcher, another from Eddie Larkin, one from Dr. (Daddy) Steve, and one from Chet. I keep forgetting to tell everybody in my life how much I love them. Especially when things are really falling apart as my life seems to have been this past month and a half, I rely on all of you to keep me together. Can't seem to do it myself for whatever reason right now but you are everything to me. Your good news makes me smile; your jokes make me laugh; the time I spend with you is the best time. It's the only thing I believe in right now.
Sometimes I wish I was more religious in the traditional sense-- it seems like it would be so comforting to believe in something so strongly that you could face anything. If I could choose a religion, it might be Rastafarian. Bob Marley was such a holy man in addition to being one of the greatest musicians of the last 50 years. I'm not saying he was a saint. His 29(?) children to 17 different women was a little strange (guess Rastafarians don't believe in birth control). But his music and belief in being a Rasta Man all came together in an incredibly inspiring way. (Besides they believe smoking pot is a necessary religious experience... sounds good to me.)
Guess my religion is all of you. I believe in you. You help me face things, sometimes things I don't want to face. I love you. Thanks for being in my life.
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Saturday Morning, three o'clock - 6/19/99
"...Looking at a green sky. Sun like a red eye.
Bright blue horses are the fortune she lives by.
She's tired and lonely, scared and depressed.
Her visions of one day go racing the next.
She's tryin to be a good girl and give 'em what they want
but Margery's dreaming of horses."
All quotes: Adam Duritz, Another Horsedreamer's Blues, Counting Crows - Recovering the Satellites
People keep calling, wanting to know if I'm better. I know they're concerned but I'm confused about how to respond. Should I lie and say, "Oh sure, everything is great." That might make them feel better than, "No, sorry. I wish I was dead but thanks for asking." The guilt that goes along with depression and craziness just makes you all the more depressed and crazy.
Marilyn called this evening and invited us out to dinner with her and Glenda. Didn't feel like going. Merle's pretty understanding about these things-- she didn't force it. She's also asked me to go see The Spy Who Shagged Me this weekend. (She must be feeling guilty for going with Annie last weekend!) Doesn't look as if I'm going to be up for it; probably have to sleep to make up for tonight.
Lauren's been here for the past three days. Actually, during the day she's been at summer camp but she's been spending the nights here. Heather and a friend made a trip up to the Poconos. They're Nascar Nuts, especially when it comes to Jeff Gordon. There were some sort of races going on up there this weekend so they went up to watch the qualifying events. Even Lauren is a fan(atic). She has a Jeff Gordon ball cap that she never wants to take off!
Marty and family arrived from Rock Hill, S.C. They stopped in to pick up the key for Majorsville. Invited us down tomorrow (today) and/or Sunday. I think they'll understand if I don't show. I'd really like to talk to them but I'm thinking this is going to be one of those weekends where I hide out.
"...Margery's wingspan is all feathers and coke cans
and tv dinners and letters she won't send...
PW and Jean called from Va Beach. They were sipping. Made me wish I was too. They wanted to know when we're going to the Outer Banks. I didn't have an answer for that. If wishes were horses... They guilted Dave into talking to me. This all happened at the same time Marty was here. His kids were playing with Lauren, running around, laughing and screaming with Growlf chasing after them. Also, I had been cooking dinner before any of this started. I gave Marty the phone so he could talk to his relatives. A bit later I realized that I had been baking biscuits for over an hour. (Kept wondering what that burning smell was.) Had to take xanax and drink the coffee with the saint after things quieted down. Probably the reason I'm still up-- all that caffeine.
This morning, after I dropped Lauren off at the YWCA, I stopped in to visit Even Start across the street. It was bizarre, like coming home but you don't live there anymore. I got to talk to my former boss and a coworker. They are getting ready to move to Milcraft Center. My old boss is quitting and going back to the classroom. The other old boss left to do the same thing a year ago. Nothing stays the same.
I got a set of audio tapes I ordered about manifesting your own destiny. They're very interesting. If I wasn't so down, I think I could really make use of them. A big part of the ideas center around you making things happen by concentrating on them. I'm afraid if it works, I'm going to attract the wrath of God to me 'cause that's what I've been thinking about.
The birds are singing and I'm finishing up the saint-- my cue to say g'night I think.
"...So she takes her pills, careful and round.
One of these days she's gonna throw the whole bottle down.
But she's tryin to be a good girl and give 'em what they want.
but Margery's dreaming of---
tryin' to be a good girl, give 'em what they want
Margery's dreaming of horses."